Moving from casual dating to the next level

[idontgetit13]

I was in a very unhealthy relationship for two years that ended in January 2016. In April, I started looking for a rebound and met “Mark” (I was 21, he was 26). We grabbed drinks the first night and I didn’t let him in when he dropped me off at home. A couple weeks later, I had tickets to a sports game so we went on somewhat of a proper date, then went to my place and actually hooked up. However, he left almost right after we were done. Over the next few weeks we went out a few more times, he spent the night at my place, I spent the night at his, and I started to become more interested/invested than he did, and I realized I was texting first a lot more than he was. After I spent the night at his place one night, I decided not to text him until he texted me first. He never texted, so that was the end of it. Or so I thought.

 

Jump forward to June 2017. I have moved to a new state, we both have real careers, I am over that bad relationship and dating for the right reasons again. I am also in a much better space mentally. He randomly starts sending me pics on Snapchat (non-sexual, just things in his life). I would respond, and that would be it. This went on about every other week, and slowly conversations started happening when he would send me these snaps, or he would comment on something in my story. He asked when I would be back in the state he still lives in, and I told him I’d be visiting thanksgiving week. We decided we would grab coffee or something and he’d let me know what would work for him. So Wednesday evening, he asks if I have any plans for the night, I say no and he suggests getting drinks. I ended up going straight to his place for drinks, but we sat and talked for about 2-3 hours before he even made a move. I was planning on leaving right after the hook up was done so he knew I wasn’t that clingy person I had been when we first met. But, I felt so safe and comfortable as we cuddled afterward that I didn’t want to leave, and he said I should stay, so I did.

 

In the morning, I tried to sneak out while he was still asleep, but I only got halfway dressed before he asked what I was doing and pulled me back into bed. We did it one more time, then while cuddling I complained that I didn’t want to get up yet, so he said don’t. I ended up being there for over 12 hours, and our conversations were fun, but also deep and we got to know each other even better. As I left in the morning, he said see you in a few months with a bit of a laugh. I laughed a little awkwardly because I didn’t know what to say.

 

Here’s the problem: we get along very well, have similar opinions on many things, including marriage and kids (neither of us are into the idea of either), but I’m not really into this being a casual thing where we just hook up whenever I’m home. I’m trying to get away from casual sex, and even though I don’t believe in marriage, I wholeheartedly believe in relationships. I travel full time for work, which actually makes it very easy to have a long distance relationship, since I can fly to another city for the weekend as often as I want for free.

 

Do I force a conversation to happen? Wait for it to happen naturally? Start trying to talk to him more than every other week? I don’t want to push things too fast, but I also want him to know what I’m looking for and that a hookup once every few months isn’t gonna fly.

[figureitout23]

So you stopped messaging him and communication just completely stopped for 6+ months? He never said anything?

 

I think it was good for you to walk away because he wasn't valuing you but I hate to say while you originally showed him your worth and boundaries you immediately showed him the exact opposite by jumping at his beck and call and sleeping with him again.

 

You were going to leave right after you slept with him NSA because you didn't want to appear clingy, but you already set the stage. You say you aren't into casual sex but you keep doing it, showing him all he has to do to get some is flirt a little. I'd be more concerned about that personally.

 

Like heartgoeson says ' you can't put the toothpaste back into the tube.'

 

You can try to have a conversation with him, who knows where his head is at, you may succeed, I just don't think your chances are that great because your actions don't match. Also be mindful of your relationship history, since you were in an abusive relationship the chances of you falling back into that pattern with another man is very easy. Being treated badly becomes familiar to you so you're attracted it.

 

Sometimes it's best to take a break and kind of work on yourself after those types of relationships.

[ThatwasThen]

He's not interested in anything other then sex and a cuddle. You're prime for that because he doesn't have to nurture any type of relationship with you when you live far away.

 

Surely you know this though.

[Pleasedonot5]

Tell him what you're looking for and then back up what you say with your actions.

 

I.e., if you want a relationship with him, don't settle for less.

[idontgetit13]

Sometimes it's best to take a break and kind of work on yourself after those types of relationships.

 

You make some very good points I hadn’t considered. My behavior since he reached back out to me hasn’t really been that of someone who knows they deserve better treatment than that.

 

After failing at the whole rebound thing with this guy, I did take a step back and work on myself for about a year before I started trying to date again. Once I started dating for real again (about July of this year), I did immediately end up going on a few dates with a guy that was very similar to my ex but I broke it off very quickly as I could already see things turning into something unhealthy again.

 

I think the reason I gave this guy another chance after ghosting me last year is because I know that I was not in a good place when all of that went down. We have both matured quite a bit since that happened, although we definitely haven’t addressed what happened the first time around. I am now thinking maybe it would be best to address that, and make sure he knows why I’m giving him a second chance?

 

The good thing IMO is that we’re not super close friends or anything, we don’t even live in the same state right now, so if he says he’s not into it, then it simply doesn’t go any further. I guess I think that the potential rewards outweigh the risks of bringing these things up the next time we talk.

[idontgetit13]

He's not interested in anything other then sex and a cuddle. You're prime for that because he doesn't have to nurture any type of relationship with you when you live far away.

 

Surely you know this though.

 

That’s very true, and I do know this. I definitely noticed that he didn’t reach out to me again until after I moved out of the state. I will say that he has mentioned he’s jealous that I got out of the state we are both originally from, and recently he has been asking about my new state more and more: pros and cons, what the best areas are, cost of living, cost of moving there, etc. So that’s a little weird to me, and kind of counterintuitive since everything else pointed to him wanting me as a simple hookup buddy.

[idontgetit13]

Tell him what you're looking for and then back up what you say with your actions.

 

I.e., if you want a relationship with him, don't settle for less.

 

Thanks, that’s some great simple advice.

[ThatwasThen]

That’s very true, and I do know this. I definitely noticed that he didn’t reach out to me again until after I moved out of the state. I will say that he has mentioned he’s jealous that I got out of the state we are both originally from, and recently he has been asking about my new state more and more: pros and cons, what the best areas are, cost of living, cost of moving there, etc. So that’s a little weird to me, and kind of counterintuitive since everything else pointed to him wanting me as a simple hookup buddy.

I'd just fade on him and if he initiates then respond. Just remember... If you don't want to be booty, then don't be booty. If he wants to hook up gain then you can tell him YOUR dating goals and see if he's willing to help you reach them by being more then your FB.

[figureitout23]

I think the reason I gave this guy another chance after ghosting me last year is because I know that I was not in a good place when all of that went down. We have both matured quite a bit since that happened, although we definitely haven’t addressed what happened the first time around. I am now thinking maybe it would be best to address that, and make sure he knows why I’m giving him a second chance?

 

The good thing IMO is that we’re not super close friends or anything, we don’t even live in the same state right now, so if he says he’s not into it, then it simply doesn’t go any further. I guess I think that the potential rewards outweigh the risks of bringing these things up the next time we talk.

 

ETA - Re the bold. Did he ghost you or did you ghost him? Because in your original post you made it seem like you were the one who walked away.

 

 

Re - the bold, you don't know that. You're probably telling yourself that but you don't know all that much about this guy. And be honest with yourself, how much have you matured if you're still leading with sex?

 

You SHOULD address it but not because you need to make sure he knows why he's being given a second chance. Odds are he doesn't view things that way because you were never his girlfriend. He probably views it as ' got her to give it up again, and she travelled to do it!'

 

Second chances, to me at least, mean a solution was reached and you two decided to try again. To put it extremely bluntly, you didn't give him a second chance, you got weak and opened up shop again.

 

I completely agree, the reward does indeed outweigh the risk because if he's only interested in sex it isn't worth wasting your time.

 

Good Luck with telling him, stay strong this time and hold onto your boundaries no matter what.

[idontgetit13]

Yeah, I guess second chance wasn’t really the right way to put it. Really, we kind of both ghosted each other. I stopped reaching out to him, and he didn’t reach out for several months. I can’t really put all the blame on him for that.

 

You’re right though, I’ve been sending all the wrong messages with what has happened since he reached back out to me. Thanks for the help.