Trying to cope, when living with ex

[lonelyfriend]

Hi everyone,

 

I just feel I need to share with everyone what I feel, even if there's no easy answer (having browsed other threads I feel that there isn't.)

 

I have been in a relationship with a great girl for 5 1/2 years now, since we were both 17. A few things went wrong on my part, which slowly led to the poisoning of our happiness. The first was my addiction to internet porn, which killed our sex life, and made me frustrated with her not looking how I thought I wanted. ie overweight, breasts not large enough.

 

This really began to get to me 1.5 years ago, but I never cared enough to talk about it with her. I think I subconsciously tried to push her away from me, both physically and emotionally, although again, I wasn't a big enough man to discuss my feelings.

 

Eventually, what you would expect happened - she no longer loves me. She says she cares for me as a friend. At first, because we were still living together, although sleeping in different rooms, it didn't really hit me that we were apart - I just got on with things.

 

Then, two weeks later, she went to the USA for two weeks, as I later found, to meet a guy she had got to know online. I sent her some emotional emails explaining what I had done, and how I felt. When she came back, I met her at the airport with some flowers, and a big hug. I knew she got physical with the guy in the states, and managed to accept it. I wonder if she felt the need for some cheap quick love, to make up for the way I had made her feel. We had some tearful chats, (me more tearful than her, both both of us upset), and we ended up getting physical. We both enjoyed it, but she said it felt empty (It was a mistake and I wish I hadn't done it more than anything else - the term she used before hand was 'friends with privileges' - here's one thing I've learnt. As a guy, I thought sex without feelings wouldn't trouble me too much, but it did. That act completely messed me up again, as it obviously meant far more to me than it did for her).

 

I own the house we live in, and she pays me a small-ish rent as she has for the last 8 months. She is in the final year of an MSc course. I discussed with her that perhaps she should move out, as it would simplify my feelings. She said quietly that if I wanted, she would leave. After thinking this over, seeing as I have feelings for her as a friend, how can I simplify my life by throwing her out, without considering the practical difficulties for her? Surely that is what friendship is about - putting other people before yourself.

 

What really cuts me up is that she says that at the moment she wants to be single (which I can understand, as I had been a pretty cruel partner for the last year or two). I can hear her at night chatting to this guy on MSN and voice-over-ip, and know that sometimes she tells him what she feels - I do not know whether she loves him, she just says she needs to be single. I just have this overwhelming desire to know everything she feels, but I have managed so far to resist anything too bad spying-wise.

 

Worst is that seeing her every day, I end up on the emotion rollercoaster. Every time she speaks to me, or touches me, I read that she wants me back, every time I see her crying, I hope she misses me.

 

I've poured out my heart to her for the last four days, crying together, cuddling, and expressing what I did, but at the moment she says nothing can happen. I asked her if she could tell me if the future was closed for us, and she said that honestly, she didn't know. Whether that is her way of saying 'no', I am not sure - I did ask her to tell me the truth, and say no if she meant no. But, who knows..

 

I keep trying to be strong, and avoid talking to her about how weak I feel. I haven't cried in front of her for the last day or two, but I have kept discussing my feelings. My heart tells me that if I can explain to her how badly I treated her and why, she'll forgive me. She says that she has forgiven me now, but just doesn't feel for me any more.

 

I know if I keep trying to court her right now, that I'll end up pushing her further into the arms of this guy, or at least further away, and eventually I will lose her as a friend. But I just can't seem to control my feelings right now. Now when I look at her, I only feel longing, and realise that if I stop comparing her with pornstars, she's utterly beautiful and dear to me.

 

I try to convince myself to go on holiday for a week or something to get out of here, but I know I will end up spending the time being miserable somewhere else.

 

Any helpful tips?

 

David

[mrmaguire]

Dear David,

 

First, my condolences. Experiencing heartache is one of the most painful things about living but at the same time - an incredible opportunity for growth.

 

I'll give you some thoughts and then suggestions.

 

You had a relationship that went sour when you made some mistakes and had unrealistic expectations for your girlfriend. It hurt her deeply and she's built a wall. Sometimes such walls can be removed. Sometimes not.

 

When a person feels rejected in a relationship (which obviously, she did), it requires the desire from both partners to mend the wounds. It sounds as though she has moved on while you're still regretting your mistakes and hoping she'll forgive and forget. But if the other person has another romantic possibility on the horizon - it makes the "forgiving and forgetting" all that much harder.

 

My suggestions:

 

1) Love yourself and forgive yourself. What impressed me was your admitting that you made mistakes and you acknowledged them. This is huge. It's worth noticing because so many relationships die because someone can't admit they made some mistakes. You did. Now is the time to forgive yourself.

 

2) Don't allow the interaction between you and your ex-girlfriend to plummet into an area of guilt-ridden punishment. (i.e.: "I'll allow her to rehash all my mistakes repeatedly because I really was a jerk...") This serves no one. Instead, straighten up, my friend, and say, "I did make some mistakes but now I realize how damaging my choices were and how they affected someone I loved very much. The next relationship will be different." I'd even use such words with her. This will let her know a) You recognized what happened and own it and b) You're looking forward to the next relationship, believing you deserve another opportunity to love.

 

3) Get out and do stuff. Hang out with your friends, family, co-workers - whomever. Connect more with other people. Learn new stuff. Get involved with life. It's a big world out there and the more you obsess over the past, the more you'll miss out on the joy of today. Each day is a gift. What are you doing to celebrate?

 

4) It does get better. At the risk of sounding like a powdery old granny, I will still say that time does heal wounds. As you love yourself and celebrate your life in all ways, you will start to gain the confidence that you are a person worth being in a relationship with and will send that message loud and clear to the next awesome girl. As Winston Churchill said, "Never give up. Never, never, never, never, never...."

 

You get the idea. Hang in there and enjoy your today.

[skeeter]

David,

 

Coming from experience of livng with Ex which I've done myself is mentally unhealthy for both of you. Your Ex can show it doesn't effect her like it does to you because she has lost her feelings for you and has moved on.

 

You on the other hand with being near her are doing exactly what all hurt people want to do and that is to dwell on our mistakes and as long as they are in your sight what can you do to make it up to them.

 

The truth of it is. She needs to feel the loss of you before she will ever gain any feelings back. Wanting something we can't have is what triggers those feelings. You should let her go or ask her to move out. It will give you the chance to either heal and be happy independently as well as give her time to be independent and adjust to not being around you.

 

If she keeps in touch with you when she is on her own it will be for you to decide on what you want. Definitely don't smother her in apologies. She knows you still love her and she doesn't need to hear that from you.

 

If she wants to be your friend let her prove it to you. I am in a far worse prediciment and my Ex's friendship is not a friendship, its a dependency. She depended on me for 21 years and still does. But I am tired of being called to tend to her needy things for the sake of being near her or for the friendship she calls it.

 

Some times your damned if u do and damned if u don't. But the truth is I know what I want and you probably know what you want. It's something we both can't have right now. But we can both let go and move on and build our independence towards liking ourselves for who we are and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

You have a whole life ahead of you. I'm not old but I am 41 and I still love my Ex but don't want to get caught in her trap. We feel lost without the person we expected to be with all our lives but, its a temporary thing. How long it takes to get over is not a known thing. Who knows we may never get over it however I am sure we will find happiness somehow someway someday when we least expect it.

 

Your Ex like my Ex aren't the ones that have been dumped on so they don't look at is wearing our shoes. Maybe your Ex and mine has looked at it before making their decisions to leave us but did they really talk to us or include us in their real honest feelings and try to open our eyes to what could happen.

 

So look at it as it will be her loss when you have regained your strenth to move on and if she wants you back before you meet someone else then you can always make a choice for yourself when your mind is free of the feelings you have for her.

 

It wouldn't be a rebirth of your relationship for the sake of insecurity. It would be something you both then can be very open to and talk about your expectations before you involved yourselves with each other again because you both are free of the feelings you had and more determined to be with each other for better reasons.

 

Good Luck to you!!! I know how you feel. Almost 3 years for me and still not healed.

[RainaBabe]

You two should be without contact for a while. To be honest, if my boyfriend treated me the way you treated her, I don't care what he did to try and make up for it, it'd be over. Someone will only take so much crap before they realize you aren't worth it. I'm not saying you aren't a worthwhile person, but not everything can be saved. Sometimes you lose, and often it's because you deserve to.

[skeeter]

RianaBabe....... It sounds almost like you are aggravated with David's situation! I think what David is looking for here is not what you would do to your boyfriend but what he should do to help himself move on.

 

You came accross as if you tend to live in a relationship as if it were your way or the highway and if someone is not on their best behavior or perfect its adios.

 

True believers in real commitment will work through all obstacles if the communication is strong. Sometimes maturity is all it takes. Maturity is not developed overnight and relationships are work to keep it together.

[lonelyfriend]

Hi Everyone, and thanks for your kind replies.

 

mrmaguire: You're quite right in saying that I've learnt, and that the experience has changed me. Regardless of how stupid I feel, and how many things I did wrong, I know now what they were, and not to make those mistakes again. I'd do anything to go back a year, and slap my past self, but.. Thanks for your kind words.

 

Skeeter: Well, having spoken to a few of my friends, they've tried to tell me the same thing, many from the beginning. I didn't want to listen, because I've convinced myself that I could learn to live with it, for the sake of being friends with her. But I am not so sure I can, at least not right now. I find myself being eaten up by jealousy when she's talking to this guy on MSN, and it is making me ill. It keeps me awake at night, it makes me cry, and sometimes I need to get out of the house and walk for an hour or two to come back to being myself. I think I've moved on a few steps, then see her, and it all comes flooding back. I had a small chat with her, and told her what I feel, and that if I can't manage to get over it soon, she'll have to move on. I don't feel nice saying that, and worry that if we did have any chances for the future, that will end them. But I also understand that if she stays, and this keeps eating away at me, we'll end up too angry and upset with each other to have that chance anyway.

 

Rianababe: Yes, you're right too, I'm sad to say. I'm not sure that being in her shoes I'd give myself another chance. But the flip side is that having made these mistakes, and realising how much you care for someone, is that it would make you a better partner to them in the future. (if you had the chance).

 

One thing I have learnt from this is that when you're in a relationship, don't hold back. Had I managed to explain what was going wrong, and work through it together, perhaps it would have been saved. However, either of us could have tried harder, I suppose - we could have talked more and tried to discuss our problems, but we both kind of withdrew into ourselves. I'm not sure it would have been enough - perhaps I needed this shock to realise my feelings for her.

 

Who knows what the future holds. I will try to keep myself busy, and look up some old friends I haven't met for a very long time. One other relationship thing I reckon: If you're mad with the other person, it's easier. If you can find a way to pin some of the blame on them, and feel that at least 50% of it wasn't your fault, it makes you feel better. When you sit and see yourself as the idiot, and just want to make it up, it is worse.

 

Ah well. Thanks for your support, guys and gals - it's greatly appreciated!

 

David

[RainaBabe]

I recently had surgery, so I don't really care that much about how I "come accross." Sugar coating everything doesn't always help. What I say is true. Sometimes you do so much damage that you can't reasonably expect the other person to come back. My advice to him was valid. He needs to give her some time, take some time away from her, and focus on himself. If she chooses to come back, she needs to do it on her own and not out of convincing.

 

For the record, I've put up with a LOT of crap from my current boyfriend, including him breaking up with me three times for stupid reasons. However, if he breaks up with me again, that's it. There's only so much crap even I'll take from someone. Which is my whole point.

[lonelyfriend]

What you say is true.

 

While I've beaten myself up over this for more than a couple of days, something clicked in my head today, which made me realise that even if I want to start again, and she felt the same, things will make life hard for me.

 

Such as:

 

While she no doubt feels betrayed, I think I'll have trouble trusting her in future too. Every time she is on MSN, I'll think she's flirting with a new guy. Every time she goes off on holiday/business without me, I'll think she's off to meet a new guy. After all, why not, she proved she can do that before (For the record, yes, she did lie to me about why she was going). Jealousy isn't something that's worth being proud of, but hey, better than pretending you don't feel it.

 

If she comes back, I will see it that I'm the backup plan - ie she came back because things didn't work out with this guy. And I'm no longer emotionally desperate enough to be able to live with that (I think!).

 

I think I am starting to see that while my personal issues were perhaps a major part of the relationship failing, I'm not the only one that is responsible for its slow death. I think that if I can come to terms with the fact that it's over, and maybe I don't want to restart it as much as perhaps I thought, that it'll be easier for us to live together, and be friends again.

 

I think people are right - it's time for me to move on.

 

David

[skeeter]

Rainababe sorry for misunderstanding your first response. I can see your valid point here.

 

David its good you can come to terms and make a decision very quickly. I think the quicker the better. Good Luck to you buddy.