Girl said, "I don't know what I want."... Is this rejection?

[carolina55]

Backstory: Been casually dating for six months now and have yet to find a woman who I honestly felt I could form a relationship with. I met a young woman a week ago, and half way through the second date I realized I was smitten by her. She had a lot of qualities I look for and I knew I could see myself pursuing something with her. However, she dropped into conversation the fact that she got out of a two year relationship only two months ago - not the ideal time frame.

 

We had a great evening together, kissed some, and then when we were parting ways, I asked her, "So, what is it you're looking for?"

 

Her: "I'm glad you asked. I really just don't know what I want right now and I don't want to lead you on. It has nothing to do with you. I'm just not looking for anything serious."

 

Then she kissed me heavily on the lips, and said, "see you soon!" I was confused to say the least, and the next day had a sinking feeling in my chest that this wasn't going to go the way I wanted. I waited 36 hours and then texted her something light and funny. She waited 36 hours to text me back and said:

 

"I had a great time with you and I'm really attracted to you. But I just don't know what I want right now and I don't want to waste your time."

 

I took this as her very nice way of saying she wasn't interested. I texted her back something along the lines of, "That's disappointing but I respect that. You've been a breath of fresh air and if you figure out what you want, feel free to drop me a line."

 

I personally think I handled it the right way. My best friend on the other hand thinks I misread her text and that I should have "slow gamed" it and "played it cool." I'm not keen on playing that game with a girl I know that I like. Not to mention that that approach has never worked out for me in the past. But is there any truth to what he is saying?

[MovieGuy18]

May or may not be a rejection. Take it as such and go no contact.

[pippy longstocking]

I don't think you misread her texts and I am glad you are not going to carry it on , you have done the right thing .

[Krankor]

I think your best friend has been watching too many YouTube dating gurus. What the hell is "slow game" anyway?

 

I mean, I'm not above "playing your cards" right. I personally wouldn't have asked "so what are you looking for?" If things were going well I would have just contacted her two or three days later and asked her out again without the subtle pressure.

 

So, yeah, I think you could have answered back "Hey that's cool. No expectations, let's just have fun" to see how she reacts. But there was really nothing wrong with the route you took either. You spoke your truth and put the ball in her court. Who knows, she may even contact you again.

[carolina55]

I think your best friend has been watching too many YouTube dating gurus. What the hell is "slow game" anyway?

 

I mean, I'm not above "playing your cards" right. I personally wouldn't have asked "so what are you looking for?" If things were going well I would have just contacted her two or three days later and asked her out again without the subtle pressure.

 

So, yeah, I think you could have answered back "Hey that's cool. No expectations, let's just have fun" to see how she reacts. But there was really nothing wrong with the route you took either. You spoke your truth and put the ball in her court. Who knows, she may even contact you again.

 

Right, and since my friend brought that up, I texted her back the following:

 

"Just so I understand, I interpreted your text as meaning you don't want to continue seeing each other. Is that correct?"

 

She confirmed that was indeed her meaning. Though I don't know if she's saying that only to continue with the frame I set with my text.

[katrina1980]

Krankor, "slow game" is PUA lingo.

 

It basically means acting laid back, not needy, keeping interactions chill.

 

And of course continuing to keep options open and dating other women.

 

All in an effort to increase attraction, and get her chasing you.

 

Or just more responsive.

 

Personally I think the route the OP took was way too intense.

 

I'd be running from that myself. I tend to like a bit of uncertainty in the very early stages.

 

Intrigues me which increases my attraction.

 

It was honest though, which is good, but a bit too much, too soon.

 

My opinion, other women may love it!

[ThatwasThen]

You could have probably turned this into an eff - buddy dynamic if you wanted but I think that you did the right thing since you fell "smitten" right away. I suspect that had you gotten into something casual with her, you would have shredded your own heart so ya, you did it the right way FOR YOU. Don't second guess yourself... its all good.

[carolina55]

You could have probably turned this into an eff - buddy dynamic if you wanted but I think that you did the right thing since you fell "smitten" right away. I suspect that had you gotten into something casual with her, you would have shredded your own heart so ya, you did it the right way FOR YOU. Don't second guess yourself... its all good.

 

Yeah, been there done that. And it left a deep cut. Part of why I was so quick to draw a line in the sand was because of my bad history with that eff-buddy arrangement.

[ThatwasThen]

Yeah, been there done that. And it left a deep cut. Part of why I was so quick to draw a line in the sand was because of my bad history with that eff-buddy arrangement.

Well then, be proud of yourself for adhering to what is a very good personal boundary for you. I think that those that actually know what they want don't waste time and usually find what they are looking for in short time.

 

Good luck in your next adventure in dating.

[carolina55]

Krankor, "slow game" is PUA lingo.

 

It basically means acting laid back, not needy, keeping interactions chill.

 

And of course continuing to keep options open and dating other women.

 

All in an effort to increase attraction, and get her chasing you.

 

Or just more responsive.

 

Personally I think the route the OP took was way too intense.

 

I'd be running from that myself. I tend to like a bit of uncertainty in the very early stages.

 

Intrigues me which increases my attraction.

 

It was honest though, which is good, but a bit too much, too soon.

 

My opinion, other women may love it!

 

Right, but would you not agree that this woman was giving me plenty of signals that said, "don't expect much of anything from me."

 

She also told me, "I don't want anything serious, but I also don't want anything casual."

 

Not trying to contradict your advice, but I just don't know what else she was giving me to work with.

[katrina1980]

OP, it's anyone's guess what her first text meant in response to your question "what are you looking for"?

 

I suppose it was an innocent enough question, not too needy or anything,

 

The thing is though is that you kind of put her on the spot.

 

I know for me, after a great date with a man and feeling lots of chemistry, I like to go home and let it all marinate in my brain for a bit.

 

Frankly, can't say for sure right at that moment what I want.

 

If asked that question during or at end of a first meet or date, my response might be "I don't really know just yet, can we just take this one day at a time and see what happens?" I would have felt a bit of pressure being asked that question on first date.

 

My x asked me on the second date if I dated "one at a time" or multi-dated. I responded one at a time, still not knowing right then and there what I wanted to happen.

 

All I knew is that I was amazingly attracted to him and wanted to continue seeing him.

 

I would never tell a man so early on I was looking for something serious.

 

I would tell him I wasn't before telling him I was.

 

It's just too soon for that type of conversation, in my opinion.

 

So I understand her response.

[ThatwasThen]

I tell all men to steer clear of women who don't know what they want.

 

If a woman has a dating goal in mind then she is likely to meet that goal. A rudderless ship has no destination.

 

To each their own but I do give that advice to guys who come here and get with a woman that isn't sure of her goal.

[katrina1980]

What I am trying to figure out is, how on earth can anyone know what they want (with that person which is how that question comes across) after one date?

 

OP, had you not been so smitten, would you have asked her that same question?

 

I am thinking not.

 

You asked because you fell hard for her during that date and your question was your way of asking her if she felt the same.

 

Yes? No?

 

If yes, it was too mch too soon.

 

Your friend is right in a way.

 

Best to be chill on these first few dates.

 

Let her wonder a bit, it does increase attraction and also builds some tension..

 

Which is a good thing, don't push it!

 

Kiss of death in these early stages.

[Krankor]

OP, I don't believe in "playing games" or following some PUA playbook. That said, certain things just aren't a great idea. In the future I wouldn't ask a question like "so what are you looking for" again. As Katrina said it is likely to put her on the spot. It may take more than one date for her to know. I mean, if she wants to get into a serious relationship with you after one date that's actually kind of weird.

 

However, after several dates if you are feeling like you want more and she still has a case of the "I don't know what I wants" then it's probably time to move on.

[katrina1980]

OP, I don't believe in "playing games" or following some PUA playbook. That said, certain things just aren't a great idea. In the future I wouldn't ask a question like "so what are you looking for" again. As Katrina said it is likely to put her on the spot. It may take more than one date for her to know. I mean, if she wants to get into a serious relationship with you after one date that's actually kind of weird.

 

However, after several dates if you are feeling like you want more and she still has a case of the "I don't know what I wants" then it's probably time to move on.

 

Great post Krankor, not to mention how many guys run for hills after a woman tells him she's looking for something "serious" after first date.

 

Even when HE asks!

 

She may have had that experience so she acts chill so as to "not" scare him off.

 

Little did she know OP would run because she "doesn't" want something serious after FIRST date.

 

Or doesn't know what she wants after first date, which in my opinion is quite healthy and "normal".

 

It takes dating someone for awhile and getting to know each other, before knowing what you want.

[carolina55]

So to be fair, I only asked because she had hinted earlier in the night that she didn't know what she was looking for, and that we may be on different tracks. I also prefaced the question with, "Not to make things heavy but..." and she cut me off saying, "No no! Ask me!"

 

I also didn't tell her that I was looking for something serious. I said, "I'm just looking to date and see what happens" or something along those lines.

 

Also: We met on Bumble. That question seems more appropriate when meeting through a dating app than meeting in other ways, imo.

 

But I also see where everyone is coming from.

[katrina1980]

Thanks for the additional info.

 

So she encouraged you to ask, only to respond with she doesn't know what she wants, but doesn't want to lead you on and is not looking for anything serious.

 

After which she kisses you passionately, then in her next text, tells you how attracted she is to you and once again tells you she doesn't want anything serious.

 

Do I have this right?

 

If so, I've changed my mind.

 

After reading your first post again, and apologies for the flip flop, but me thinks she "doth protests too much" and is playing games.

 

I mean how many times does she need to tell you she's not looking for anything serious? A bit of over-kill. Geez.

 

While at the same time telling you how attracted she is to you?

 

Talk about a mixed message!

 

Your friend was so right.

 

You keep a girl like this as an option, don't take her seriously.

 

However given how smitten you are, you probably did the right thing by walking away.

 

Just out of curiosity, what was her response to your last text?

 

What a mind f***.

[SoulTaker]

Thanks for the additional info.

 

So she encouraged you to ask, only to respond with she doesn't know what she wants, but doesn't want to lead you on and is not looking for anything serious.

 

After which she kisses you passionately, then in her next text, tells you how attracted she is to you and once again tells you she doesn't want anything serious.

 

Do I have this right?

 

If so, I've changed my mind.

 

After reading your first post again, and apologies for the flip flop, but me thinks she "doth protests too much" and is playing games.

 

I mean how many times does she need to tell you she's not looking for anything serious? A bit of over-kill. Geez.

 

While at the same time telling you how attracted she is to you?

 

Talk about a mixed message!

 

I agree. This all occurs when someone (e.g Op) makes too much of a 1st/2nd date and starts projecting things. Keep the conversation lite on the 1st date and then see if there will be a 2nd date.

 

Op, 1st dates can be tricky. She can be telling you how great you are, while at the same time planning her exit strategy.

[carolina55]

I agree. This all occurs when someone (e.g Op) makes too much of a 1st/2nd date and starts projecting things. Keep the conversation lite on the 1st date and then see if there will be a 2nd date.

 

Op, 1st dates can be tricky. She can be telling you how great you are, while at the same time planning her exit strategy.

 

This conversation happened at the end of the second date, so about a cumulative of 3-5 hours together. All the other conversation had been light and fun, other than some brief discussion about past relationships.

[carolina55]

Thanks for the additional info.

 

So she encouraged you to ask, only to respond with she doesn't know what she wants, but doesn't want to lead you on and is not looking for anything serious.

 

After which she kisses you passionately, then in her next text, tells you how attracted she is to you and once again tells you she doesn't want anything serious.

 

Do I have this right?

 

If so, I've changed my mind.

 

After reading your first post again, and apologies for the flip flop, but me thinks she "doth protests too much" and is playing games.

 

I mean how many times does she need to tell you she's not looking for anything serious? A bit of over-kill. Geez.

 

While at the same time telling you how attracted she is to you?

 

Talk about a mixed message!

 

Your friend was so right.

 

You keep a girl like this as an option, don't take her seriously.

 

However given how smitten you are, you probably did the right thing by walking away.

 

Just out of curiosity, what was her response to your last text?

 

What a mind f***.

 

She was very appreciative of what I said to her. Honestly it seemed like she was receiving a lot of ego gratification from the whole thing.

[katrina1980]

This conversation happened at the end of the second date, so about a cumulative of 3-5 hours together. All the other conversation had been light and fun, other than some brief discussion about past relationships.

 

You didn't answer my earlier question.

 

What was her response to your last text telling her she's been a "breath of fresh air" (really?) and to drop you a line when she figures out what she wants?

 

Did she respond to that text?

[carolina55]

You didn't answer my earlier question.

 

What was her response to your last text telling her she's been a "breath of fresh air" (really?) and to drop you a line when she figures out what she wants?

 

Did she respond to that text?

 

Yeah I did in my other post just now.

 

She said, "Thank you! That's really nice to hear. I appreciate it. Glad I could be a breath of fresh air

[katrina1980]

She was very appreciative of what I said to her. Honestly it seemed like she was receiving a lot of ego gratification from the whole thing.

 

Sorry missed this earlier and agree with your assessment.

 

Attention, ego boost and validation.

 

I'm glad you walked away.