I don't get it

[Dagger76]

Anyone have any insight on why my stbxw will still avoid me and make excuses not to be around me?

Together 7 years married 4. Two kids 8 and 3. Very long story short in typical fashion cheated and left. Claiming to be unhappy for years but showed absolutly no sign she was THAT unhappy . Work,life, kids got the better of us i guess although we seemed to be in a real good place at the time.

She then immedialty began to date and party and be single. Didn't even entend to leave me for the guy just used him to end it according to her. Within two months she started seeing a new guy ( single life not fun?) She dumps him and takes him back constantly. Her back up now. I cant even get her to talk so we can be in the same room as our kids together and actually speak to each other.

I of course have been angry and hurt and all the normal but also trying to be civil for our kids but have had many moments because sbe basically left and pretends i dont exist,ignored my attempts to talk . No remorse shown and avoids me and neing around me at all costs. And latley has been angry and petty for no reason starting or continuing fights where before shed just ignore it.

We have 50/50 custody of our children so we are always going to be in some situations were we are around each other

So why if she wanted out of our marriage and cheated . Why does she act like im the bad guy?why cant she even suck it up for the kids and be in the same room with me ? Shes seems more bitter and angry. Yes we argue and ive tried not to but its so hard so i dont contact her at all. Im not even doing a nasty divorce. Cheap legal aid and we're done. She wouldnt file but its obvious she wanted it. And im morw than done and just want to move on

I didnt want any of this but i seem to be the only one accepting it.

Ive from the start tried to move on in those ways and and in general make peace but she wants nothing to do with it even though she must have known when she left we'd have to see each other. And a lot considering our schedule.

She moved on . Shes got a new guy. Shes not coming back. Ive accepted it and dont contact her or start anything anymore just trying to move on.

So why still bother being crap to me or avoid? If i can suck it up why can't she?it actually seems worse as time goes on

Most recent is her not wanting to attend our youngests dentist appointment because id be there. Very thin veiled excuse that if we were both there she act crazy and not get through it. Shes 3. I questioned if she was ready for it yet and it wasnt and issue until i said i was going.

She never attends our other kids gymnastics if im there. First day of school i might as well been a stranger.

She got whst she wanted.she left and didn't want back. I asked twice to talk to even just try to be civil she wants nothing to do with it. So i told her im done and we should have as little contact as possible

Her new guy id her 'backup chump' it seems snd shes never even attempted to come back but if she's that done why still be so walled up and ANGRY?

We don't need to be friends but i dont even hear shes moving unless my kid says something. My oldest is my stepchild and she doesn't treat her dad like this. I raised that kid and ours. He knew. Even just lack of common curtosy seems impossible for ger. But just towards me.

Its a convoluted story even for divorce i think. Why would someone purposely leave and act so ty when they must have known how much we have to or make such overt hostility over the little we do when its all her choice and doing? When ive tried to be civil when i should be acting like this?

Ive rwad lots on it. Guilt. Shame. My reactions.etc. but this seems extreme even if one or all.of those are factors.

[Dagger76]

Apologies for the spelling and legth. It's not even everything but its hard to move forward when she seems to be holding some grudge for she did.

[Dagger76]

Oh and this is now going on two years since she left.

[Jeffbobo]

I’ve heard this story many times. I think your ex wife was/is unhappy with life, looked for reasons. It wasn’t the kids, job and certainly not her. So that leaves you. Also, do you think in conversation that she has with friends and family that the reason for divorce has anything to do with her? Do you think she’s going to say, “Well, my husband was a great guy but I just wasn’t in love with him anymore.”

 

So what do you do? My question is, why the heck do care if she avoids you and doesn’t want to be around you? There’s absolutely no reason why you should want or need that. Who cares. Good riddence. Close that door and don’t look back. You’re a single parent with respect to the kids when they’re with you. The only communication that needs to happen is the business of raising your children. And this business can be accomplished via email, with minimal contact.

[MAXX]

This is the classic case of feeling guilt on her part for what she has done. The reasons she left are a moot point, the only thing that one can be sure of is her actions. She justified her actions anyway possible to remove/reduce guilt, and that means making you out to be the bad guy. It's not far off sociopathic behavior. I'm not sure how your break up went, but if you tried to make it work during the course of her distancing herself from you, in her eyes you were no longer the alpha male of her life. A close friend of mine went through the exact same thing, to the point where she was avoiding him in the same room and could no longer make eye contact. All you can do is limit contact and focus on yourself and the kids...it will always be the kids who suffer the most, but when someone is selfish they will not see this. Don't fall victim to anger, this will only make it worse! Keep doing what you're doing and move on from her and meet someone who is deserving of you and who will give you respect. Don't count on her for anything regarding the kids unless it's required. It's all on you amigo. Good luck, and keep improving and don't look back, EVER!

[DancingFool]

Simple answer is guilt. She cheated on you, you are taking the high road, she is likely very unhappy with herself and you are a constant living breathing reminder of how low she stooped and what she did. Her conscience is eating her alive and she kind of hates you for it rather than herself. If you aren't around, she can forget.

 

Anyway, since she doesn't want to be in the same room as you, so be it. This isn't about you and getting upset about it, trying to force the issue, trying to be friends - you aren't doing yourself any favors here. Being truly over her and accepting that it's over means also not giving a flying rat's rear end about what she does and how crazy she acts. Good news - her crazy is no longer your problem. So quit making it a problem for yourself.

[reinventmyself]

This is the classic case of feeling guilt on her part for what she has done. The reasons she left are a moot point, the only thing that one can be sure of is her actions. She justified her actions anyway possible to remove/reduce guilt, and that means making you out to be the bad guy. It's not far off sociopathic behavior.

 

Sociopath? That's quite a stretch.

She's either not wanting to own her part in the demise of her marriage or she's not capable of letting of anger and resentment.

[figureitout23]

 

Anyway, since she doesn't want to be in the same room as you, so be it. This isn't about you and getting upset about it, trying to force the issue, trying to be friends - you aren't doing yourself any favors here. Being truly over her and accepting that it's over means also not giving a flying rat's rear end about what she does and how crazy she acts. Good news - her crazy is no longer your problem. So quit making it a problem for yourself.

 

That's where the argument falls apart for me. I read a lot of your issues as a former couple but no where in your post did I see that she's failing her children.

 

Exes don't have to be in each other's lives. Even if you have children together. It would be nice, especially for your children's sake but certainly not required. Especially if she doesn't HAVE to be there. A recital, yeah, a dentist appt? Come on...being a good mother is not contingent on how she treats you, you're her ex.

.

 

Trying to analyze why she doesn't want to be around you has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. Guilt, anger, unresolved feelings, that's about you two not your kids. Again, even an ex who has children with you is not required to be in your life. Don't use them as an excuse. Let her go and heal. I think focusing on her actions is just going to prolong the healing process.

[MAXX]

Sociopath? That's quite a stretch.

She's either not wanting to own her part in the demise of her marriage or she's not capable of letting of anger and resentment.

 

Perhaps, but it wouldn't surprise me if she were, but at the end of the day it's a moot point. The only logical play now is to change focus from her negativity to himself and the kids.

[Dagger76]

Thanks all. Pretty mych affirming what ive been doing or at least attempted to do especially lately. I ve put all my focus into my kids since this started trying to give them stability. While she is not a bad mom she is a selfish one. Her man who's been in and out is not the first or last to meet them immediately. Among other things i have no control over but anyway.....I agree we dont need to be friends or in the same room and havent even tried since i found out a number of things early on. But typically she fought me on a lot of issues with the kids including when people should meet them and even telling me she didnt see the point of getting divorced! Ony reason was sbe didnt want to chsnge her name or was never getting married again.....basically a year of unessecary arguments and dredging up the past by me and ignoring its impact by her . Accomplished nothing but we're still seem to be emotionally fueled. But npw im trying to move past that or at least not use it on her but she seems to still be angry even though she asked me to leave her alone. I do.

I have had a hard time letting go but ive tried to co parent for the kids sake.not mine. But latley ive given up on any chance of that and its ok .she not needed in my life to raise the kids. Ive gone through the gambit of pain jelousy anger depression etc. Im at a point of true acceptance but still lots of work to be beyond this

Maybe its that acceptance that frustrates me that she still has to act like this. Or maybe its the whole im moving on and shes not a fan im not putting in the effort anymore. Which if so is confusing because of how quick and definative she moved on .

I dont know how im getting to a point of indifference brfore she did. She seemed pretty indifferent when she left. And doesn't seem to get why i might not be cool or ok with things still aftet a year of bull. Or even want to coparent anymore or hear from her when its not nessecary. Like really offended that 'the past' has affected the present. But how can she not get it? She actually said i act like im the only person to ever be cheated on.

[Dagger76]

Its just really hard to love someone so much and have it be like this. Hard to make sense of it all . But like you all pretty much say its pointless and im starting to agree. I just dont want the next decade to be ty awkwardness for the kids but its probably going to be

[MAXX]

Its just really hard to love someone so much and have it be like this. Hard to make sense of it all . But like you all pretty much say its pointless and im starting to agree. I just dont want the next decade to be ty awkwardness for the kids but its probably going to be

 

In the grand scheme of things, you've only been separated for a relatively short period of time so it will take some adjusting to get into what will be your new "normal" without her as your life partner. I agree with what you said that she is being very selfish, and basically wanting her cake and it eat to. She will justify her actions anyway possible by attempting to put less emphasis on her actions, and brushing them off by making you out to be the bad guy. When things settle is when she may see the error of her ways, and this usually happens once you move on which is what it sounds like you're doing. Its tough my friend for sure, but once you make it past the "hump" you will be good...you have to be, for you and the kids, but I'm sure you already no that! lol. You got this!!! Just keep moving forward and believe that your personnel stock is worth more then what she gives you credit for.

[DancingFool]

Its just really hard to love someone so much and have it be like this. Hard to make sense of it all . But like you all pretty much say its pointless and im starting to agree. I just dont want the next decade to be ty awkwardness for the kids but its probably going to be

 

It will stop being awkward when you arrive at that point of true indifference. She doesn't want to be at x appointment, who cares. She won't be at game or recital, who cares. You will be there for your children and not give her a single thought anymore. Actually, you will stop noticing whether she is or isn't there at all. She just won't be on your mind the way she is now.

[Dagger76]

I think i struggle to just not care a lot because of her new guy. Or rather the guy shes been seeing on and off for almost as much time we've been split but only unofficially in a relationship recently

As i said he found a guy who is apparently nice and willing to pay for things etc. But shes dumped him more than once but kept him around as a 'friend' while dating and sleeping around. For what ever reason he'll ask(more beg according to a mutal friend) and he's back in. Like 4 times in less thsn a year.

I cant get her to sit and talk to even try to be civil and said i could forgive het if she would just talk to me and its rejected and ignored but this guy she barely knows she can drop monthly and all he has to do is ask and hes in?

He met my kids almost immediately too and has been in and out. But ive never met him and shes almost made it a point to avoid a meeting. Been told that in fact.

Cant base their thing on ours and her life is non of my business i know and i dont pay a lot of attention. This is all info from friends and my kid who seem to think i want to know. Put a stop to that but THAT only leads to more confusion. Most cake eaters would be using their ex as the ' backup ' especially our hostory but not only not to try but some other chump gets that?

How do you ignore the father of your kids when hes willing to forgive such a betrayal but the new guy you can give all the chances?

I roll my eyes at it but its kind of insulting . And wierd. Especially when she never intended to divorce me?but will if i initiate. She told a mediator that

Id feel like im being strung along if not for the fact she literally acts like im a stranger.

[Dagger76]

This is makes a inquisitive mi d like mine hard to disconnect even though now its been so much of that crap its hard not to wonder.

Ive just had to stop to keep going forward and now i just roll my eyes but its just what ive been dealing with and makes me wonder why she still feels the need to be a and argue and so on.

If i can deal with all this and she's not even seemingly emotionally attacted to me anymore why make it awkward?

People who have abused theirs exes seem to be able to deal better.

But so be it if its the case im not letting it affect me anymore but its a difficult situation for my children. And will continue to be sadly

Doing all i can to mske life good for them but im a changed person now

[figureitout23]

How do you ignore the father of your kids when hes willing to forgive such a betrayal but the new guy you can give all the chances?

 

Especially when she never intended to divorce me?but will if i initiate. She told a mediator that

Id feel like im being strung along if not for the fact she literally acts like im a stranger.

 

And here's where your issue lies, again this is not a coparenting issue, although she really has no right to be parading men in and out of your children's lives, but at the end of the day you're kinda deflecting, I don't care! This is about the kids! But then it eventually morphs into 'I'm the father of her kids, how dare she treat me like this.'

 

Your marriage and your life as parents to those beautiful little being are two separate entities, but you keep trying to combine them trying to give yourself leverage. Yes, you built a family with this woman and it SHOULD be a reason for her to try to work things out but unfortunately if she chooses not to, there's very, very little you can do.

 

Look at all the single parents in the world, kids don't hold families together,but that's ok because you can and will be ok and you can and will be an amazing father to those children, it'll be hard while healing, but one day at a time, you will be ok.

 

Her distance right now can actually be a blessing in disguise. You two can probably benefit from a little distance, you don't need to know about her actions, it'll just keep setting you back.

[Dagger76]

Well there's definatley distance. Believe me if i coukd ghost her i would but we still do have to interact and talk for the kids. Which we do for them through text. A lot of this is old for me but i still find it hsrd to process so i am probably trying to get ahead of it. Its just been a unecsecary limbo mostly on her end. I know lots of people in similar situations that can be in the same room with each other even if its no talking. Shes the one who was over us and left. Moved on. Gave me the kids so much there's no choice but to interact. Yet throws up the wall. Shows up where i work and pretends im not there.

Its been almost 1 1/2 years shes been with new guy and ill be meetinh him for the first time at my kids xmas concert in a few dsys. That's beem confirmed to me thats been on purpose although ive been fully aware hes there. She avoids to the extreme.

Im a step dad.raised her since she was a baby Situations are different but once her dad who is also in hef life knew who i was it wasnt avoided. This sort of dynamic isnt New to her and we had so much more tome and life than my daughters dad and her. It was a rough go with him too but by now time wise things were infinitely better. Because they had to be good for my kid.

Yes i have tried to be the better person about it for the kids and my own ego. Msybe that's it . I tried too hard but now i dont care to try even though yes it sucks and i do actually care i do accept it is how it is. Doesnt make it any less hsrd to come out of this limbo ive been stuck in. Makes meeting a boyfriend after so much time more difficult than it should be at this point.

We actually for awhile could be in the same room sort if thing but now she just avoids it at all costs.

Im not under the illusion we'll ever be ok. Im prepared for it but am not avoiding her on purpose. If i think she'll be at gymnastics for our kid i go. I just dont interact. Shes now will show up when she knows im not.

I mightjust be ranting here . This is mostly all in the past and im moving on.i know it sounds the opposite but i truely am trying.

She knows it and it seems to make her angry even though its whst she wanted I just dint look foward to a decade of this when its in her power to even just stop making it awkward and complicated .

The one who didnt give a seems to be holding on just as much as me. Moreso because at least im trying to get beyond it for the kids

[creativekelly]

Its hard to co-parent when the other person isn't reasonable and unfortunately you don't have a choice. There is only so much you can protect your kids from (abuse not included) - but you said shes not a bad mom just a selfish one - they will learn soon enough she is selfish and you won't even tell them...kids are smart. But for you, your wanting explanations for her behavior and there really are none. And from it sounds like it - you say you accept the situation but in reality you just really haven't yet and thats okay, it takes time. My recommendation is don't seek her out if she doesn't come to an event or ignores you then just go be you, her relationship with the kids is her relationship and that is something she will have to live with. If you feel the need to communicate about the kids (which of course your should) keep it in a text message or email and keep it simple. If she doesn't respond that is her choice but you provided the information. But you can't change how people act just on how you react to them, so I recommend change your reaction to her.

[Dagger76]

Yeah i am. I dont really reach out at all to her. Never have unless i felt it nessecary like when she moved but dudnt think i needed to know. Her reasoning was like you all say we're not in each others life so i dont need to know whsts going on. My reasoning was that i should know where my kids live. And with who. But it becomes about me wanting to know about her but i dont think its unreasonable for a father to know that.

And yeah maybe its more im accepting it rather than i have fully. Itd just be easier if i wasnt stonewalled on the other side. To the point now thay ive given up and told her i want even less commuicstion and dont need to answer every text but now that is a issue!

Just trying to figure out whats best for me and my kids. Now its not bothering to try to coparent or worry if she doesnt show up or want to be in the same room. Again i dont have a issue with it. She does. Her problem not mine but why is it still a problem?

Like i said im someone who needs to know the answers and ill never know. But its still in my face because of the kids so its always on my mind even if my attitude is becoming more "meh oh well".

It is hard to accept someone you were good to and loved and tgey loved you can just turn it off so completely you question everything. If i cheated or abused her or even was constantly bugging her id get it . Im mad and hurt but how dud she not think i wouldnt be and try to mend a few fences just for the kids sake.

Selfish and immature i guess

[figureitout23]

Yeah i am. I dont really reach out at all to her.

 

Based on what you said here, yes you do.

 

Never have unless i felt it nessecary like when she moved but dudnt think i needed to know. Her reasoning was like you all say we're not in each others life so i dont need to know whsts going on. My reasoning was that i should know where my kids live. And with who. But it becomes about me wanting to know about her but i dont think its unreasonable for a father to know that.

 

 

I agree with you, you have every right to know where she lives and with whom. It becomes an issue when, under the surface, it's more than that. Based on your (justified) hurt feelings, you haven't healed from this yet, so even if you are trying to make it only about your children you haven't quite seperated the two relationships.

 

And yeah maybe its more im accepting it rather than i have fully. Itd just be easier if i wasnt stonewalled on the other side. To the point now thay ive given up and told her i want even less commuicstion and dont need to answer every text but now that is a issue!

 

There's still hurt feelings on both ends so your interactions are going to be rough for a bit, totally expected, over time and through healing you two will eventually be able to better navigate coparenting or she will never meet you half way and you will accept it and continue to parent to the best of your ability.

 

 

Just trying to figure out whats best for me and my kids. Now its not bothering to try to coparent or worry if she doesnt show up or want to be in the same room. Again i dont have a issue with it. She does. Her problem not mine but why is it still a problem?

 

It is bothering you and you do have an issue with it, remember the dentist appt.? It's a problem because you're having to navigate coparenting while also healing from a break up, it's far from easy.

 

 

Like i said im someone who needs to know the answers and ill never know. But its still in my face because of the kids so its always on my mind even if my attitude is becoming more "meh oh well".

 

Ok so this ^

 

It is hard to accept someone you were good to and loved and tgey loved you can just turn it off so completely you question everything. If i cheated or abused her or even was constantly bugging her id get it .

 

Directly contradicts this. ^

 

You are still smack dab in the middle of healing, while staying closely entangled in her life and calling it attempts at coparenting, but in reality all you're doing is setting your healing back by knowing every detail of her life. You're going to stay stuck if you keep operating in this manner.

 

Im mad and hurt but how dud she not think i wouldnt be and try to mend a few fences just for the kids sake.

Selfish and immature i guess

 

I don't think you're selfish or immature, I think you're mad and hurt and dealing with all those emotions while trying to raise your kids right. I think you just keep crossing wires because you want her back. Unfortunately your relationship as a couple and your relationship as parents are two separate entities, so continuing to cross those wires is damaging.

 

I have had a couple of friends separate from the father of their children and became bitter and the children become pawns. These aren't bad people and they're not bad parents they just refuse to recognize they aren't separating their hurt feelings from their position as parents.

[Dagger76]

Yes have good days and bad ones. Hlad she's gone. Miss her like hell. Wish we had any kind of relationship. Better off that we dont. Emotional rollercoaster haha

It really only recently ive tried to let go fully. Its so hard .

But i must. And i really don't reach out. I dont even text her about the kids. Just when ill be there to get them. Nothing more again unless it was like when she moved. And frankly it just escalated into a fight once i tried to tell her its not about her and why it must still be difficult with her.

It probably is me trying to hold on in some ways. Probably the wonder and need for it not to be so ty. Yes for the kids but for me too.

But after that with her really being mean and defensive i decided its unacceptable so i started to let it go and stop even resopnding about the kids when it wasnt needed. Thats when she wouod text to be pissy or complain that if i wanted more communication and co parenting she didnt get why now i dont seem to be doing it. Thats when i informed her i dont anymore because im good on my own and we just fight and the less i hear from her the better. Through her actions over the year its what she seemed to want. Told me she didnt care if we were friends ever. Even for the kids like her and my oldests dad are. And wants nothing to do with me. Then texts funny about shoes for our kid like that nevet happened or we even have thst kind of relstionship at all. So o have to tell her that's not cool and its just strictly kids . Agsin shes not a fan but stsys away.

But i do that and all of a sudden its important we talk and that she has to imply im not parenting correctly and accusing me of purposly not informing her about things like when to order schoop photos. Why would i? We dont talk she never informs me about this stuff my daughter does. But now im a because i dont talk to her?

So o gave her what she wants but its a problem. Its gotten worse or maybe im trying to move on but shes still in the same place? She would show up at gymnastics if i was there now she doesnt. And its on puprpose I'm not speculating. Again my daughter tells me these things. (On her own i dont ask)

And that's the problem i guess. It hsrd and i dont want this still but to detach is the only way ill heal. Its only been a few months like this so i still have to wonder if she finally got her way why is it a problem? I guess eventually ill stop wondering or caring but i still do but a lot less. Just time and distance i suppose and forcing myself to stop thinking about it