He doesn't love me

[A689512]

I have been with this great guy for about a year now. My last relationship was extremely abusive, physically and mentally, so I'm still insecure and timid at times. I told my boyfriend, let's call him J, that I loved him, and he doesn't love me back. That was 3 months ago and he still doesn't. He had some bad breakups in the past and admits that he hasn't been in love for over 8 years and isn't even sure what it feels like it anymore. However, he treats me and acts like he does, despite the fact that we argue over my insecurities. Idk. I was told every day by my ex that no one would ever love me besides him. And sometimes I still believe him. Anyways, I feel like I'm waiting for something that will never happen. If he doesn't love me by now he probably never will. I'm torn between staying and seeing how it plays out, or just sparing myself the time and end it now. Someone please help. He really is a great guy.

[SweetGirl28]

First, your ex telling you no one else will ever love you is a crude narcissistic remark and he is wrong.

That is used as a form of emotional and psychological abuse.

 

Second, love takes time. Maybe you said it too soon, and you scared him a bit.

Don't mention it anymore, act as if you never said it.

Don't let your pride get in the way of continuing with a man who is otherwise great to you.

He may just not be ready. Some have very guarded hearts. Actions are important, not the words.

[catfeeder]

How much time did you take off from relationships after the abusive guy? Apparently it wasn't long enough to cultivate a solid emotional foundation for dating and learning that most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just the odds. So a solid sense of self can recognize this and allow for bad matches to pass early while you hold out for simpatico with someone who truly 'gets you' and can appreciate and love your for your unique value. We all have this value, but it's up to us to learn that--not on someone else to teach it to us.

 

I'd tell BF that I adore him and can picture the two of us together in the future, possibly, but that's why you need to walk away while you both still think highly of one another. If he ever decides that love is something he can wholeheartedly offer you, he can contact you to let you know. Otherwise, you'll chalk this up as a great experience, but you'd rather hold out for true love that is reciprocated, and you wish him the best.

 

This holds the door open for any possible change of heart from him even while it clears your deck of a relationship that isn't serving any purpose but to keep you feeling insecure and unloved. Skip that, invest in building your own life and self esteem, and trust in the future to teach you who will be RIGHT for you rather than settling for scraps from someone who can't give you anything more.

 

Head high, and use counseling or any other resource to help you learn how to recognize and appreciate your OWN value. From there, you'll be better equipped to make wiser choices about who you'll invest in going forward.

[ThatwasThen]

I have been with this great guy for about a year now. My last relationship was extremely abusive, physically and mentally, so I'm still insecure and timid at times. I told my boyfriend, let's call him J, that I loved him, and he doesn't love me back. That was 3 months ago and he still doesn't. He had some bad breakups in the past and admits that he hasn't been in love for over 8 years and isn't even sure what it feels like it anymore. However, he treats me and acts like he does, despite the fact that we argue over my insecurities. Idk. I was told every day by my ex that no one would ever love me besides him. And sometimes I still believe him. Anyways, I feel like I'm waiting for something that will never happen. If he doesn't love me by now he probably never will. I'm torn between staying and seeing how it plays out, or just sparing myself the time and end it now. Someone please help. He really is a great guy.

 

Are you exclusive or is he dating others in this year that he's been seeing you and doesn't love you?

How did the two of you meet?

What makes you think you love him. What loving actions does he show you that makes you feel that you are valued? (sex doesn't count)

 

You are in love with someone that claims to not know what being in love even means anymore. Knowing that, I think I would bow out now and save myself a lot more heartache down the road when he won't advance the relationship past whatever it is you two have right now (so are you exclusive? Have you even had that talk?)

 

Don't stay because you're afraid to be alone. There is nothing more lonely then being in love when its not reciprocated.

[A689512]

I took a year off from dating before we met. We met at my old place of work, where he can in and shopped. He have been exclusive throughout the entire relationship. He brings me to family events, around friends, and proudly announces our relationship to everyone. I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of wasting my time. But he makes me really happy and treats me better than anyone I've ever been with. But I always have, and will probably always will, feel unlovable

[catfeeder]

But I always have, and will probably always will, feel unlovable

 

This is the thing to fix, and it's within your power to do so, because it doesn't depend on externals--it's a decision.

 

Really, think: if YOU don't find yourself lovable, how can you expect anyone else to, either?

 

That's a core perspective you'll need to adopt and grow to appreciate before you're truly relationship material. Anything short of self respect and self love is like a candle in the wind--and that's not exactly a foundation for a happy and loving relationship with anyone.

 

I'd make it my private goal to find my Self and learn how to tap into and love my own highest intelligence rather than try to manipulate love from someone who may not own the capacity to view me through the right lens. That speaks of his limitations, not yours.

 

Have you considered counseling?

[ThatwasThen]

Originally Posted by A689512 View Post

 

But I always have, and will probably always will, feel unlovable

Well, staying with someone that has told you he doesn't love you will certainly reinforce that in your mind.

 

Have you had any therapy to help you get past the abuse you endured with your ex and to guide you in ways that will build back up the self-worth that relationship stripped you of?

[A689512]

I have not had any form of professional counseling, but I'm much better than I used to be. I feel like I alternate between not feeling good enough, and accepting myself for who I am. Since my ex, I set my standards a lot higher. This new guy adores me and admits that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. He really is everything I could ask for and then some. And I believe him when he says it's not me, I am just confused as to why he acts like and treats me like he loves me, but can't bring himself to admit it.

[nutbrownhare]

Some people just don't like expressing themselves verbally in that way; if you're happy in the relationship and are not feeling lonely and neglected - stop worrying. Actions speak louder than words!

[reinventmyself]

But he makes me really happy and treats me better than anyone I've ever been with.

 

But you have admitted that your last relationship was abusive so no doubt that this is the best you have experienced.

Better than abusive, right?

 

At least it's a step in the right direction and maybe not quite there yet.

 

I agree with others. Honestly this is the only life you get to live, so hold out for someone who's madly in love with you and don't settle for less.