Questioning

[Alex39]

So I met this guy two months ago online. I was fresh off of two guys whom dated me, led me to believe they wanted a relationship with me, and then they disappeared. One after I went on vacation. He talked to me all through the vacation, but I never saw him again when I got home and he faded out. It hits you hard when things like this happened, but when I met Paul everything changed. He put me first. Paul lives 45 mins to an hour from me, which is far, but to me its not that bad. He always drives to me. I have my own place and he still lives with his family. I mention that we can meet in the middle, but he never takes me up on it. He treats me well and we have a lot of fun together. He tells his family all about me. He always compliments me and talks to me all the time, through text when we aren't together.

 

He works Tuesday through Saturday and I work Monday through Friday. We normally see each other Saturday nights and Sunday during the day. But recently I'm questioning things, because of his actions. This weekend for example. He came over Saturday after work. I made us dinner, we went out shopping for some stuff, we had a great time. He stayed late at my house. Everything was good. I think he wanted to stay at my house, but I wasn't ready for that, so I kicked him out.

 

I mentioned to him that on Sunday I have something with one of m girlfriends at 4:30pm, but that we can do stuff all before that. He couldn't really give me a yes or no answer, which I have now learned is no, and then he starts saying how he wants to sleep in and such. I tell him he should wake up a bit earlier and then we can see each other. He kind of just brushed it off. Then I mentioned that maybe we can meet in the middle of our houses, to make it easier on him, and he still couldn't agree to anything with me. So just because he wants to sleep until 1 in the afternoon, by the time we would meet up we would have no time. Its sort of immature to me.

 

It is now Sunday and I have a feeling I won't be seeing him at all and it stinks. I have told him to come over Monday, a day where he is off from work, and meet me after I get out, and we can do dinner and hangout, but he never does. This is weird to me, because he doesn't work or do anything all day. I don't expect him to stay late, just have some time to see me. We don't see each other Monday-Friday and we just make text talk during that, but sometimes I'm feeling like its not enough for me. I like him and I enjoy spending time with him. He makes me feel good about myself and encourages me to do positive things. But if I have any sort of plan on the weekend, say a sporadic girl thing or family obligation, I don't see him, or barely see him and its really not the best. I feel stuck some weekends, because I get invited to do some other fun things, and I can't because if I do, I won't see him at all. I do want to see him, its not that I want to run off with my friends and ditch him, but sometimes my girl friends invite me to fun things, and I keep feeling like I am missing out, because he is my priority. I don't know if I should go back out and keep dating and see if anyone is closer to me. He and I aren't exclusive and he hasn't brought it up, so technically I am single. I just feel bad seeing other men behind his back, because he's made it pretty clear he is only seeing me.

[Cope]

If he made it pretty clear that he's only seeing you, then why didn't you make it clear that you still want to date others (or not)?

He can sleep in on his days off, that's what they are for! Maybe he doesn't want to make the whole drive to you on Monday due to the limited time you'll have. Again, I find it normal.

 

Ok, harsh question. Just curious. Are we sure he isn't married? Just a wild thought.

 

Don't plan your life around him. Relationships are a bonus in life. A partner is someone you can share life with. In order to share a life, you will need one.

[Batya33]

You're single and you've only been dating for two months and you just met two months ago. He is doing all of the driving - have you offered to drive to where he lives -maybe he doesn't want to meet in the middle because the options of what to do are limited? I know he lives with his family but maybe that is the issue -the driving.

 

He is entitled to do whatever he wants on a Monday during the day even if in your opinion he does "nothing." People who work hard especially deserve to do "nothing" because to them it is something - it is space, time to relax, not have "pressured alone time". Maybe he thinks your hanging out with your girlfriends is meaningless too -probably not , but don't discount time spent on your own as "nothing." He left your house very late and had a long drive home and you were busy starting at 4:30 and it's ok he didn't want to fit within your schedule.

 

I don't think someone you've known two months should be your "priority" but since you two have limited times during the week to see each other because of the distance the scheduling with him might need to take priority if you are interested in dating him. For example, when I was dating my husband for about 3-4 months, my friend called me with one extra seat for a reservation at a swanky restaurant for a specially priced dinner. On a Saturday night. He was going to be in town that whole weekend and I told my friend that if she had 2 seats we could do it but Saturday night was a night we typically went out. She seemed surprised that that was my priority since I'd only been dating him 3 months. But, it was and everyone has his/her own priorities.

 

I think you shouldn't import your perspective from the guys you dated into this relationship. From what I remember you dated those guys for short periods of time and didn't have an agreement to be exclusive. Avoid indulging in the victim part again with the "I was led to believe" and "disappeared" - give this a fresh start and if you find yourself getting clingy or overly negative about someone's need for space or judgey about how someone spends his limited free time, make yourself stop and move on from it. It's not fair to him or to you.

 

If he seems to need space or wants to do his own thing be fine with it and give him twice the space he seems to need. Let him miss you. Make scheduling in this sort-of long distance dating thing a priority. If what your girlfriends are doing at that particular time that he is available seems to be more fun, then wait to be exclusive so that he can do fun things too at that time and you can hang with your girlfriends and keep your options open too.