What to do when you're already doing everything you can to move on...

[blueberry33]

My ex broke up with me 4-5 months ago, and I still can't shake the negative feelings around it. We only dated for a bit over a year but I still long for the past. I miss him, I miss the connection, and I miss the life I had with him. I feel so helpless because I've been doing everything you're "supposed to" do after a break up. I've kept NC for this whole time, started working out more, been making more plans with friends, spent more time refocusing on my career, gone on some dates, and have been attending therapy. This wasn't an abusive relationship or anything like that. I loved him so deeply and more than men I have been in longer relationships with. I just feel stuck in this sad place, and I don't know what else I can do to feel better. Anyone else struggling with this or have any words of advice? It's just so frustrating when I feel like I'm doing everything I can but the breakup still consumes me.

[Carus]

It is consuming me too although it's only been 2 weeks for me since I got the final goodbye email.

 

Still, if you loved somebody 4-5 months is also not that long.

 

Despite you still not feeling so good I'm so glad you're doing the right things....

 

Grief can keep going if not treated properly, ie: Drinking a lot etc

 

You'll need to continue practicing controlling your thoughts. It takes time but we need to rewire new neural pathways in our brains.

 

Sending you Strength

Carus*

[Herbie123]

You’ve already made it this far and are doing everything you possibly can.

I’m 1 week in after being together 6 years and there seems like no light at the end of the tunnel. Take every day as it comes. see the positives in the world again. you deserve somebody who sees you for the amazing person you are. if they don’t see that, they don’t deserve you. nothing anyone says will change how you feel. Just know your not alone, it’s shocked me coming on here seeing the amount of people in the same position. x

[sputnik123]

Hi Blueberry,

Sorry to hear you are going through this, but you are in the right place.

I echo the thoughts of Carus and Herbie.

Stay strong and take one day at a time.

[Gettinup]

Hi Blueberry,

 

Likewise I mirror the sentiments above. As Carus mentioned:

 

“You'll need to continue practicing controlling your thoughts. It takes time but we need to rewire new neural pathways in our brains.”

 

Totally agree with this 100%. What has worked for me is creating new routines which hold no tie to the past with the ex, thusly removing the thoughts of them. Simple things as well like the time of which I would have dinner, or changing where I would do the shopping.

 

Keep pushing forward.

[blueberry33]

Thanks for everyone for their kind words. I find it so hard to change and control where my thoughts go when I'm missing him but I do think that's a big key to it. Any other tips would be much appreciated.

[Dominique]

All you can do us keep going and wait....

Keep moving forward. Do what you are doing now. At some point the distance between your heartbreak and now will too great to ever look back.

Just keep moving forward. One day this will be behind you. Even if it doesn't feel that way now. It will. If you let it...I promise.

 

Sending you love and light.

[blueberry33]

Everyone says that time will heal. Logically I know there's some truth in that but since the breakup, I feel like I've just been waiting for days to pass to see if I'll be happy again. Not yet, unfortunately. I just want to skip ahead and see if it gets better for me and if I'll be happy again.

[SweetGirl28]

Everyone says that time will heal. Logically I know there's some truth in that but since the breakup, I feel like I've just been waiting for days to pass to see if I'll be happy again. Not yet, unfortunately. I just want to skip ahead and see if it gets better for me and if I'll be happy again.

 

 

Time, time, and more time. Especially because you loved him so much.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but trust it will lessen.

 

NC is supposed to help heal, but there's times that it hurts like hell, especially because he broke up with you.

I recently was experiencing your same pain, he broke up with me, he went silent, I let him. He reached out a week ago, then again today for six hours. No talk of missing one another or reconciliation, not asking to hang out.

So breaking contact can hurt a little too, not knowing why they are doing so.

Just hang in there, be strong. I'll bet as soon as you start to feel better, you will hear from him.

They always make a return. Just have to figure out why. In my case hearing from him broke the anger and lessened the pain. I'm okay with hearing from him now, or not because of it. Every situation is different.

I hope you feel better soon

[blueberry33]

Time, time, and more time. Especially because you loved him so much.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but trust it will lessen.

 

NC is supposed to help heal, but there's times that it hurts like hell, especially because he broke up with you.

I recently was experiencing your same pain, he broke up with me, he went silent, I let him. He reached out a week ago, then again today for six hours. No talk of missing one another or reconciliation, not asking to hang out.

So breaking contact can hurt a little too, not knowing why they are doing so.

Just hang in there, be strong. I'll bet as soon as you start to feel better, you will hear from him.

They always make a return. Just have to figure out why. In my case hearing from him broke the anger and lessened the pain. I'm okay with hearing from him now, or not because of it. Every situation is different.

I hope you feel better soon

 

 

Thanks for your kind words! I hope things work out for you. How long were you NC? Do you feel like you we're doing pretty well before he reached out?

 

I also hate the fact that part of me feels like I'm waiting for the days to pass to see if he'll reach out. It's hard holding on to that false hope. It does seem like they always come back again, maybe not romantically and sometimes years later...

[blueberry33]

My therapist said that we don't necessarily have to stop loving someone to move on. It scares me though that I might always have these feelings for him and that I might always feel pain when I think about him.

[SweetGirl28]

Thanks for your kind words! I hope things work out for you. How long were you NC? Do you feel like you we're doing pretty well before he reached out?

 

I also hate the fact that part of me feels like I'm waiting for the days to pass to see if he'll reach out. It's hard holding on to that false hope. It does seem like they always come back again, maybe not romantically and sometimes years later...

He broke up during a heated argument in July. His trust issues need their own zip code, lol.

NC after a horrible night Sept.9th. I sent him two texts the following day. One in the morning to ask if we could talk.

No reply. So that night I sent him a text wishing him well,and I hope he finds what he's looking for, and said I was being

sincere(I was, I was very hurt, but I meant it). I left him completely alone. He text me Nov. 25th.

 

I was doing terribly before he reached out. I was hurt, angry, sad, crying, losing sleep, journaling to release my

feelings. I was on the edge of depression honestly. When he reached out, I saw the text, I cried like a baby.

Then I felt immense relief. I wasn't going to reply, but I felt if I didn't, I'd feel worse. It would eat me alive, the

"What if" and the "if only". But that's just me. I now am not angry at all, I'm not crying, I'm sleeping at night.

It's not advisable for everyone, but I know myself, and what is good for me.

 

They do always come back! Unless pride prevents it. Just be careful of the motive.

If he does, and you can handle the fact he may disappear again, it's your choice.

I can handle mine fading off again, he most likely will. But at least I have now the peace of mind

that there is no anger, resentment, nor ill feelings between us, which was killing me prior.

We had a beautiful relationship and the chemistry was amazing at one time. Truly friends.

He was awful to me at the end. The silent treatment hurt like hell.

 

Keep going forward, and when you least expect it, you're going to hear from him.

I hope you do if it's what will heal you, like my situation. But if it won't, I hope you never do!

Hang in there. Each day is a day closer to feeling better

[SweetGirl28]

My therapist said that we don't necessarily have to stop loving someone to move on. It scares me though that I might always have these feelings for him and that I might always feel pain when I think about him.

 

This is true.

And also, just because we love someone, it doesn't mean they are right for us in our lives.

[Everlong13]

Mine rarely come back. Which is maybe for the best but it hurts that I feel so disposable.

I can't seem to marry up my logical feelings and my heartbreak. I know I deserve better and need to move on but I still miss him so much.

[No1]

Ive been thru where you are. You two broke up and there really wasn't a good enough reason. You two rarely fought, you two meshed really well, complimented each other and it was the best relationship you ever had.. right up until it ended.

It almost like reading the best book you ever have read then you turn to the next page and its blank. Is it still be best book you ever read?

I think you still have him on this pedestal. He is the best that you have dated and he is the best youll ever have and you long for the great times and memories.

 

Here is the reality... He didn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. He is not a commitment phobia, he didn't want to be committed to you anymore. That's the reality of what happened. I read your previous posts, you justify it by saying its all about him being scared of being in a committed relationship. BS I say. I need to find myself is the easiest line to use. Its not your fault, its all me, I need to find my place in life, I need to find myself, I need to work on me, I need to focus on what I want, my career, my life and all those are nice excuses to let you down. But in the end, he didn't want to be with you anymore. I'm sorry to tell you that but its true. Its been 4-5 months and he still has not come back saying Okay, Ive figured it all out.

 

Now it is nothing you did wrong, nothing you could of said, nothing you did say or nothing that you could of done for him to stay in. You were not what he wanted. I don't know why, but he just didn't see a future with you. I know you said you two talked about marriage, but Ive done that before and it meant nothing. Just fishing on how you felt about things. So what you do is just admit its over. You could say that you know its over but do you really know that? He left you to find someone else. He didn't leave you at the door saying wait for me so he could go to Tibet and seek the meaning of life, he left you so you could find someone else.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but maybe you just need to hear it from a guy who has been there and who had done exactly what he has done. Before you start questioning if the relationship was real or did he really love you or if meant anything to him.. yes.. it all meant something, you were important and you are still on his mind today. He had and still has a love for you but that doesn't mean he wants to be with you. He will always care for your health and happiness. So what do you do?

 

For one, take him off of the pedestal...He was not perfect, he was perfect at the time, but that's gone now. He had his chance. Get rid of all promises and talks of the future. None of that matters now. Purge him from your physical life. All Text messages, emails, pictures, gifts, social media.. everything..gone.. when you meet someone else, youll make new memories. Don't try to forget. Lots of people try to forget and they fail. How do you forget to do something? You just don't do it. How do you let the emotional strings that are attached to him go away? You live your life and make you happy. Now, I know you have been keeping busy, but you allow him to affect you still. So if/when a memory or a thought comes into your mind. You have 20 seconds to let it flow away from your body. Learn self meditation to do this. Learn to relax, accept, then discard the thought. Don't ask why you are thinking of him, accept the thought is there, then let it go away. Think of something else.

 

In the end you will find someone again. Youll be happy, in love and marry someone. Its going to happen. Make room in your heart for someone else.

[Pto29538]

Hi blueberry .. I have read some of your other posts and part of the reason you may find it do difficult to move on is because you view this relationship as having being so good and it was only his fears and commitment issues that stop you being together . There are commitment phobes out there who when falling deeply get scared and run and that maybe what happened here . This isn’t something he can fix sure a few councelling sessions and will be back next week . This is a fundamental flaw in him so if he did come back you need to run the other way . Also you view this as a perfect relationship only but for his fears . His fears of commitment is worse than if you were rowing every day in terms of how healthy your relationship actually was . So count yourself lucky you got out and remind yourself of this anytume you loook back with rose tinted glasses .

[AlexSays]

I’m in a similar situation except I haven’t been keeping NC as well. It’s been 1 day of NC but I keep checking his social media and finding out he’s heading into a relationship with the ex before me.

 

I’ve been horrible at keeping NC since I check up on him constantly and I’ve made it a habit and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t text him or anything just check his stuff and I hate that. I feel anxious if I don’t... but in doing so I’m further hurting myself.

 

We can get through this. We are taking the necessary steps. I definitely need more discipline and need to stop checking out his stuff. It will take a while (been through heartbreak before but I did not love the guy like this one) and time and space definitely heal.

[Coconut317]

Have you tried going out new dates because it will make you realize there are so many good men out there also. I was like you and missed him for about two month until i started going out to meet new people. Then realize how big the world is and i dont need him to be happy!