Almost 3 years and still hurting

[skeeter]

I can't imagine how long it will take to feel free and happy again. I've been separated from my Ex for nearly 3 years. The divorce was final 1 year ago.

 

I was with her for nearly 22 years and have 2 kids. Both are grown but still have some years left before they are on their own.

 

The Ex met a guy before the divorce 11 yrs younger then herself. He's a divorced guy with 2 young kids that live 3000 miles away.

 

The Ex has never admitted to anyone that he is her boyfriend. And to this day claims he is just a friend.

 

It really hurts because she keeps trying to talk to me and wanting me to be her friend and be a a part of her life but yet, she tries to manipulate me into believing its ok to be in a marriage or relationship and have opposite gender friends that you hang out with everyday. Or shall I say its ok when we were married for her to go out all weekend with another guy that was just a friend.

 

She knows very much I want her back and when she involves me in this so called friendship she wants to have with me, its always a friendship around my kids. Never to call me up and say let the 2 of us go out to dinner or do something together as friends.

 

All other times she calls me is to ask me can you fix this or fix that on my car, or in her condo or whatever. Never does the boyfriend have to lift a finger. I could say so much here but would like to stop here and see what kind of feedback I get before continuing.

 

I'm just trying to weigh out my situation and getting ideas from others here. My Ex believes the expression, "If You Love Someone Set Them Free. If They Come Back To You It's Meant To Be."

 

I'd like to hear from as many women as possible their view on this and maybe get a better understanding from a womans point of view.

[Celadon]

Hi Skeeter, sorry to hear you're in a rough patch right now.

 

Well, I'm a woman, but I'm not about to stand up for what your ex is doing, because I think she's not giving very much - just taking, from what you describe.

 

I think what you want and what she wants are different, and it's holding you back. I disagree with her that it's okay to spend a whole weekend with a guy "friend." I mean, c'mon! Get real!

 

I also don't believe that she really wants to be friends with you, at least not true friends. She "needs" your help, which is different than needing you as a person. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I think you realize it already.

 

For the sake of your kids, please stay involved with them. But see your ex as she is at this point - the mother of your children, no more. Guard your emotions and don't get sucked into her world. You don't need to fix her car, her condo or anything.

 

Please try to meet other people, pursue your interests, take up a new hobby and just get OUT there to meet some other women. I hope you can feel free and happy again soon, Skeeter.

[skeeter]

K8tie.... I can relate very well to what you are saying. I just don't understand how a person can be so mentally cruel to another. I gave her a home and let her stay home to raise the kids for 13 years before she returned to work again.

 

I totally disrespect the young guy who is only 29 and she is 41. He got involved with a married woman and played part in breaking up a family meaning not just me and my Ex but my kids as well.

 

My son is 17 and now hates the guy. My daughter is 13 and says she likes it better when he isn't around. The Ex has given the kids some relief by not spending time with him in their presense and from what my kids tell me almost hardly at all.

 

But I know its all just a matter of time that something will change again. And she will reinvite him to spend time with her at her place whether the kids like it or not.

 

She almost ignores the guy when she is around people that know her. Its a very weird thing. I don't know how the guy can be involved with her and being subject to a relationship with her in denile.

 

I think it is so wrong that it is a big secret for my kids sake. It's giving them the wrong guidance. If I got involved with someone my kids would be the first to know. If they were against it I would consider their feelings and not push them to accept. I would if very happy with the woman tell them I will spend time with her w/o involving them. If I wasn't certain about the relationship I would consider what my kids want and let go.

 

I would never get involved with a married woman to be a part of destroying a family under any circumstances. It seems like a trend in this world where older women are now seeking younger men. And these younger ones are willing to be caught up in like I mentioned earlier, a denied relationship. I consider the guy to be lying like my Ex to both of my kids giving them the wrong meaning of love and life and right from wrong.

 

Sometimes I want to approach the situation and confront the Jerk telling him he is a real lowlife to have came between Me, my wife and my kids. And him being worried about betraying my Ex by admitting to my kids he loves her and wants to be with her all the time is a man with no BALLS.

 

But again I do understand what you said and appreciate your response. I hope to get more from you and others as I continue to respond myself. Just trying to overcome all the pain and feeling so empty all the time.

[Celadon]

Yeah, I can understand what you're saying about her boyfriend. (He really is a "boy"friend isn't he? )

 

I can't imagine he really knows what's going on in his life either. It's sad that someone would accept his gf ignoring him in the company of others -- but I guess I can't judge, because I was with a man who didn't treat me well either. Love, or infatuation, makes us lose our judgment sometimes.

 

I notice that you haven't mentioned why the two of you broke up, but you said you want her back. I think that's important to consider if the reasons for your break up are still there (lack of communication? lack of forgiveness?), and if so, how you would remedy them.

 

Anyway, hang in there. I hope you get the feedback you're looking for here.

[HajiMaji]

"My Ex believes the expression, "If You Love Someone Set Them Free. If They Come Back To You It's Meant To Be." "

 

I dont know about this. Is this saying that if you come back to her then its meant to be? From a personal stand point id like to think MY ex believes this, so there still might be a possibility sometime in the future we can get back together. I just dont know though, it sorta sounds like BS.

 

Bro, i really feel for your situation. That is one rough time and i really admire how well you are talking about it. Its so hard dude, im sorry you are going through it.

 

I wish i could tell you something that could help your situation, but i dont have much wisdom to give. I feel for you though, and hang in there.

[Celadon]

"My Ex believes the expression, "If You Love Someone Set Them Free. If They Come Back To You It's Meant To Be." "

 

I dont know about this. Is this saying that if you come back to her then its meant to be? From a personal stand point id like to think MY ex believes this, so there still might be a possibility sometime in the future we can get back together. I just dont know though, it sorta sounds like BS.

 

I didn't say it earlier, but I agree with HajiMaji. Sounds like an excuse for her to do whatever she wants. That's not cool.

[skeeter]

In response to the "If You Love Someone Set Them Free"....... Yes you are right K8tie, it does sound exactly like an excuse for her to do exactly just that and that is whatever she wants.

 

As far as the reason she divorced me hmmmm, ,,,,,,, Communication was a real problem in our marriage. And through the hard times we did have our share of disagreements and maybe at times I was a bit selfish to really listen to the words she expressed and had to have it my way. But, she was very unreasonable herself.

 

Let's say most everyone is on my side knowing my Ex did wrong by me and my kids. She used sex as a weapon in our marriage. Never used it for what its real purpose serves. She will say she can live w/o it for the rest of her life.

 

So to be really honest about why she divorced me....well I'd really have to say she was probably feeling like things would never get better between us and contemplating seperation and in the midst met this other guy and took off with her feelings to seeing the grass to be greener on the other side. I really can't say her reason for divorce was for her independence and or because it was just for time to separate and see if things could change.

 

A change of heart fell into it all and made it easier for her to just do it.

[michelemybell]

Hi Skeeter,

You said in your initial post that she knows you want her back, and you do just about everything for her. And she has a honey on the side who she can have fun with. Sounds like she's having the best of both worlds without having to follow the rules like any married person does. Not fair.

 

While your ex is having her cake and eat it too, what have you done personally to get on with your own life? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you enjoying hobbies? Are you dating or at least mingling with other people in social activities? I agree with the other posters. Stop doing favors for her and giving her the benefits of marriage without her having to commit. That's not right. Have a life outside of her. Spend time with your kids but distance yourself from her socially. Let her see how well you can do without her. My favorite book on how to turn the tables on someone like your wife who is giving the runaround is Intimate Connections by David Burns. The books main point is that you will be more attractive to the person if you let go and have your own life. There is a good chance that once you do, that person will want to have a relationship again...and this time you will be in the driver's seat in the relationship. You might find out after working on yourself that you dont want her back afterall.

 

Your ex has you p-whipped and wrapped around her finger. You gotta show some balls with her. And, I think she is full of BS about the opposite gender friends. She is trying to make excuses for her behavior that is wrong.

 

Hope this helps. Take care,

Michele

[skeeter]

Michele..... I understand your message well! I will look into getting the book you mentioned. I think part of my problem as well is my financial situation and working on getting caught up on all my debts because I got so far behind do to the divorce and other things.

 

Once I feel financially stable I may find myself more at ease and able to go out and have some fun. I've always been a meterialistic type of guy or venture to say whatever I do for fun always cost money.

 

Now that I have been living my last 2 years without spending much at all I am starting to realize that material items weren't would made me happy.

 

When I go without talking to my Ex somehow, someway she gets through to me and I get stuck talking to her. She will ask why I do not return her calls and why I ignore her? I told her she has a life by choice of her own and I think it is unfair to me to be dragged into her life as someone she depends on to do things all the time for her. She says that's not what she alwasy calls me for and I told her sorry but it is.

 

She will also say to me that I can only Love her or Hate her and their is no in between. I tell her, I never hated anyone and never will. So if I dont ever talk to her it has nothing to do with hate. She will then say that she would never do that to me and cut me out of her life.

 

Anyway I do understand your point and I am always trying my best to overcome my feelings towards her. I have come a long way and I have to want to believe it will get even better. One of her most common things to throw at me is "It's always about YOU, YOU, YOU....so no matter what I do she has a way of making everything I do sound as if I am doing it for myself and that I will never change and that's why we are so different from each other and why she wanted the divorce. It's all BS to me. But I guess I do sometimes wonder to myself if I am doing or thinking of myself too much.

 

Thanks for your response Michele