The end of 4 years, really struggling

[sicx]

Let me just say I joined this forum purely to post this thread, and I admire anyone who reads these. I'm hoping writing this post will help me get a lot out of my head so I can put it all in one place, and read back on it so I don't get muddled.

I'll try to be brief, but feel free to skip some of the boring, rambling bits!

 

Anyway bit of background, I'm in my mid 20's and my ex is a little younger. I've known this girl coming up to 8 years now, 4 of which we've been in a relationship. The relationship is long distance, I dunno if this forum is American but I'm from the UK so this long distance is a two hour drive, and we took it in turns most weekends to go up and down. We've done this for 4 years now, and as I got closer to the age I am now, the plan was to move up north with her.

Being long distance, keeping contact was immensely important, we have spoken every day for 8 years, and thats no exaggeration! The contact and commitment both ends has been brilliant, and in times of need and celebration we have been there together, both physically and emotionally.

She was my first love, my rock, and without question my best friend.

 

For the past few months however, our personalities and morals have clashed, and things have been rocky. She's very motivated, positive, selfless and generous; if anything she trusts too easily. Me on the other hand are basically the opposite, i find it hard to motivate myself and I'm more of a realist.

As much as we clash now, we still have the same sense of humour and sarcastic nature, which is what i always loved about her (among 1000's of other things I wont list)

 

A few weeks ago, she ended things with me, she said she couldn't go on how we were and needed someone to treat her how she deserved to be treated. It's a painful thing to hear someone you love say this to you. But in the end, I think shes right, we have become too different, and as much as I try I cant be the person she wants.

We tried to remain in contact, things became flirty and moments of weakness occurred, which pleased me because I was really struggling, but in the end her mind was made up. A few days ago she said we needed less contact as talking was making things too difficult to move on, as much as I agreed, i hated this. I constantly checked my phone for a message and wondered what she was doing, why she was active and not talking to me, whether she even missed me.

So i arranged a call with her, saying I couldn't go on like this as it was doing me no good, this was yesterday evening.

 

The call was extremely civilised, she told me in detail why she had ended things and said deep down I knew it was true, which in all honesty, I do. She said there was no going back, just forward, and that I needed space and time away from her. Once again, this was all true. I admire her for saying things I couldn't bring myself to admit. We agreed we never want to leave each others lives, in fact, it was her who was adamant on this, which was nice to hear. So we blocked each other on all social media, but kept each others numbers for the future, whenever I feel its comfortable to get in contact. The last thing she said to me was i'll never be far from her thoughts, and I cried.

 

In the grand scheme of things, the breakup was dignified and clean, but god this doesn't make it easier. It's been about 36 hours and the pain yesterday and today has been unbearable. In 8 years we've never had a day of not talking but it finally happened, and already the feeling of being alone is scary.

I'm not really an emotional guy, in fact I've been told I'm quite cold most of the time, but I've cried more these last 36 hours than i have the past 10 years.

I feel lonely, rejected and, as much as she denied this, that this was my fault. God I miss her, i miss the communication, the waking up in the morning to a message and her voice as she complains about her life on the phone, but most of all i'll miss holding her. Of course she said this wont be the end, that we'll stay in touch and see each other someday, but at this very moment all I want is her to be mine. I want to be the light of her life like she is mine, but of course this cant happen.

 

I have big plans for the future now but I need to save for 6+ months first, and this means holding down a job with a lot of thinking time, only having about 4 close friends and living in a town where the nightlife is non-existent; whereas she is doing the absolute opposite. My life is dull and she was my sun, that's the harsh reality.

I feel because she hasn't been happy for a while she's been preparing herself for this breakup and getting rid of me, whereas I've been thrown in the deep end. The worst feeling right now is knowing she's probably doing okay, she wont be moping around thinking about our memories, she'll be living her life how she wants too, which is what I should be doing and I know this! But when you still love them and want to live your life with them in it, its hard to tear away.

I don't really want to go too much into it but i'll miss the intimacy too, the thought of her sleeping with someone else is heartbreaking. And for me, the thought of being with another girl is so far from my mind.

 

I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just kind words with this post, sometimes I feel reading other peoples problems makes me feel like I'm not alone, maybe this will help someone else I don't know. Of course it's only been 2 days since the 'real' breakup, but the pain of losing my best friend is almost unimaginable.

[BoredSamurai]

When you talk about your personality and hers, it very much mirrors me and my ex girlfriend. I'm cold and realist too, so I can very much relate. And the reasons for your break up are among the reasons which caused mine.

 

I know it's hard to believe right now, but it's not all your fault. You don't have to feel sorry for who you are, you don't have to make amends for your personality. Of course we can always strive to be better, but ultimately we are who we are. And sometimes we find out we're not that compatibile with the one we love.

 

It takes two to make a relationship, and yours lasted 4 years; it means that, at least for 4 years, she was okay with you being the way you are. She knew right from the beginning who she was with and she agreed to that up to a point. It's hard to say what crossed her mind and what ultimately led her to her decision, but that's how it is. What you can do now is handle your new reality in the most constructive way you can.

 

Which is extremely hard, I know it all too well. Whatever we may say now, you'll be thinking: "Yeah, okay... but I just want her back, this is not my reality!". Give yourself time. These things take time. Don't expect to feel better in a few weeks, perhaps not even in a few months. But do try to minimize the suffering, for what it's possible. Keep cultivating your favorite hobbies, hang out with your closest and most trusted friends, keep doing well at your job.

 

When you say that her life is opposite of yours, and that she's probably doing well, going out... yeah, I know that feeling too. That too mirrors my situation. That's why it's important for you to sever all ties with her, block her on all social media and make it so not even the most minute information about her life slips through. You don't want to know what she's doing. Believe me, you don't. Protect yourself. You'll probably spend entire nights wondering what she might be doing in those very moments, but if you don't know, it hurts less. Ignorance is a bliss in these cases.

 

My friend, it's a long and hard road, but somehow we'll see the end of it.

[sicx]

When you talk about your personality and hers, it very much mirrors me and my ex girlfriend. I'm cold and realist too, so I can very much relate. And the reasons for your break up are among the reasons which caused mine.

 

I know it's hard to believe right now, but it's not all your fault. You don't have to feel sorry for who you are, you don't have to make amends for your personality. Of course we can always strive to be better, but ultimately we are who we are. And sometimes we find out we're not that compatibile with the one we love.

 

It takes two to make a relationship, and yours lasted 4 years; it means that, at least for 4 years, she was okay with you being the way you are. She knew right from the beginning who she was with and she agreed to that up to a point. It's hard to say what crossed her mind and what ultimately led her to her decision, but that's how it is. What you can do now is handle your new reality in the most constructive way you can.

 

Which is extremely hard, I know it all too well. Whatever we may say now, you'll be thinking: "Yeah, okay... but I just want her back, this is not my reality!". Give yourself time. These things take time. Don't expect to feel better in a few weeks, perhaps not even in a few months. But do try to minimize the suffering, for what it's possible. Keep cultivating your favorite hobbies, hang out with your closest and most trusted friends, keep doing well at your job.

 

When you say that her life is opposite of yours, and that she's probably doing well, going out... yeah, I know that feeling too. That too mirrors my situation. That's why it's important for you to sever all ties with her, block her on all social media and make it so not even the most minute information about her life slips through. You don't want to know what she's doing. Believe me, you don't. Protect yourself. You'll probably spend entire nights wondering what she might be doing in those very moments, but if you don't know, it hurts less. Ignorance is a bliss in these cases.

 

My friend, it's a long and hard road, but somehow we'll see the end of it.

This is an amazing reply, I really, really appreciate this. You and me sound like we have a lot in common here.

The stuff in bold is things I have always said or can relate to so much right now.

I've always said, even when we were together, I'm not stupid when it comes to feelings, I'm aware why I feel a certain way, whats causing it, and most of the time, what I can do to try and make it better. But I often lack the motivation to do this, it's SO frustrating, and moments like now are when it comes back and bites me in the ass. Its ironic I used to take the mick out of her constant positive attitude but now, its saved her and doomed me.

 

Shes blocked me on Instagram, Facebook & Snapchat because I told her too. It's strange, theres no real urge to get in contact (yet), the pain comes from just missing her in my life & thinking about the past.

 

But thank you BoredSamurai, I've just got back from the gym and was feeling really down but reading this has lifted my spirits a bit, cheers!

Can I ask how long it took for you for things to start feeling less painful? Or are you still going through the process

[sicx]

I forgot to mention she's lost a lot of weight recently & got REALLY hot, which is just another kick in the balls for me.

[BoredSamurai]

Yeah, same here: she's quite hot, which doesn't make things easier. However, in my case, she's already got a new boyfriend - who actually was one of the reasons she dumped me. Not the only reason, there were problems before he even entered the picture, but he was able to slip into the cracks in our relationship. She's bright, optimistic, outgoing (the opposite of me!), and he gives her the levity and the attentions apparently I didn't give her. So I speak from direct experience: having the certainty that she's with someone else is horrible. The thought that she's doing with him all the things she used to make with me (I don't just mean sex - everything else too) is like receiving multiple stabs in the back. Some days it's unbearable. Protect yourself from all of this: not knowing for certain is a hundred times better, trust me on this.

 

As of how much time did it had to pass before I started to feel better... well, it's been 4 months since she left me and 3 months since I last had any contact with her (and it wasn't peaceful, not at all), but I'm not sure I really feel better. Until a couple of weeks ago I had my full-time job to keep myself occupied, but as of now I'm on vacation, which means I've got a lot of free time - time in which my mind is free to wander in places it shouldn't go.

 

You say you're very much aware of yourself, of your feelings and what causes them, yet you're unable to find the necessary motivation to do anything about your problems. Again, it's very similar to how I am, so it's possible we also deal with pain in a similar way: we dwell on it, we spend way too much time analyzing ourselves and our actions, we blame ourselves for everything and, instead of taking the steps to move on, we stay put where we are and wallow in self-pity. Am I right?

 

This way of dealing with emotions doesn't help us one bit in a situation like this. There's a physiological time the human mind needs to detach itself to a person we loved, and it's probably no less than a few months, but this time can be prolonged indefinitely if we don't manage our pain correctly. After all, we know what we should do to make things at least a bit easier on us... the problem is that we don't do it!

 

What I can say is that not having any contact with her has helped me at least to not be as obsessed as I was the first few weeks. It's a little improvement, I guess. So, be strong in your No Contact policy. There will be moments in which you'll want nothing but hear her voice, no matter what, but tell yourself that nothing good can come out of it. On the contrary, it'll cause you to relive rejection once again. When the urge comes, do something else, something you like. Or speak with some other person, someone trusted who understands you. Or write on these forums, I'm finding quite cathartic to spend time here. We're pretty much all on the same boat here, so there'll be no shortage of people who feel the same as you!

 

Oh, and take a look at this website:

The name might make you think of those sites who want to sell you some expensive guide on getting your girlfriend back, but it's not. It's all free and it's a collection of wonderfully written articles about breaking up and recovering done by someone who put a lot of dedication into it. Even 4 months after the break up, I still go there sometimes to re-read them all.

[sicx]

I'm really sorry to hear that bro, I cant imagine what that feels like. I think it's only a matter of time before that happens here too, although hopefully I won't actually know. As far as I know she's 'concentrating on herself', which is the usual BS for doing whatever she wants and getting with whoever she wants, but like you say, ignorance is bliss. Although my mind does run away with itself the more I think about this...

 

Vacation wise, is it time off work at home or time away to a new place? I've actually booked myself a flight to Australia in 4 weeks to stay with a friend, and I'm hoping the sheer scale and uncertainty (first time travelling alone, new place) will take my mind off everything.

What do you do as a job? If anything I struggle more when i'm at work, my job is fairly skilled, but at the minute there's big orders and it's very mundane, aka plenty of thinking time.

 

Pretty much right with this one too. I want to change things so badly, but I just don't know where to start, so I don't start. Then I get angry at myself and just slip into the same old comfortable pattern. Its a vicious circle of not trying enough, and naturally failing.

 

At the minute, the no contact is helping. Like you say the obsession when I could reach out to her was unhealthy, if anything I was more angry and upset than I am now. Of course it's early days, but I imagine the urge to get in contact will get strong at times, so i'll come back to what you said when it does. If i'm honest I just feel alone right now.

 

How's talking to other people going for you? Do you live at home or on your own? No worries if you don't want to get too personal here but at the minute it seems like we're on the same wavelength, maybe we can ease each other forward a bit.

Also that website looks decent, gunna have a read of a few articles now.

[BoredSamurai]

I work in administration in an office and it's usually quite frenetic, so I don't really have the time for anything other than doing my job. Which is good, for me.

 

You made an excellent choice by booking a trip in Australia. I'm sure it'll help you get some distance from what happened. I went a few days to my best friend's place, not far from where I live, and that has helped me too. I spent most of the vacation at home, though... and that hasn't helped. It's not just that most of my friends were out for their own vacations, it's also that since she left me I usually don't feel like seeing anyone (except for a very few people). I was never the "life of the party" (which was one the reasons which deteriorated my relationship, in the long run), but being left alone has turned me into even more of a loner. I keep telling me it's just a phase, that I'll snap out of it. But... will I? It's a pattern that you too know well: you perfectly recognize what your problems are, but you never take not even a step in the right direction.

 

Sometimes I also think that a new relationship could help me get back on track, but 1) finding a woman seems so hard; 2) finding the right woman seems SO hard!; 3) I'm not sure I'm in the right disposition to commit into a new relationship. However, it has actually happened to me, in the past, to jump from a serious relationship to another, and it helped me greatly in forgetting the previous girl. The second relationship actually lasted quite some of time, more than the first.

 

But this time everything seems so much more difficult. Perhaps it's because I'm older or because I really thought she was the one. There was a lot of talk about living together, build our future together... and then - poof - all gone, like it was a dream. If there's something this relationship has taught me, is to never fully trust anyone. Anyone. Not even the person closest to you, the one who says who would never do anything harmful to you and who'll love you forever. They're just words. And words are often meaningless.

[sicx]

My friend in Oz is actually going through a breakup at the minute too, 2 years & living together and it's over, so its comforting having someone I know going through the same thing, as much as it sucks overall.

Being around people defiantly helps, although I find some people who have not really been through the same level offer fairly ty 'brutal' advice, which doesn't land too well when you're still a bit of an emotional wreck.

Having said this I've been feeling the same, talking to people at work has been a nightmare, mainly because I cant actually explain it all without breaking down, which is not really acceptable at the work place so I just mope forward not saying much. But the thought of joining clubs and being sociable is the last thing on my mind too.

 

Yet another thing in common, neither was I, and she was. She was VERY sociable and found making friends and chatting very easy, me on the other hand found it difficult. I wouldn't go as far as saying I was social recluse, I just didn't like most people enough to make the effort. Family/friends often said it was a strange match, me being so quiet and her being the opposite.

I can't comment too much on new relationships, right now I cant think of anything worse if I'm honest, my only thought process is no one can ever be as good as her, which is funny considering I know she had many faults and we didnt work.

 

I cant get over that either, one minute you're holding hands, hearing their voice on the phone, telling them about your day, then they're gone. Leaving you with emotion but no one to give it to, its unbelievable. And the more you try and work out how it happened the more upsetting it becomes. The world is ruthless, and the mind is a dangerous thing.

[loip9114]

I completely agree with BoredSamurai, block and go NC. Not to spite her, not to get her back, but for you. Get a space which is free from memories and all other stuff. So you can deal with this, go through the process.

Due to the hurt you'll definitely only see her as the perfect human being no one can touch her. That's also why I am currently not really dating yet. I would also advice not to do it too fast, because in my own experience I noticed that dating too soon will only cause you shame and even worse kickstart your love for your ex again. As you actually would rather be with her than this girl in front of you. The want to date and the desire for another will come back in time.

 

That's the best thing I can tell you, personally I am impatient as hell. So I want to do everything I can to get further. Unfortunately emotions do not dissolve over-night. So it takes time, but also effort. And this is the part you can do something with. Because as time moves on you will feel better, trust me on that. The first month was horrendous, the second still s*cked, the third is going meh. I am not out of the woods yet, still some internal conflict. Need to figure that one out to move further again.

 

So some tips;

1) Really make an 'ex-free' space. Meaning, no pictures, no online/offline-stalking, no memento's, also ask all your close friends and relatives to not tell anything. You do not want to know anything more than you need at this point. Perhaps you also do not want her friends or anything on your social media. These are ways to get through this space. Really make this space for yourself. Because every little reminder is one to many. You already have your mind running marathons on your ex.

2) The love you wanted to give to your ex. Give it to yourself! You need it now more than ever. Strange as it is, but really be kind to yourself. Make sure your thoughts about yourself are comforting and not hurting yourself. Nobody except you will get worse from hurting yourself. So it will do you no good.

3) Focus on yourself, be a bit egoistical. You can be, you're emotional even if you say you're a realist. You still have emotions. So be a bit me me me now.

4) Take it easy. Do not worry about where you want to be every day, I do this myself and it's only making me annoyed. Things will come when they come. When you are ready to date again, you will know it and you will feel it. You will get there, but you cannot rush there. This whole thing is a step-by-step journey, it's annoying me senseless, but it is.

5) It goes in circles. Some days are going great, then the next you will feel awfull. Then great, awfull. This whole thing is not a straight line from A to B. So you will revisit some stages now and then. Just know this, in general you will get better and better. I see it as a sinusoid going upwards.

 

Also, keep posting here. Most of us do read a lot of the posts and quite some are willing to give some advice.

Best wishes! You'll get there just like we all do

oh yeah, that website is really nice. There is also this guy elsewhere [url=" who wrote the 'realist guide to breakups' as you mention yourself being a realist. You might like it

[BoredSamurai]

There is also this guy elsewhere

 

Great site. I'm reading it right now and I'm liking it a lot. I like the style of the author and his methodical - almost scientific - approach to the subject.

[sicx]

I completely agree with BoredSamurai, block and go NC. Not to spite her, not to get her back, but for you. Get a space which is free from memories and all other stuff. So you can deal with this, go through the process.

Due to the hurt you'll definitely only see her as the perfect human being no one can touch her. That's also why I am currently not really dating yet. I would also advice not to do it too fast, because in my own experience I noticed that dating too soon will only cause you shame and even worse kickstart your love for your ex again. As you actually would rather be with her than this girl in front of you. The want to date and the desire for another will come back in time.

 

That's the best thing I can tell you, personally I am impatient as hell. So I want to do everything I can to get further. Unfortunately emotions do not dissolve over-night. So it takes time, but also effort. And this is the part you can do something with. Because as time moves on you will feel better, trust me on that. The first month was horrendous, the second still s*cked, the third is going meh. I am not out of the woods yet, still some internal conflict. Need to figure that one out to move further again.

 

So some tips;

1) Really make an 'ex-free' space. Meaning, no pictures, no online/offline-stalking, no memento's, also ask all your close friends and relatives to not tell anything. You do not want to know anything more than you need at this point. Perhaps you also do not want her friends or anything on your social media. These are ways to get through this space. Really make this space for yourself. Because every little reminder is one to many. You already have your mind running marathons on your ex.

2) The love you wanted to give to your ex. Give it to yourself! You need it now more than ever. Strange as it is, but really be kind to yourself. Make sure your thoughts about yourself are comforting and not hurting yourself. Nobody except you will get worse from hurting yourself. So it will do you no good.

3) Focus on yourself, be a bit egoistical. You can be, you're emotional even if you say you're a realist. You still have emotions. So be a bit me me me now.

4) Take it easy. Do not worry about where you want to be every day, I do this myself and it's only making me annoyed. Things will come when they come. When you are ready to date again, you will know it and you will feel it. You will get there, but you cannot rush there. This whole thing is a step-by-step journey, it's annoying me senseless, but it is.

5) It goes in circles. Some days are going great, then the next you will feel awfull. Then great, awfull. This whole thing is not a straight line from A to B. So you will revisit some stages now and then. Just know this, in general you will get better and better. I see it as a sinusoid going upwards.

 

Also, keep posting here. Most of us do read a lot of the posts and quite some are willing to give some advice.

Best wishes! You'll get there just like we all do

oh yeah, that website is really nice. There is also this guy elsewhere

 

Those tips are spot on, and very useful, I can relate to tonnes of those right now.

I'm struggling with my head right now, it's only been a week and things have gone all over the place, the NC has been shattered and although I have no desire to get back with

her I still love her like crazy. I'm trying to move on way to quick and its causing all sorts of carnage in my head.

 

I'm going to dump a load of stuff that's happened this past week here now and this, again, is mainly for my own benefit. But feel free to read if you like.

So if anyone's noticed I posted in the 'Broken the NC thread' the other day, no prizes for guessing why, but here's the story.

My ex sells products for a company and when we were together I used to buy my protein power from her just to help her out (and I got a discount), turns out this stuff is nice and full of mainly good stuff. 2 days ago so I Whatsapp'd her asking for another bag, pretty basic message overall, she took ages to reply and it was polite but cold, pretty much how she speaks to random guys and any other customer. I cracked then, basically said this is so hard for me and called her a robot, that it's not effecting her.

She didn't reply, just blocked me. I knew as soon as I even typed anything it was wrong, but there was no control at all, it's scary. First I was gutted, very angry and upset, how can someone you know for 8 years and had been your best friend for 4 be so heartless? It honestly boggles my mind.

Turns out about 7 hours later I've been unblocked, but I didn't question this and left it.

A day later, I got a call from her while I was at work, she actually phoned me up to make sure I was okay with what was going on, as my message clearly stated I wasn't. I basically said I've got loads of things to look forward to but I can't stop missing her, going from so much contact to nothing was really hard for me, and repeated the fact she seemed okay. She also said she wasn't doing as well as she made out, and her positive mindset was getting her through. But she said anything she could do to make it easier for me she world try. I said the NC WAS working so stick to that, we said bye and that was that. Until today when she messaged me saying do I still want protein, stupidly I said yes and sent over the money and she'll send it out ASAP.

 

Basically most of this was bad, I shouldn't have done anything in the first place. Granted it was nice to hear her say she cares how I feel, but what good does this do me? I haven't benefited from any of this contact, it's just made me look weak in front of the one person who shouldn't see me as weak. Once again the contact has resurrected hope where there is no hope.

I've also began the thoughts (which I try to fight) of her seeing someone else, both physically and emotionally, and this thought is HORRIFIC. I don't know anything she's doing as I didn't ask, I cant see anything of hers, and I'm 99% sure there's no one right now; but I know before we split the amount of guys that were buzzing around and it's only a matter of time before one sneaks in. The real problem I'm having is with her (seemingly) moving so fast in the 'doing okay now i'm single' direction, she will start getting with random people, whereas I cant bear to do this. I'm trying to compare my life with hers, and emotionally we're both at very different points with me being so far behind.

I try to not think about this, to think about myself and the fact i'm not ready, but all this contact has really messed me up.

[loip9114]

I'm struggling with my head right now, it's only been a week and things have gone all over the place, the NC has been shattered and although I have no desire to get back with

her I still love her like crazy. I'm trying to move on way to quick and its causing all sorts of carnage in my head.

 

Oh yeah that's definitely normal at this point! My head ran marathons both on all the things my ex and I did together as well as just kept on going and going.

At first I changed the obsession I had over my ex into an obsession into getting over her. Or at least getting through this breakup. You cannot just drop an obsession, changing it is easier. So I got to searching, writing, doing pretty much everything I could to get me through it.

Trying to move on too quickly will do damage yes, but the fastest way to get through this breakup is to go straight through as I call it. You can go around it through running away, you can deny it etc. But if you accept reality (as you are already doing, really good!) and deal with it, that's the quickest route. A tough one, but the quickest.

That love won't fade for a while, I am almost 3 months in after a 3.5 year relationship and I still love and care for her. And that fades slowly. I saw it this way, you do not get rid of an emotion you've been building for 4 years in mere weeks. So accept that it's there, most likely it hurts like hell at this point. It did/does for me.

 

1 tip I might give about the thoughts is to use 'non-judgment', simply put whenever a thought comes up just let it be there. Apparently it wants to and apparently you want to think of it. Trying to fight it will strengthen it, trying not to think of it will cause you to think of it. But not labelling it as anything will make it fade away quicker. I also learned to meditate this last month. Kind of nice, hard for me to learn. Never been into that kind of stuff. Still not believing in chakra's and bull... :

 

Also do not be afraid to switch tactics, whenever something isn't working at one point don't think got to go harder, better, faster, stronger. But switch tactic, it is alright to return to something you've tried before and didn't work. It might work later, or work again later on. Sometimes you need a screwdriver, sometimes a hammer.

 

A day later, I got a call from her while I was at work, she actually phoned me up to make sure I was okay with what was going on, as my message clearly stated I wasn't. I basically said I've got loads of things to look forward to but I can't stop missing her, going from so much contact to nothing was really hard for me, and repeated the fact she seemed okay. She also said she wasn't doing as well as she made out, and her positive mindset was getting her through. But she said anything she could do to make it easier for me she world try. I said the NC WAS working so stick to that, we said bye and that was that. Until today when she messaged me saying do I still want protein, stupidly I said yes and sent over the money and she'll send it out ASAP.

 

In the first 3 weeks I broke NC every week. After that I got to it and I am past day 60 now, going to stop counting so it isn't in my head every day. Keep NC up for as long as you need, the 30-days, 60 or 90 does not matter. The NC only matters for your healing. If not healed keep going. Could be about 142 days that you need (just saying something). That's all good.

I think you did right man, telling her how you actually feel. Being honest with yourself might be the best thing to do. It will keep you from regretting things down the line. I also at one point told her I was having a hard time and that I still cared for her. I do not regret it, I did it for myself to get things off my chest. Not to get pity or anything. Be truthfull to yourself, I believe it will help you in really keeping leveled and grounded during this period.

 

Granted it was nice to hear her say she cares how I feel, but what good does this do me?

 

Not much no, but it's fine. It's a nice gesture, but it is best to do this without her now.

 

I've also began the thoughts (which I try to fight) of her seeing someone else, both physically and emotionally, and this thought is HORRIFIC. I don't know anything she's doing as I didn't ask, I cant see anything of hers, and I'm 99% sure there's no one right now; but I know before we split the amount of guys that were buzzing around and it's only a matter of time before one sneaks in. The real problem I'm having is with her (seemingly) moving so fast in the 'doing okay now i'm single' direction, she will start getting with random people, whereas I cant bear to do this. I'm trying to compare my life with hers, and emotionally we're both at very different points with me being so far behind.

I try to not think about this, to think about myself and the fact i'm not ready, but all this contact has really messed me up

 

Ah yeah, these fears are horrible. I have them as well. Same goes for me, people were buzzing around her and she might get with random guys. Then again it's not really her style, but yeah. Also she knows girls were buzzing around me, but I was blind to it. Now she knew I blinded myself, so she might have the same fear.

Though that means nothing. I know nothing as well, to be honest I am in the camp of 'ignorance is bliss'. Some might saying knowing is good, it finalizes it and you get to really move on. But I think you can also finalize it for yourself without this knowledge.

But these fears they will remain for a while. I believe they stem from the fact that you have an attachment to her and therefore you fear this. Her moving on faster, having another etc. It all finalizes the fact there is on return, which your mind knows, but your heart doesn't feel yet. After a while the attachment grows less and the fears will grow less as well. Do not push this as well, as it will only make it worse.

 

I would like to point out that you do not need to put 'seemingly' in parenthesis. I can almost certaintly tell you, it is seemingly. It has been a very short time since the breakup, she has NOT moved on. If she gets with a random guy it will blow up in her face. I can almost certaintly guarantee that. My ex seemingly was having a joyous time after the breakup. I just noticed her eyes, they were tired and I've always guessed correctly based on her look. Also, she suddenly wore sunglasses a lot.

 

But you are right, try to keep the focus on yourself. Contact messes you up for a while, memento's mess you up for a while. Stalking messes you up. Do not worry about it. I call the first couple of weeks post-breakup the 'mad phase'. This is when the emotions are so overwhelming that you go absolutely mad. You are not yourself at this time, you do not feel remotely normal or anything. Part of your world has been shattered. So it's natural be be going a bit crazy.

A mindset I try to keep is the neutral mindset. This might be horrific but the fear of her being with another is just as likely as her not being with someone. Her moving on is just as likely as her not moving on. As you do not know anything all is equally likely. So in the grant scheme of it, things level out. It becames neutral. Also do you notice it when she is with another or not? You wouldn't notice if unless you stalk her or she tells you, or you bump into her (my biggest fear, bumping into her AND seeing her with another then). But all in all, it means everything can happen and nothing can happen. There is no way to change the outcome, so worrying too much over it will only hurt me. NOW this is easier said than done, and I still worry. But it also gives me a way out.

 

Assumptions are also worthless I noticed. Because they either create hope where there is none, or they create despair where it is not needed. All for things that might or might not be true. As I mentioned to myself there are only 2 facts that matter.

1) My relationship has been broken up. It is over and I am single now.

2) I am hurting like hell.

 

All the other things are assumptions, fears, and thoughts. Things that do not necessarily hold true in reality, thus I cannot really create a path based on that. So using those two facts I worked on getting to terms with that. Get over the hurt and get good with being single again. Eventually you'll see the benefits, not now and no need to rush it.

Oh yeah and as you said comparing yourself to her, it is natural to do that. But it's best to try and stop it. It's not a race and what she does is not something that might work for you.

 

Keep it up, most of us will always read it. I at least read pretty much anything.

[sicx]

You speak a lot of truth loip9004

I think updating this thread and reading other peoples problems really eases my pain. I did write a few letters (i'd never send) but they're more about how I feel overall rather than directed at my ex, but that also helped.

I'd love to get into meditation but I don't think I have the right mindset to do it, that was more her type of thing, 'miracle mornings' and gratitude and the like. I actually asked her in the original phone call if she could recommend a book to help me with my attitude, which she did and surprise I haven't bought it yet. I really don't help myself

 

I had a bit of an epiphany today which actually made me really sad. When I really thought about me and her, deep down I know that we are not meant to be, we just are too different, and as much as I love her company and spending time with her, in the long run I think we would have a lot of problems and clashes.

Its painful to admit this because I wanted us to work SO much, she still is everything to me, I love her and I don't want to lose her. It's such a weird situation and I'm really struggling with it. I'm conflicted between needing to move on, but not wanting to leave her behind, even though I know both can't work together.

I honestly think it would be easier If i hated her, but I just can't, even now when she's broken my heart she did it for the right reasons and there's nothing but respect from me towards her.

 

I totally get your point, there's no point going over, worrying, about anything in my head when i'm not certain its happened. There's no point except causing me more pain.

In the end, like you said about your girl, it's not her style either.

 

Once she's got through this stage of independence, of seeing her friends as much as she can and living life how she wants to live it (which she told me to do on the phone), she'll start to miss us. As much as I was a pain in the arse sometimes & I didn't put in enough enthusiasm & effort, I never doubted her, I always supported her in whatever she wanted to do and comforted her when things went wrong; I think she'll miss that at some point, although she'll never tell me.

 

So yeah, i guess today restarted another attempt at NC, so far so good but deep down what am I hoping for most? A message or call from her. Great

[loip9114]

I know man, I am also not really the type for it. I've always prided myself in my down to earth rationality. Scientific, rational, realistic, not spiritual in any sense. But I set myself to it, because meditation in itself is not really a whole 'miracle mornings' and gratitude like kind of thing. I'll never believe in chakra's, feng sui and the like. But meditation in my eyes is something that can live on its own.

In the sense it can be used as a tool, either to calm yourself or clear your mind as to unblock your thinking process etc. I dont think it will give me that inner peace and happiness, but it might give me some rest and relaxation in the hardest of times. Which is a great benefit. So I see it just like sporting, something to ease your mind for a bit.

 

I wrote those letters too, also some adressing my ex. They really helped me as well.

 

Very harsh epiphany yes, I had that with my first ex as well. Was still attached to her after knowing it. Haven't come to that epiphany yet with this one. But yeah, love is blind is really right. It is emotional and emotions are illogical as sh*t.

Same goes for me, I want to go back, but also move forward. I keep calling it moving forward as it implies progression. While moving on implies you need to leave something behind. It's a stupid little distinction, but sometimes that is just what makes the difference. For example, some people still say 'my girlfriend and I broke up'. I immediatly went to calling her my ex, and in the first conversation we had after the breakup I also referred to myself as her ex.

The anger will come trust me, it's a stage you'll go through at some point. With me it only lasted 1 week, sadly because it gave me quite a kickstart to move. But no hate, I cannot bring myself to hate her. And maybe that's not even necessary. Maybe we do not need to hate someone to leave it behind. I also still hold love for deceased relatives. While it's different it just shows you can leave somebody in the past, but still hold love for them. And it is best to leave our exes in the past. Because the ones we loved are not the ones that currently exist (that's how I view it).

 

Oh yeah, they'll miss us. They'll never forget us. My ex never forgot her first boyfriend which was an utter and complete a-hole. So while I might have been lethargic at some times and not as energetic as her. I was honest, I was sweet and loving, trusting and supporting. Her family liked me, the majority of her friends liked me (not completely sure if all), and yeah comforting and hugging at the lowest points.

 

I know, I've actually reached my goal today. PARTY!!! It is harsh and very tough. But so worth it, trust me on that. I started the 29th of June and today was my second goal. I had the first on 1st of august. Make small goals. Say things like I will not contact for 3 days, after that change it again to 1 week etc. Give yourself a reward after the first week, then after the second etc. It requires discipline and willpower, ah man it does. But you'll get there, and even after all this time. I still wish she would contact me.

[sicx]

Yeah I get you, it would probably benefit me quite a lot actually. I'm generally a pretty calm, chilled guy over all maybe meditation would be something I could 'pick up' quite easily I dunno. At the minute i'm willing to try anything to try and get rid of some of these feelings to be honest, i'm REALLY up and down. It's mainly the mornings when I feel so upset, usually as the day goes on and I see more people it picks up but whenever i'm alone, the cogs of the mind start turning again and it's hell. I really dread work at the minute purely for this reason.

 

That's a good way of looking at it actually, but i'm still so torn, everything's still so fresh; if I close my eyes I can see her house, her pets, her car, her family, all so vividly. Its just so harsh.

Anger wise, it comes and goes, i'm angry at her ability to easily move on and cut me out completely, but it's a mix of anger and sadness really. Then again like she said, when she's alone and not so busy she's got to feel bad, you can't cut someone out after 8years and have no feelings you just can't. This eases my pain sometimes.

Fact is she'll always be reminded of me because I laid her wood flooring in her room so jokes on her really.

 

In an ideal world I wish i could remove all my romantic feelings for her and we could just stay as best friends, because that's also what i'm missing most and what i'm struggling to let go of. Someone to talk to about anything and everything, someone to ask about my day and hear about theirs, granted i have close friends that are male but sometimes it's not the same.

I guess on a positive note being around friends really helps, my weekends do tend to be fairly full and when I do spend time with my mates I forget about all this completely. It's only when I leave, or when they go home, that i check my phone and wish I could talk to her.

 

Congrats on reaching your goal, i'm not sure if I should count or not. The way i'm feeling now not having any contact with her for 30 days is something I fear, but it's got to happen I suppose. I think i'll just take every day as it comes.

[sicx]

Bumping my own thread as I'm using this as a 'diary' I guess.

 

It's coming up to five days of NC now, and I've been so up and down it's unbelievable. There's been times when I don't think of her at all, times when I think of myself and how this should benefit me, and times that I miss her so much I almost feel like crying.

I still wonder how she's able to be so okay with not saying a word to me after all these years, but I also came to the conclusion that her life is ALOT busier than mine right now. She sees a lot of people everyday and has countless 'meetings', gym workouts and social interaction. Whereas I'm stuck in a job where 7 out of 8 hours a day it's nothing but thinking time (right now being one of those times). In the long run however, this is only going to benefit me, she will realise in time life can be cruel and her somewhat fake life of making little to no money will be a problem. She told me to live life to the full, at the minute thats difficult but give it time and my life will be better then hers. I guess this is anger coming out now.

 

I've been trying to do more things and plan more for my trip, but the relentless buzzing of missing her and desperately wanting to talk to her is always there.

I can't break NC again though, I've already looked so weak in front of her and it gives me no joy anyway, we'll never talk how we used to. Maybe last week was the last time I heared her voice, thinking about this fills me with a black hole of sadness.

[sicx]

Not sure if anyone reads this anymore, but anyone who does sorry to keep bumping my own thread, won't do it too often.

 

It's been about 9 days NC now, and i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact we wouldn't work, I've had a few good days where I've thought about myself and my future which has been good. I think, I will see her again, but when both our lives are completely different, who knows what could happen in a year, or 3 years from now, this is not hope for a relationship but hope for a frienship. But i've also had days where i've been really struggling, I had an incredibly low point at work the other day and actually had to go outside and cry (briefly), and I hadn't done that in a week or so before this.

I keep deleting and re-installing tinder, I get a few matches but i'm still so not interested in anyone, although I feel it may help to occupy my mind with another girl I feel it's unfair on both her and me, especially since anyone I would 'go after' would already be a kind of friend to me as I don't feel like making any effort going after anyone new.

 

I spoke to my ex's mum the other day about the order I placed with my ex, just a quick message as I didn't want to get into things, I asked how she (my ex) was doing. Her mum replied she's up & down but determined to stay strong, she also mentioned her family are thinking of me. It made things a bit easier for me knowing my ex wasn't doing as well as I thought, but she is incredibly strong, I wish both her and her family the best. On the other hand I feel upset thinking about this, as it was always me who comforted her when she was down, I wish I could do that now but that wouldn't quite make sense now, huh.

 

The stabbing, harsh pain of missing her has developed into a dull ache really, it's always there in my mind but I just tend to get on, some days i feel it more than others. I think in time I could get over the 'girlfriend' side of things, the holding hands, cuddling, kissing etc. but getting over the friendship we had is something i'm going to really struggle with.

I still long for a message from her, but I know it wont happen, I guess I dont look at my phone that much anymore.

[loip9114]

I lurk in pretty much all threads xD especially the ones I replied to earlier.

 

Seems to be going in the good direction. It's good to come to terms of you not working out. It's a sad realization, but it does help you move. Unfortunately I couldn't come to that conclusion, so I just have to get my strength through willpower and self-discipline. Aye a friendship will definitely take about that time. As long as you have feelings I would highly advice you to not settle for a friendship. It would break you as long as you are attracted or have any feelings towards her.

As for dating, I haven't dated anybody yet nor do I feel the need to. I don't even get dating apps or anything. I do go to bars and talk to people, it is a really fun way to socialize and have fun. I like this method as it kind of leaves the possibility of getting a date or anything open, but it is not the main purpose. It something happens, it happens. If not, that's fine too. But I am not chasing anyone yet. That will come.

Also if you are up front about the matter or anything I don't think it is a bad thing. You honestly tell them and if they still date you then go for it.

 

Didn't expect anything less tbh. Breakups suck for both parties, despite what people say about the dumpers getting off more easily. I honestly believe that both have it hard. The dumpee from the shock and broken trust etc. The dumper also for the loss of the relationship and the knowledge of their choice. They might regret it one day. The dumpee's can never regret a thing. This is all speaking from breakups not instigated by cheating or abuse. Those are a whole different thing.

But about comforting her, that's understandable. For 4 years you were her main emotional support, as she was yours. That is lost during the breakup. You need to get a new emotional support system or at least change it. It wouldn't make sense no, because comforting her is part of a relationship package deal. I believe that things like support, caring, love and all those other things that come with a relationshp are a whole package deal. It's all or nothing. Now it is nothing for her.

 

Yes, this dulling is good. My ex is still on my mind every day and I am 3 months in and 70 days NC. I do have to say it works wonders. More and more I forget her and more and more I can focus on myself. Slowly the enjoyment of my new life comes back and the benefits of being single. I do have to say those 'girlfriend' things are the things I miss the most. The friendship in my eyes is part of that. But yes this will also slowly get better.

 

But as I said, it sounds like your going in the right direction. Keep it up

[sicx]

It's good to know someone else reads these, I lurk here almost everyday now, sometimes i read through my own posts as I can get confused as to what has actually been going on and what days what!

 

I think you're very right about both parties in a breakup, and like you say, especially true when things ended in a mutual way.

Although I've been having a real tough time this weekend purely because it's been so empty, I have had very little to do and all my friends have been busy, i've really been struggling if im honest, and i've actually been getting really upset. It's frustrating because I thought i've been moving forwards a little, but I guess that's life. In all honesty I think it's just loneliness.

My mind keeps drifting off to what my ex is doing now, going out and the like, which is doing my absolutely NO good. Like you said before, im not certain of anything, my mind just jumps to the worst possible scenario, its almost like self destruct. I have her on whatsapp and made the mistake of unblocking her over the weekend, she's got a new photo and holy sh*t she looks absolutely stunning. That's basically been the final nail in the coffin of this write off of a weekend really.

So yeah, not feeling good at all right now! Also cheers for the advice/reading what I post loip, it's nice knowing im not just talking to myself

[Gettinup]

Hi all,

 

This thread reads as if it is the exact same of what I am going through. I joined the this site as it sure does help to read how other people cope and push forward. I was with my ex for 10 years and we broke up couple of weeks ago. We lived together and brought our first house in 2015, so I have the pleasure in trying to go no contact but also sort out buying her out of the mortgage.

 

I've removed all the triggers from the house and all of her stuff is gone, but its still so fresh at the moment.

[loip9114]

It's good to know someone else reads these, I lurk here almost everyday now, sometimes i read through my own posts as I can get confused as to what has actually been going on and what days what!

 

I think you're very right about both parties in a breakup, and like you say, especially true when things ended in a mutual way.

Although I've been having a real tough time this weekend purely because it's been so empty, I have had very little to do and all my friends have been busy, i've really been struggling if im honest, and i've actually been getting really upset. It's frustrating because I thought i've been moving forwards a little, but I guess that's life. In all honesty I think it's just loneliness.

My mind keeps drifting off to what my ex is doing now, going out and the like, which is doing my absolutely NO good. Like you said before, im not certain of anything, my mind just jumps to the worst possible scenario, its almost like self destruct. I have her on whatsapp and made the mistake of unblocking her over the weekend, she's got a new photo and holy sh*t she looks absolutely stunning. That's basically been the final nail in the coffin of this write off of a weekend really.

So yeah, not feeling good at all right now! Also cheers for the advice/reading what I post loip, it's nice knowing im not just talking to myself

 

Hehe, what you say all sounds very similar to my experience. I've been there too. I also saw a photo of my ex shortly after the breakup and damn I found her very attractive.

Also the first ever weekend I was completely alone with noone around, I literally went into a panic attack. It was 2-3 weeks after the breakup. My mind started spiralling out of control. Especially with all those types of thougths you describe. I was literally self-destructing yes.

I hope that helps a bit. I've been there, and those times are really tough. But you'll get through with willpower and self-discipline.

 

But this weekend I've been at home pretty much doing nothing and all is well. I don't need to fill every weekend any longer. Nor are the thoughts of her being out and dating other guys as horrible as they were before. So trust me, it gets better. It really really does. I am 3 months in, expecting to be busy till at least December. So not over it yet but it is very bearable now. I hope that gives you some hope and possible timeframe. 3 months may sound like an eternity right now. But you will be there before you know it. Everybody takes their own time, if you are faster awesome. If you are a bit slower don't beat yourself up.

You have been moving forward, and you will keep doing that. 2 steps forward, 1 step back. One tip here, My reference point is the days immediatly after the breakup. So really those first insane days. I compare how I am doing on any day to those days. Because it cannot get worse than that

[Gettinup]

Also the first ever weekend I was completely alone with noone around

 

I was dreading the first weekend in the house, but it helped that the ex used to work every other weekend so it didn't feel as bad as I thought it would being there. But what did get me was the loss of my routine, when she was at work at the weekends I would make her breakfast and take her to work and then pick her up at the end of the day. So when the time rolled around to when I should be leaving to pick her up I was at a bit of a loss.

 

It's good to see that things are becoming bearable for you Loip and you are certainly right with the willpower and self-discipline.

[loip9114]

I was dreading the first weekend in the house, but it helped that the ex used to work every other weekend so it didn't feel as bad as I thought it would being there. But what did get me was the loss of my routine, when she was at work at the weekends I would make her breakfast and take her to work and then pick her up at the end of the day. So when the time rolled around to when I should be leaving to pick her up I was at a bit of a loss.

 

It's good to see that things are becoming bearable for you Loip and you are certainly right with the willpower and self-discipline.

 

Oh yeah, I called a friend so I kind a broke that first weekend. I literally just rang him up and asked 'Dude where the f*ck are you?' at home why? 'Because this happened and I am going mental' Cool see you in a couple of minutes.

 

But oh god yes the routine loss. I had to create this completely new routine just to get by. Then I lost it for 1 month due to people being on vacation and such. That is possibly one of the hardest things I had to deal with. All this sudden free time, all these changes in your morning routine or evening routine. That was hard, and is hard to deal with. I still wake up every morning feeling like sh*t. Because I miss how I woke up with her next to me.

[Gettinup]

All this sudden free time, all these changes in your morning routine or evening routine. That was hard, and is hard to deal with. I still wake up every morning feeling like sh*t. Because I miss how I woke up with her next to me.

 

Yeah that free time, discovered that in the first week….. Think I became a Netflix power user during that time (or Amazon prime if you will, equal plugs here).

 

I’m finding at the moment I wake up stupidly early, subconscious probably telling my something is changed. But when I do I just pick up a book or whack the TV on for a bit….. TV usually sends me back to sleep because there’s typically naff all on early in the morning.

[sicx]

Hehe, what you say all sounds very similar to my experience. I've been there too. I also saw a photo of my ex shortly after the breakup and damn I found her very attractive.

Also the first ever weekend I was completely alone with noone around, I literally went into a panic attack. It was 2-3 weeks after the breakup. My mind started spiralling out of control. Especially with all those types of thougths you describe. I was literally self-destructing yes.

I hope that helps a bit. I've been there, and those times are really tough. But you'll get through with willpower and self-discipline.

 

But this weekend I've been at home pretty much doing nothing and all is well. I don't need to fill every weekend any longer. Nor are the thoughts of her being out and dating other guys as horrible as they were before. So trust me, it gets better. It really really does. I am 3 months in, expecting to be busy till at least December. So not over it yet but it is very bearable now. I hope that gives you some hope and possible timeframe. 3 months may sound like an eternity right now. But you will be there before you know it. Everybody takes their own time, if you are faster awesome. If you are a bit slower don't beat yourself up.

You have been moving forward, and you will keep doing that. 2 steps forward, 1 step back. One tip here, My reference point is the days immediatly after the breakup. So really those first insane days. I compare how I am doing on any day to those days. Because it cannot get worse than that

 

2 steps forward, 1 step back is very accurate right now! Although sometimes it seems its 1 step forward 2 steps back.

After that e weekend i've had some fairly good days really, a few low points but over all i'd say i've been thinking more positive than negative, which is a real personal win for me.

 

I had a lot of thoughts today, I found it quite funny that having not spoken to her for 2 weeks now, she has no idea i've been going through so much crap. The same way i have no idea what she is feeling, I only assume she's doing well, from what i've heard from her mum she could be a lot like me. It's just funny how the brain seems to put itself down when it really has no idea what the facts are.

 

As usual other, harsher, thoughts came into my head too. The thought of her going on a date, or sleeping with someone else, but I also thought what right do I have to really be angry at her about this. We have split up, she is no longer mine as I am no longer hers, of course the thought hurts but the fact is, she can do what she wants now, as can I.

The thing i'm struggling to take in is the lack of being wanted, or relied on by someone; this is what I miss. The feeling of being loved, of being someones priority, i think thats a hard thing to accept that this is no longer the case, and something that if I think about too much, upsets me. But hey, this is life, life is harsh, I need to learn to be alone again and be strong. I'm getting tired of being so emotional all the time anyway