Is dating always a game? It's getting hurtful

[jitterbug]

So I've not posted in ages. Been single 6 months and after a horrendous grieving period, I started to really enjoy it. I had a fling with somebody, and when that ended I decided to start dating as I've never really done it.

 

I found it hard at first, because online dating is a whole different world. The ghosting or cancelling last minute upset me at first, when it happened. But now I realise that's just part of it, and I don't tend to care. For a while I just wanted casual sex and some fun getting to know different people, so I purposefully went out with people whom I found attractive, but I didn't think I'd fall for, and surprisingly it worked ok.

 

But I just feel like it's all a game. Men want you and chase you if you seem uninterested, and as soon as you start to warm to them and maybe like them, they pull away. I'm worried because I'm starting to realise that I want something more, I'm really missing feeling connected to somebody. And I think, when I wanted casual stuff, the head games didn't bother me so much because I wasn't invested. But now...I just don't know how to play it. I'm not made for this. I'm very honest and upfront. If I like someone, I'll want to tell him.

 

I guess I'm trying to figure out how to manage the situation when I meet someone I really like. It's on my mind as I recently did feel very strongly for someone (someone I kind of know but reconnected with on Tinder) and I think I messed it all up by telling him I like him and would like to get to know him more.

[rosephase]

If you are a up front person, be up front. Then people who are attracted to that will be attracted to you. I don't play games. I partner with people who don't play games. I think that is a garbage way to start something real.

 

If you think someone is doing head games on you, stop communicating with them. That isn't your person if they are acting that way. On-line dating sucks. But if you are honest about who you are and what you want you'll have a lot better chance of finding someone that is excited about you. If I need to play head games to get someone interested in me, they were never interested.

[katrina1980]

jitterbug, if a man "pulls away" because you told him you like him and want to get to know him, good riddance!

 

THAT should be your attitude, NOT that you did something wrong by telling him.

 

As long as you are not overwhelming him with texts, or "where is this going" questions, or pushing him for a "relationship", you are fine.

 

I find it best to let a man lead in early stages, and respond enthusiastically.

 

Keep those early dates, fun, light, breezy and sexy!

 

A bit of tension is good, means there's something "going on."

 

Don't be afraid of that.

 

If he doesn't text for a couple days, do not freak! Or over-think.

 

Lower the expectations about that, a bit of space is good in my opinion. Allows you both to miss each other which increases the attraction, and tension.

 

If you can do all that, again you should be fine. A good guy who is into you and wants a RL will stick around.

 

But if he runs because he knows you like him, would you even want a guy like that?

 

I sure wouldn't!

[Pleasedonot5]

The old cliché of when you want romance to happen, it doesn't... And when you stop caring so much, it will happen.

 

I recommend focusing less on (online) dating, and focusing more on adding something social to your life that you enjoy. For me, it's a ballroom dancing club. For anyone else, it could be running, cycling, DnD, book club, etc. Something that's social that you enjoy. Meanwhile, solve the things in your life that are weighing you down. Make your life great, and someone will come.

 

Also an important point: I've found that my most successful relationships so far have started with friends setting us up... Maybe something worth considering?

[figureitout23]

It doesn't have to be. If you go in with a casual mindset and that's not truly who you are, it probably won't be fun. Look how often women post going insane because they pushed the casual, careless, anti commitment, sexually open woman and that's not who they are so they're on here, asking 'do you think he likes me' ' do you think he wants a relationship' ' why did he ghost me'.

 

You can be open and let what you're looking for known and not be ashamed you aren't 'that girl' There are men out there who want relationships.

[jitterbug]

Thanks guys, there's some really good advice here.

 

I do keep telling myself that I need to just keep being me, I shouldn't change but it's hard when it constantly feels like I'm not made for this dating crap. Even in a casual sense, I seem to intimidate men - well I've been told this before. I don't even know why! I can only assume it's cos I'm confident and comfortable initiating things.

 

I would focus less on online dating, but it's more convenient for me as I have a chronic health problem and I get ill really spontaneously, so I find it hard to commit to things such as clubs or classes etc. I'm also not working, so online dating is a good way to meet new people (I've made loads of friends from it too!)

 

Figureitout23 - I get what you mean, but I'm ok with the casual dating thing. Or I have been until very recently. I've actually enjoyed it, as I wasn't ready for a relationship and didn't want to meet someone. But, I did eventually meet some I had feelings for and obviously that changes things. And it made me realise that I don't want a relationship unless it's with some pretty special. Rather than shut myself off to the idea completely, I decided to just be open to things. Date, see how things go, not try to control it into being super casual or being a relationship. Just allow stuff to happen.