Left me out of the blue, took her for granted?

[mindblown]

Hi! Been lurking couple of days.

 

We are 25 and we had been together for 2.5 years. We were strangers and had like, love at first sight.

 

Relationship was good, we barely had any fights. For a year everything was PERFECT. Then after reflecting now, after a year I kinda faded a bit. I still showed her love.

Anyway she always wanted to move in together, she asked me alteast every other month and I always postponed it. I postponed it because I felt I wasnt ready to take the step, I was scared, the relationship thing was new for me(And for her). We never moved in, she told me 6 months ago, if I didnt move in she'd probably leave me. And some months ago I said I would, but it never happened, I just didnt do it, even tho I really wanted it this time(stupid me..).

We both still talked about the moving in part, planned how it would look like, what stuff we should buy.

 

Things went on, we saw each other same amount of time, 4-5 times a week, things were great. Even tho in my mind somehow I knew i took her for granted, I wasnt the romantic guy anymore because I was so comfortable in the relationship. Sure she gave me couple of hints that things were not that fine but It always went back to positive. Maybe because she loved me so much. And I her(even tho i didnt show it as much as she did).

 

Anyway, moving forward. Again, everything was great, atleast seemed great, we had fun, we did things(even tho, I was the stay at home and cuddle guy and she the do stuff girl).

Then one day she out of nowhere told me it didnt feel good, it didnt feel right, she lost her feelings and was not so in love anymore. I was chocked. I started to cry, to beg, convince. But no, she wanted a break and think stuff through. I sent couple of texts, saying Im sorry and so on.

Went NC for a week, she called me said she didnt want to be together anymore. She said that it wasnt so much fun anymore, we barely did anything, never traveled which she loved for example. I immediately went to her place(she was ok with that), started to cry and beg, she started to cry. Later the same day after all the crying, we hang out like always before, eatin, cuddling watching movie, I even stayed the night. We both felt it was great, but she still didn't want me.

 

I went home really sad, and did NC for a month, realizing it was over. During maybe 2 weeks, It didnt feel so bad, but then i started to reflect over the whole situation, I started to feel bad, I realized my mistakes, i didnt show appreciation, i wasnt even a bit romantic the whole year. I realized I took her for granted.

So I sent her a text wondering how it was, she said she was doing better but it was still hard(same for me).

Again NC for a week i texted her asked how it was, and maybe if she would be up for a walk, she was fine but thought it was too early to meet again. I was ok with that...

NC for 2 weeks I called her to check up on her, things were fine but felt empty she said, I told her I missed her. Asked if she wanted to meet, but she had other plans and again wondered if it wasnt to early to meet. I said no, it doesnt have to mean anything(even tho i wanted it). She asked if im ok just being friends, if we met, I said of course. We talked for 1-2 hours, it was a nice conversation.

I have initiated all these interactions..

 

To the point:

I just feel I've matured, Im more confident, ive realized my mistakes and I really want this girl. All the times ive been out partying during our relationship and 2 times after the break up, ive never been able to picture me with someone else. I know and ive known always deep inside of me that this is the girl i want. I was just not man enough to show her that.

 

What should I do? I dont think NC is the right thing here because things ended so fast and weird.

 

Sorry for the long messy text.

[Jillstrand23]

Hi! Been lurking couple of days.

 

We are 25 and we had been together for 2.5 years. We were strangers and had like, love at first sight.

 

Relationship was good, we barely had any fights. For a year everything was PERFECT. Then after reflecting now, after a year I kinda faded a bit. I still showed her love.

Anyway she always wanted to move in together, she asked me alteast every other month and I always postponed it. I postponed it because I felt I wasnt ready to take the step, I was scared, the relationship thing was new for me(And for her). We never moved in, she told me 6 months ago, if I didnt move in she'd probably leave me. And some months ago I said I would, but it never happened, I just didnt do it, even tho I really wanted it this time(stupid me..).

We both still talked about the moving in part, planned how it would look like, what stuff we should buy.

 

Things went on, we saw each other same amount of time, 4-5 times a week, things were great. Even tho in my mind somehow I knew i took her for granted, I wasnt the romantic guy anymore because I was so comfortable in the relationship. Sure she gave me couple of hints that things were not that fine but It always went back to positive. Maybe because she loved me so much. And I her(even tho i didnt show it as much as she did).

 

Anyway, moving forward. Again, everything was great, atleast seemed great, we had fun, we did things(even tho, I was the stay at home and cuddle guy and she the do stuff girl).

Then one day she out of nowhere told me it didnt feel good, it didnt feel right, she lost her feelings and was not so in love anymore. I was chocked. I started to cry, to beg, convince. But no, she wanted a break and think stuff through. I sent couple of texts, saying Im sorry and so on.

Went NC for a week, she called me said she didnt want to be together anymore. She said that it wasnt so much fun anymore, we barely did anything, never traveled which she loved for example. I immediately went to her place(she was ok with that), started to cry and beg, she started to cry. Later the same day after all the crying, we hang out like always before, eatin, cuddling watching movie, I even stayed the night. We both felt it was great, but she still didn't want me.

 

I went home really sad, and did NC for a month, realizing it was over. During maybe 2 weeks, It didnt feel so bad, but then i started to reflect over the whole situation, I started to feel bad, I realized my mistakes, i didnt show appreciation, i wasnt even a bit romantic the whole year. I realized I took her for granted.

So I sent her a text wondering how it was, she said she was doing better but it was still hard(same for me).

Again NC for a week i texted her asked how it was, and maybe if she would be up for a walk, she was fine but thought it was too early to meet again. I was ok with that...

NC for 2 weeks I called her to check up on her, things were fine but felt empty she said, I told her I missed her. Asked if she wanted to meet, but she had other plans and again wondered if it wasnt to early to meet. I said no, it doesnt have to mean anything(even tho i wanted it). She asked if im ok just being friends, if we met, I said of course. We talked for 1-2 hours, it was a nice conversation.

I have initiated all these interactions..

 

To the point:

I just feel I've matured, Im more confident, ive realized my mistakes and I really want this girl. All the times ive been out partying during our relationship and 2 times after the break up, ive never been able to picture me with someone else. I know and ive known always deep inside of me that this is the girl i want. I was just not man enough to show her that.

 

What should I do? I dont think NC is the right thing here because things ended so fast and weird.

 

Sorry for the long messy text.

 

She already told you she does not want you. You need to stop /cut all contact and not worry about her anymore. Good luck

[mindblown]

She already told you she does not want you. You need to stop /cut all contact and not worry about her anymore. Good luck

 

Just... Our meeting same day as the breakup bugs me.. why would we still act like that?

And I really want her, I made her feel great and I want to do it again.

Do you think there is no point in fighting for her?

[Hollyj]

You had plenty of time to act, but you didn't. This is not the right girl for you, or you wouldn't of delayed the move.

 

She told you she doesn't feel the same . Respect it, and leave her alone.

 

Learn from this.

[Jillstrand23]

Just... Our meeting same day as the breakup bugs me.. why would we still act like that?

And I really want her, I made her feel great and I want to do it again.

Do you think there is no point in fighting for her?

 

There is no point in fighting for her, its literally over in my eyes. Sorry ...

[mindblown]

You had plenty of time to act, but you didn't. This is not the right girl for you, or you wouldn't of delayed the move.

 

She told you she doesn't feel the same . Respect it, and leave her alone.

 

Learn from this.

I understand What you mean and how you think. But Ive always felt that she is the one. I just didnt show it enough.

Somehow the way she acted towards me in the end tells me its worth fighting for.. but I dont know.

 

If I leave her alone Im afraid she’d think ”ye he changing and loving me is bs”

Maybe Im wrong, probably am.

[ellee]

Hindsight is 20/20. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, and now she's gone. I do feel for you though. What were her reasons for breaking up? Is is purely because you stopped appreciating her or were there other issues? No one wants to feel taken for granted. If there are no compatibility, trust, respect, etc. issues, then maybe there's still a chance. But you need to be clear on that. Ask her the specific reasons for breaking up. This is important because if she knows in her heart that you're not the one, it's over and you just need to move on.

 

If there are no big issues, then you need to decide if you want to fight for her. If you decide to fight, are you sure you can make her happy?...that you two will be happy together? She's probably lost a lot of trust and faith in you. If you think she's worth fighting for, give it some time. Don't smother her but periodically check up on her to let her know you still care. Consistency builds trust, or re-builds it in this case.

 

I don't know if this will work but if you think she's the one, it's worth a shot.

[mindblown]

Hindsight is 20/20. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, and now she's gone. I do feel for you though. What were her reasons for breaking up? Is is purely because you stopped appreciating her or were there other issues? No one wants to feel taken for granted. If there are no compatibility, trust, respect, etc. issues, then maybe there's still a chance. But you need to be clear on that. Ask her the specific reasons for breaking up. This is important because if she knows in her heart that you're not the one, it's over and you just need to move on.

 

If there are no big issues, then you need to decide if you want to fight for her. If you decide to fight, are you sure you can make her happy?...that you two will be happy together? She's probably lost a lot of trust and faith in you. If you think she's worth fighting for, give it some time. Don't smother her but periodically check up on her to let her know you still care. Consistency builds trust, or re-builds it in this case.

 

I don't know if this will work but if you think she's the one, it's worth a shot.

 

Thank you.

Im not 100% Why she broke up.. but My Guess is; My lack of commitment, I became a bit boring. Maybe that made her slowly lose interest, feelings and faith.

 

Just feels likes this happened to fast but maybe i Was just too stupid too see it coming.

I really really believe i can make her happy and give her What she want, we were extremly happy together. I just dont know the right approach.

[shessofly]

she told me 6 months ago, if I didnt move in she'd probably leave me. And some months ago I said I would, but it never happened, I just didnt do it

 

Not to pour salt in the wound but this was not out of the blue. This was your clue that she was detaching. There was a window of time you may have been able to turn this around...and I do mean may. This statement was a serious red flag that she was on her way out the door. But nothing changed. This isn’t all your fault, it takes two. I would suggest not continuing to push for more, or prove yourself to her, and not continually reaching out. Time and space is needed for both of you.

 

The post breakup meet up where everything is grand is very common. Do not give it more meaning than what it was at face value - a pleasant, nostalgic evening with a recent ex.

 

Exercise, time with friends and family, fighting the urge to stalk her on social media are all beneficial to getting over someone. There are lessons to learn with each relationship. You will love again.

[mindblown]

she told me 6 months ago, if I didnt move in she'd probably leave me. And some months ago I said I would, but it never happened, I just didnt do it

 

Not to pour salt in the wound but this was not out of the blue. This was your clue that she was detaching. There was a window of time you may have been able to turn this around...and I do mean may. This statement was a serious red flag that she was on her way out the door. But nothing changed. This isnÂ’t all your fault, it takes two. I would suggest not continuing to push for more, or prove yourself to her, and not continually reaching out. Time and space is needed for both of you.

 

The post breakup meet up where everything is grand is very common. Do not give it more meaning than what it was at face value - a pleasant, nostalgic evening with a recent ex.

 

Exercise, time with friends and family, fighting the urge to stalk her on social media are all beneficial to getting over someone. There are lessons to learn with each relationship. You will love again.

 

Thank you. I understand totally.

And i know I fd up big time not realizing it.

Why Im sayin out of the blue is because things seemed to get better, we traveled, Did things together and both of us seemed happier.

 

I just want to fight for her, make things right.

[catfeeder]

We talked for 1-2 hours, it was a nice conversation.

 

What did you talk about? Did you tell her the things you've told us here? If so, what was her response?

 

Just... Our meeting same day as the breakup bugs me.. why would we still act like that?

 

Habit.

 

And I really want her, I made her feel great and I want to do it again.

Do you think there is no point in fighting for her?

 

Who would you 'fight,' her?

 

Fighting is antithetical to reconciling. It's an attempt to discredit the woman's ability to know her own mind and decide for herself what she wants, which will only P her off and push her to dig in her heels against you. I'd skip that.

 

The best you can do is tell her the things you've told us that you've learned about your own behavior, and let her marinate with that information without pressure. If you've already told her these things, then don't do it again. Any decisions she may make in your favor need to come from her--and without any pressure from you. Otherwise, neither of you will be able to trust that she's with you voluntarily rather than from caving to pressure.

 

Pressure caving backfires, because you'll both know that it's only a matter of time before she caves back the other way. So skip that. Trust that if the two of you were really a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday--but you'll each need to climb to that place in your own time and your own way.

 

I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this. Instead of focusing on convincing ex of anything, I'd focus instead on reaching my own higher ground. You'll gain a new perspective from that place, so it's your percentage play: you'll either grow into someone who can better handle a brand new relationship with this woman rather than shooting for a setback to the place you both left, or you'll grow into someone who has healed from the breakup and can handle a new relationship with someone new someday.

 

Either way, it's a win.

 

Head high.

[mindblown]

What did you talk about? Did you tell her the things you've told us here?

 

Thank you for your amazing reply..

 

I havent told her that after the 1month NC.

I only told her that the day she broke up in the ”beggingstyle” which i know now wasnt going to work.

 

In the phonecall we talked about everything except the relationship, i just wanted her to feel good and laugh.

 

How should I do know? If i really want to meet her i know she wouls say yes even if she thought it Was a bad idea.

 

I just know that if I made the right decisions from the start, i wouldnt sit here today. Im pretty sure.

[mindblown]

Sorry for bumpin my own thread.

 

I just feel like trying to meet her next week , chill out and tell her straight out how I feel and how I've actually learned from my mistakes(Believe it or not, I've actually realized big time the wrongs ive done). Not to put pressure but just so she knows what I think. It feels like a good thing to do regardless of what happens..

 

What are your thoughts?

[catfeeder]

Sorry for bumpin my own thread.

 

I just feel like trying to meet her next week , chill out and tell her straight out how I feel and how I've actually learned from my mistakes(Believe it or not, I've actually realized big time the wrongs ive done). Not to put pressure but just so she knows what I think. It feels like a good thing to do regardless of what happens..

 

What are your thoughts?

 

 

When is the last time you met with her?

[mindblown]

When is the last time you met with her?

 

The day she broke up with me(1month ago).. I just feel like calling her and telling her how I feel without any pressure. Just to get my thoughts out..

I believe somehow she has feelings for me deep inside and that she just lost all her trust and faith in me, and want her feelings to dissapear totally because she thinks I'm going to be the same..

I'm certain ive changed and that im able to change more, to become who I was.

[catfeeder]

The day she broke up with me(1month ago).. I just feel like calling her and telling her how I feel without any pressure. Just to get my thoughts out..

I believe somehow she has feelings for me deep inside and that she just lost all her trust and faith in me, and want her feelings to dissapear totally because she thinks I'm going to be the same..

I'm certain ive changed and that im able to change more, to become who I was.

 

So the discussion you last had with her was over the phone?

 

That was kinda time wasted talking 'around' what you really wanted to tell her. I wouldn't schedule some big meeting to tell her this stuff--that's too pressure filled and dramatic.

 

If you want to let her know about your changed perspective and that your door is open if she ever wants to meet up with you again, you can do that by message or phone call, but I wouldn't make it into a sales pitch or try to 'convince' her of anything. I'd leave it alone after that and let her consider it in her own time. If you push, her defenses will go up, and they may never come down. I'd just wish her the best regardless of where she stands and then dive off of her radar--for good. If she ever changes her mind, she'll have no trouble letting you know that. If not, then you'll be on your way toward healing rather than hovering.

[mindblown]

So the discussion you last had with her was over the phone?

 

That was kinda time wasted talking 'around' what you really wanted to tell her. I wouldn't schedule some big meeting to tell her this stuff--that's too pressure filled and dramatic.

 

If you want to let her know about your changed perspective and that your door is open if she ever wants to meet up with you again, you can do that by message or phone call, but I wouldn't make it into a sales pitch or try to 'convince' her of anything. I'd leave it alone after that and let her consider it in her own time. If you push, her defenses will go up, and they may never come down. I'd just wish her the best regardless of where she stands and then dive off of her radar--for good. If she ever changes her mind, she'll have no trouble letting you know that. If not, then you'll be on your way toward healing rather than hovering.

 

And that is What i Did now. I told her how ive changed and realized My mistakes. But she seemed pretty pissed that I didnt realize it earlier. Pretty sure she felt pressured but that Was not My intention.

Anyway, told me to move on and i Will have to respect that even tho i want her back more than anything.

Hopefully we Will find eachother in the future. I Guess everything happens for a reason.

[dave4443]

Your story is very similar to mine about the moving in and always agreeing but postponing it. I wanted her back for a while as well tried everything.

Now I've had time alone for a while and thought about it without rose tinted glasses, if I truly loved her as much as I thought I did when we broke up I would have just moved in, you'll probably get to that stage too.

 

You'll feel bad for a while with how you acted, I did as well but think of it like this is her choice and at least she can be happy now you've not done anything wrong anymore, just wasn't right for you and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

One day you'll meet someone you really do want to live with and you'll thank God that she broke up with you haha

[mindblown]

Your story is very similar to mine about the moving in and always agreeing but postponing it. I wanted her back for a while as well tried everything.

Now I've had time alone for a while and thought about it without rose tinted glasses, if I truly loved her as much as I thought I did when we broke up I would have just moved in, you'll probably get to that stage too.

 

You'll feel bad for a while with how you acted, I did as well but think of it like this is her choice and at least she can be happy now you've not done anything wrong anymore, just wasn't right for you and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

One day you'll meet someone you really do want to live with and you'll thank God that she broke up with you haha

 

Ye I Hope it is like that because right now I feel like . And its feels worse everyday, but i guess we’re ridin a wave.

Right now i really feel she is the one. But like someone Said before, you learn and i Guess i know now how to treat My next relationship.

 

How long Did it take for you?

[mindblown]

I know I hurt her really bad by for exempel not moving in or just being there for her all the time she wanted me to be there.

It seems like shes already out searching for New Guys, while i cant stop thinkin bout her even tho Im partying to do that..

What does that even mean?

i just feel so freakin bad, Feel like i cant let go no matter What i do..

[SethSLC]

Hi! Been lurking couple of days.

 

We are 25 and we had been together for 2.5 years. We were strangers and had like, love at first sight.

 

Relationship was good, we barely had any fights. For a year everything was PERFECT. Then after reflecting now, after a year I kinda faded a bit. I still showed her love.

Anyway she always wanted to move in together, she asked me alteast every other month and I always postponed it. I postponed it because I felt I wasnt ready to take the step, I was scared, the relationship thing was new for me(And for her). We never moved in, she told me 6 months ago, if I didnt move in she'd probably leave me. And some months ago I said I would, but it never happened, I just didnt do it, even tho I really wanted it this time(stupid me..).

We both still talked about the moving in part, planned how it would look like, what stuff we should buy.

 

Things went on, we saw each other same amount of time, 4-5 times a week, things were great. Even tho in my mind somehow I knew i took her for granted, I wasnt the romantic guy anymore because I was so comfortable in the relationship. Sure she gave me couple of hints that things were not that fine but It always went back to positive. Maybe because she loved me so much. And I her(even tho i didnt show it as much as she did).

 

Anyway, moving forward. Again, everything was great, atleast seemed great, we had fun, we did things(even tho, I was the stay at home and cuddle guy and she the do stuff girl).

Then one day she out of nowhere told me it didnt feel good, it didnt feel right, she lost her feelings and was not so in love anymore. I was chocked. I started to cry, to beg, convince. But no, she wanted a break and think stuff through. I sent couple of texts, saying Im sorry and so on.

Went NC for a week, she called me said she didnt want to be together anymore. She said that it wasnt so much fun anymore, we barely did anything, never traveled which she loved for example. I immediately went to her place(she was ok with that), started to cry and beg, she started to cry. Later the same day after all the crying, we hang out like always before, eatin, cuddling watching movie, I even stayed the night. We both felt it was great, but she still didn't want me.

 

I went home really sad, and did NC for a month, realizing it was over. During maybe 2 weeks, It didnt feel so bad, but then i started to reflect over the whole situation, I started to feel bad, I realized my mistakes, i didnt show appreciation, i wasnt even a bit romantic the whole year. I realized I took her for granted.

So I sent her a text wondering how it was, she said she was doing better but it was still hard(same for me).

Again NC for a week i texted her asked how it was, and maybe if she would be up for a walk, she was fine but thought it was too early to meet again. I was ok with that...

NC for 2 weeks I called her to check up on her, things were fine but felt empty she said, I told her I missed her. Asked if she wanted to meet, but she had other plans and again wondered if it wasnt to early to meet. I said no, it doesnt have to mean anything(even tho i wanted it). She asked if im ok just being friends, if we met, I said of course. We talked for 1-2 hours, it was a nice conversation.

I have initiated all these interactions..

 

To the point:

I just feel I've matured, Im more confident, ive realized my mistakes and I really want this girl. All the times ive been out partying during our relationship and 2 times after the break up, ive never been able to picture me with someone else. I know and ive known always deep inside of me that this is the girl i want. I was just not man enough to show her that.

 

What should I do? I dont think NC is the right thing here because things ended so fast and weird.

 

Sorry for the long messy text.

 

You have the same issue most people have. You listen but you don't really "hear" what she's saying. She told you her needs during the relationship and you failed to fulfill them for months. This wasn't out of the blue. Then you listen to her tell you she wants to be only friends at this meet up and you aren't hearing her. You are telling her what you think she wants to hear in order to fulfill your needs. The need of getting her back. With that line of "(even tho i wanted it)".

 

You have to start hearing what she is actually telling you and try and meet those needs if you are going to continue interacting with her though it seems clear that she isn't interested at this time. I think it is fine to reflect on all the ways you feel you could have been better, work to change them, and then if you choose let her know you're sorry for them. But leave it at that and walk away for now after that IMO.