Have a child with a married man....

[confused1206]

I know the title sounds bad, but let me explain I did not know he was married.

 

My daughters father and I dated 8 years ago. Only lasted a couple months, and we went our separate ways. When I was going through my divorce, I reached out to him.

 

We rekindled. Hit it off immediately. He began making trips to Virginia to see myself and my kids. He would stay with us three weeks a month, because he said per his divorce he got his daughters the last week of every month. He has a job where he works from home so it was easy for him to come stay with us. I decided to move back home so we didn’t have a long distance relationship. When I moved back we lived together. But told him I needed to meet his daughter since we were getting serious and just found out I was pregnant. He agreed and said he would speak with his ex wife. He came home when I was six months pregnant the day after a great huge family and friends thanksgiving, and told me he was still married and his wife thought he was living with his mom and they were separated. I immediately told him he had to go, kicked him out and never took him back. I also never reached out to his wife, as she is a teacher where my children went to school. Furthermore that is his place to tell her.

 

Fast forward to our daughter being born. He was around until she was four months old and he was ordered to pay support. He was seeing her twice a week, and had since reconciled with his wife. He had tried to get back with me on numerous occasions. Since our daughter is still an infant he does all visitation at my house. He has attempted to kiss me sleep with me and even tries to discuss a relationship. I turn it down, and then he will text me about it. All while mind you he has reconciled with his wife.

 

Here is the unknown:

 

Does his wife know we had a child?

 

We settled out side of court so he pays me outside of court, is it possible she doesn’t know? She does know I took him to court because she was present when he was served paperwork. But did he lie to her?

 

His wife doesn’t know he’s been here to see our daughter because I asked him when he was last here to see her, and he hasn’t been back since.

 

Is it possible she has NO clue. They only live ten minutes from me, and this situation has caused me to not want to go out in public, although I feel I have nothing to be ashamed of as I was just as duped as her. I’m afraid to go to holiday parties at school for my children in fear i will see her and she does know who I am

 

When we met and dated 8 years ago he was the director of admissions at the university I was a student at. Faculty to members and such knew we were together. However when he told me the truth this time around he informed me he has even for 15 years.

 

What should I do? I’m not a mean and confrontational person, telling his wife isn’t an option, I would be so afraid to do so. But is it possible he is still keeping all of this a secret?

[Seraphim]

Absolutely he’s keeping you and the baby in secret . Getting divorced and paying his wife child support and half of what he has is going to cost him way more money than what he ever pays you . So you and your child will be the dirty little secret forever . Personally he doesn’t sound like much of a catch I would give him the kick to the curb . You don’t know how many girlfriends and other kids he has out there .

[confused1206]

Thank you Seraphim... this is something I often wondered if he has other children out there. And I am I quite certain there are other women. During one of his visits he asked me to pass him his phone, and there were texts from another woman that she took photos of her legs and such. It really just all makes me sick to know that he involved me in such absurdity. I don’t know exactly how to cut him off being that we have a daughter. I sent him a text a couple days ago, told him he needed to keep our conversation strictly about our daughter, and his response was “ so I guess no more D, and I can’t come see you tomorrow”. He genuinely doesn’t care and has put me in an awful position. I do wish his wife knew, however I feel it isn’t my place to tell her. It all really just hurts.

[Seraphim]

I imagine it does. completely avoid any entanglement with him . Make this only about your daughter and only about her .

[confused1206]

I imagine it does. completely avoid any entanglement with him . Make this only about your daughter and only about her .

 

I completely agree. And trust me I’ve tried. The only way he sees her is if he’s trying to sleep with me. And I just seriously can’t stand it. Just genuinely makes me feel sorry for his wife that she’s got essentially no idea who she is married to

[Seraphim]

I would hazard to guess she probably knows something . While letting him see his daughter as she grows up hopefully she can also avoid finding out who her father really is ( character wise I mean ).

[Fudgie]

She probably knows and chooses to ignore. Can you really blame her? I can't. I would say continue to get the child support you're owed and focus on your daughter. Maybe in the future you can meet a good man you want to spend your life with and he can adopt her.

[confused1206]

I would hazard to guess she probably knows something . While letting him see his daughter as she grows up hopefully she can also avoid finding out who her father really is ( character wise I mean ).

 

Right. That is a concern of mine. He has two other children. Surely I will tell my daughter the truth when she is much much older. But what if she wants to find them, or even him. That is the part that I hate. How do I handle it for my daughter. Everyone in my life tries to encourage me telling his wife. But I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. They tell me I’m not sticking up for myself or my daughter. But it scares me. He obviously has everyone in his life fooled. So why would they even believe me? And what would be the point in telling them other than to expose him, but that doesn’t mean he will stop. It’s all very confusing. I’m not even sure what to do with it all.

[Seraphim]

Right. That is a concern of mine. He has two other children. Surely I will tell my daughter the truth when she is much much older. But what if she wants to find them, or even him. That is the part that I hate. How do I handle it for my daughter. Everyone in my life tries to encourage me telling his wife. But I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. They tell me I’m not sticking up for myself or my daughter. But it scares me. He obviously has everyone in his life fooled. So why would they even believe me? And what would be the point in telling them other than to expose him, but that doesn’t mean he will stop. It’s all very confusing. I’m not even sure what to do with it all.

Not getting your daughter embroiled in all kinds of drama is helping your daughter . When she’s old enough to know just tell her who her father is and she has siblings and if she wants to find them you’ll help her .

[confused1206]

Not getting your daughter embroiled in all kinds of drama is helping your daughter . When she’s old enough to know just tell her who her father is and she has siblings and if she wants to find them you’ll help her .

 

Thank you and I agree which is why I have not told his wife. My daughter out of anybody in this situation did nothing wrong. I don’t want her to be a sense on contention, because then maybe she won’t be perceived in a positive light when and if she decides to find them one day. I can’t control what they do or what he does or who he chooses to be honest with or how he handles his life. All I can control is me and what I do, and that is to live honestly, and tell her nothing but the truth. So much as I dread that day, I’m sure over the years I’ll be ready for it.

[j.man]

You treat it like any other separated parent situation. He pays child support and visits the child as court mandated (should he choose to). You write him off as a romantic prospect. What his wife knows or doesn't know isn't your business.

[Seraphim]

Thank you and I agree which is why I have not told his wife. My daughter out of anybody in this situation did nothing wrong. I don’t want her to be a sense on contention, because then maybe she won’t be perceived in a positive light when and if she decides to find them one day. I can’t control what they do or what he does or who he chooses to be honest with or how he handles his life. All I can control is me and what I do, and that is to live honestly, and tell her nothing but the truth. So much as I dread that day, I’m sure over the years I’ll be ready for it.

 

This is all you can do . Just be honest with your daughter and protect her as best you can .

[confused1206]

She probably knows and chooses to ignore. Can you really blame her? I can't. I would say continue to get the child support you're owed and focus on your daughter. Maybe in the future you can meet a good man you want to spend your life with and he can adopt her.

 

Thanks so much! This is what I’m hoping for. I know she will be better off without being involved in a mess.

[DimCrayola]

I am sorry this happened to you. It takes a real piece of work who feels entitled to do this to multiple women. You aren't acting out and seeking to further inflame the situation by telling his wife and good for you. Sure friends and family may give you advice on what to do but only YOU know what is right for you and your daughter.

 

As someone who grew up with a father who had a whole other family I felt really disposable...and struggled with knowing there were half brothers and sisters out there who knew nothing of my existence. BUT I always appreciated that my mother didn't talk negatively about my father. I came to my own conclusions and she just told me the truth and answered my questions as I had them.

 

You seem like a strong intelligent woman and when it comes to raising I child I have no doubt your daughter will grow up much like you.

[confused1206]

I am sorry this happened to you. It takes a real piece of work who feels entitled to do this to multiple women. You aren't acting out and seeking to further inflame the situation by telling his wife and good for you. Sure friends and family may give you advice on what to do but only YOU know what is right for you and your daughter.

 

As someone who grew up with a father who had a whole other family I felt really disposable...and struggled with knowing there were half brothers and sisters out there who knew nothing of my existence. BUT I always appreciated that my mother didn't talk negatively about my father. I came to my own conclusions and she just told me the truth and answered my questions as I had them.

 

You seem like a strong intelligent woman and when it comes to raising I child I have no doubt your daughter will grow up much like you.

 

Wow... hearing from someone in that exact position means so much to me. I wouldn’t ever bad mouth her father, as he was once my true love. Although his intentions weren’t pure with me, mine were with him. I do worry she will grow up with a a complex, however all I can do is be there for her and support her and whatever she decides to do to come to terms with the situation. I do know that it won’t be easy, but being a parent is difficult in its own. I know she will be just as strong as me

 

Is there a way you can you possibly send me a private message? I have personal questions that maybe you won’t want to expose the answer to, and I don’t know how to really work this app.

[mtnbiker]

Since he gives you the heebie-jeebies, and there's no hope of reconciliation, you should take him to court and get court-ordered payments.

If he dies suddenly, you will have a hard time trying to get his #1 woman to part with any of his estate (if he has one). And could you blame her?

It's not your fault you were played by a fool. Go get what's yours.

Good luck.

[confused1206]

Since he gives you the heebie-jeebies, and there's no hope of reconciliation, you should take him to court and get court-ordered payments.

If he dies suddenly, you will have a hard time trying to get his #1 woman to part with any of his estate (if he has one). And could you blame her?

It's not your fault you were played by a fool. Go get what's yours.

Good luck.

 

This is very true. And something I have thought about that if everything is court ordered it’s better.

[MissCanuck]

I would absolutely get a court order in place. If anything happens to you or her father, you will be grateful to have the law on your daughter's side.

[Fudgie]

Definitely go through the courts so you can get the child money you are entitled to. That way you don't have to deal with him and you finally move on.