My Wife Seems... Un-exciteable.

[JeffreyO]

So, let me take you back to the past.

 

I met my wife while living in Thailand. Culture there isn't quite what it is in the USA. Often many people don't have sex until marriage (or they're VERY opposite of that, depending on the person). My wife, before meeting me, had never been with a man. I should add we met at the age of 29 (I'm 33 now). Before having sex I said "if this relationship works out, maybe you should start taking birth control to be safe" so she started. After a few months she knew I felt love for her and vice versa so we decided it was the right time. The problem was, no matter what I could do I couldn't get her excited or wet. I thought this was due to nervousness. When I'd try to penetrate her I could tell she was in pain so I simply stopped and said "don't worry about it".

 

A month or so later we decided to buy a little lube. That worked, albeit removing some of the romance of someones first time... I did all I could to comfort her but honestly I could tell she felt bad about it. We thought maybe it was due to the birth control she was taking so we changed which pill she was on. That helped ever so slightly. Four years later, this is still a problem but honestly I'm thinking it's not the pill I'm thinking it's her... and I know it sounds bad to blame her but she never seems to initiate, which could be normal, she never seems horny, she never seems to get very excited. Also, I have been with many other girls before her and never had this problem so maybe it's me but I don't see how... I CAN get her wet with oral but that's the only way.

 

I want to take care of her but giving oral isn't exactly my thing so doing it is an act of... I don't want to say desperation but I'm trying my best to make her happy... I'm really open to advice on this. I don't want to rely on lube or oral every time but we haven't had sex in a month because the romance just isn't there when it's so hard to get her excited. I find myself watching porn far more than thinking about her... it's not because I don't love her but just the difficulty. I've had chances with other girls and, as much as I love my wife sometimes it's really hard to fight that natural urge. I hope I can find a way to make this work with the woman I love. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks all!

[Unreasonable]

I CAN get her wet with oral but that's the only way.

Then that's you do.

 

The End.

[JeffreyO]

Then that's you do.

 

The End.

 

That's a fairly worthless reply. "Do something you hate doing because it's the only way you've found that works."

Sorry to say, sex is about two people. If I'm making her happy but I'm unhappy, or she's making me happy but she's unhappy, that just doesn't cut it. Yes you do things for someone else that you don't enjoy sometimes but your sex life can't rely on that.

[Unreasonable]

Well, since oral isn't "your thing" and porn is apparently your thing, then I'd stick with that and see where it takes you. You don't want to rely on lube or oral because reasons, and apparently those reasons are more important than no sex for a month or satisfaction for her.

 

By the way, you absolutely CAN rely on lube. It works, every time. It has a job and works quite well, and once she goes through menopause may be a necessity.

 

But, it's obvious that what gets her actually hot is oral. So I'd give her oral. Trust me I'm sure she's not thrilled by continuous dissatisfaction either.

[cherubrock]

I can relate to not getting "excited", has she told you anything? Do you do foreplay?

[JeffreyO]

I think I'm going to stop responding to "unreasonable" because he's being, unreasonable...

 

Cherubrock, we do foreplay but it doesn't seem to get the job done. Even during sex, clitoral stimulation doesn't seem to do much for her but the girl I was with before her, I could get her to orgasm multiple times each session so... this is unknown territory for me now

[wom360]

You married a 29 year old virgin and expect her to be hot for it?

[Unreasonable]

Solution is staring you right in the face and you want to dance around it. If you think doing what it takes is unreasonable, fine, but there's plenty of men out there that will do what it takes.

[JeffreyO]

You married a 29 year old virgin and expect her to be hot for it?

 

Her family is a rather conservative buddhist family. When she started living with me her mother basically said to her "If he gets the milk why would he buy the cow?" This is a pretty standard view in Thailand unless you work in the sex industry.

 

Do I expect humans to feel like humans? Yes. Culturally we can restrict ourselves but that doesn't mean we don't want the same things as other humans.

[rosephase]

Does she like or desire sex?

 

Do you talk about sex?

 

Have you tried vibrators?

 

It could be that culturally she's been taught to dislike it. It could be that she is asexual. It could be that she isn't attracted to you in a sexual way. It could be that she needs oral to get warmed up... that isn't that unusual.

[JeffreyO]

Does she like or desire sex?

 

Do you talk about sex?

 

Have you tried vibrators?

 

It could be that culturally she's been taught to dislike it. It could be that she is asexual. It could be that she isn't attracted to you in a sexual way. It could be that she needs oral to get warmed up... that isn't that unusual.

 

I've thought about buying vibrators and sex toys to liven things up. It's on my theory list. I have also considered the fact that she may very well be asexual to a degree. If not attracted to me, why marry me? Though it may have been from love more than desire.

 

We don't talk about sex usually. I see no like or desire for sex from her which leans again towards the asexual side. She doesn't even look at other men when they walk by even when I can clearly tell they're handsome, which is a bit odd XD.

 

Honestly I have to be careful when talking about sex with her because I don't want her to feel strange, different, a freak or a weirdo. I just want her to be happy but I don't want to feel the desire for others because I'm not getting it at home, too.

[cherubrock]

JeffryO "humans" come in all different shapes, colors and desires...

 

If you're interested my post is here ... I lost mine at 26.

 

I feel like her issues are influenced by her culture and family upbringing. How much do you know of her past?

[JeffreyO]

JeffryO "humans" come in all different shapes, colors and desires...

 

If you're interested my post is here ... I lost mine at 26.

 

I feel like her issues are influenced by her culture and family upbringing. How much do you know of her past?

 

She had two boyfriends before. She's from Thailand but into caucasians so options were... limited at best. She "fooled around", a little foreplay with them but never sex. She was raised as a conservative buddhist but isn't particularly active in the religion herself except for the things she's expected to do, like show up at a temple for special holidays, etc.

 

I definitely think culture may be playing a role and to add to that the earlier comment about asexuality. It could be both...

[rosephase]

I've thought about buying vibrators and sex toys to liven things up. It's on my theory list. I have also considered the fact that she may very well be asexual to a degree. If not attracted to me, why marry me? Though it may have been from love more than desire.

 

We don't talk about sex usually. I see no like or desire for sex from her which leans again towards the asexual side. She doesn't even look at other men when they walk by even when I can clearly tell they're handsome, which is a bit odd XD.

 

Honestly I have to be careful when talking about sex with her because I don't want her to feel strange, different, a freak or a weirdo. I just want her to be happy but I don't want to feel the desire for others because I'm not getting it at home, too.

 

Well talking about sex is going to have to be a first step. How would you ever know what she wants? What makes her uncomfortable? What feels good? You need to have an open communication about sex. If she can't -talk- about sex then maybe it's time for therapy?

 

Also people get married for a LOT of reasons. At 29 she could have easily felt like she needed to get married. I wouldn't assume she married you because of a deep sexual desire. You were there, safe, successful... for some people in some cultures sexual desire doesn't play a part in who you choose to marry.

[JeffreyO]

Well talking about sex is going to have to be a first step. How would you ever know what she wants? What makes her uncomfortable? What feels good? You need to have an open communication about sex. If she can't -talk- about sex then maybe it's time for therapy?

 

Also people get married for a LOT of reasons. At 29 she could have easily felt like she needed to get married. I wouldn't assume she married you because of a deep sexual desire. You were there, safe, successful... for some people in some cultures sexual desire doesn't play a part in who you choose to marry.

 

Well, that stings a bit Yes, maybe she just felt like she needed to get married but I do feel real love in our relationship.

 

Talking about sex isn't really... well, this goes back to culture. Something I walk a tightrope on and I really have to be careful about. Sex isn't worth significantly damaging our relationship...

[rosephase]

Well, that stings a bit Yes, maybe she just felt like she needed to get married but I do feel real love in our relationship.

 

Talking about sex isn't really... well, this goes back to culture. Something I walk a tightrope on and I really have to be careful about. Sex isn't worth significantly damaging our relationship...

 

Um... okay. If -talking- about sex might significantly damage your relationship... what kind of relationship are you in?

 

Look, if you aren't willing to start with words you are never going to get anywhere. You could decide that sex isn't important to you and leave it where it is (meaning never having sex with someone who seems to enjoy it ever again). But if you want sex to work you need to talk.

 

If the honest truth is she doesn't want to have sex with you... don't you want to know that? You two are married. You should be able to talk about hard things.

 

If you can't talk your relationship is already damaged. Why did you marry someone you can't talk to?

[JeffreyO]

Um... okay. If -talking- about sex might significantly damage your relationship... what kind of relationship are you in?

 

Look, if you aren't willing to start with words you are never going to get anywhere. You could decide that sex isn't important to you and leave it where it is (meaning never having sex with someone who seems to enjoy it ever again). But if you want sex to work you need to talk.

 

If the honest truth is she doesn't want to have sex with you... don't you want to know that? You two are married. You should be able to talk about hard things.

 

If you can't talk your relationship is already damaged. Why did you marry someone you can't talk to?

 

Not talking and talking in a way that blames someone else about something someone already feels sensitive about are different things. Our relationship outside of sex is probably one of the healthiest I've seen so... yes we can maintain but sex is clearly an issue for me but not for her.

[rosephase]

Not talking and talking in a way that blames someone else about something someone already feels sensitive about are different things. Our relationship outside of sex is probably one of the healthiest I've seen so... yes we can maintain but sex is clearly an issue for me but not for her.

 

Well yeah... don't blame her. And remember that it's a sensitive topic. But you need to be able to talk about sex.

 

These are conversations people in long term committed relationships need to be able to have. It's not easy. If you can't find a way to approach the topic that she can hear it's time to get a therapist to help. OR give up on sex. Stop doing this thing she doesn't enjoy and can't talk about. Enjoy the parts of the relationship that work and walk for ever on egg shells around the parts that don't. Subscribe to a good porn site and let her be comfortable without sex.

 

If you want this to change you need to talk. Or end the marriage. The only thing you are going to get from trying to manipulate or trick her into liking sex more is more issues around sex.

[JeffreyO]

Well yeah... don't blame her. And remember that it's a sensitive topic. But you need to be able to talk about sex.

 

These are conversations people in long term committed relationships need to be able to have. It's not easy. If you can't find a way to approach the topic that she can hear it's time to get a therapist to help. OR give up on sex. Stop doing this thing she doesn't enjoy and can't talk about. Enjoy the parts of the relationship that work and walk for ever on egg shells around the parts that don't. Subscribe to a good porn site and let her be comfortable without sex.

 

If you want this to change you need to talk. Or end the marriage. The only thing you are going to get from trying to manipulate or trick her into liking sex more is more issues around sex.

 

She is not particularly open to talking because she feels bad about it. I've tried a few times. I asked her to tell me the things that she likes, she shuts down. I asked her to tell me what feels good during sex so I know to do it later, she never follows through. I think a lot of this is cultural.

 

You're from the bay area? I grew up in Palo Alto myself and we tend to be more open than many parts of the world. That's just how it is.

 

I suppose this is not me asking for relationship advice as much as it is asking for sex advice when dealing with a multi-cultural relationship... I don't think there is any one answer.

 

Our relationship: She's not some bar girl, she has a masters degree in marketing, is trilingual in English, Thai, Japanese and, she is exceptionally smart. I grew up on welfare but made a life for myself as a computer engineer, I make six figures, I take care of most of the bills now. I cook meals for her when she's home and I am, she helps me clean the house and dishes. For Christmas I got her a golden retriever puppy because I saw years of posts of her talking about how cute they are. We have a good relationship, sex is a problem but it's my problem more than hers. I honestly am leaning more towards the a-sexual side because even without it she seems fine. She would never be open to an open relationship so I have to find another solution, porn does it for now but I wonder for how long...

[Unreasonable]

She is not particularly open to talking because she feels bad about it. I've tried a few times. I asked her to tell me the things that she likes, she shuts down. I asked her to tell me what feels good during sex so I know to do it later, she never follows through.

My bet is she likes oral, and knows that talking about it with you would be completely useless, because there's no way she hasn't caught on that you don't like it. The only women I've known that don't want oral have been taught that it's gross (reinforced by you), or immoral. Whether that's cultural or not is inconsequential. But it is obviously feels good or she wouldn't get aroused by it.

[rosephase]

You married someone who doesn't want to have sex with you. That is the issue. She is smart and talented and from a different culture and she doesn't want to have sex with you. You married quickly and you married before it was clear that you aren't sexually compatible. You pay for almost everything. She helps clean. You got her a puppy. For me? That isn't enough for a life time commitment certainly not a legally binding one. Maybe it is enough for you.

 

To me it sounds like you don't want to sit down and talk with her because you are scared of what she has to say if she is honest with you. Asexual is the least ego burseing option. Personally? If I'm going to be legally entwined with someone I want to honestly know what is going on with them and their attachment towards me. If I was in your shoes I would be worried that I was being used. Maybe honestly used... maybe this is what her culture teaches a marriage should be like? Roommates? Friendly roommates? Where the male pays for everything and she does....? whatever?

 

And I guess that's the question. If you won't work on it with words, is this enough?

 

I think you are scared of her answers and that's why you won't talk to her.

[JeffreyO]

My bet is she likes oral, and that talking about it with you would be completely useless.

 

I've asked her specifically about that. she said she likes it, she also said she likes being touched. since one gets her wet and the other does not it's of little help regarding the cause of this issue.

[itsallgrand]

I think it's rather obvious what is going on but you won't admit it.

[JeffreyO]

You married someone who doesn't want to have sex with you. That is the issue. She is smart and talented and from a different culture and she doesn't want to have sex with you. You married quickly and you married before it was clear that you aren't sexually compatible. You pay for almost everything. She helps clean. You got her a puppy. For me? That isn't enough for a life time commitment certainly not a legally binding one. Maybe it is enough for you.

 

To me it sounds like you don't want to sit down and talk with her because you are scared of what she has to say if she is honest with you. Asexual is the least ego burseing option. Personally? If I'm going to be legally entwined with someone I want to honestly know what is going on with them and their attachment towards me. If I was in your shoes I would be worried that I was being used. Maybe honestly used... maybe this is what her culture teaches a marriage should be like? Roommates? Friendly roommates? Where the male pays for everything and she does....? whatever?

 

And I guess that's the question. If you won't work on it with words, is this enough?

 

I think you are scared of her answers and that's why you won't talk to her.

 

You clearly don't know what you're talking about. You seem to think people are the same as you but they're not. She stated many times she wants to have sex but she doesn't know why she can't get wet. That's on me? I'm glad you enjoy your sexuality but people are different.

[rosephase]

You clearly don't know what you're talking about. You seem to think people are the same as you but they're not. She stated many times she wants to have sex but she doesn't know why she can't get wet. That's on me? I'm glad you enjoy your sexuality but people are different.

 

Then why don't you talk about it? I swear, talking is your best choice. Actual communication. If she says she wants to have sex then why do you feel like she doesn't? If she wants to have sex but doesn't get wet that is what lube is for. Some women don't get very wet. But that isn't what you came here asking about. You can -tell- she isn't enjoying sex. You've had partners in the past who enjoy sex. And your wife doesn't enjoy having sex with you and you are to scared to sit down and talk like adults. This is your marriage. This is exactly where you should be working on better communication.

 

TALK to your wife about sex. And keep talking about it. And if it's awkward? Talk about it more.