Is there still hope? Wanting to get back with Ex

[BobbySeagle]

I feel my hope of getting back with my ex is over for good. We broke up 12 months ago. I did the breaking up and during that time I've been begging and doing no contact but then breaking it. I know I did everything wrong. I have no strategy and I'm needy. The breakup was pretty nasty and I said a lot of hurtful things. Throughout the course of these months she does reply to my texts but most of the time ignores it.

 

In October she recently started dating someone new. On November 23rd after 11 days of no contact I texted her asking if we can talk on the phone. Surprisingly she agreed to it. We spoke for an hour from 1am-2am and we were laughing and talking about work and stuff as if nothing happened. It felt like old times. Later as I was speaking to her, I asked if she is still dating someone.

 

She said "They're kind of dating but not really, they don't see each other that often". She then asked if I was dating anyone and I told her I went on a date last week but it didn't work out. My ex asked me "why didn't it work out?" and I told her we didn't have anything in common. My ex then asked "where did I go with my date?" and how "did I meet her?" I told her we went for coffee and I met her on a dating website. She seemed kind of quiet when she asked if I was dating anyone when I said yea

 

I also asked my ex if she's happy dating him and she said "it's different". I asked her what do you mean like in a good way or bad way?, and she said "I don't know it's just different".I reiterated my question asking her again if she's happy dating him and she said "Yeah I'm happy." My opinion is things aren't working out with her and him.

 

I then made the mistake after by begging and being needy telling her I apologize for why things didn't work out and telling her that I want to work things out with her. I spoke for 12 minutes telling her how I feel. She was listening and saying yea as I was talking and I told her I'm trying to move on but when I meet other women all I think about is her. My ex said "I will find someone" and I told her that I want her and she was quiet after. I asked (big mistake) if she would ever consider breaking up with her date and try working things out with me, and she said "probably not". After that I told her it was nice talking that it's getting late and we said goodnight. The first half of the conversation went well and she did most of the talking and when I started begging I think it turned her off.

 

My best friend told me. She's probably down playing her date by telling me "they're kind of dating but not really that they don't see each other often" so it doesn't seem like a big deal and to hurt me and possibly keep her relationship private. He said I need to be calm and collective and stop showing my neediness if she does reach out again in the future. I need to drop all contact and if she really cares she'll reach out.

 

I dated her for a year and a half, and she's always been honest and straightforward. I don't think she would downplay it because I knew she was dating him already in October. For her to say that won't have merit and it would do the opposite. She also said dating him "it's different". She could have been straightforward and said they're still dating but for her to go in depth and say all this, maybe things are in limbo with them but she's still willing to see where things go with him?

 

 

What are your thoughts everyone? She could be testing me or stringing me along as a backup, but for her to talk on the phone and laugh as if nothing happened from 1am-2am says something? I'm planning not to contact her again. My hopes is during Christmas and New Years when she doesn't hear from me, maybe she'll reach out and miss me. I'm currently in No Contact for 21 days now and counting.

 

Thanks for your help, just wanted your personal opinions

[Hollyj]

She is done, and you need to move on with your life. You have been obsessing over someone, about the same time you were together. Not good!

 

Why did you break up?

[BobbySeagle]

We had a lot of arguments and that led to us breaking up

[boltnrun]

You're choosing to pay attention to the first half of the conversation and choosing to ignore the second half.

 

"I asked (big mistake) if she would ever consider breaking up with her date and try working things out with me, and she said "probably not"."

 

I would recommend paying attention to the entire conversation and respecting her wishes. She said "no". So, that probably means no.

[BobbySeagle]

What are your thoughts with her responses when I asked about her new boyfriend? She also agreed to speak to me and we had a good conversation until I started to beg. For her to talk negative about her new boyfriend but when I started to beg, I knew from there she got turned off. She could have been seeing if I changed and my neediness got the best of me instead. For all I know her and the new guy probably isn't working out and she could be close to breaking up with him.

[Hollyj]

Doesn't matter. She said she doesn't see a future with you.

 

Are you going to waste another year of your life?

[boltnrun]

You're choosing to pay attention to the first half of the conversation and choosing to ignore the second half.

 

"I asked (big mistake) if she would ever consider breaking up with her date and try working things out with me, and she said "probably not"."

 

I would recommend paying attention to the entire conversation and respecting her wishes. She said "no". So, that probably means no.

 

This still applies.

 

You're still trying to pay attention only to the parts of the conversation you want to hear and ignoring those you don't want to hear.

 

She said "probably not". She did not say yes or maybe.

[BobbySeagle]

Thanks I appreciate it. I do have to move on. I do think she will message me in the near future if things don't work out with the new guy. I just have to give her space and date other women. The holidays might be an opportunity where she might reach out but I'll continue to move forward. Even if things don't work out with him, she clearly said she doesn't want to be with me.

[MissCanuck]

What are your thoughts with her responses when I asked about her new boyfriend? She also agreed to speak to me and we had a good conversation until I started to beg. For her to talk negative about her new boyfriend but when I started to beg, I knew from there she got turned off. She could have been seeing if I changed and my neediness got the best of me instead. For all I know her and the new guy probably isn't working out and she could be close to breaking up with him.

 

Honestly, I see that as her being uncomfortable that you were asking questions like that. I would interpret that as her not wishing to discuss her love life with you and feeling put on the spot.

 

I'm sorry OP, but I don't see any signs that she wants to come back.

[BobbySeagle]

Thanks for your opinion and input. I think knowing her for 3 years and who's been in a relationship with her, she's always been truthful and honest with me and I know her as a person and on a personal level. She gets scared easily also. We did speak on and off over the course of the 12 months. If she didn't care at all she wouldn't have spoken to me on the phone for over an hour. And if she was so in love and infatuated with her new date, she would be talking to him on the phone, not me.

 

I knew they were dating since October and she knows I still want to get back with her. For her to say "they're kind of dating but not really, they don't see each other often", and then asking afterwards if I'm dating anyone are signs there's still interest there. She could have simply said they're still dating and leave it as that. For an ex to say that to an ex, and then ask if "I'm dating anyone", it's a clear sign meaning the new date isn't working out and it's a way I believe to hit on the other person and ask "hey are you still available?" I truly believe I turned her off in the end with my begging. It reminded her why she isn't with me and it scared her off. Begging and neediness leads to rejection. A woman wants a man in his masculinity and to lead. She was happy talking to me on the phone and we were talking about work and our families and joking around. I know she's still hurt about the breakup but I believe I have to regain her trust. I've gone 21 days of no contact and I hope the holidays will be a time where she reaches out. Thanks everyone for your input I appreciate it.

[boltnrun]

Sounds like you don't want "personal opinions" but instead for people to confirm what you already believe.

 

You choose to listen to only the parts of the conversation that support your point of view and ignore those that do not.

 

Anyway, good luck with your future.

[Jan2728]

For what it's worth, I don't think it will work out with the other guy. Give it time but do not wait. Dating other women will make you stronger if she does reach out. Did she reach out last holiday?

[BobbySeagle]

Thank you for your input Jan2728. We were still together last year and spent Christmas together. I actually saw her at the mall today while I was with my friend. She was sitting alone at a bench and she seemed shocked when she saw me. I waved to her and continued walking and she smiled and waved back. We didn't speak to each other however or communicated on the phone. Going back to the previous phone conversation I had with her, she sounded confused and unsure about him. If she didn't care she wouldn't have spoken to me at all on the phone. I'm meeting other women through dating sites but like you've said, I have worked on myself to be a better person and also giving her space and allowing her to live her life. I won't wait on her however. If she still cares she'll reach out.

[MissCanuck]

Why are you asking for opinions if you are already convinced you know the answers, OP?

[inmyfeelings]

I’m in the same boat as you EXCEPT I’ve been no contact for the entire 12 months. I still have hope but I haven’t expressed it to anyone outside of my immediate friends group. And from reading your post, OP, you aren’t ready to accept the truth which is okay because you may not be at that stage of grieving yet. But I can say, you are in denial which is no bueno. “Probably not” in woman is code for “nah.” She’s being as kind and as considerate as she can be without completely breaking her loyalty to her new beau and completely breaking you as someone who was of importance to her at one point in time. I believe she has begun to move on, it has been 12 months—-one year. My ex has a full on boyfriend who she lives with now—-one year later so it’s possible yours is ready for her next serious relationship too. She does care for you, yes which is why she reaches out but she doesn’t have feelings for you anymore. I think that first half of your conversation was so good because neither one of you addressed past issues—-you sort of just jumped right into casually speaking which is a good time for anybody with a friendship and commonalities. But please notice once you brought up stepping outside of that friendship, that second half of the conversation was awkward and tense. You H A V E to move on, OP. And I know it’s hard, I do—-12 months without my ex and everyday still feels like yesterday but I make an effort to never make an effort for her because a break up is what she wanted so a break up is what she got. Same for your ex, my guy. You gotta give her her break up and be fair to her when you do.

[BobbySeagle]

inmyfeelings - Hey man thanks for your input. I actually spoke to my ex today and we both agreed we have to move on and see other people. It was closure for me and I actually feel a lot better. A huge weight has been lifted and I'm more determined to meet someone new. Honestly in your case if you've been in no contact for 12 months, since you helped me, I'll help you. If I was trying to get back with my ex for 1 year. 12 months for no contact in hopes you'll get back with your ex? Bro move on! You told me the ice cold truth and I'm telling you the same. I at least spoke to my ex throughout the course of the 1 year and we messaged each other and spoke on the phone throughout this time. Find someone else and move on. She's living with the guy! Your case is far worse then mine bro. They live together! Come to terms with it. I appreciate your help and I hope you appreciate mine.

[hlethorn1]

Both of you, until you meet someone who fulfills you as much as your ex did - you will still always think about them/miss them. This is because you've not yet experienced the joys of intimacy with someone who truly excites you as much as your ex did - you've not yet met them, so your memories of such joy exist entirely with your ex. You associate such joy with your ex. It obviously does not mean your ex is the only person who can provide you that joy, or that you wont ever experience that joy with anyone else. In reality your ex is objectively mediocre and there are thousands out there like her waiting to meet you. If you use these hard times as motivation to improve yourself, you will meet someone better than your ex who will provide you unknown levels of happiness. Do not allow your current feelings to justify hope of reconciliation. It will do nothing but limit the growth you can harvest from these difficult times whilst keeping you less open to the joy of dating others.

 

Wish you both nothing but the best of luck throughout these difficult times.

[BobbySeagle]

Just wanted to give everyone an update. My ex and I started speaking to each other again and we're planning on seeing other! We spoke on the phone for a good few hours and we've been texting each other quite a bit. Just wanted to give those that are still hoping to get back with there ex and give them hope, and yes there is always a chance! I doubted those who said it was over and I believed it was still possible and it is. For those trying to get back with your ex, work on yourself and realize what went wrong in the relationship and show your ex the person they fell in love with. Not the person they broke up with and regain their trust.

 

We're on good terms now and we're working together to sort things out.

 

As you can see from other replies, a lot of people felt it was over and done with. I feel these forums are an emotional outlet only and that's all it does. Only those who were in the relationship can better understand and find a solution. Stay positive and never lose hope.

[MissCanuck]

Is she still seeing the other guy, OP?

[MeiLa]

That’s great. I hope everything works out OP!