Rebound relationship victim Help and advice please

[Schockobaerin]

Im having a very difficult time here and just found your forum, here is my history:

 

I did not trust men before and did not have a romantic/sexual relationship, my first platonic love died 14 years ago (when I was 21) and it hurt me so deeply that I just closed my heart like a walnut. I live in another Country far away from my Family and a couple of years ago suffered from Depression, I overcame it, and finished my studies. Of Course I did not want to be alone, but it was very difficult for me to find somebody who just like me (Im pretty, but I can be very intimidating and sometimes eager), well my mum inscribed me in „tinder“ and at the beginning I wasnt that entusiastic, then later I began to date (I dont like to date) but the prospect of Meeting new People was alluring.

 

 

Then there was this guy, who began to write to me, he was very eager to meet me and I preferred just to talk, I talked about my insecurities, my fear of relationship and we communicated on and off for six months, he always wanted to meet me, I stood him up like 3 times and once I stopped talking to him for three weeks, Im latina and now live in Sweden, and I have the Impression, guys here are dissapointed when they meet me, because at the beginning Im like a Little bit cold (not what they expect from a latina).

 

Well we finally met last year in may, and he played his Cards very well with me, he conquered me not being typical north european but latino and I was difficult at the beginning, like a scared puppy, but felt very good in his arms. In the second date I was a goner, we live in different cities, and we met in another one, then we kissed for the first time, and I just fell for him, hard. For me was a very big Change to have someone that was calling me, treating me lovingly, giving me that contact.. After some Problems I overcame with my intimacy issues and just enjoyed the ride, everything went pretty fast, but because of my lack of experience, I did not see this as a Problem, but as a Blessing. 3 months later and he began to get Little bit colder, and I discovered a tissue that he used to confort himself, then I discovered that he was still longing for his exgf. Then he told me that our relationship was getting „too serious, too fast“ and I was like, chill out, it is ok, as Long as we are exclusive is ok. Days later we had a dissagremeent because I wanted to meet him over the Weekend and he wanted to go to a friend, and we had a fight, when I tried to call him to patch Things up, he ignored me and ghosted me for a week, then tried to break up with me, we talked and he was like „i love you but Im not prepared to fall in love“ and I was ok i love you too, and if 2 people love each other, why they cannot be together? We reconciliated, and had very lovings Moments, but I began to see that he didnt want to introduce me a Group of friends, or to tag us on fb, and I began to see the ghost of his gf, and he began to become depressed, I tolerated everything, but I cried a lot, because I could feel that he was neglecting me. Christmas came and he brough me to his parents, but then I asked him to be with me in new years eve, that I didnt care where he wanted to be, but that for me it was very important to spend it with him.. Three days later he broke up with me, because he felt that he had come to the Limit of his love for me, I was left devastated and cried for a Long time. The exgf and him were having contact. I knew they separated because she wanted to go to her Country and he wanted to stay here, so she left him. One week later I just couldnt anymore and sent him a message and he called me the next morning, telling me that he missed me very much, but that he needed time. For me it was a very hard time, and I just wanted to go away. He began this hot and cold Treatment, but I could feel he was really depressed.. Well I went to Colombia for 4 months for a Long Holiday.

 

In These 5 months we were separated, I tried to comunicate with him and sometimes he called me, but I had hope that when I would come back everything would solve itself. I came back, looked for him, and told him I was ready to let him go if he wasnt ready, he wanted more time, and I was it is now or never, and we reconciliated. I changed a lot for the positive, respected his space, made no Drama, but after 2 months he began to withdraw again, and I was almost always initiating contact, I was fine with it, I knew he needed time. Then suddenly two weeks ago, he broke up with me again, telling me that he just cannot fall in love with me, that we live apart, and he doesnt see a future together. I was left devastated, he insisted that he loved me very much but not in the same intensity i do him, and that he wanted to be alone to sort his Things, that he is VERY AFRAID of commitment, then I asked him if the relationship wasnt working up, and he told me, yes it is working up. I asked him that if he loved me more or less, he told me more and not as a friend. Well he broke up my heart again, and here am I devastated again. We chatted last thrusday and I told him that I respect his decision and that for me it is very hard to let him go, but that I understand he has to sort Things out, that he knows where to find me.

 

I dont know if is my wishfull thinking, but I feel that he loves me, and that part of his Problem is that he pressures himself to fall in love with me and that is the reason he just cant, anyway it isnt a Long time that we are together anyway. My conclusion: I made the big mistake of becoming a loving doormat and overwhelmed him, he takes me for granted and does not love me enough to be with me. I know the best is to let go, but I just cant or dont want to do it. My mistake was to always be there and loving him very much. Why is it so difficult to let go, I have been in NC since Thursday, but miss him very much, and deep inside myself there is still hope, but I want to kill it, dont know how. Any tips you can give me on how can I recover faster? Do I have any Chance with him ? Anyway I know I have to let him go anyway. My greatest fear is that Im not going to trust anyone else to love them, and that scares me very much. What do you think? It is important to say our connection was very strong, we are very compatible and complement each other very nice, when i have issues I tried to solve them fair and square, without any drama, I tried not to be needy or clingy... I just dont understand, but suppose love is unfair, maybe after he is alone and sort out his feelings of the past relationship... I just want everything to be ok, he is a really nice guy, but with a low self steem, I just want to be with him, but I agree that if he doesnt love enough im losing my time... Any tips would be helpful...

[DanZee]

In the old days it was much simpler. You met someone, fell in love and got married and started a family. Very simple and men and women wanted the same thing. Now people don't want to marry. They just want to date and fool around and basically stay a teenager and never grow up. Sites like Tinder encourage this type of behavior.

 

You need to find a man who wants to fall in love so deeply that he wants to marry you. Even if it doesn't work out that way, you want someone who wants the same thing you do. The problem is finding guys like this.

 

Maybe on the first date you can ask open questions that will give you the feel for where they are in their lives and try to separate out the wheat from the chaff. Talk about past love affairs or what their viewpoint is on marriage and love. You need to get past the players to the lovers.

 

Maybe some other commenters will help come up with ways. But that's what you got to do.

[Schockobaerin]

In the old days it was much simpler. You met someone, fell in love and got married and started a family. Very simple and men and women wanted the same thing. Now people don't want to marry. They just want to date and fool around and basically stay a teenager and never grow up. Sites like Tinder encourage this type of behavior.

 

You need to find a man who wants to fall in love so deeply that he wants to marry you. Even if it doesn't work out that way, you want someone who wants the same thing you do. The problem is finding guys like this.

 

Maybe on the first date you can ask open questions that will give you the feel for where they are in their lives and try to separate out the wheat from the chaff. Talk about past love affairs or what their viewpoint is on marriage and love. You need to get past the players to the lovers.

 

Maybe some other commenters will help come up with ways. But that's what you got to do.

Thank you so much for your answer, you know what the funny part is? That from the beginning I was clear, probably you are right, I just got played, but one of the things he regretted of his past relationship is that he couldnt "do the normal thing" you know the family/kids thing, everytime he looks at children he has this "longing look", and anyway because Im looking for a job now, I would not be prepared to form anything now, but in a couple of years, I did not pressure anything, but it is probably a matter that he doesnt want to have those things with ME. Im still struggling to accept the reality, that I was used, was taken for granted and it just happened what I was so scared of: I have got my heart broken, I just dont want to become bitter and I dont know if Im being naive, but I still believe that he is a good man, just very hurt, and I have the hope he is going to come around... But anyway, the reality is that Im picking up the pieces and must continue, I know Im a wonderful person and do not deserve this, Im trying to take it as a learning experience and want to heal as soon as possible. Again thank you for your answer.. I am very alone now, so any advice is worth for me

[Bladesofsteel]

I agree with the above post. People these days that want a real committed relationship are far and few in between. This guy sounds like he's keeping you on the back burner because he knows you'll be there and he's looking for something else or already has it before he breaks up with you.

 

It's always, always, always easier to give advice but incredibly hard to listen to it when being in your position.

 

Trust me when I tell you this..

 

Move on, find someone else when you're ready. Someone else who doesn't take you for granted.

 

He will be back anyway when he's lonely.. I myself have gone through so much in the past year and I'm still working on taking my own advice.

[purplebyr]

Hello..

 

I am reading this and just want you to know that you are a wonderful person and he is at loss for losing you.

 

I think may be being focus on yourself and to become better so you will able to love the right person again some day, I do believe you deserve better.

 

Thats okay. Everything happens for a reason and after broken heart, sometimes we become a better person. We shouldnt adapt to things we can not..

[Schockobaerin]

I agree with the above post. People these days that want a real committed relationship are far and few in between. This guy sounds like he's keeping you on the back burner because he knows you'll be there and he's looking for something else or already has it before he breaks up with you.

 

It's always, always, always easier to give advice but incredibly hard to listen to it when being in your position.

 

Trust me when I tell you this..

 

Move on, find someone else when you're ready. Someone else who doesn't take you for granted.

 

He will be back anyway when he's lonely.. I myself have gone through so much in the past year and I'm still working on taking my own advice.

 

Thank you very much, I remember that he told me, the first separation he was working on himself, because he felt so depressed, and though he missed me, well... Now I think he just want to "live the single life" with his buddies, funny thing is, he was always telling me that his friends were longing for a partner, when I was out with them, I was one of the "boys", never clinging, always very beautiful (men are very visual), socializing and of course showing my "care" for my bf. We watched football together and I have got the impression they really liked me.. A friend of us, he told me, my ex is so stupid, because he has a woman like me, that every guy would kill to have me, and that he is taking me for granted because of his stupid fears and insecurities, that it was unfair that he has a gem and just neglecting it. Well my mistake was being a doormat and treating him very fine, would I be like his exgf, that treated him like his mom, and as long as I know at the very end, not that good, then maybe he would be "head over heels" with me, so unfair.. I still see the potential in "our relationship", and still want him back, and hope he comes around.. BUT now Im beginning the realize that I do not want to be taken for granted, that my mistake was always being nice and caring for him more than for me (BIG MISTAKE). I know I MUST get over him or to find someone new or in the case he comes back and it isnt still very late, I have to regain my power and not making it easy. Who knows what is going to happen, I know he "loves me" but cannot "fall in love with me" COME ON! but one thing is for sure, I have learned my lesson, I cannot give more without expecting something in return, I need to learn to be selfish like him and his exgf... You are totally right, my family and friends are really pissed up at him for being stupid and neglectful and at me for being stupid for letting him treat me like this. Now Im struggling to follow advice, like you have said, it is very easy to know what is right, but to do it...very difficult. Time wil always tell, and things happen for a reason, the big difference btw now and the other times we were separated is that I want to get over him now, and now Im not thinking, ahh poor thing he is depressed, now Im thinking Im depressed and I do not deserve this.

Thank you for your advice, it helps me a lot and keep fighting for your dreams

[Bladesofsteel]

Yep.. he's full of it. He's not depressed.. IF he is, he wouldn't let go of the one person who was pouring love into him, I can promise you that. Is there a way to PM you? I'm new here but a long time lurker of these boards.

[Schockobaerin]

Hello..

 

I am reading this and just want you to know that you are a wonderful person and he is at loss for losing you.

 

I think may be being focus on yourself and to become better so you will able to love the right person again some day, I do believe you deserve better.

 

Thats okay. Everything happens for a reason and after broken heart, sometimes we become a better person. We shouldnt adapt to things we can not..

 

Thank you very much for your words, everybody tells me exactly the same, but sometimes I think.. If I am that "wonderful" why does not he love me? But I agree that it is his loss. For me this is very hard now, but I just working the pain out, and Im pretty sure, Im getting stronger.. Again thank you very much!

[Bladesofsteel]

Thank you very much for your words, everybody tells me exactly the same, but sometimes I think.. If I am that "wonderful" why does not he love me? But I agree that it is his loss. For me this is very hard now, but I just working the pain out, and Im pretty sure, Im getting stronger.. Again thank you very much!

 

He doesn't love you because he's taking you for granted, it's just a maturity thing. Don't project your level of love and fascination onto him thinking he feels the same. Go make yourself happy and leave him be. If I'm a betting man id put money on it that he will be coming back to you when he's bored, but that's not what you want or deserve.

[Schockobaerin]

Yep.. he's full of it. He's not depressed.. IF he is, he wouldn't let go of the one person who was pouring love into him, I can promise you that. Is there a way to PM you? I'm new here but a long time lurker of these boards.

 

Thank you, but I think he is in fact still depressed, you know depressed people act like this, they get afraid and tampers everything that is fine with them.. I was depressed myself, so I know exactly how that works.. Now he is being VERY SELFISH, and I cannot have the luxury of becoming depressed myself, so Im granting his wish and dissapearing of his life, so he can miss me.. Anyway Im working on myself.. about PM me, of course, it is possible here?

[Schockobaerin]

He doesn't love you because he's taking you for granted, it's just a maturity thing. Don't project your level of love and fascination onto him thinking he feels the same. Go make yourself happy and leave him be. If I'm a betting man id put money on it that he will be coming back to you when he's bored, but that's not what you want or deserve.

 

You are right, he has a lot of maturing to do, something is clear for me, he doesnt value me, but I recognize that it is my fault for being such a doormat and chasing him, now Im just letting him be, and I advised him: You are taking me for granted, and you are going to know what you have when you lose it.. Now for the first time, I just dissapeared of social media, and made myself PRETTY CLEAR that if he wants me back, he has to fight for me.. Lets see if that is going to happen or not.. Now Im just licking my wounds and trying to get over it, because I do not deserve this- Thank you again

[Bladesofsteel]

Ok, if he is depressed then he needs to seek help. It's not your job to fix him. You're making the right choice.

 

When he comes back (he will eventually). Make sure if you do want him back you make it hard on him. Don't let him come and go so easy because he will keep repeating this pattern.

[Schockobaerin]

Ok, if he is depressed then he needs to seek help. It's not your job to fix him. You're making the right choice.

 

When he comes back (he will eventually). Make sure if you do want him back you make it hard on him. Don't let him come and go so easy because he will keep repeating this pattern.

 

I know I cannot fix him, the ugly truth is that he is still hurt from his past break up, therefore he doesnt feel free, and says stupid things like : "I want to be alone, so nobody can hurt me", "when I was with you I felt like a clog in my heart and began to hurt.." "Im just VERY AFRAID of commitment and of falling in love again" bla bla bla. He is just not emotionally aviable now, I myself asked him that if there is something to do, his answer: "not, for now", He needs to be alone, so let him be alone, he knows he is taking a big risk of losing me, and because he takes me for granted, he doesnt know how important I am for him... If this is not the case, anyway I cannot be with someone that doesnt want to love me back, and lets see if he is going to react soon before is too late.. For now I have learned from my previous mistake, and Im letting him alone! Anyway if it is not meant to be, then let it be.. I just want to get over this as soon as possible. Again thank you for your advice.. I just want to know if he is coming back, but that doesnt change anything, Im working on getting over him anyway and who knows, maybe he is getting back with his older, far away living, mind game player exgf... Who knows...anyway his loss

[Bladesofsteel]

Yes, I believe he will. When he's bored. So make him work for it when he does. In the mean time, go have your own fun, it'll prob get his attention when you have fully removed yours.

[Schockobaerin]

Yes, I believe he will. When he's bored. So make him work for it when he does. In the mean time, go have your own fun, it'll prob get his attention when you have fully removed yours.

 

You are probably right, now Im just facing my pain and getting over it, lets see what happens, but slowly im just getting tired of this, and that was my fear before, that he comes back Im going to be over him, and that he was going to be hurt... But now, after he broke my heart again, without thinking about it.. Well lets see what is going to happen, I was ready to move to his city, this is actually in my future plans anyway, Im just dissapointed that because I just got my degree Im jobhunting now, and it takes a bit of time to get one.. My degree is a natural science, very good degree, and he just got scared because when he lived with his exgf she couldnt find a job, and it was his responsability... It is not the same, I dont need his help anyway, and that comparison makes me very ANGRY, anyway this is a very sad and stupid situation, but it was a lesson I must learn from it.. Thank you again for your words