azureskye Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 It's late at night and I've just finished crying for 8 hours straight. While reflecting on all of my most recent triggers: I still can't find a good job after 10 years of searching, my almost perfect relationship just ended, my friends are tired of dealing with my depression and told me not to call anymore, my family lives over 1000 miles away, and I'm completely alone. I've been suffering from Major Depressive Disorder for as long as I can remember. Almost everyday I feel like I don't deserve to live. I have spoken to my counselor - that didn't help I'm on antidepressant medication- that didn't help I've called the emergency crisis line- that didn't help I've tried snapping my wrists with rubber bands- that didn't help I've been institutionalized many times- that didn't help I've tried praying, meditating, going for a walk, listening to music, watching a movie, reading, playing games...none of which help. All I have left is my favorite knife with the really sharp blade. After 8 hours of fighting the urge, I cannot fight anymore. About 10 minutes later I'm left with 6 bloody slices on my arm. They hurt. They burn. No doubt they will leave horrible scars just like last time. But for some reason, I feel so much better now. I'm confident enough to ignore the pain on my arm and the bleeding doesn't bother me. I know it isn't right but what else do I have? I don't know why cutting is the only thing that helps me deal with my depression but as long as it works, I'm going to keep doing it. Is there anyone else out there in my situation? Have any of you found some miracle that helped you to stop? Link to comment
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