Just found out my entire relationship was a lie

[jkelly1979]

Ok, Long story short....

 

I met a guy online ( me in Texas, he in illinois), began a great relationship, and he came to visit many times. The relationship ran its course and I finally ended it after 2 1/2 years because of his non-commital. Well, after doing some not-that-out-of-the-normal-psycho-exgirlfriend stuff, I cracked his email password and discovered he had another woman. After confronting him, turns out he had been married for 6 years. I want to tell her, but he has made it clear that he is willing to pay for my silence. I am still young, and I will get over it, telling her would ruin his life....should I take advantage of this? If so, what is just and fair?

 

jkelly1979

[Eric f]

think if u were in this womens postition, would you want to know? even if it would destroy him. i know id want to know if my women was cheating.

but this is all up to you.

[QTpie87]

Ok, well I would say that if I were that girl I would want to know about this. who knows how many other girls he has or will cheat on her with and Who cares if it will mess his life up! look what he did to you and even worse to his wife. He doesn't deserve to have her or you if he's gonna be doing that. Plus the deal he is making you is called briding, which by exepting it you would both be breaking the law big time. You for blackmail, and him for bribery. I wouldn't wanna be in that mess, would you? it just makes things worse. IF i were you I would tell the wife what is going on, Of course when he isn't there. And get out of the situation right away weither she believes you or not.

Qtpie87

[annie24]

hmmm.... how much exactly is he willing to pay? I'm just curious to see what kind of a price tag he's putting on a 2.5 year lie.

 

Anyways, I think you should take a week or two or three before you take any actions. Do you want to tell his wife out of principle (that she should know what's going on), or to get back at him. I would want to know that someone's been cheating on me for 2.5 years. Perhaps she already knows, have you thought about that?

 

If you decide to tell her, remember, she may not believe you. He may convince her that you're just some crazy girl that's obsessed with him and he has no idea what you're talking about. Or, she may get mad at you.

 

What is it you want to accomplish by telling her? Like I said, I think she has a right to know what her husband's been up to. But, be sure the reasons of why you are doing this.

 

good luck!

[QTpie87]

Im sorry but i don't agree with superma99. I think the fact that he is willing to pay to get her off his back is just a way of getting her out of the picture so there isn't any guilt and he wont have to face up to what he did. It's a chicken thing to do. He will just go out and find another girl to cheat on her with and be more careful not to be caught next time.

My mom used to date cheaters, not exactly the same situation, but I say once a cheater always a cheater.

[DN]

Taking money for your silence would be ethically wrong - it may also be illegal. It could very easily be made to look like blackmail.

 

Be very careful how you proceed.

[QTpie87]

WEll sorry if i offended you. that wasn't my intention at all, I just used what you said to get a point accross. YOur opinon matters too, but thanks for respecting my opinon too.

Qtpie87

[jkelly1979]

Thanks for the responses, oddly enough, I do not seek vengence against him and I think telling her would be an act of vengence. I just don't think I can let it go without him having to suffer.

[jkelly1979]

....besides the supposed guilt he'll live with.

[QTpie87]

ok, well I know you want to get back at him. who wouldn't. But don't tell the girl because of that, not just to make him suffer, that would be mean and lower you to his leavel. ONly tell to save that girl a little (well a lot in the long run) of hurting.

[jkelly1979]

You can ask me anything you need to know to help you help me

[jkelly1979]

Exactly, I just want him to have a tangible reminder of his lies and deception.

[Softmoonlight]

I would want to know if it was me! Send her an anonymous letter to her work or something telling her what has happened.

 

Trust me, I would SO want to know if I was her.

 

Shawna

[DN]

Thanks for the responses, oddly enough, I do not seek vengence against him and I think telling her would be an act of vengence. I just don't think I can let it go without him having to suffer.

 

Making him suffer is what vengeance means.

[lady00]

First off, definitely don't take any money from him. It's illegal to take money from someone in exchange for keeping a secret about him. He may be offering money to you as a ploy to get you in trouble with the law and out of his life for good. I'm inclined to say forget about him and his wife. Just get him out of your life for good and don't bother breaking the news to his wife...it's not your job to tell her that her husband is a cheater and a liar...and chances are she won't believe you. He will probably be able to convince her that you are lying. After all...she will probably choose to believe her husband over a person she doesn't know. My advice is...bottom line: walk away.

[RainaBabe]

I agree with lady00 completely. Walk away.

[Spirits Away]

Perhaps I'm a heartless, not looking at the long term person. But I think if things were intentional on his part, he deserves it. Plus, ask yourself if your husband were to cheat on you, would you want to know about it. That 2 points would emerage an answer for you. unless it's a conflicting answer. Besides, she would probably have felt it already if the guy have any sense of guilt.

[nikki19]

From what you wrote, it does not sound like this guy has any remorse so let's assume he has and continues to cheat on his wife with multiple women. His wife could be at risk of contracting an STD, as could you. That's some serious stuff. I think the wife has a right to know and that she would want to know. What worries me though is that this guy knows where you live, and could possibly make your life difficult if you ratted him out. Perhaps, as someone suggested, there could be a way to let her know anonymously. I'm sorry that you have been put in this dilemma. This is a tough decision. I'd definetly not take the bribe if I were you, you're better than that. Good luck.

[jkelly1979]

Alright guys,

 

First, Thank you so much for the honest advice. I appreciate it and have taken it to heart. I talked to the POO FACE today and told him of my moral/ethical delimma and ahe assured me that he would in no way come after me for this..that he has made his bed, and still feels he must make it up to me. I think I'm gonna ask for a trip to Hawaii....any thoughts?

[birdgirl]

When I told my ex's secret girlfriend, she and I sort of bonded, and she was thankful that I told her.

 

My biggest fear isn't that a guy will cheat, but that a guy will cheat and keep me hanging on for years. I would want to be told, rather than kept in the dark.

[DN]

Alright guys,

 

First, Thank you so much for the honest advice. I appreciate it and have taken it to heart. I talked to the POO FACE today and told him of my moral/ethical delimma and ahe assured me that he would in no way come after me for this..that he has made his bed, and still feels he must make it up to me. I think I'm gonna ask for a trip to Hawaii....any thoughts?

 

Frankly, I think that if you accept any bribe to keep quiet about this then you are at least as morally wrong as he is.

[miracle29]

Take the money, then tell her. He should have thought about it before he played you. I'd take the money and actually mail it to her and let her know what a drip this man is. he doesnt need to be married if he can't keep faithful. he's married and he lied to you, she can't hate you ...you didnt know. Tell her, wouldnt you want to know.

 

P.S

if anyone knows about the man i'mwith and he's cheating on me...I WANT TO KNOW..so tell me.

 

That is really how i feel, i want to know. I'm starting to really think that all married men cheat.

 

he has some nerve,, 2/1/2 years with you. You being young means nothing. You still lost two years of yourlife.Screw him, spill the beans, she deserves to know what a creep she's with.

[loner]

Trip to hawaii....hmmn sounds intersting and fun...

But if he can pay his way out of this, then I think he is the luckiest guy ever.

 

What are you thinking.... I hate to point the obvious but incase you haven't realised it yet, you know that he is basically paying you for your services rendered (not the best position to be in)

You mentioned you are young and this does not bother you that much, but the information that you withhold is of grave importance and you should atleast consider all the angles before taking a decision. I am assuming that you go to uni or something, normally they have a legal advisor on campus that you can go and ask for advice which in this case is quite important if you are considering to accept money. As someone mentioned he might be setting you up(a little far fetched but who knows......quite possible)

 

 

Or you could do what i would have in your situation, i would ask him for money and tell his wife about it so that she can bust him herself and know exactly whats going on. With the sort of technology that there is thesedays this would not be hard.

 

Anyway i guess thats just me....

Hope whatever you decide it is a responsible decision after giving it enough thought.

[daburazard]

You could accept the money then tell her anonomously

 

Since he hurt you

 

(no, just kidding)

 

But if you let her know, she will only get hurt!

 

 

[stressed1]

Hi,

 

Ok I am in a similar position, some of u on here will know my story well (if not search under stressed1), though we havn't split.

 

My view on this is that it is always the 3rd party's right to tell other partner, a right given to them by the married person having the affair in the first place. if it didnt take place, no story to tell.

 

its up to the married person to realise that he made a mistake getting married, has to realise this and get out having found someone else. simple as that. to crawl back is abusive, unethical and down right sick.

 

dont bother take or discuss the money, he sounds a worthless piece of sh** anyway. tell the wife or get him to. simple as that.

 

of couerse she could know and just not care? or just heavily suspect!