I’ve fallen into a hole, I don’t know what to do

[bafupas]

I’m in this relationship currently, it started out really well but with problems on my side. I’ve had a rough past and I’m not perfect and there’s sides to me I hate. I hid a lot of that in the beginning. Then came the lies. I lied to hide what was wrong with me because i was scared he would just leave. He started slowly finding out and it all stacked up. He never confronted me about it though, he let me get away with it so I continued to hide behind lies hoping he wouldn’t find out my true side and leave. Fast forward to now, he knows everything but he has false ideas of who i am now. He accepts me as a person but there are things he is accepting that aren’t true and nothing i do will change his mind. He’s become irritable with me, i can’t make a single mistake or he threatens to leave and there have been countless nights where we are up late and I’m begging for him to stay. We make each other happy until one small thing goes wrong, then I’m either over reacting of he hurt me or I’m treating him like because I accidentally voiced an opinion he doesn’t agree with. I’ve become secretive with him and scared to share how I’m feeling with everything. Now he completely pushes my feelings off to the sides and no matter how hard I fight, when i know I’m right he never listens. The mistakes i make aren’t common but they are very small, and every time I make one he gets hurt bad. He has anger issues and just recently realized that it is wrong of him to be swearing and cursing me out and name calling for my wrong doings. (One time, calling me selfish for wanting my mother who left me to come back) He has a lot o rules on me and says that i need to change. To never lie again, although he rarely believes me so I can’t control weather he thinks I’ve changed the way really, and to listen to him. Aka give up right away when we fight because I’m always wrong. 10 weekends in a row now he’s tried to leave but never does because he claims he loves me too much and thinks I’m perfect. But his actions say otherwise. I know I’ve done wrong and in most relationships it would be over by now. When there is no fighting everything is perfect. People consider it “relationship goals” but when we fight i feel less and less cared about or heard. And more walked over and hurt. I’m so confused, i know this post may make no sense and be just a bunch of ramble. But i don’t know what to do. I love him but he makes me feel terrible. He loves me but i make him feel terrible. Neither of us really want to end our relationship, but should we?

[ThatwasThen]

He loves me but i make him feel terrible. Neither of us really want to end our relationship, but should we?

Yes you should leave him and if you are too codependent you guys should at the very least get couples counselling so that you learn how to communicate with one another without making the other feel terrible. Would he be willing to go with you?

 

You might want to get your own therapy as well to help you figure out why you presented yourself as a lie rather then be the true you and if he doesn't like the real you, then you end things before they get this ugly and complicated. Therapy will hopefully also help you to process your mother's abandonment of you and how you can nurture your inner child.

[reinventmyself]

The threatens to leave you or abandon you to control you.

You beg for him to stay, give up another part of yourself and then he's happy.

He continues to wear you down until you don't have the courage or self esteem to stand up for yourself.

He's very abusive and this will only get worse.

[thorough]

The threatens to leave you or abandon you to control you.

You beg for him to stay, give up another part of yourself and then he's happy.

He continues to wear you down until you don't have the courage or self esteem to stand up for yourself.

He's very abusive and this will only get worse.

 

Yes threatening to leave is abusive and is used to manipulate the other person to stay no matter what. I had a guy try to manipulate me by threatening not to talk to me for 3 days, this person doesn't care about you, only in his own thing.

[catfeeder]

The way I'd handle anyone's threat to leave me would be to invite them to do so.

 

As you've noticed, it's not possible to hide who we are for very long, so the lesson to take from that is that such an attempt is a wasted exercise in the first place. The only foundation for dating is clarity about who you are and what you want with no qualms about showing that to anyone. So it makes no sense to take up with anyone you suspect wouldn't accept the 'real' you, when the whole point of living is to BE you.