update to - I need advice with my enagement, what should I do?

[Futurehope00]

Hi guys, yesterday 17/11/17 i posted, please read first one to understand this one. After that post, check this one and let me know on my update. thank you

 

I forgot to add 2 things, on saturday our last time on the phone, we argued hard and she reminded me yesterday, we seperated for now. and wednesday she added pictures of our engagement party to our album on Facebook. It's private so we can post everything good and bad pics. But we tagged each other to see.

 

Yesterday I went to friends house and past hers as her nan lives near. I called her and asked to talk, I was outside. She could have not picked up, or even not seen me. But she sounded upset and asked me to come up.

She was upset and angry. And she apologies for everything. She told me she feels I'm trying at the wrong time and she felt she lost herself towards the end due to pressure the coming from the engagement from her family etc and felt i wasnt supportive enough ( i did not disagree). She wants time to find herself and also wants me to do the same as she feels I lost my way from who I was at the start. We decided to seperated and will see how we feel in the the upcoming days. She said it can take a week, two or who knows. But she cant talk, or even want to be touched by anyone.

 

I told her i dont want to give up and i want to try, maybe like from step one like dating or getting to know each other. She said she didnt want to date now, just be herself, and i said what if we talk just see how that goes, get to know one another. she said its ok we still talk.

And When I was about to leave she asked me to stay for dinner.

After 3 hours I left, during that time her friend came and everyone sat down and felt kinda normal, some tension between me and her, but she felt good i was there (she said), well her nan wants me to come dinner next week and she (fiance) didn't impose, she said i let you know day im free so we all go out to eat or something.

She didn't want me to hug her as she felt angry and loads of emotions towards our bye at the door. but I did. And we cried. She admitted she loves me and misses me.

Her friend came and told me to "give her time I know her. She will come back. As we grew up with her and knows her character and the whole situation."

 

I asked her (fiance)what do you want to do in sence of items left at our home. She said live them for now, she still had her new shoes and trainers and new coats. So i felt she might even might come home when she said that.

she did not give me the keys back or anything (i did not ask).

at the end i kissed her on her forhead and cheeks, she didnt push me away, and i hugged her. She came closer to me and cried. and stayed outside looking from the balcony while i grabbed my bus (until i got on which it took 13 mins to wait) she also waited.

 

Is there still a chance?

 

Also, I know I shouldn't have done this but I went through her phone as She was on the other line to work.

I saw her block the guy (from all social media) and delete the number. i didnt ask for this. I know maybe she could have changed names etc, but i typed the number i had from him, and still on reject list. She could have not blocked him from everywhere cause as soon as she invited me in, she opened the door. so not enough time to do al that fast.

 

Is that a good sign?

[Clarisse]

This relationship can only be fixed with the help of a couples counselor. There is too much betrayal to get past without professional help. I would break off the engagement and seek counseling to determine whether this can and should be salvaged. Whatever you do, DO NOT get married for a very long time. This is not a healthy relationship.

[Futurehope00]

I would be willing to go counselling with her, but how would i bring this up with her, if she wants her space now? I really want to work things with her. Is like after the argument (before the text i read) when she told me she was unhappy. It gave me a big shake that i need to do better for her, for us. I'm not defending her actions, but I'm willing to try, as she did try with me when I done the same to her.

[Snny]

Ewe. So. Much. Drama. I'd back out of this whole relationship if I were you. If you have to write multi paragraphs about how troubled your relationship is... then is it worth salvaging??? It's very clear you are very unhappy with this woman, so why the hell stay in this snake pit?

 

It's not worth it. This whole fiasco is a gigantic headache and overwhelming that it's not worth the stress.

 

The advice given from your first thread stands. Do not marry her. No seriously. And her family needs to butt out on the marriage pressuring. That is left between you and the fiancée (fiancé is an engaged man btw). Keep them completely out of that decision. It's your life, not theirs.

 

How is space going to prepare you for a marriage? Once you both are married, there's no running away from your problems. You both are forced to work them out together OR file divorce- especially if there's kids and shared property involved. And at this level... it's a divorce if you guys are married now.

[Futurehope00]

Ewe. So. Much. Drama. I'd back out of this whole relationship if I were you. If you have to write multi paragraphs about how troubled your relationship is... then is it worth salvaging??? It's very clear you are very unhappy with this woman, so why the hell stay in this snake pit?

 

It's not worth it. This whole fiasco is a gigantic headache and overwhelming that it's not worth the stress.

 

The advice given from your first thread stands. Do not marry her. No seriously. And her family needs to butt out on the marriage pressuring. That is left between you and the fiancée (fiancé is an engaged man btw). Keep them completely out of that decision. It's your life, not theirs.

 

How is space going to prepare you for a marriage? Once you both are married, there's no running away from your problems. You both are forced to work them out together OR file divorce- especially if there's kids and shared property involved. And at this level... it's a divorce if you guys are married now.

 

 

 

I am happy with her. We both moved in together before being engaged. I looked forward coming home to see her and waking up next to her. At no point I was unhappy. Yes throughout the time we were together I was stressed cause I felt so much was on my shoulders. And she helped out a lot. She helped take care of the house when I lost my job and so much more. That's why I agreed to marry her before asking her myself. Because I wanted the future with her. Just recently with this incident it made me realise I wasn't who I thought I was towards her. She told me several times but seemed I brushed it off and left it. But never at any point I was unhappy. I love her. Maybe the way I acted towards her pushed her away. Yes despite that she shouldn't have done what she did. But I was and I'm happy with her. I miss her and how we were together home. Being silly and the love and affection she gave me. I can say so much good about her. Any not even try to think about it. It will flow naturally.

That's why I want to try. Because she did make me a better person believe it or not. Because I was in a dark place when she met me.

[Clarisse]

Give her space and time to think. If she decides she wants to give it another shot, suggest counseling at that time and take marriage off the table.

[boltnrun]

Does she know you went through her phone after she kindly invited you to dinner?

[abitbroken]

From the last thread:

 

She was upset and angry. And she apologies for everything. She told me she feels I'm trying st the wrong time and she felt she lost herself towards the end due to pressure. She wants time to find herself and wants me to do the same as she feels I lost my way from who I was at the start. We decided to seperated and will see how we feel in the coming future. She said it can take a week, two or who knows.

 

All you continue to do is pressure her -- if she feels like she is pressured - then you have to stop it. She moved out -- so let her be. Leave her alone. pack up all of her stuff in a box and put other things in the boxes as you find them around the house and then you'll have it all together when she is ready to have them or at a certain point, you just drop them off or have a friend pick them up. This is not a good relationship. it was not exclusive in the beginning - you rushed to move in and get engaged and she is extremely attention seeking. So stop giving her what she wants - drama and attention. Lay off. Lay the heck off. Grandma/Nan is trying to play matchmaker and encourages you that she still loves you and to stay around but that's the wrong thing.

[abitbroken]

btw, can you imagine being MARRIED to someone like this --- who blackmails you for attention and then up and leaves the house to sleep elsewhere, yet still has you on a tether. Do you want 50+ years of that? You will either be a beaten down, broken down man or you will be divorced quickly. Canceling the wedding is much cheaper

[Futurehope00]

I understand. Nan has stopped calling since that day. I spoke to her friend who was trying to talk, and told me that my fiancee still does love me (yesterday). Alot has been happening, and how she doesnt know how to express her feelings at pressuring moment, i noticed this, at rough parts of our engagement. And thats something i have noticed, when she has tried to open up. Instead she goes quiet. A lot has hit her lately, for example her friend is dying from cancer, and like her close friend. she was there since a young age. And much more at work, home and family.

At the moment of time, i'm not calling her or trying to see her. But we have spoken by text, and she seemed a bit more talktive. still cold, but she does try and talk.

One thing i dont fully understand, how she blackmails me? as she asked me for bit more attention from before.

 

I am happy with her. We both moved in together before being engaged. It was my suggestion, as she spends almost every weekend there. I gave her a drawer and well next thing you know i was like "move in". I look forward coming home to see her and waking up next to her. At no point I was unhappy. Yes throughout the time we were together I was stressed cause I felt so much was on my shoulders. And she helped out a lot. She helped take care of the house when I lost my job and so much more. That's why I agreed to marry her before asking her myself. Because I wanted the future with her.

Just recently with this incident it made me realise I wasn't who I thought I was towards her. She told me several times but seemed I brushed it off and left it. But never at any point I was unhappy. I love her. Maybe the way I acted towards her pushed her away. Yes despite that she shouldn't have done what she did. But I was and I'm happy with her. I miss her and how we were together home. Being silly and the love and affection she gave me. I can say so much good about her. Any not even try to think about it. It will flow naturally.

That's why I want to try. Because she did make me a better person believe it or not. Because I was in a dark place when she met me.

[abitbroken]

As far as blackmail "you don't pay attention to me! If i go quiet, you will lose me!" Basically saying if you don't constantly shower her with the high level attention that she wants - she is turning on a dime. From what you wrote, it doesn't sound like you neglected her - it sounds like her attention needs were far beyond the norm.

 

She helped take care of the house when I lost my job and so much more. That's why I agreed to marry her before asking her myself

 

This is a very codependent reason to marry. She paid some bills, so therefore you will marry her. The boundaries were very sloppy because no woman who you just started dating should do that. She was someone your 'dark place' self found appropriate - but she has not moved forward in growth - only you have

 

A person stonewalling you completely when they are not completely happy is NOT healthy. Running away to Grandma's house or the parent's house is not acceptable when you are married. You can't have a healthy marriage like that. At all. When you are about to marry, the relationship should already naturally flow. You really need to take the marriage off the table for the time being and look long and hard here. How does this make you a better person, now? So if anything happens that she doesn't like, she is going to run away?