sicx Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Let me just say I joined this forum purely to post this thread, and I admire anyone who reads these. I'm hoping writing this post will help me get a lot out of my head so I can put it all in one place, and read back on it so I don't get muddled. I'll try to be brief, but feel free to skip some of the boring, rambling bits! Anyway bit of background, I'm in my mid 20's and my ex is a little younger. I've known this girl coming up to 8 years now, 4 of which we've been in a relationship. The relationship is long distance, I dunno if this forum is American but I'm from the UK so this long distance is a two hour drive, and we took it in turns most weekends to go up and down. We've done this for 4 years now, and as I got closer to the age I am now, the plan was to move up north with her. Being long distance, keeping contact was immensely important, we have spoken every day for 8 years, and thats no exaggeration! The contact and commitment both ends has been brilliant, and in times of need and celebration we have been there together, both physically and emotionally. She was my first love, my rock, and without question my best friend. For the past few months however, our personalities and morals have clashed, and things have been rocky. She's very motivated, positive, selfless and generous; if anything she trusts too easily. Me on the other hand are basically the opposite, i find it hard to motivate myself and I'm more of a realist. As much as we clash now, we still have the same sense of humour and sarcastic nature, which is what i always loved about her (among 1000's of other things I wont list) A few weeks ago, she ended things with me, she said she couldn't go on how we were and needed someone to treat her how she deserved to be treated. It's a painful thing to hear someone you love say this to you. But in the end, I think shes right, we have become too different, and as much as I try I cant be the person she wants. We tried to remain in contact, things became flirty and moments of weakness occurred, which pleased me because I was really struggling, but in the end her mind was made up. A few days ago she said we needed less contact as talking was making things too difficult to move on, as much as I agreed, i hated this. I constantly checked my phone for a message and wondered what she was doing, why she was active and not talking to me, whether she even missed me. So i arranged a call with her, saying I couldn't go on like this as it was doing me no good, this was yesterday evening. The call was extremely civilised, she told me in detail why she had ended things and said deep down I knew it was true, which in all honesty, I do. She said there was no going back, just forward, and that I needed space and time away from her. Once again, this was all true. I admire her for saying things I couldn't bring myself to admit. We agreed we never want to leave each others lives, in fact, it was her who was adamant on this, which was nice to hear. So we blocked each other on all social media, but kept each others numbers for the future, whenever I feel its comfortable to get in contact. The last thing she said to me was i'll never be far from her thoughts, and I cried. In the grand scheme of things, the breakup was dignified and clean, but god this doesn't make it easier. It's been about 36 hours and the pain yesterday and today has been unbearable. In 8 years we've never had a day of not talking but it finally happened, and already the feeling of being alone is scary. I'm not really an emotional guy, in fact I've been told I'm quite cold most of the time, but I've cried more these last 36 hours than i have the past 10 years. I feel lonely, rejected and, as much as she denied this, that this was my fault. God I miss her, i miss the communication, the waking up in the morning to a message and her voice as she complains about her life on the phone, but most of all i'll miss holding her. Of course she said this wont be the end, that we'll stay in touch and see each other someday, but at this very moment all I want is her to be mine. I want to be the light of her life like she is mine, but of course this cant happen. I have big plans for the future now but I need to save for 6+ months first, and this means holding down a job with a lot of thinking time, only having about 4 close friends and living in a town where the nightlife is non-existent; whereas she is doing the absolute opposite. My life is dull and she was my sun, that's the harsh reality. I feel because she hasn't been happy for a while she's been preparing herself for this breakup and getting rid of me, whereas I've been thrown in the deep end. The worst feeling right now is knowing she's probably doing okay, she wont be moping around thinking about our memories, she'll be living her life how she wants too, which is what I should be doing and I know this! But when you still love them and want to live your life with them in it, its hard to tear away. I don't really want to go too much into it but i'll miss the intimacy too, the thought of her sleeping with someone else is heartbreaking. And for me, the thought of being with another girl is so far from my mind. I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just kind words with this post, sometimes I feel reading other peoples problems makes me feel like I'm not alone, maybe this will help someone else I don't know. Of course it's only been 2 days since the 'real' breakup, but the pain of losing my best friend is almost unimaginable. Link to comment
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