The end of 4 years, really struggling

[Gettinup]

2 steps forward, 1 step back is very accurate right now! Although sometimes it seems its 1 step forward 2 steps back.

After that e weekend i've had some fairly good days really, a few low points but over all i'd say i've been thinking more positive than negative, which is a real personal win for me.

 

Thats good to read that your feeling more positive, pats on the back all round for that.

 

As usual other, harsher, thoughts came into my head too. The thought of her going on a date, or sleeping with someone else, but I also thought what right do I have to really be angry at her about this. We have split up, she is no longer mine as I am no longer hers, of course the thought hurts but the fact is, she can do what she wants now, as can I.

 

Its hard to accept that but the fact that you have acknowledged it shows great progress. I've been making a list of all the good and bad points to take the ex off the pedestal, and boy now that I am outside the bubble its amazing what gets written down if your being honest with yourself and what the relationship was.

 

The thing i'm struggling to take in is the lack of being wanted, or relied on by someone; this is what I miss. The feeling of being loved, of being someones priority, i think thats a hard thing to accept that this is no longer the case, and something that if I think about too much, upsets me. But hey, this is life, life is harsh, I need to learn to be alone again and be strong. I'm getting tired of being so emotional all the time anyway

 

From what I've read in your posts you are tackling this event and addressing your feelings sensibly, and acknowleding what you need to do and think to get through the grief and heal. I get what you are saying with wanting to be wanted and relied upon, but these things can also come from elsewhere, friends, family. I've found that helping others inturn has been helping me.

[loip9114]

2 steps forward, 1 step back is very accurate right now! Although sometimes it seems its 1 step forward 2 steps back.

After that e weekend i've had some fairly good days really, a few low points but over all i'd say i've been thinking more positive than negative, which is a real personal win for me.

 

I had a lot of thoughts today, I found it quite funny that having not spoken to her for 2 weeks now, she has no idea i've been going through so much crap. The same way i have no idea what she is feeling, I only assume she's doing well, from what i've heard from her mum she could be a lot like me. It's just funny how the brain seems to put itself down when it really has no idea what the facts are.

 

As usual other, harsher, thoughts came into my head too. The thought of her going on a date, or sleeping with someone else, but I also thought what right do I have to really be angry at her about this. We have split up, she is no longer mine as I am no longer hers, of course the thought hurts but the fact is, she can do what she wants now, as can I.

The thing i'm struggling to take in is the lack of being wanted, or relied on by someone; this is what I miss. The feeling of being loved, of being someones priority, i think thats a hard thing to accept that this is no longer the case, and something that if I think about too much, upsets me. But hey, this is life, life is harsh, I need to learn to be alone again and be strong. I'm getting tired of being so emotional all the time anyway

 

Oh yeah, that does feel like it. In my head I keep this kind of rising sinusoid, something like this LINK. As you can see there are heavy downs and ups. But overal there is a straight line going up. Relative to the previous peak the down will feel substantial. But if you keep it relative to the first low you ever felt. For me the immediate days post break-up. You will always be higher than that.

So I keep that in mind, while it goes up and down and sometimes the downs feel like 2 steps back compared to yesterday or last week. They will always be 10 steps ahead of day 1. Now this doesn't lessen the pain, but it does give me the strength to go on through those sh*ttiest days.

 

Aye, same. I am far beyond that, and still sometimes I think she has no idea what she put me through. Nor do I have any idea of what she is going through. Which is always a bit weird seeing this was someone who you knew every small detail of of every bloody day.

 

Yes, those thougths pop into your head. While you're absolutely right that you have no position, it may still hurt. I believe this is due to that unseeable attachment you (and me included) still have. It is hard, but best thing to say is try to not think about it. Eventually it will get better, for me that thought came in my mind last week and my response was 'seems only natural'. I am not ready to date yet, nor do I feel like it. But that doesn't matter, I'll get there one day just like you.

 

I actually had a funny picture of myself in my head, that my frustration and irritation is similar to that of a dog being annoyed with the leash that holds him back. Gnawing at it, wanting it to break as soon as possible xD. That's me and my attachment hahaha. But yes, that being relied upon and being loved is also one of the reasons why I try to help people here and in my personal life. I try to get out and just socialize with people. Not to date, but to talk with new people.

[loip9114]

From what I've read in your posts you are tackling this event and addressing your feelings sensibly, and acknowleding what you need to do and think to get through the grief and heal. I get what you are saying with wanting to be wanted and relied upon, but these things can also come from elsewhere, friends, family. I've found that helping others inturn has been helping me.

 

I wholeheartedly support this. I also think you are on the right track.

[Gettinup]

Oh yeah, that does feel like it. In my head I keep this kind of rising sinusoid, something like this LINK. As you can see there are heavy downs and ups. But overal there is a straight line going up. Relative to the previous peak the down will feel substantial. But if you keep it relative to the first low you ever felt. For me the immediate days post break-up. You will always be higher than that.

So I keep that in mind, while it goes up and down and sometimes the downs feel like 2 steps back compared to yesterday or last week. They will always be 10 steps ahead of day 1. Now this doesn't lessen the pain, but it does give me the strength to go on through those sh*ttiest days.

 

I feel what you saying with that link, excellent analogy.

 

I actually had a funny picture of myself in my head, that my frustration and irritation is similar to that of a dog being annoyed with the leash that holds him back. Gnawing at it, wanting it to break as soon as possible xD. That's me and my attachment hahaha. But yes, that being relied upon and being loved is also one of the reasons why I try to help people here and in my personal life. I try to get out and just socialize with people. Not to date, but to talk with new people.

 

And I definitely agree with that, spread your social network and just meet new people and talk to anyone and everyone.

[sicx]

You two are helping me a lot, I really appreciate the responses as I know its hard sometimes as this is usually a place to vent my thoughts and feelings, no so much to ask for advice, but I do take it on board for sure.

 

 

Aye, same. I am far beyond that, and still sometimes I think she has no idea what she put me through. Nor do I have any idea of what she is going through. Which is always a bit weird seeing this was someone who you knew every small detail of of every bloody day.

 

 

Yes! Absolutely this. It's just bizarre, if I felt down & sad in any other situation she would without doubt be the first I would talk to, now it's just everyone but her... It takes a lot of getting used to.

 

Once again I'm going to vent some thoughts / anger / sadness here, and once again it's mainly for my benefit.

 

Unfortunately for me, I remember I have another Facebook account I used to sign up to something ages ago, one that's not blocked... Yeah, I did some stalking. To be honest I didnt find anything too upsetting, just her being her, very positive and very active on social media. Looks wise, she does look stunning, but I knew that anyway thanks to whatsapp. This is very much a dangerous game i've got myself into now though, because although i've only been on once, I now know I can see her facebook and, like I say, she's very active. If it wasn't so weird I would ask her to block my other account too, but I think messaging her after 2 weeks of NC and asking her to block a page she doesn't even know I have is beyond sad, so i've just got to try force myself not to do any snooping.

On the plus there's no sign of anyone else, but like i've said before she will be getting with other guys on nights out, maybe she's talking to other guys too I dont know. I WISH I didnt care, god how i wish this.

I think about past times a lot at work, and this makes me very sad, I still cannot get over the fact someone you spent 8 years with can walk out of your life just like that. I also think about breaking NC quite a lot, it's taken a small miracle for me to get this far & it feels like its doing me no good at all (even though in the long run I guess it will). It seems like I think about her even more now. I often wish she would feel the pain i'm feeling, but who knows maybe she is sometimes, i'll never know.

 

I've realised this is taking such a big toll on me because my life was empty to begin with, she seemed to fill it with joy. Being long distance I essentially had two lives, and I preferred the one with her, I dont know why I didn't tell her this at the time, I wish I had. I miss the city she lives in and the people she surrounded herself with.

If I laid my soul on the line to her and told her how I feel I think she would reject me because her life is better without me, I need her more than she needs me.

 

Sometimes I wonder if what she said is true, that we will stay in each others lives, I feel i'm slipping out of hers every day, but she's still a HUGE part of mine whether I want her to be or not. It feels like i'll never be able to let her go, and right now i'm not even sure I really want to, even though I know I should. There's massive conflict going on in my mind right now and it's so frustrating. I've also began getting jealous, jealous of how easy it seems she's getting on & jealous of anyone who gets to be with her because she should be mine, not theres. I've put her on an untouchable pedestal and I cant seem to convince my mind she shouldn't be on there. If she only knew how I felt she'd think I was crazy, I feel like i'm making no progress at all here, despite what I said in my last post I can't seem to 100% convince my head it's true. I usually just tell myself life is cruel, and try to get on, but im FAR from happy and I feel so empty.

We all seem to be guys here so Im just going to go ahead and say it, sexual wise the only thing that 'works' for me is her, and I cant seem to help this but obviously it's doing no good getting over her, not sure if anyone else has had this problem?

 

I like to watch films in the evening that are psychological, surreal and have damaged characters as I feel I can relate a little bit, and it kind of puts my problem into perspective. I also like to read the news because of this, although obviously I dont compare a breakup to people loosing family members and that. I'm struggling over all, today has not been a good day.

[Gettinup]

You two are helping me a lot, I really appreciate the responses as I know its hard sometimes as this is usually a place to vent my thoughts and feelings, no so much to ask for advice, but I do take it on board for sure.

 

Likewise, this thread with you pair is a big help.

 

Unfortunately for me, I remember I have another Facebook account I used to sign up to something ages ago, one that's not blocked... Yeah, I did some stalking.

 

We all slip of the wagon every so often so don’t beat yourself up too much, but I would say get someone you know to change the password to that other FB account and to lock it away so you can’t get at it if you feel the itch in the future to contact / look at her profile.

 

I think about past times a lot at work, and this makes me very sad, I still cannot get over the fact someone you spent 8 years with can walk out of your life just like that.

 

It is hard to too come to terms with that someone you have known for a long time can walk away from a life together, I get that, I really do. But I highly recommend writing down a list of the positive and negative things from the relationship to get the ex of the pedestal, and it will be enlighten to what you find and how it helps.

 

I've realised this is taking such a big toll on me because my life was empty to begin with, she seemed to fill it with joy.

 

I’m sure your life was not empty fella, but maybe (and I’m speaking from a similar position here) you gave too much to the relationship at the expense of other aspects of your life. I’ve found that since she went a light was shined at areas of my life that I had let slip, again this was because I was her partner and also her best friend as she didn’t have any. But this is a good opportunity for me (and you) to not so much reinvent but to pursue interests we like. It won’t be an easy road, and I have to graft to re-establish connections with my friends from university, but it’s getting there as I’m sure it will with you.

 

We all seem to be guys here so Im just going to go ahead and say it, sexual wise the only thing that 'works' for me is her, and I cant seem to help this but obviously it's doing no good getting over her, not sure if anyone else has had this problem?

 

Yep were all dude bros here so and I understand where you’re coming from. And although it worked for you with your ex, in time when your ready it will work better with somebody else, because you will be a stronger person having got through this event in your life and you will also know what will be more compatible with you. And I say this from experience because before for my ex I was with a partner for 5 years.

 

Like you say just a bad day today, but you’re doing good fella, bite down on the mouth guard and keep pushing forward. Also a side to the movies I highly recommend watching some Phineas and Ferb …. I don’t care how old anyone is there is always time for Phineas and Ferb.

[loip9114]

Once again I'm going to vent some thoughts / anger / sadness here, and once again it's mainly for my benefit.

 

Venting/ranting is good. The best way to get all this stuff out is through venting and ranting. Cropping it up will only blow up in your face later on. You might think I am doing great at some point. Then you see her in public or anything, and suddenly those repressed feelings come in like an atomic bomb. And there you are devastated, destroyed and utterly lost again.

So yeah, everybody says there are no shortcuts. I believe there is one, straight through the storm. Head first, charge in and feel all it. Rant about all of it, and get it out whenever you feel. Plus it's your thread

 

Unfortunately for me, I remember I have another Facebook account I used to sign up to something ages ago, one that's not blocked... Yeah, I did some stalking. To be honest I didnt find anything too upsetting, just her being her, very positive and very active on social media. Looks wise, she does look stunning, but I knew that anyway thanks to whatsapp. This is very much a dangerous game i've got myself into now though, because although i've only been on once, I now know I can see her facebook and, like I say, she's very active. If it wasn't so weird I would ask her to block my other account too, but I think messaging her after 2 weeks of NC and asking her to block a page she doesn't even know I have is beyond sad, so i've just got to try force myself not to do any snooping.

 

My ex is similar, very very active on social media. I would definitely advice you to NOT break the NC. Especially not for that. See it this way it would be like 'Hey, I just want to let you know, I will not be contacting you any longer. So that's why I contact you'. Now in this particular scenario it is 'Hey I just want to let you know I don't want to see anything of you, so could you block me here? Will YOU help ME get YOU out of MY life?'

I haven't had contact since 29th of June, and I haven't stalked since around 8th of July. I reached this was by turfing each day I had NC and did NOT stalk. This way you made a chain. Don't break it and you'll get into the habit of not breaking it. Now I still sometimes struggle with not typing in her name and just going to her FB. But tbh it gets even scarier to do that as I've not been updated into her personal for so long I will get this huge amount of info to go through.

Another step I did was get this phrase in my mind 'I will not contact or stalk, IF I do want to know anything about her personal life, I must ask her directly. Do not stalk'. This way I linked stalking with NC. Another phrase was 'Stalking, pleading will not provide me with the relief I so desire, it will only bring pain and shame'. Reitterated till the urge would bloody die. XD

 

Also to get the stinger out, Social media is the biggest facade we have ever created in human life. Back in the old roman days you had two faces, one for public one for personal life. Guess which one was truthful and which one a lie? Well Social media is the public face.

 

I also think about breaking NC quite a lot, it's taken a small miracle for me to get this far & it feels like its doing me no good at all (even though in the long run I guess it will). It seems like I think about her even more now. I often wish she would feel the pain i'm feeling, but who knows maybe she is sometimes, i'll never know.

 

Trust me on this one, I also though about it around the time you at right now. I also thought it wasn't helping me. But eventually it does help you.

Maybe she is not feeling the pain you're feeling, maybe it's even worse. Or it is delayed. But also trust me here, BOTH parties are hurting. I honestly do not buy into the whole 'dumpers move one quickly'. They will feel pain equally. They also have to grief the loss, because regardless of how you were there is now something they lost. And nostalgia will make you look better than you were. Same goes for her in your eyes.

 

We all seem to be guys here so Im just going to go ahead and say it, sexual wise the only thing that 'works' for me is her, and I cant seem to help this but obviously it's doing no good getting over her, not sure if anyone else has had this problem?

 

Very true, I also have this idea. We had a very good click on that area. I also really miss that part as well. But I also believe this idea is part of the 'cold-turkey' addiction kicking. In a sense we are addicted to our exes. This is the connection and attachment we have, and the sexual aspect definitely strengthens those two. At this point we are repulsed by anything that remotely resembles that which we had. It's like a really bad hangover, you do not want to think of drinking a single drop the next morning. Hell the **ck no. You pledge loudly and strongly, while feeling like sh*t 'I'll NEVER drink again'.

Take another puke, and crawl into bed, feeling miserable as hell. And you repeat, I'll never go drink again.

As the day progresses, you'll go 'Ok I'll never drink that much again' >> Ok I won't drink that much again for a month >> ok not untill this weekend. >> Maybe I will drink one drink this weekend. mmmh why not now? I am feeling better anyhow.

 

As you said to me, take your time. weeks, months or years. Who gives? Only you can decide when you are ready again to drink Then also you can decide when to date again.

[loip9114]

I’m sure your life was not empty fella, but maybe (and I’m speaking from a similar position here) you gave too much to the relationship at the expense of other aspects of your life. I’ve found that since she went a light was shined at areas of my life that I had let slip, again this was because I was her partner and also her best friend as she didn’t have any. But this is a good opportunity for me (and you) to not so much reinvent but to pursue interests we like. It won’t be an easy road, and I have to graft to re-establish connections with my friends from university, but it’s getting there as I’m sure it will with you.

 

Yep were all dude bros here so and I understand where you’re coming from. And although it worked for you with your ex, in time when your ready it will work better with somebody else, because you will be a stronger person having got through this event in your life and you will also know what will be more compatible with you. And I say this from experience because before for my ex I was with a partner for 5 years.

 

Like you say just a bad day today, but you’re doing good fella, bite down on the mouth guard and keep pushing forward. Also a side to the movies I highly recommend watching some Phineas and Ferb …. I don’t care how old anyone is there is always time for Phineas and Ferb.

 

I agree with that. I actually started asking myself, 'What are the most essential things keeping me together?' I came to sports, music and academic studies. The first to keep me going and strong, and grounded. The second to express my being as well as feelings, the third to really keep me going further and exploring more. So in a sense, one keeps me present, the other helps me come to terms with the past, and the other keeps me looking onwards.

Now I believe these pillars (as I call them) are different for everybody, but they are essential for keeping us upright (hence the name). Knowing these (could be multiple) will help you stand your ground in the hardest of times.

This might also help combat the empty feeling.

 

Hehe some light-hearted stuff is awesome yes.

 

 

Last note, I agree talking with you two is also helping me

[Gettinup]

I agree with that. I actually started asking myself, 'What are the most essential things keeping me together?' I came to sports, music and academic studies. The first to keep me going and strong, and grounded. The second to express my being as well as feelings, the third to really keep me going further and exploring more. So in a sense, one keeps me present, the other helps me come to terms with the past, and the other keeps me looking onwards.

Now I believe these pillars (as I call them) are different for everybody, but they are essential for keeping us upright (hence the name). Knowing these (could be multiple) will help you stand your ground in the hardest of times.

 

That is a fantastic way of looking at it…. My pillars are pretty much like for like to yours, sports … I’ve picked up running again and dusted of my climbing shoes, music….. Got my guitar lessons booked in for next week, and academics… I am compiling my dissertation for my MSc ….. Hand in is November, got the field work done but just need to focus on getting the words down on paper.

[sicx]

Once again I appreciate the replies guys, I do read everything you post thoroughly and it really helps.

 

I'm starting to feel a lot better about everything if i'm honest (hopefully it'll last). Although work still gives me a lot of thinking time, my manager is back off holiday so i'm no longer on my own all the time, and he's a great laugh. I've begun eating properly and planning meals everyday for my workout which gives me something to work towards, i'm also hitting the gym harder and with a friend to keep me motivated, which has begun to show results. I'm seriously starting to look forward to my time away and have planned a lot of bits i've always wanted to do, money doesn't seem to be such an issue now as i'm only saving & spending for myself, not my ex too. I'm spending a lot more time with my family (especially my parents) and seeing my niece and brother in law more too, all of whom have helped a lot throughout this. I've also opened up a little more to friends who i've never been that close to (which was hard to do at first as I dont like to talk that personally to people I dont know well), and got replies which I never would have expected, it's amazing how many people have gone through the same thing, of course this forum, but people I know or have known too.

Maybe that's something that could benefit others? I've found if you're honest about how you're feeling or what you're going through to others, they often give you a very honest answer or sympathy back, it's interesting how much trust and how much common ground you can get from people if you're honest to them.

 

Of course I still think about my ex daily, but im starting to think about the past memories as happy times, not sad. For me, this is a massive achievement. It's not constant however, I still do get down thinking about some memories and how i'll never have that again with her, but in time hopefully this will fade.

I have checked her Facebook about once in 3 days, which I thought was not too bad, once again nothing too interesting really; she looks good, but not amazing to me anymore.

 

Like you say Loip, social media is such a load of crap, she's posting stuff about '10/10 life' and all that which i know hands down is a lie. If we hadn't been together so long I would be upset at the fact her life is so good and she's doing so well, but I know how much her friends piss her off sometimes, how her money situation is not ideal, and how she's got nothing saved for the future. But will she even mention this on her Facebook? Of course not. Social media is not reality, and I guess it bugs me how she's trying to pull of a constant happy, perfect life when it's far from the truth. I saw an image the other day that said 'social media has created jealous behaviour over illusions. Some are envious of friends, relationships & lifestyles that don't even exist.' and I thought how true is that. Although i guess I cant preach too much as i'm guilty of only posting the positive things I want to show off, it's a sad world really.

 

Anyway, it's been a positive step forward I guess. Although like I said it's not all sunshine & rainbows, i'm still struggling with the reality of not having her in my life, I still get constant reminders of her from basically everything (even my cat's bowl today, ), and I do still check my phone in the hope of seeing a message from her. I've also had a few dreams about her, and it's mainly about us getting back together, which is strange because I dont actually want this. It's pretty heartbreaking waking up to the harsh reality that she's gone after a brief few seconds of thinking this all never happened...

[sicx]

So a bit of an update, feeling positive lasted for about 3 days, then it started to go back downhill. The last few days at work have been particularly bad, no where near how I was to begin with but i've been missing her more and more, and it's been hard to keep the positivity in my mind at all.

 

No contact has been going for about 3 and a half weeks, until yesterday morning. As i've mentioned im going to Australia tomorrow which is something i've always wanted to do, it's only a holiday but for me its quite a big thing, and my ex knows this too. She messaged me a big Whatsapp yesterday saying she knows ive wanted to do it for ages, she's happy i am, she hopes I do everything I wanted, she hopes im well, I look good in my pic etc. and ended it with have a safe flight.

I did reply, and to be honest was just myself, had a joke about all the deadly animals that are other there, and said she looks good too and to send my love to her family. I wasn't expecting a reply and I didn't get one, but I know she read it straight away. She also unblocked me on Facebook about 4 days before she sent this message, not sure why.

 

Now to me, this was a win. As i've stated many times in this thread, I know we wouldn't have worked, and the more time goes on the more this thought outdoes anything else. The thing I was really struggling with was someone i've been bestfriends with for 8 years drifting out of my life, that's what scared me, and that's something I just couldn't get my head around. What i'm getting from her actions is she doesn't want that either, she's keeping her word and I didnt think she would, she obviously values me enough to want to (just about) stay in her life; right now that needs to be at a distance, of course.

 

So that's where we are right now, as of tomorrow they'll be no updates for 3 weeks, I may browse this forum but probably wont comment, I hope everyone stays strong and stays positive.

[loip9114]

Sounds good man, I also think it's a win. Your ex texted you and instead of immaturely ignoring it you responded like a normal human-being would. It shows that despite everything you're mature enough to still be decent. My compliments.

 

Unfortunately I cannot say the same in terms of realising we wouldn't have worked out. I've also been missing my ex more the past couple of days. Maybe because I started poking the whole thing a bit more again.

 

Have a great time in Australia! Safe travels.

[Gettinup]

Hey sicx, loip,

 

As loip said it’s a win and shows good progress that you could separate the emotions to give a mature response. Pats on back.

 

We must all be riding the same wave as I also have had a rough day or two!!! Last week was great, but Saturday I went for a run and as I was getting back to the house next door but one stopped to say morning and mentioned they had not seen my wife in a while..... I calmly said she was not my wife and was just my girlfriend..... At which point the neighbour looked a bit sheepish and made a haste exit. Kind of made me laugh at his exit, but then felt like toilet soon after.

 

Anyway lets ride the wave out and get back on to some positive vibes. Have a great trip sicx.

[Gettinup]

Errr fell of the wagon today… phoned the ex up! Reset the NC counter.

 

I had some stuff through for sorting out the house and I needed to arrange it with her. I could have sent a letter or text but decided to call….. Bad move.

Tried to keep it strictly house stuff but I just had to scratch the itch. I’m more disappointed in me that I caved and that I thought I was further along in healing than I actually am. We’ve been broken up for 6 weeks now and it’s hard to erase 10 years in a blink.

 

As we spoke I do actually feel like I got some closure. She acknowledged that I had tried to talk to her about where we were going in our relationship but she couldn’t respond because she feared the answers. Ultimately it’s like I said in my other thread that she needs to find herself and figure out what she wants. I can respect that, and I also know that I was a good partner and tried my best when things became troubled.

 

To put it all on her would be unfair, we all have faults, and now that I am outside the bubble I can see other areas between us that just didn’t work. So feel a bit cr@p …. But not as bad as I was at week 1 which is progress. I wished her well and that she look after herself, she said the same to me.... the house will be sorted next week or so and thats it fully untangled.... I think I can 100% say this chapter is closed.

 

Sometimes great sadness must be endured for us to appreciate the beauty that surrounds us in this world.

[Makeit]

Add me to the list of heartbroken bros. 2 days removed from the end of a 4 year relationship. Im barely functioning. My story is a few posts down. Maybe we can all get thru this together.

[loip9114]

Errr fell of the wagon today… phoned the ex up! Reset the NC counter.

 

I had some stuff through for sorting out the house and I needed to arrange it with her. I could have sent a letter or text but decided to call….. Bad move.

Tried to keep it strictly house stuff but I just had to scratch the itch. I’m more disappointed in me that I caved and that I thought I was further along in healing than I actually am. We’ve been broken up for 6 weeks now and it’s hard to erase 10 years in a blink.

 

As we spoke I do actually feel like I got some closure. She acknowledged that I had tried to talk to her about where we were going in our relationship but she couldn’t respond because she feared the answers. Ultimately it’s like I said in my other thread that she needs to find herself and figure out what she wants. I can respect that, and I also know that I was a good partner and tried my best when things became troubled.

 

To put it all on her would be unfair, we all have faults, and now that I am outside the bubble I can see other areas between us that just didn’t work. So feel a bit cr@p …. But not as bad as I was at week 1 which is progress. I wished her well and that she look after herself, she said the same to me.... the house will be sorted next week or so and thats it fully untangled.... I think I can 100% say this chapter is closed.

 

Sometimes great sadness must be endured for us to appreciate the beauty that surrounds us in this world.

 

No worries, as you guys said to me 2 weeks ago it happens. 6 weeks is not a long time, especially taking a 10 year relationship into account. Don't beat yourself up too much. It took me about 2-3 months to truly start feeling better. As I said it has it's ups and downs, but overal it will be a progressing line if you let it.

Take this event as an example, the regret you feel now. Remember it! The next time you feel like reaching out again, remember this moment. I do that whenever I feel like reaching out, I remember how I've regretted it afterwards and how sh*tty I felt.

 

Also after next week you won't have any more reasons to reach out, therefore you can truly start moving forward/on (whatever description desire to give it). Don't worry if it takes you a couple of months, I know I am being a hypocrit here, but it might take a couple of months to truly be over it. Just remember we are here to listen to you

[Gettinup]

An update…. I have signed the paperwork so I am now just a week or so away pending it all goes smoothly to having the house sorted, I also got the ex's keys back too.

 

It’s crazy how time just evaporates as we carry on with things. It was August time when we spilt and it’s now October!

 

On a positive note as well I have really come to be thankful and appreciative of all my buddies and family who have been super supportive. The breakup highlighted that I had let this area of my life slip; I think generally that can happen in a relationship and fortunately I was still in a good position that I could amend my friendships.

 

Getting quite comfortable living by myself too, looking forward to decorating my space into how I want it…. Plus I now have a music room…. All the guitars!

[sicx]

Hey guys!

So Oz was pretty unreal, and it certainly opened my eyes and put things into perspective. Defiantly one of the best things ive ever done, not only because of the situation im in but just in general.

While I was away, I very rarely thought about her, and even when I did they were very brief thoughts. I no longer really miss her, theres no longer really a pain there at all, unless I really concentrate on things. I dont think about the past much, but when I do, I guess its sort of a 'happy sadness' - I miss the times with her, but im glad we shared them.

 

All of this is good because she's somehow managed to claw her way back into my life, and if im honest, it doesn't really effect me that much.

I know things about what shes done that you shouldn't know within the first 3 months of a breakup, she's really gone off the rails, and if im honest I pity her. Of course hearing about these things wasn't a walk in the park, but it didn't actually bother me as much as you'd think. We've been in contact a fair bit I guess, but I don't want her back, if anything knowing what shes done and how she is makes her a lot less attractive to me. The thing that makes me sad out of all of this is how she used to be, shes changed so much and I don't think it's for the better, but it's her life and if she wants to be that person so be it.

She rang me a few times and I did the decent thing and helped her out of her downward spiral, and she gave me the nice comment of 'you're the only person I thought about ringing' when she was upset; but im aware I need to tread carefully here, Im not going to be the ex who gets 'used' for emotional support then tossed aside when everything is fine.

 

I guess from the outside this sounds a bit unhealthy, and a bit like im torturing myself, but I can honestly say now that I don't feel any desire or need to contact her, and I don't really feel any pain knowing what she's done; if anything I wish her the best in the life she wants to lead, because even after everything I know how special she can be.

In the end i've learnt there's a huge, beautiful world out there and no breakup is going to stop me from seeing it. When you're cooking pasta in the back of a hippy van watching the sunset off the coast of WA, you realise how insignificant these things really are.

 

PS Australia is amazing for girls, and 99% of them are really interesting and really down to earth. Trust, your ex is not that great.

PPS I may not update this thread as much as I did, but I will still lurk, and I will still comment on here when things get low (im sure i'll have bad days). What i've written is not me saying 'oh yay im over her', because im not, and I dont think i will ever be, 4 years doesn't go in 3 months. There are still feelings there for sure, but they're no where near as strong as they were. Do I still love her? As a person, as what she used to be and what we used to have? Without a doubt. Am I still IN love with her? Maybe, but it's fading fast.

 

Anyway I hope you guys are all going strong, I've had a very brief browse and it sounds like you're doing better, keep me informed x

[loip9114]

Sounds good man! It's true that those kind of things put everything in perspective. It may make it easier yeah to move on after hearing her change so much and being in a downward spiral.

I also believe you did a good thing. You know you need to be careful not to be used in her healing process, but regardless you did help someone who reached out for your hand. I only commend people who are willing to help people who need them, it's even more so a strenght of character if it's a person who's really hurt you before. So if no one else says it, you have my compliments!

 

Unfortunately it does not go away in 3 months, then I wouldn't be where I am at right now. I like how you said ' Do I still love her? As a person, as what she used to be and what we used to have? without a doubt' because that's the exact thing I am struggling with at this moment. My mind is telling me it is missing what we had, who she was and all the things we did together. And as I am so bloody stubborn and adamant that I will not give into my fears and anxiety or emotional thoughts to reach out or start stalking, I do not have a current picture of who she is. This does pose on problem, it can be anything therefore also still the one she was. While rationally it wouldn't be that way.

I do have to say, I like it that whenever my head goes like ' yea yea search her up, reach out' that my immediate second thought is 'nope not doing that'. So I will keep up that adamant and stubborn part of me. I just need to truly get to terms again that what I am loving and being in love with is just a memory and not a real presentation of the present.

 

I shot myself in the foot last week, at least so I believe myself and I am a reeling a bit from that still. Overal I am strong enough to get through this again and that I know, maybe this is just the next step.

Because I have been able to come to terms with the breakup, I do accept that it's over and I am currently planning everything in my life in that regard without a second thought or even a hesitation. Do I still hope that she sometimes sees the things I am doing? Yes, I do. I don't know why even tbh, maybe still because I am not over the 'past' her.

Maybe if I am able to finally let go of the image I have of her in my head, maybe then I can truly move on. I don't know tbh, all I do know is that everything I miss are the things in my head. Not the present.