My girlfriend and I are complicated, she's planning to break up by the end of December, help

[beauxrestes]

So, this will be long, bear with me. I am lost as to what to do at this point to hopefully get her back, and no, I'm not forcing or going to force her to take me back.

 

 

It all started last Tuesday during Thanksgiving week.

 

We've been together for 2 years, long distance for 6 months. Ever since the start of our long distance, we've had a bit more fights with little habits and failing to make time to visit, but other than that, we've been ok and affectionate and caring, have this whole plan to close the distance and live together and pursue our careers together and have a child. Before that everything was great in the year and a half prior to long distance, a little bit of fights once or twice a month when we were together physically, nothing big though. This is just to establish what our relationship is like.

 

 

So I've had issues with suddenly feeling angry whenever my girlfriend is gone for a certain long amount of time while I make time to text and talk to her, aside from doing work at the same time to busy myself and hanging out with friends. This started when the long distance started. She's been forgiving on this habit, though, because she loves and cares for me and believes we can overcome our issues and won't let it get to our plan and future together, very optimistic and kind, this girl.

 

 

3 weeks prior to our biggest fight last week, I had another fight with her where I suddenly got angry and said some hurtful things to her, making her reconsider being with me, leaving herself in confusion. In that time we were complicated, but after a few days of thinking she reconciled, and I promised her I'd deal with my anger issues and stop bursting out at her at little things. From then on we were smooth and looking forward to reuniting soon and keeping up with our lives lovingly. I've gotten used to the distance at this point, and at this point I've always supported her and guided her with things she needed help with like taxes and finding jobs and getting a license (which she has yet to get). Then, last Tuesday, having the worst day ever (almost crashed a car and work was intense and tiring), I lashed out at her again for not being there and getting or receiving my messages soon when I was feeling exhausted. I later regretted it, but this time she was fighting back. She said she regretted ever planning a future with me, and that I was mental and messed up. I begged for another chance, and surprisingly, she did. Albeit she said if I mess up one more time it was over.

 

 

From then on she wasn't the same or as loving or receptive to my compliments and jokes, she was acting and saying she was tired the entire Thanksgiving week and felt lonely at the family parties and such, her tone changed. And I'd always ask her if it was us until she eventually said that her feelings for me are fading and that she's confused but afraid that if she takes me back it'll be a cycle. Then on Sunday or so it was the last straw for her, and she established and confirmed she doesn't want to continue this with me, but that she'll still stay with me until the end of December to kind of 'prepare' for goodbyes since we've been together for a while. She said it was weird to show affection to me, but that she still cares about me, and that she really wants for us to be best friends. I still kept in contact with her and stopped bringing up the break up decision.

 

 

And this week her wifi and phone service is cut off so we were only able to talk every 2 to 3 days whenever she reached a place with wifi. Other than that she stays in her apartment alone keeping busy and cleaning and such. I've been feeling like crap and not been able to eat normally this week, nor make effort to do homework and work, gave into staying in bed most of my day reading articles on how to get an ex back, grieving over how I was at fault for lashing out again and losing her even though we aren't technically broken up yet. I've never felt worse than now.

 

 

 

Though, the times she texted me this week, she's been rather increasingly loving, saying she misses talking to me and that it's quiet and boring. She has no friends to physically meet, as all her friends she moved away from in Florida where I am now, and she doesn't have a car to drive to get a job or meet other people, which is why she is lonely and bored. We have talked about how we're doing, I've kept the conversation light and positive, hiding the negatives for now. And she's even said she loves me.

 

 

 

And, getting to the present, just yesterday she texted me saying she was at Target so she had some wifi to talk to me. She was much much more affectionate and loving, as she said stuff like I miss you and that it's been boring and sent a lot of hearts and smiles. I decided to open up that I've been going to therapy and counseling to fix and work on my anger issues, though I didn't mention I was doing it to hopefully reconcile. She replied back so very emotionally, saying that it was great I was going to therapy and that I was strong, that she forgave me for hurting her in general, and that, again, she loves me, with lots of hearts. I spent all this week crying and depressed over her while at the same time trying to get myself back up and work towards bettering myself and gaining her trust and love back to continue our relationship. She's also mentioned that she was looking at our old photos and gifts, reminiscing of the silly times we had together, which had me wondering if she was making a step towards reconnecting or really just preparing to say goodbye and break up.

 

 

 

I feel like I'm in the right direction, with even going to clubs and going to therapy and such, but I'm not sure if it'll really change her mind. I know it takes time, and that I can't make her change her mind, she has to choose to, but I'm wondering what should I do next? And if I really am going in the right direction with the way I told her I was going to therapy and her opening up more lovingly to me yesterday.

[Jillstrand23]

ok, I read your entire post and you are all over the place. At this point I have not idea if you and her are broken up or together, which one is it ??????

x

jill

[beauxrestes]

We are not broken up yet, but, she is setting this break up goodbye date to December 31st. Sorry if I was confusing. It does feel as though she did break up with me, and that I'm on this path to eventual hell, but not yet. I still do feel a little that i have a chance at fixing things.

[Jillstrand23]

why is she giving you a date in the future ??? That is so strange to me as if she is holding something over your head. Are you not meeting her expectations? What is the reason for the break up????

[beauxrestes]

No, I think it's because she's still close and emotionally close to me, and wants time to move on while also having some support. I assure you she doesn't mean anything bad or manipulative, but that she is just alone and I've always been the one to support her, but that she is doubting trying to reconnect in fear of a cycle is all. And I have been meeting her expectations and satisfy her sexually and support her as much as she can and even send loving thoughts everyday to show her I appreciate her. The reason we broke up is my recurring anger issues, which I've been working to improve by going to therapy.

[DancingFool]

I'm sorry but I'm also confused on why she is giving you this future date of "this is the day I'll dump you"....I mean....wth?

I honestly think you need to have a frank talk about this and make your own decision on what you want to do. If she really means to end things, then it's already over and there is no earthly reason to drag this out for even one more day. If she is using this threat of a break up to jolt you into addressing your anger issues, then perhaps you two do need to talk about that, the impact this has had on the relationship and the concrete steps you BOTH need to take to reconnect with each other. It's good that you are now going to therapy, but therapy takes time to work. It's not instant. Perhaps she is waiting to see results and see if she can forgive you and trust you again.

 

Why did she move away if she is unemployed, without a car, can't pay her bills, and can't even get a job because she can't get around??? How is this going to work for her? What is going on with her really?

[beauxrestes]

Yes, it does seem immature and unusual, I understand. And I'm planning to address and end this as soon as possible if things don't work out or change. I'll be sure to ask her how this anger issue affected us and whether it's worth letting it get in the way of what we built together, if it's a good idea. And she said she has already forgiven me, which I think is a good sign.

 

 

The reason why she moved away with her dad was to find money for college. She never got her car license in high school, she had a job which she was devoted to but lost it because she never had transportation to have her make it on time for her shift. Her dad supports her financially, as they are a low income family and he is a single dad, and she is still learning and navigating. She is almost 19 by the way. She's planning to enroll in community college soon and study psychology. Right now she lives alone with her dad, and she'll move out and get her own apartment eventually.

[beauxrestes]

I feel like this anger issue is really the only thing that's getting in the way of our relationship, and that it's fixable with time, and that I hope she does allow a bit more time for me to continue growing and fixing our stuff and getting back on track.

[Jillstrand23]

I feel like this anger issue is really the only thing that's getting in the way of our relationship, and that it's fixable with time, and that I hope she does allow a bit more time for me to continue growing and fixing our stuff and getting back on track.

 

She's playing games with you and trying to manipulate you to get something she wants. You are going to have to figure out what she wants that she does not know how to ask for. Maybe a proposal of some sort? dunno... At this point I would just break up with her and move on. No need to wait 30 days. Good luck!

[beauxrestes]

No, she is not playing games nor has she ever. As I've mentioned from years of experience this is her way of moving on and coping and thinking over things. And I don't want to yet move on and let her go, as I've said this is a small issue I've yet to give time to to work it out, and I just seek a better step at this point. And the 30 days wouldnt work because she is still wanting to keep in contact and stay close best friends.

[Capttrae]

If a female told me she was going to break up with me on a certian date I'd go ahead and beat her to the punch, dump her and move on

[MissCanuck]

She sounds very emotionally immature, OP.

 

Just call this a break-up now and face the music. Waiting until a particular date is useless.

 

EDIT: I just noticed that she is only 18. Unfortunately, break-ups are common at this age. People rarely ever meet their life partners at 16 (which is when I gather you two started dating?) She - and you - have a lot of growing and maturing to do before you reach that stage of your lives.

[beauxrestes]

Her and I talked it out, and we're going to end things amicably soon. I've done my grieving and crying and wallowing in depression even though we weren't broken up yet, and I've accepted that we have to be independent and go our separate ways before we can even talk to each other again. I think that, like most long distance relationships, I've grown more controlling over her with the distance and hence my anger issues and tendency to lash out at her, and so I think it's right to break it off with her and maybe come back to it later when I've done some growing and maturing. I now learned that trust and self-control in a distance relationship is absolutely crucial.

 

 

She even stated that the reason she was still staying was to mourn and try and move on with the break up by kind of sharing last little sweet moments together, kind of like using me for emotional support, which idk whether it's good or bad.

 

 

But I think her and I will reconcile someday. She does say she misses the good times we were together, that she will raise a child on her own as a single mom since she feels she won't be able to find anyone else who shares her family raising values (in other words choosing to stay single), is choosing to keep our personal stuff and gifts to reflect back upon, and that she doesn't regret our time being together. Are those good signs..?

[Tomthumb88]

Im kinda confused.. you both agreed to break up but are still together? But.. you want to reconcile?

[kbbcoop77]

Her and I talked it out, and we're going to end things amicably soon. I've done my grieving and crying and wallowing in depression even though we weren't broken up yet, and I've accepted that we have to be independent and go our separate ways before we can even talk to each other again. I think that, like most long distance relationships, I've grown more controlling over her with the distance and hence my anger issues and tendency to lash out at her, and so I think it's right to break it off with her and maybe come back to it later when I've done some growing and maturing. I now learned that trust and self-control in a distance relationship is absolutely crucial.

 

 

She even stated that the reason she was still staying was to mourn and try and move on with the break up by kind of sharing last little sweet moments together, kind of like using me for emotional support, which idk whether it's good or bad.

 

 

But I think her and I will reconcile someday. She does say she misses the good times we were together, that she will raise a child on her own as a single mom since she feels she won't be able to find anyone else who shares her family raising values (in other words choosing to stay single), is choosing to keep our personal stuff and gifts to reflect back upon, and that she doesn't regret our time being together. Are those good signs..?

 

Are they good signs of what? She sounds like she’s a mess. Already planning to have a kid and raise it as a single mom? Is that a good sign? You need to stop contact with her. She has no idea what she wants, she lives at home with her dad and is only 19. How old are you? You’re probably going to have to learn this one the hard way. And what’s the point of a long distance relationship at this young age with no kids involved?? Don’t you want someone there 100% who’s available physically and emotionally?? Dude..cut her off. This ending things soon thing amicably is crazy talk.

[beauxrestes]

She's currently pursuing community college right now, and yes she can be confusing and think a lot. Family is very very important to her, though. And she's planning to have a child when she's 24 or 25 or so, not now.

[kbbcoop77]

Planning a child 7 years into the future when she’s not even sure with who and planning to raise it as a single mom and she’s still living with dad..she’s all over the place. She’s a kid.

[beauxrestes]

Perhaps her mind will change and she'll mature and rethink things over. But as crazy as it sounds, she's not as manipulative or crazy as she sounds, and I respect her decisions and thought processing, however immature it may be. There's more to this relationship that I haven't yet revealed and what she's like personally.

[MissCanuck]

Planning a child 7 years into the future when she’s not even sure with who and planning to raise it as a single mom and she’s still living with dad..she’s all over the place. She’s a kid.

 

Exactly this.

[figureitout23]

Perhaps her mind will change and she'll mature and rethink things over. But as crazy as it sounds, she's not as manipulative or crazy as she sounds, and I respect her decisions and thought processing, however immature it may be. There's more to this relationship that I haven't yet revealed and what she's like personally.

 

Well... reveal it, cause as of right now she sounds like a typical 18 year old who is not emotionally mature enough to be making life decisions so she's everywhere and you're trying to hang on for dear life when you should be working on your own issues.