Need Input! Dating someone with kids.

[Hopefulguy]

So I've been doing a little dating over the past couple of months after finally getting my legs under me from my marriage breakup. I am 51 with two great college-aged kids. Recently I went out with a lady in her late thirties a couple of times and we really hit it off. She has two boys (10 and 12) and shares custody with her ex (no drama). I find myself thinking ahead to how I'd fit into that situation if things really worked out between us. I can't see ever assume a "father" role because they already have a dad who has them 50% of the time. As for the age gap, that really shouldn't be an issue with kids because they aren't toddlers and I can objectively say I'm in the best shape of my life (and better than 90% of those who are 40). I have a few interests that I enjoy, but I'm not exactly a social butterfly who needs the freedom to be out socializing a lot. I do want to get back into a more domestic existence. And I do appreciate that it is likely that any lady I meet will have kids, but most likely well into their teens and approaching independence, if the mom is a little closer to my age.

 

Am I overthinking this? I'd really appreciate some perspective!

[KantSleep]

Hello. I guess it's a matter of whether you are OK with kids at home for a minimum of 8 years, until the youngest one goes off to college (should that happen). You do get fifty percent alone time, which is good. I don't know much about the adjustment period with younger kids (the kids getting used to you). I know I am struggling 2 years in to get along with my BF's adult daughter. She is not that into her Dad dating. There will be issues and it likely won't be a pleasure cruise (you have kids too), but I say continue along with budding relationship and see how it goes. Good luck.

[Honeycomb8]

You're thinking too much. It's been two dates.

 

 

Slow down.

[Hopefulguy]

Thanks...I really appreciate the input! I'm thinking that no long-term relationship will be devoid of challenges, whether it be younger kids, other family members, new circle of friends, etc. I guess it's not as if grown kids disappear, not that you'd want them to. Anyone I date will see plenty of my two! I like your last statement how basically going with the flow to see how things turn out. Maybe that's what I should simply do.

[Hopefulguy]

Noted.... Tks!

[Jibralta]

I had a stepmother for a while. I was 12/13. My sister was about a year younger. We loved our stepmother. We did eventually clash when she tried to impose rules on us. But that was probably my dad's fault for letting us run wild in his care. It's a tricky time in a kid's life, but I think it can work. She divorced my father--his fault as well

[Hopefulguy]

I had a stepmother for a while. I was 12/13. My sister was about a year younger. We loved our stepmother. We did eventually clash when she tried to impose rules on us. But that was probably my dad's fault for letting us run wild in his care. It's a tricky time in a kid's life, but I think it can work. She divorced my father--his fault as well

 

Thanks. I would have no illusions about over "stepping". Would have to take the cue from the mother. I can never be their "father".

[KantSleep]

BTW, there is nothing wrong with thinking ahead, even if you have only been on a few dates. Why waste time if younger kids are a deal breaker? Same types of questions should be considered when it comes to other potential deal breakers (smoking, drinking habits, etc.) You should be asking yourself these kinds of questions. Once my kids got older, I really was not interested in someone with younger kids. But that was me. My good male friend who is in his mid fifties just had his younger GF move in with her kids. I forget their exact ages, but I think it's like 12 and 14 or so. So he was fine with it.

[Hopefulguy]

I'd be lying if I said I didn't prefer the kids to be a little older....affording us a little more freedom, but I'm not convinced it would be that big of a deal breaker if the relationship develops. I just don't know to be honest.