Can't get past the anger and hurt.

[Pretzel]

I'm finding it hard to move on because I have these urges to contact him and tell him all the things he did wrong which led to our breakup.

 

I distinctly remember him breaking up with me and saying 'this isn't because I don't love you, or miss you, it's because its just not working anymore'. And he was leaning towards it being my fault, basically. He was saying things like 'people don't change all that much anyway and if we carry on like this we won't have a happy future together'. He was hinting at the fact that I can't stop creating dramas, that he's too worried about seeing me 'not knowing if it will lead to a fight', that I'm always the one that stokes fights- that it was never him. He knew that I always fought with my exes therefore it must be me, because he's never had a relationship with this much drama before...that he's never fought so much with anyone.

 

First of all, i just want to clarify that we hardly ever fought. We had patches of misunderstandings but he wasn't a confrontational person so he never engaged in dispute and he shut down any possibility of an argument. But his idea of a "fight" is if I'd be upset at him for something he did which was insensitive, and him not wanting to DEAL with it. That was what he called a fight. And his not wanting to deal with it, made my anxiety & frustration 100 x worse and sometimes led to me crying because he was so unengaged. And the more I'd seek out his attention, the more he'd pull away.

 

And now I have greater perspective I see that it wasn't my fault... I see how it was him leading me towards acting up with so many insensitive comments and things he did wrong. And I just feel depressed and sad that he didn't try being a more sensitive and understanding boyfriend to me first.

 

After everything I did for him and everything I gave, I feel almost used for my love and devotion for a year and that feeling of betrayal is so intense that it hurts to an excruciating point. I feel that he appreciated nothing I did, he was supposed to go travelling with me after he quit his job and instead of that he broke up with me at that time and went travelling alone and my pain isn't subsiding from this. I was incredibly supportive to him during the last year, I was like a support system to him and his family and i feel he has no idea that I started acting up because I just felt under-appreciated. He was appreciative through words, but not through actions.

 

I don't know what to do. I have kept NC for a while now since I last committed to it anyway. But should I tell him how I feel about this to feel better?

[Baowtadow]

What do you hope to get by bringing this all up to him? Do you think it will sway his opinion of wanting to work things out with you?

[Mikey383]

I think you should stay in NC....

There are so many things I would want to tell my EX...

Its just not worth it....

All it will do is hurt you even more....

You need to take the time and heal your self first...

Me and my EX split because her kids got too involved...

It was pressure on her...And she did not have the tools in her toolbox to put the effort in, to fix the problem...She took the easy way out...However it is a ongoing problem in her life that keeps re-occuring... Her two oldest daughters just control her and her love life...

You can't fix what is broken....Only they can fix themselves and their actions... It is the effort....And if there is no effort, it won't work...So contacting him won't fix anything....Not unless he contacts you and he has taken the actions....

[wilyone 11]

Reading what you wrote, it does sound pretty dramatic. Many men cannot handle this sort of intensity, women crying etc. It is total emotional overload for them. Men are extremely different from women and you’re expecting him to be like you when he’s not equipped that way.

 

Nothing will be gained by venting your angry feelings to him, except he’ll be even more glad that he broke things off.

 

Instead, vent to us, write a letter and don’t mail it.

 

Learn different ways to get your needs met than through angry outbursts. If a guy can’t meet your needs, get off the train and look elsewhere.

[Pretzel]

Reading what you wrote, it does sound pretty dramatic. Many men cannot handle this sort of intensity, women crying etc. It is total emotional overload for them. Men are extremely different from women and you’re expecting him to be like you when he’s not equipped that way.

 

Nothing will be gained by venting your angry feelings to him, except he’ll be even more glad that he broke things off.

 

Instead, vent to us, write a letter and don’t mail it.

 

Learn different ways to get your needs met than through angry outbursts. If a guy can’t meet your needs, get off the train and look elsewhere.

 

Yes I know what you mean and that's what he would say too. But he didn't understand that him being dismissive is what led to my frustration to the point where I'd cry because I'd think he must care very little (and at which point I'd feel insecure that he wants to break up).

The starting point to these events however is what's important here - that he never addressed or aknowledged as being his fault. E.g. He often casually talked about what country he wants to move to next (without any collaborative discussion or how we are a couple and how it would affect me). And he did this OFTEN. "Oh for my next job I thought it would be cool to move to Australia". "Hey guess what I got headhunted by someone in Dubai - that could be interesting for a year". Meanwhile he knows I have my whole life and job and family In the UK and I'm very settled yet he casually throws around the idea of IMMINENTLY moving abroad - not even in the distant future. And he wanted space a lot, wanted his time alone a lot more than I needed to be alone and I found that hard too because it felt that everything was always on his terms. Even when he asked me back to his apartment a few times after a night out he'd be like "okay I'll join you in bed soon I'm just gonna have some me time" and then pace around his lounge smoking for half an hour while I just lie there and eventually pass out.

I found this stuff very peculiar but I never said anything in real time. I tried to accept and understand it, despite the fact that he was well aware I wanted to him to act more like we are a 'couple'.

Also, he ridiculed me once for the fact that I joked that we could get married when we do our travels to the Middle East to be able to stay in hotels together (this was after he suggested that we *pretend* we are married). But me laughing and saying haha we could just do it for real for the trip and he'd act like that's "too far" and be like " woaaah, okay calm down!!!" Just stuff like this, often. And I didn't react to each incident each time, not at all. It was more a build up of this stuff. I'd point out I don't like it and he'd get defensive that I'm being overly sensitive. And dismiss me for creating drama.

He was also often short and grumpy with me on the phone if I called him to "check in" and just make sure we are cool (this was more so in the last month leading to the break up). "I said everything is fine" he'd snap. Which of course made me feel like everything is NOT fine and I'd be like then why do you sound like THAT???

 

This is the kind of stuff I think now looking back was completely unreasonable of him.

 

Yet despite all of this we had terrific times together, worked well as a team doing loads of stuff (big stuff) created a lot of wonderful memories and right til the very end had an unbelievable sex life, and i adored him. I did anything and everything for him any time he asked for my help with anything. And there were plenty of times. There were his own personal habits some of which I didn't like or agree with but I never ever ever once was upset or bothered by it, never criticised him because I was just delighted to have him in my life that small stuff were absolute non issues. It was the stuff he did / said that were threats to our relationships that I couldn't deal with.

[Pretzel]

In terms of what I hope to achieve by expressing it, it'd be mainly to get it off my chest. And an even better outcome would be if he also actually reflected on it and saw things differently and realised how much upset he caused me that could have been avoided. In the hope that he actually learns something, even if we are too broken to reconcile.

 

In any case, I'll keep NC for now and see if this urge to contact him to express this will pass.

[Carus]

Yes it will pass and you'll be so glad you didn't break.

 

I have to agree with the others. No good will come of it.

 

I have seen some people 'tell off' their ex and then say they've felt better afterwards, but it is only a temporary relief as the days roll on and you haven't heard from them.

 

What you HAVE done right is to come here and vent it out...

 

I'm going to go for a swim now and I will think about you dear Pretzel*

 

It helps to know we are not alone in this....

 

In fact I met a young guy last night who has recently been broken up with by his GF...and she is 3 months pregnant with his child..!

 

Man, l just said I'm so sorry dude and wished him the best. He has quite a road ahead of him!

 

You and I seem to be around the same stage of healing Pretzel.

 

Take my hand and let's walk together *

 

Carus* ¥