I think my friend is in love with me, I really need help.

[Notsofunnyguy]

Dear friends at eNotAlone, Hello!

 

Something has been bothering me for quite some time now, and I was googling to see if someone has had similar situation. I came across this site and I decided to join and ask you guys for help, this community seems both active and helpful.

 

So here is the thing, I have an online female friend, we live in different countries (She is in the Netherlands and I'm from the middle east, yet we are both from the same country but she was raised there). We have been friends for more than a year and we are pretty close. I think we have texted each other almost every day from the day we started chatting, and sometimes our chats take long, but this is what is a bit alarming for me.

 

I am a bit concerned that she might have developed some feelings beyond the spectrum of friendship. I kinda feel that she expects the behavior one would expect from a boyfriend. To text back on-demand, to memorize her daily schedule (God forbid if forget something about her work). She starts fights because I could not text back for a few hours (yes, only for a few hours). And even if I don't text back for like a day, she starts apologizing and just says how "She needs to talk to me" or "She would not trade my friendship with the world" or other things like that. Once she started a fight and when I told her maybe we should talk less or something, she cried for hours. I can give you further details but I think that would be redundant.

 

I have to say that I really like her, she is a very good friend, I feel comfortable to talk to her about my feelings, but I kinda feel like that it is turning into some kind of obligation. In a relationship (more than friends), you are obliged to make time for your SO no matter what. But demanding a friend to be there all the time, every moment of every day, is a bit odd. I can't simply ask her, and she is going through a lot of problems (family, work, depression etc.) and I want to be her helping hand... but as a friend. I tried to ask her about her future plans regarding a relationship and she told e a few times that she doesn't even think about a relationship or joked about not finding the guy she wants. On the other hand she keeps telling me that she can't imagine not talking to me even for one day. I don't know what to make out of it.

 

I'm currently single, but I might start dating in a few months (currently I am so preoccupied that I can not guarantee a girl's emotional stability and satisfaction) and I can't imagine hurting her. On the other hand, when I start dating eventually, I will not text a female friend 24/7, it is very disrespectful to my future SO, and it might even be distructive for her. Btw, we're both 26.

 

I don't know what to do. Is she in love with me? If so, what can I do? I can't simply shut her down.

[Karlie13]

As a women I feel like yes she does have feelings for you. The only thing is if you guys do not even see each other in person could she just be acting like this to seek more attention since you are only online friends. I feel like she prob has a lot of feelings for you but can’t do nothing about It because of distance so she reacts the way she does. Maybe you should distance yourself becusse feelings will only grow.

[SherrySher]

It's probably more than likely that she has developed feelings and she has definitely become attached and needing much more than she should need from a friend. It's not healthy and it has become strangling.

You need to be honest with her and let her know that it's become more than you're comfortable with. That you still appreciate her friendship but that you don't wish for it to be as much as it is now.

Let her down gently.

I know it won't be completely without hurt but that's not something that can be helped, unfortunately. You still need to tell her that things have become too much.

 

You are more than likely doing her a favor as well even if it doesn't seem like it. She needs to venture out and find a BF and the relationship she has with you is holding her back.

If she keeps depending on you for the BF needs, she won't ever find someone who will love her as she is needing and you will feel trapped.

For both your sakes, be honest with her, let her know you are needing more distance but that you still wish to remain friends.

Be prepared for her to be hurt initially, but if she truly values you as a friend, she will respect your wishes and realise that this is for the best.

[Wiseman2]

It seems you need to stop being a therapist for her. Be a good friend but proceed with your own dating life because you are squarely in the friendzone here. She is too dependent on you and that isn't healthy for either of you.

[Notsofunnyguy]

As a women I feel like yes she does have feelings for you. The only thing is if you guys do not even see each other in person could she just be acting like this to seek more attention since you are only online friends. I feel like she prob has a lot of feelings for you but can’t do nothing about It because of distance so she reacts the way she does. Maybe you should distance yourself becusse feelings will only grow.

 

Thank you for your answer. Well, there is a big chance that we might see each other, because her family lives here and she visits regularly, which makes it even more worrisome.

 

It's probably more than likely that she has developed feelings and she has definitely become attached and needing much more than she should need from a friend. It's not healthy and it has become strangling.

You need to be honest with her and let her know that it's become more than you're comfortable with. That you still appreciate her friendship but that you don't wish for it to be as much as it is now.

Let her down gently.

I know it won't be completely without hurt but that's not something that can be helped, unfortunately. You still need to tell her that things have become too much.

 

You are more than likely doing her a favor as well even if it doesn't seem like it. She needs to venture out and find a BF and the relationship she has with you is holding her back.

If she keeps depending on you for the BF needs, she won't ever find someone who will love her as she is needing and you will feel trapped.

For both your sakes, be honest with her, let her know you are needing more distance but that you still wish to remain friends.

Be prepared for her to be hurt initially, but if she truly values you as a friend, she will respect your wishes and realise that this is for the best.

 

Thank you for your well written answer. Honestly, I am the type of person that thrives on people relying on him. When we talk and I make her feel better, I feel very, very good. Same goes with any other friend, so I am comfortable with talking to her (Or any other close friend regardless of gender) any time of the day for as long as I physically can.

But the thing is, she was hurt very, very badly in her previous relationships (her ex dated her for 3 years while cheating for 2 and a half years...) and she was emotionally abused by family and lovers. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel sorry for her and I don't talk to her out of pity. I genuinely like her, but she is nor ready for dating. Not at all. I have made hints about me wanting to find someone to date when the time comes and when I'm ready, and she "seems" ok with it.

 

But the thing is, she almost has no one to rely on and she is a bit suicidal (I think). Her life is not going very well. She definately needs professional help but doesn't have the money, nor the dedication, to seek help. I just need to know how to help her rely on herself, and more importantly, how to make it clear that she has to rely on me as a freind without directly telling her. I once brought it up that once I start dating, we would talk less and it deeply hurt her. I have to add that I know her very well to say that she is not an attention seeker, not at all. So she doesn't act like this to get more attention.

 

It seems you need to stop being a therapist for her. Be a good friend but proceed with your own dating life because you are squarely in the friendzone here. She is too dependent on you and that isn't healthy for either of you.

 

You put it very well, now that I think of it I am kinda like her therapist. She is not holding me back, I have told he numerous times that I will start dating but she has nothing to do with me being single. And neither of us has tried to "friendzone" the other, I don't think about her as a potential SO and she hasn't made any remarks in that matter. But when I think of it, what kind of friend leaves a hurt, depressed, broke friend when she needs him (or her).

[SherrySher]

You're not leaving her as a good friend, however, you are giving her the wrong impression and leading her to believe that you could be or are doing the duties of a boyfriend and she is relying so heavily on that, that it will not be an easy cycle to break.

You also are going to hurt her far worse if you keep on and then slowly drop her once you meet someone. She will end up blaming your girlfriend.

 

This is why it's critical that you establish a friendship with her and have boundaries. You are essentially leading her on without meaning to and it's not right for her or for yourself.

 

It's okay to be her friend and okay to be there for her, but not 24/7 and not as soon as she demands. What you are doing is making her think you are the only one she can reply on and that she can't stand on her own two feet either. You are being more detrimental rather than helpful.

That's the bottom line.

 

This girl has got to help herself and has got to try to seek professional help from somewhere, even online.

To be a friend, you want to help her stand on her own, not have her believe that if she can't get a hold of you that she will crumble.

You need to change the dynamic.

[IAmFCA]

what kind of friend leaves a hurt, depressed, broke friend when she needs him (or her)

 

And how is she a friend to you? What kind of friend lets her baggage get in her friend's way? Go out into the world more, be on line less. You've talked about dating, so start being busy with your friends etc.

 

Also, read about White Knight syndrome and insecure attachment styles in romantic relationships, to help your romantic life as well.

[Notsofunnyguy]

You're not leaving her as a good friend, however, you are giving her the wrong impression and leading her to believe that you could be or are doing the duties of a boyfriend and she is relying so heavily on that, that it will not be an easy cycle to break.

You also are going to hurt her far worse if you keep on and then slowly drop her once you meet someone. She will end up blaming your girlfriend.

 

This is why it's critical that you establish a friendship with her and have boundaries. You are essentially leading her on without meaning to and it's not right for her or for yourself.

 

It's okay to be her friend and okay to be there for her, but not 24/7 and not as soon as she demands. What you are doing is making her think you are the only one she can reply on and that she can't stand on her own two feet either. You are being more detrimental rather than helpful.

That's the bottom line.

 

This girl has got to help herself and has got to try to seek professional help from somewhere, even online.

To be a friend, you want to help her stand on her own, not have her believe that if she can't get a hold of you that she will crumble.

You need to change the dynamic.

 

And how is she a friend to you? What kind of friend lets her baggage get in her friend's way? Go out into the world more, be on line less. You've talked about dating, so start being busy with your friends etc.

 

Also, read about White Knight syndrome and insecure attachment styles in romantic relationships, to help your romantic life as well.

 

 

Thank you, both of you. I guess I am so worried about her that as you said, I am doing more harm than good. I am busy with work and university (Working on a thesis for Masters is haaaaaard), while I am available online, I cant spend much time outside.

 

Now that I know being there for her all the time is wrong, I need actual tactics. One tactic is to lie to her. Maybe I should start telling her that Im going out with friends or tell her that I am going out of town and I cant text (And dont answer her texts for a few days). This way she might realize that she should not depend on a friend like this, without actually telling her. What do you guys think? Should I lie and become less and less available (Not that much, enough for her to realize that I am merely a friend). And if she brought it up that I am not there and I should be, then I could be a bot more straightforward. Any ideas?

[JA0371]

I think it's sweet that you're such a good friend to her but that her reactions as a 'friend' belie her true feelings....that she wants more. The only thing you can do is be honest and try to distance yourself a bit. If you know she isn't someone you want to date in the future then you're doing yourself and her a disservice, because you WILL eventually meet someone you really like and this will be a sticky situation.

 

Be kind but be firm....it's hard but it's for the best.

Best wishes...

[JA0371]

Another thought to add to my last post is to just ask her questions ...this way she gets the chance to tell you how she feels. I don't think it's really fair to lie to her and cut her off. Just be honest....a couple of questions you could ask are....

" since we are good friends, would you be honest and tell me if you thought of me as a boyfriend ? I ask because sometimes I get that feeling....' This isn't accusatory...it's giving her permission to be honest without fear of rejection.

 

As for how to tell her you aren't interested in her romantically....you can say you truly value her as a best friend . Maybe you can talk to her about someone ( a guy friend) that you think she might like. If she gets upset or hurt you have your answer....then is the time to just be honest.

 

I would definetely not just cut her off though....unless she shows any signs of being crazy or stalkerish.

[Notsofunnyguy]

I think it's sweet that you're such a good friend to her but that her reactions as a 'friend' belie her true feelings....that she wants more. The only thing you can do is be honest and try to distance yourself a bit. If you know she isn't someone you want to date in the future then you're doing yourself and her a disservice, because you WILL eventually meet someone you really like and this will be a sticky situation.

 

Be kind but be firm....it's hard but it's for the best.

Best wishes...

 

Another thought to add to my last post is to just ask her questions ...this way she gets the chance to tell you how she feels. I don't think it's really fair to lie to her and cut her off. Just be honest....a couple of questions you could ask are....

" since we are good friends, would you be honest and tell me if you thought of me as a boyfriend ? I ask because sometimes I get that feeling....' This isn't accusatory...it's giving her permission to be honest without fear of rejection.

 

As for how to tell her you aren't interested in her romantically....you can say you truly value her as a best friend . Maybe you can talk to her about someone ( a guy friend) that you think she might like. If she gets upset or hurt you have your answer....then is the time to just be honest.

 

I would definetely not just cut her off though....unless she shows any signs of being crazy or stalkerish.

 

I appreciate your answer. About her, well she is very beautiful, great body, fantastic personality and sense of humor. Actually I would recommend her to a guy friend if I had a good friend to set her up with! But first of all, I just don't have that special "feeling" about her you know, I'm not talking about some teenage love at first sight thing, but you kinda need a spark about someone, I don't have that spark about her. Aside from that, we are way different in terms of core values, religious views, families, etc. Bottom line, it won't work and I'm not into her like that honestly (yes it's a bit shallow I know).

 

But the thing is, the worst thing I can ask her is that question... I know her very well. She has a HUGE pride in herself (in a good way) and she will never admit that. Even if she does, we have 2 outcomes. First, she says she wants more and everything will become wayyyy too awkward. Second, she says no and I will be the who thinks everyone is attracted to him! I thank you again for your input, and I feel bad about laying to her... but I can't just ask her like this.

PS. She has been a bit stalkerish in the past...