Still insecure

[stopnshop]

For some reason, I am still jealous of my ex-bf's ex-gf. I still see my ex every so often and I guess we're kind of dating again....

 

We're all in our early 20s and he dated his ex for 5 years. She went to study abroad and broke up with him and cheated with a bunch of guys before actually breaking up. He found out she planned the whole thing with her friends for several months and he hates her.

 

We started dating 4 months after she left and all these details slowly came about 2 months in. This was my first relationship and I was so insecure of their 5 year history. They shared a friend group, learned a language together, lived together for 4 years....He even kept her dog after she left and refused to give it back because he loved it so much which I was weird about in the beginning. We started dating so soon after their break up and I felt like there was no way he was over her like I was a rebound. Of course, when I talked to him about it, he would tell me otherwise. He had a lot of insecurities and issues on his own. He was really clingy. He hated when I hung out with my friends without him and always wanted me to be there whenever he hung out with his. Even when I would want to spend time with my family, he would want to come with me. We spent almost every single moment together. He did not want to spend a night apart. He would always try to convince me to stay at his place and get upset when I would want to go home. And this started after maybe 2 months which isn't normal.

 

He just moved the relationship so fast and I felt he was just trying to use me as a replacement for his ex. It was my first relationship and instead of waiting for me to feel comfortable or decide what I wanted for myself, he pushed all his feelings on me and made me feel bad when I didn't return them. He started telling me he loved me after only 2 months, and when I would hesitate and get awkward he'd say stuff like "I'm not trying to be with someone who's not serious".

 

I broke up with him when he got drunk and we got into an argument about whether or not I was keeping secrets from him( I wasn't!). He got so angry he punched my car and left a dent. I know should not be with him. He needs to get over his insecurities and his anger issues and I need to get over mine. But we are still seeing each other every once in a while and I'm sure this is the problem. And I know this is not helping but I honestly miss him even though I don't want to be with him like I was. I told him what I was unhappy about in our relationship and he tried to convince me to get back together. And I agreed, stupidly, to see him every once in a while. However at this point, we both know its not going anywhere.

 

I'm still sour about how our relationship started and my feelings of being used as a rebound. My very first relationship where I cared about someone romantically for the first time and I was a rebound. We dated for 6 months and I am still comparing myself to his ex. On how pretty she is, her lifestyle, her friends, etc. She's outgoing and friendly and talkative and I'm very socially anxious and quiet around people I don't know. I could barely talk to his family because I was always so nervous... and then there are pictures of her holding his little brother in her arms when they were younger and still dating. Like...that sucks. I find myself constantly checking her social media when I have no reason to. I would love to completely forget about this girl but I don't know how to. I'm ready to move on from my ex and experience a newer, better relationship but what if this happens with every boyfriend?

 

And I don't hate this girl by any means. I can actually see where she's coming from and why she did what she did. He was her first relationship and they were together for too long. I know from experience how angry, controlling and manipulative he can be. I know he was not the nicest to her when they were together. She was ready to break up with him but couldn't find a way to leave when their lives were so integrated. So she found a way, and it ended terribly because she cheated with a bunch of guys. But she was ready to have new exciting experiences after being with him for 5 years.

 

I know the best thing to do in this situation is to completely cut off contact with him. I still have feelings for him which is why I still see him. But I do not want to be in a relationship, which I've told him. I'm still comparing myself to her when she has nothing to do with me anymore. She never did. I honestly do't know why I can't just forget her.

 

Any advice is welcome.

[Hollyj]

I think you should move on, as this sounds unhealthy.

 

He wants to be with you daily, and you have no alone time. Yikes! Also, the fact that he has violent tendencies is a scary sign.

 

OP, you know that this is not good. It;s time to cut the cord, and not be with someone with sooooooooo many issues.