Could use some sound advice

[my3lans]

I met my current boyfriend when we were kids. We grew up together but were never really attracted to each other. He went on, married and had kids and I did the same. We reconnected on social media. He has been divorced 9 years and I have been divorced 6 years. I've dated quite extensively but him, not so much. This is the first serious relationship for the both of us and it's only been 2 months.

 

The problem is, HE is the one that started out seriously. I hesitated a little bit (with my heart) because I knew what slime is out there--hell, I've dated most of it. But he did and said all the right things and I fell. Hard.

 

Now that everything has been going great for awhile, his ex has decided that after 9 years, she wants him back. He's always said he never loved her to begin with, they only got married because of a child, blah blah blah. But there's been a shift in things since she told him a few days ago. We haven't talked much and I just can feel that something is off.

 

I can't imagine him wanting her back. She cheated on him and even her on kids don't like her. He's constantly told me how much better I am than she was to him and how lucky he is that we finally found each other, etc.

 

But I feel like...I don't know what I feel like.

 

Thoughts?

[Jillstrand23]

When you reconnect with someone from the past, you always fail to look at all of the failures and negative qualities they have because you only knew him in your wonder years. YOU have no idea what kind of man he really is. I would strongly suggest that you break it off with him and do not get involved with someone from the past.

 

I dated someone from high school 20 years later. I looked up their background info and they had about 20 tickets for anything from stalking, speeding tickets, domestic violence, you name it. I completely cut off all communication with him and blocked him, it was a disaster.

[abitbroken]

I think the best thing to do is to 1) stop believing all men are slime. it could be that you are interpreting his actions because this is your belief 2) You can't control what she does or thinks. Maybe the pickings are slim for her and she thought she would try again. 3) Maybe he feels "off" because he is aggravated/upset about her contact and not considering going back like you think. Whenever my ex would contact me, i would have a few off days -- either just the memories of the abuse flooding back, or "just when i was happy - its like he somehow knows and has to dump on my parade"

 

I would not read into things too much - be your regular self and if he brings it up - don't get defensive. say "it must be a surprise for you about your ex and probably really threw you for a loop " and see what he says. or however you would say that in the phrases you use. But honestly, i'd give him a little time to process things.

 

you have only been dating 8 weeks - even though you knew him a long time. Keep that in mind.

 

A man always ragging about his ex is not a good sign, though -- if you observe that the kids don't like her that's one thing.

[LadyAbbey31]

When you reconnect with someone from the past, you always fail to look at all of the failures and negative qualities they have because you only knew him in your wonder years. YOU have no idea what kind of man he really is. I would strongly suggest that you break it off with him and do not get involved with someone from the past.

 

I dated someone from high school 20 years later. I looked up their background info and they had about 20 tickets for anything from stalking, speeding tickets, domestic violence, you name it. I completely cut off all communication with him and blocked him, it was a disaster.

 

I respectfully, completely disagree. I don't understand cautioning someone against dating someone they knew as a child, or encouraging them to break up with this person just because you had a bad experience.

 

Anyway, I agree that he needs space. He seems to be asking for it in his own non-direct way.

 

I had an ex-fling (though I understand that is far from an ex-spouse) come out of the woodwork every once in a while, and it would distract me from the relationship I was in for a few days. Just stirred up stale & unpleasant memories.

 

If you care about the relationship, which it seems you do, wait a little while for him to come around. At two months it's not a serious relationship yet, but maybe on the cusp of being one. Hopefully you'll update on what happens

[figureitout23]

I respectfully, completely disagree. I don't understand cautioning someone against dating someone they knew as a child, or encouraging them to break up with this person just because you had a bad experience.

 

Anyway, I agree that he needs space. He seems to be asking for it in his own non-direct way.

 

 

I agree it does seem he needs some space. Good thing or bad thing, hard to say.

 

I will say PLEASE don't look at a mans negative words towards and ex to automatically mean he doesn't want her back. I can't tell you the amount of male friends I've had who would trash an ex to hell and are right back with them 6 minutes later.

 

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference, if a dude keeps bringing up an ex, even negatively, it's actually a bad sign, at least in my expierience.

[my3lans]

Jill, we have a lot of mutual friends so trust me he was thoroughly checked out. Everyone said he is as close to perfect as they come except for one thing--he lets his job get in the way of a lot and does not know how to prioritize.

[my3lans]

When you reconnect with someone from the past, you always fail to look at all of the failures and negative qualities they have because you only knew him in your wonder years. YOU have no idea what kind of man he really is. I would strongly suggest that you break it off with him and do not get involved with someone from the past.

 

I dated someone from high school 20 years later. I looked up their background info and they had about 20 tickets for anything from stalking, speeding tickets, domestic violence, you name it. I completely cut off all communication with him and blocked him, it was a disaster.

 

Jill, we have a lot of mutual friends so trust me he was thoroughly checked out. Everyone said he is as close to perfect as they come except for one thing--he lets his job get in the way of a lot and does not know how to prioritize.

[my3lans]

UPDATE:

 

So to give a little more detail, he came into the relationship full speed, guns blazing--he just knew after all these years we were meant to be and that he'd always carried a torch for me blah blah blah. He was so happy we reconnected and wished it hadn't taken so long for us to find each other. He was beyond ecstatic that I made sacrifices to treat his kids well (who are grown by the way). He wanted us to find a place together when my lease is up in a few more months, etc. He wanted our kids to meet and kept referring to his kids as my stepkids and my kids as his stepkids. Everything was absolutely perfect.

 

Then that drama with the ex. Then Monday-Wednesday he had to go work a job in a high security clearance area and we exchanged calls and texts but not as much. Everything was fine until Wednesday morning. I had made a few Christmas crafts and put his kids' names on them (I did this for Halloween, too, with no issues). I posted a picture of it on facebook. Someone made a remark about when we would be getting married. We had discussed that and agreed we were in NO HURRY for that. But being it was not this person's business, I just kind of blew it off with a comment like "only for us to know right now". Well some members of his family saw the comment and started blowing up his phone about us getting married. So he said we probably should dial back the things we put on facebook (and mind you, HE was more about all that than me). I said no problem, I had been thinking the same thing because that's the only way the ex found out about our relaitonship in the first place.

 

Anyway, I talked to him Thanksgiving morning after we already cancelled our plans to go out of town together because once again--he ended up having to work on Friday. Things come up with his job and we have to cancel plans a lot. He knows I don't like this but it's only been two months and I told him I would learn to get used to it to give me time. It does aggrivate my anxiety but I try. I don't pitch a fit or anything like that.

 

So Thursday morning, he tells me that he feels terrible that whenever he has to cancel plans I'm disappointed and he loves me too much to keep putting me through all that anxiety. But that we would take about it later after he picked his son up from the airport. I'd already figured out we wouldn't be seeing each other that day and tried to act like it didn't bother me. I told him to just enjoy his kids for the weekend. But when he started all that about my anxiety, which I have but I handle very well, it pissed me off. I felt like it was a bull excuse for something else.

 

So I sent him a long letter and told him that I would just let him go for now and that if he decided he wanted to be with me, he knew where I was and what to do. I didn't hear from him the rest of the weekend.

 

My friends told me to call him on Sunday and tell him I deserved better answers. So I did. He texted and said he couldn't talk because he was driving his daughter back to college but he did send me a long text that basically said he promised he would always love me. But right now his mind was all over the place emotionally with work and family and that I deserve better than what he can give. He's thought about us all weekend and he wouldve done exactly what I did--tell him to go to hell (which I did not say lol). He said that it's obvious he's not ready for a relationship because he's not holding up his end, whether he can't or won't he can't determine the difference right now. He said maybe he just needs some time and that's why he's sorry for wasting my time due to his inability to sustain a relationship based on his personal situation. But that right now he has to figure all of this out and he still doesn't have an answer but the last thing he wants is for me to be hurt.

 

I told him that nothing about our time together was a waste. He made me very happy and had been absolutely perfect up until this past week and I just don't understand what happened. I told him that I was okay with slowing things down--keep things off social media, no discussion of moving in etc. I won't be his "friend with benefits" but I'm happy to see him whenever we can get together. I've never made any demands on him. I would rather have 100% of his attention 20% of the time than nothing at all. I know we could work out all the other. But if he wants his ex back well, then, i can't help him with that and to go do what makes him happy. He said he promises that is NOT the issue and that I didn't do anything wrong. But that he's all of a sudden realized he's been alone for 9 years and is looking at making big changes that he's not sure he's completely comfortable with.

 

like ???? It was all his idea! I just don't understand WHAT happened.

 

Based on the things he said, I'm pretty sure it's over. I'm praying that's not the case. That we can just slow it down and still see each other until we figure things out. But I'm not really optimistic. I feel like an idiot for opening my heart up like that. I was perfectly content with my life before and I KNOW I'll get over it. But right now, it's all so raw. I'm having a hard time functioning or thinking about anything else--just like everyone else going through a bad breakup I guess.

 

I just wish I could read his mind and know what he truly thinks and feels so I would know which way to steer my heart.

 

Thanks for listening.