Advice on an unexpected break up

[Cat230311]

Hey all some advice would be really appreciated. After a traumatic few years and dating some idiots, I met a wonderful guy online. At first I was a little on the fence about and was wary due to past experiences. However he soon won me over and asked to be exclusive after a week. He was so affectionate, gentlemanly, romantic, open and I couldn't believe my luck. We had uncanny similarities and life experiences. We could talk about everything for hours and all was rosy. Went on lots of day trips, weekends away and city breaks and spent every spare minute we had together.

 

However underneath it all despite my new found happiness, because of past traumas I was drinking quite a bit to cope. I am a light weight with alcohol so got tipsy pretty easily. I wasn't drinking a lot around him but home alone I would and he would pick up on it by my voice whilst we were on the phone. After a while he said it bothered him, that he was scarred from a previous relationship with an ex who was physically abusive with alcohol. I made a massive effort to stop, I wouldn't have considered myself to have had a problem but anything over 2 drinks was an issue to him. It's important to state that after a while I realised he was an occasional coke user, I had dabbled in it years previously but started doing it more regularly because of him. He had no problem with this, in fact whilst on it I could drink as much as I wanted as he didn't mind as long as he was having fun.

 

After 3 amazing, intense months we said we loved each other. There were a few ups and downs but nothing major. I realised he couldn't handle drama of any kind. The slightest tiff and he would run off, turn off his phone until he cooled off. We had booked and paid for a holiday at that point but after another row, I felt him pulling away. He told me if we hadn't had our vacation coming up, we'd be finished, I thought he said it in anger and didn't mean it however he wasn't as affectionate or as loving as before. Texts weren't as frequent but I put it down to us both being secure enough in our feelings and not needing constant validation.

 

So we go away, beautiful place and hotel. We did everything he wanted to do during the day but he didn't want to do anything in the evening at all. He kept saying he was tired and wanted an early night. He was affectionate but not so. I was so frustrated, I thought we'd get dressed up for dinner and afterwards enjoy the entertainment at the hotel. After a few nights of this I got angry and went off to the bar on my own and had a few drinks whilst on my phone as I knew nobody to talk to. At that stage I was becoming very insecure and needy. He was so distant to me and it seemed everything I did irritated him. He didn't want to take 1 photo of us together, but was taking loads of selfies. Before he would always take loads of photos of the two of us. Anyway after a few drinks I get the courage to tell him wlhiw I was feeling. He dismissed me and said I was drunk, a mess etc and he couldn't handle drama. The rest of the holiday limped along.

 

On the way home he warmed again, holding my hand on the flight, stroking my hair and referring to another upcoming trip we had planned. Next day I texted him, thanking him for the good times away and apologised for some of my behaviour. I said I could understand if he was angry at me and if he needed space. In reply, he dumped me, telling me we were too broken to fix. I was devasted and went into NC for a week. I couldn't understand how suddenly this happened. I mean if I hadn't sent that text would he have stayed or did I give him an opening to dump me by sending it?

 

A week later I texted, saying I hoped some time had given us both perspective and asking if we could meet. He replied within minutes saying of course we could. We met days later, talked and fell back into each other's arms. I told him I was quitting booze for good as it was so important that I do that to him. Next night we did coke, no booze, spent hours and hours talking and apologising to each other for what went wrong. We both agreed to work on our relationship and he told me he was so happy we made up. He was so affectionate and loving but on hindsight we were both on drugs so it was probably a false affection.

 

After that he didn't text for a few days which was unusual as we texted each other loads. He eventually did and we met again. Things were strained and awkward and I over compensated. He stayed over, had breakfast next morning and left. No word from him in 24 hours, I eventually texted him and another 24 hours before he replied telling me sorry, he tried, wasn't happy and the feelings just weren't there anymore. , he didn't try at All, it was me promising to change, apologising, cooking dinner/breakfast, being romantic and all he did was accept it. Anyway in NC for almost a month. Still heartbroken, kicking myself for sending that text after the holiday. Maybe we'd still be together if I hadn't. I saw as well he went back online dating a few days after our last contact. Was I so replaceable, so forgettable? My heart is broken. I know he cannot handle drama but in every relationship there will be ups and downs. I know if he gave us a proper chance we could get over that blip we had. I guess I'm asking should I reach out for the third time after NC or will it make me look pathetic and needy? This guy is not an , he's a fantastic guy who I guess decided to leave me for whatever reasons. Apart from our ups and downs I think I was an amazing girlfriend in other respects, he kept telling me that but obviously my insecurities and the dramas that ensued scared him away. Help please.

[deedee911]

Hello, do you want my honest opinion? I think you both aren't good for each other. Two broken people make a mess (we are all broken in some fashion) but the drinking and coke is a sign of a deep rooted issue which will cause problems for you and him. I think you should be apart, get some healing and stop with the drinking and coke. They are both terrible addictions. My dad was an alcoholic growing up and it severely ruined me in so many ways so it isn't a joke it is seriously a problem. Consider this your wake up call. Please get the professional help you need. Once you've gotten over this you'll meet someone waaay better that will be healthier for you. Best wishes!

[MissCanuck]

This relationship was quite dysfunctional. You two rushed too fast and too deep, without really taking time to get to know one another. All of this in just a few months is a sign of big problems, both within you and between you. That was no blip - it was an indication of a much deeper incompatibility. For clarity, how long were you together in total, and how old are the both of you?

 

Add to that the issues with substances, and I don't know what other outcome could have been possible. So no, I highly doubt you'd be together now even if you hadn't sent that one particular text message to him. He was on his way out before that, as evidenced by his dwindling communication and lessening enthusiasm in general. He is not an angel either if he discourages your drinking but has no problem snorting coke together. I completely understand him not wanting a girlfriend with a drinking problem, but to then turn around and do cocaine together makes zero sense.

 

I would not try to revive this. It was faltering and it's not all your fault, and he's not good for you.