im so lost and confused, i need help (long)(lost)

[tomwhite]

I dont know where to start. When i met my girlfriend she made me happier than i have ever been. We ended up moving in together and have lived together for almost 2 years. After we moved in i told her she didnt have to work if she didnt want to atleast until she was done with school, since i had a pretty good job. so for two years she stayed at home. she later started to acuse me of trapping her and telling her she couldnt work. Also we didnt socialize too much because neither of us had many friends, so she that added to her telling me i was trapping her and turning her into a 23 year old house wife. I tried to buy her everything she wanted and let take the car when i was at work if she wanted but usually she didnt. I would compliment her and tell her i loved her on a daily basis, and she told me she loved me too. then she started to take everything i would do for her for granted, nothing i did was special enough. she would treat me bad sometimes, with an atitude, and would lead to us argue over why she just couldnt be nice me, and then i was the bad guy for questioning her, and this went on for about 7 months or so a real vicous cycle that i tried to break and thought i had succeede in. then her sister got a boyfriend and started to drop off her 2 small kids with us alot on weekends for overnight stays, and if i complained about it being the 4th weekend in a row we had to babysit she would turn it into me hating her family and being jealous of the kids taking her time away from me, i tried to explain i love the kids and when they are here i play with them more than anyone else, infact they run to me first because they know ill never yell at them and will play games for hours with them, that i just feel its a lot of work and that its not fair for her sister to take advantage of us this way and that we should be enjoying the weekend together to try and make our relationship better. this would lead to arguments over her family. then another complicating issue is the sisters boyfriend who i feel is always looking at my gf in an admiring way. I do have a small problem with jealousy having been hurt in past relationships that my gf knows about, but when i would show the slightest sign of jealousy wether it be walking out of the room or maybe her noticing the look on my face she would fly off the handle and wouldnt spk to me or she would leave me for a night and stay with her sister. I dont like the boyfriend and have told my gf that, never told her she had to dislike him though. she now tells me im controlling, possesive and jealous. I do have a jealousy problem but have never once told her to not do anything, at worst i would tell her how the situation made me feel. last saturday she decides to go to a party at her sisters house and spend the night there as they were going to the beach the next morning, i wasnt invited because i dont like the boyfriend but have never told him or started a fight or anything i just kind of ignore him and never start a conversation with him. so i told her that i want her to go to the party but why cant she come home after and not because i dont trust her but because its a weird situation and if the roles were reversed she would feel uncomfortable with me spending the night at a party w/o her, i told her im not telling you not to go that i just wanted her to know my feelings so she could take them into account or not. she told me i was controlling and we argued. she went to the party. then this weekend i wanted to have a couples weekend, i had been pampering her all week and trying to be extra romantic but she would get angry over things like the airconditioning not being on when she got back from work (just started a p/t job) and just ignored the footbath i had ready for her. then on wednsday i called her at her new job just before she got off because it was raining and wanted to know if she needed a ride, she sd yea and i picked her up, the next day i called her at work because she controls the bank books (im not good at it) and i needed to know how much we had in the account so that i could buy some food and stuff, she got angry that i called and accused me of trying to get her fired because i dont want her working, i told her i love the idea of her working if for no other reason than she gets out of the house which i thought was making her depressed and resentful of me. she didnt buy it and accused me of checking up on her. saturday came around and she said she was going to the beach with her sister said ok but i was kind of hoping that we could do that as a couple this weekend and it was one of many things i had planned for us to do but i said it was ok well just get something to eat later when she gets home, then before she left i found a piece of paper next to her purse that had a number writtn on it so i called it and the voicemail sd "jack" and the other number sd "jack and jennifer" on its voicemail, i was curious and asked her who jack was and if there was something she wanted to tell me (since things started to go bad i always assume that its another man" she got angry told me it was her sisters firend and it was none of my business. we argued over that and both sd some mean and hateful things, she ended up leaving with her sister and sd she would be back either saturday or sunday, then monday came without any calls and i saw her right before i went to work when her sister finally dropped her off, she told me she couldnt live like this anymore because of my jealousy and controlling issues. i tried to reason with her and even started to take on more blame than i proably deserve and things seemd to be a little better she said she wasnt sure if she was coming home again or not, but i walked her to work and she would only let her kiss her on the cheek. she called me that night and we made small talk and then talked about our relationship woes, next day she didnt call and then wednsday she did call and she seemed distant and told me she didnt want to come back to this hell and that she wasnt sure if she would, so i told her how much i loved her and that i would change (even made a psychaitrst apointment) then the next day she called again and was even more distant and sd things like just because YOU love me doesnt mean we should be together. Ive tried to not be controlling to the point of pretending not to even care what she does but it doesnt work. So feeling like things were over i packed her belongings up and put them out of my sight because all i have done since she left is pace and look at her stuff and remember. While i was at work yesterday she came and took all her things and even our two cats, I called her and asked why she sd you didnt want me there anyway you had it all packed, I told her i just couldnt bare looking at her things anymore wondering if she would come home, she was angry though and told me well now im not coming home and proceeded to tell me that she cant be controlled this way and wont live here anymore. she sd she would be around on saturday for the rest of her things as she is moving in with her sister. Also i had stopped by the grandmas at lunch to ask if crystal had stopped by she sd yea but she didnt stop by our place (right next door) so i sd good bye and left disapointed, she tells me the grandma sd i stormed off because the sisters boyfriend had driven her to work (i didnt even know he had) so it seems like she is backstabbing me fr no reason. I think her family is telling her lies and making her want to leave even more, even though when they are around they see how she tells ME what to do and yells at me for small stuff like missing a turn. they know i love her since i bend over backwards to make her happy, i have some jealousy issues but nevr gotten violent with her, she told me i was abusive, yet when we have argued she has hit me and the most i ever sd to her (while she was screaming in my face for 10 minutes straight) was to leave me alone because i want to hit her. I regretted saying it but would never act on it and am usually the one who ends up crying for some reason. all that sd we had so many good times, is there anyway to win her back maybe a face to face visit away from her family (who by the way have admitted to being jealous over me pampering her and her not having to work). I miss her so much and now am in an empty apartment all alone thinking of her constantly. I dont know what to do NC or try and talk?

[DN]

She was abusing you, physically and emotionally, and using you. Why on earth would you want someone like that in your life? The best thing she did for you was to leave. I know you don't want to hear that but the best thing you could do is let her go and find someone who loves as much as you do her.

[providentielle]

If you want to try and work this out then you should talk to her. I think it would be a good idea if she continued to stay with her family for now while you both try and work things through. It also seems like it would be a good idea for you to support her in getting a job, this may help to make her feel more secure and happy. Good luck

[RayKay]

Ow, okay that was REALLY hard to read! Please use paragraphs next time

 

It sounds like things have been bothering her a while, maybe she really does feel like she is missing out on things...and it is clear you love her, but right now it seems the urge for her to be free is more pressing than the one to be in something serious. She needs to have fun, and not feel trapped - maybe not working for so long does have something to do with this, as it may have made her feel dependent on you. While you were trying to help, it can "take away" a persons own power in a sense. So she lashes out. Honestly, you might have tried too hard to be TOO good to her...I don't know for sure. But she is taking advantage of you and being abusive.

 

I think right now she sounds a bit selfish, but I think it is also because she is not sure what else to do....I think the statement 'just because YOU love me does not mean we should be together"and said your place was "hell" said a lot - I think right now she is not sure she does feel enough love for you or not to be with you.

 

I think you need to give her some space right now. I am not sure what is going on in her mind for sure, but I do think she might want to get out and is just not doing it the right way at the moment. Let things calm down a bit before you talk to each other, if she is willing and calm enough to do so herself.

 

Sorry I can't help anymore, its just your post is so hard to read so I could not answer everything I read and don't want to go through it all again...but I do think she is unsure what she wants right now, and it does sound like she is taking advantage of your kindness, but turning it around on you. I am not sure she feels "in love" with you right now and there are other things that are suspicious (her staying out all night) and the abuse (emotional and physical) would be enough for me to tell you to move on and leave her in the past as YOU can do far better.

 

I would start moving on and giving you BOTH space to think about things.

[30something]

I agree with DN and RayKay. Sounds like you were her doormat. Maybe your level of jealousy is what was making her feel trapped, plus she's young and probably has sown very many oats yet. But it sounded like you went way out of your way to make her happy and she didn't appreciate it. Never be anyone's doormat! I wouldn't call her if I were you. She obviously didn't appreciate what she had. If her family has gotten in the middle, forget it. It's very hard to go up against families. Why bother. Find someone else who will appreciate you and be good to you.

[tomwhite]

i cant help but think i pushed her away. i told her many times that i never said she couldnt work, but i just wanted to give her the option of not working.

she would also read into things, we went out to eat at an expensive restaurant one night and i was trying to catch her eye and a moment", she acused me of staring at her to see if she was looking at the waiter. it usually ended up in an argument with me finally giving in and agreeing with her just so she wouldnt be so mad at me.

one thing i didnt add was that she was bi polar and used to take meds when i first met her, then she stopped taking them because she didnt agree w/ her doctor, her moods changed alot over time. if i brought up the meds she would acuse me of calling her crazy. I love her and dont want to lose her especially if its just a mood she is in.

i told her if she came back i would never question another decision she made and even if i was tired from work would make more of an effort to get us out more plus with therapy wouldnt be jealous anymore of anything if she would just show me she loved me sometimes. I told her last night on the phone that i know she still loves me but we just got off the track, she said "so you think" she was very angry last night because i had her clothes packed up. i just couldnt take looking at reminders of her if she wasnt coming back. now i just wonder if i put the final nail in the coffin.

[RayKay]

Well, that gives more insight. I would say that her not being on her medications could definitely be a big reason for her behaviour. In any case, stop being her saviour. Stop telling her you will change if she comes back. You from what I have read don't need to change. SHE is the one with the problem. You are still allowing her to walk all over you.

 

You cannot help those who do not want to help themselves. Don't be a knight in shining armour. It is NOT your job. I don't like many of her "religious slants" and so on, but I would really advise you read the following book: 10 Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives by Dr. Laura Schlessinger....again I really am not fond of her, and do think she is a little too right wing and cannot agree with many things she claims, but in that book there are some VERY relevant topics to your situation about men who try and "rescue" women. I really advise you do read it and truly think about how it applies to your situation.

[DN]

Tom, you are turning yourself into a doormat for her. And she is wiping her feet on you in the worst way.

 

She hit you.

 

She has abused you physically and emotionally.

 

You may love her but she obviously doesn't love you - at least not more than she does herself. This was a bad relationship, and you are so blinded by loving her that you can't see that.

[tomwhite]

she never hit me hard and only a couple of times, and maybe i deserved it I would always somehow get under her skin especially when i wasnt trying to do anything but completely why she was mad at me. I just miss her so much. only last night was it really final, now all her things are gone (i packed them only to not have to look at them you know out of site out of mind). I think that made her mad and she said I didnt want her there any way because i packed her things.

 

I came home from work and all her things and our two cats and our turtle were gone. So I called her. she was mad like i just said.

 

I dont know how to deal with this. All I do is think of her, every where I go i see reminders of our 2 yrs together. She was the first person I ever lived with, I went straight from my mothers house to our own apartment. I cant stop crying and its all my fault if i hadnt gotten jealous she would still be here i know it.

[DN]

she never hit me hard and only a couple of times, and maybe i deserved it I would always somehow get under her skin .

 

Excusing her hitting you and blaming yourself for it!!

 

Come on, Tom, you know better than that! Nobody deserves to be hit. Even if it didn't hurt you it is humiliating and demeaning and just plain nasty. Stop looking at her through rose-coloured glasses and see her for what she really is - manipulative, selfish, self-absorbed and no good for you.

[30something]

It's not a matter of whether she hit you "hard" or not. It's the mere point that she hit you at all! Her being bi polar explains her behavior. She needs to get back on her meds and go to therapy.

 

As for you, you are CO-DEPENDENT!!!!!! You are allowing this woman to manipulate your life and torture you. There is no making your ex g/f happy. As hard as it is to do, let her go. You can't save her. Save yourself or she'll drag you down w/her and you'll need therapy!

 

Get a hobby, go on a vacation with friends, get out more and live your life. Date other gals even if you don't feel like it. The point is to just get out and do something so that you are not thinking about her all of the time. Don't go to the same places that you and her used to go to. Take it each day at a time and the pain and hurt you feel will subside. She's not worth wasting all your energy on!!!! You didn't push her away, SHE LEFT ALL ON HER OWN because she WANTED TO. I know this all sounds harsh, but everyone here is telling you the exact same thing.....move on.

 

I know its hard to move on because you had 2 years invested in this relationship. Believe me, I feel for you....I think we all do. I was in a 2 year relationship with my ex-fiance and he married someone else. For me, it took quite a long time to finally get over it all and release the emotional baggage....but after I did I discovered that I was a lot better off and a lot happier. Turns out he's the one who wound up miserable. It just takes time. You can analyze your situation from every angle until the cows come home and it won't do you a bit of good until you realize that you are person who deserves better than what she gave you in this relationship.

 

Sorry to be so harsh.

[tomwhite]

a week since she left and 2 days since she took most of her things and its not getting any easier. She is working today and i just have the urge to go and ask her out for coffee, i just dont know if she would be angry i stopped by. i miss her so much and just think if i could talk to her face to face she might understand that i would be a new man, i wouldnt ever ask her about anything and just let her tell me what she wants to. should i go see her? shoule i call her? i dont know what to do memories keep flooding through my head and i found myself crying at my desk today at work. i dont know how to get over this, i keep hoping that maybe she will come back and we can work on things together as a team again.

tom

thank you all for your advice and kind words, i just cant do this, i dont know how to carry on without her.

[tomwhite]

I need quick advice. My girlfriend might be coming by later to get the last of her things. should i try and reason with her to stay or should i act cool and let her think om over it. I want her home again and think we had something, there were bad times but there were alot of good times too.

 

i so desperatly want to speak with her and try and get her to come home again but i dont know if it will only push her away and make her think im pathetic. I cry now whenever i think of this.

tom