Major problem, very confused about engagement - HELP!

[wed1901]

I have been dating my fiance for the past 6 years and we recently got engaged last winter. Our wedding date is set for this June. We have had our ups and downs, but ever since we got engaged things have been wonderful - our relationship seems to get better everyday.

 

We recently went on a trip with the wedding party to Las Vegas. We had a great time and I got to hang out with her side of the wedding party for the first time. The problem is, i think i am falling for one of her brides maids. Ever since we have gotten back i cannot stop thinking about this woman. We have almost EVERYTHING in common and we get along so well. She is wonderful, and can't go to bed or wake up in the morning without thinking about her.

 

The biggest problem is that my fiance has a daughter who has come to know me as her father over the past 6 years, so this is much more complicated then just a breakup. Do i go through with the wedding and hope this is just a "crush" that will pass. Will this happen to me again? I dont WANT this to be happeneing. I feel like the biggest jerk on the planet, but these are emotions and i can't control it. I want things to be the way they were before the trip. I was looking forward to the wedding and now my head is spinning. I dont know what to do. HELP!!!!

[RayKay]

I think you need to really think about why you got engaged and are with your fiancee in the first place - she must have something special, and over six years I am sure you have built up something strong.

 

I think it is possible you may be getting cold feet (even if you are not aware) or just missing that "new love" feeling that is lustful and intense.

 

There will be points in your life you may feel attracted to someone else, or times you are less "in love" with your partner but it is how you handle those situations that will define your marriage and your relationship - and realizing the reasons why you are with your partner in the first place. Whatever effort you would put into another relationship should be put into your current one.

 

I think you may need to sort of give yourself a "reality check", but also maybe think about pre-marriage counselling for yourself to think why this might be going on and so on...I hope you make the right choices. I can't tell you what to do, as only you know how strong your love for your fiancee is and whether it is worth keeping, or whether you would rather risk it all for a woman you are not even sure if she returns the feelings either, or really know WHO she is beyond that first impression.

 

Good luck

[Lella]

Imust warn you that I am slightly bitter on marriage right now... so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

I think the very best thing you can do for everyone involved is to postpone the wedding. You did not give any indication that you don't necessarily want to marry your fiance. It's just that you hit this little "speed bump" (a confusing one at that). Do not, I repeat, do NOT get married and hope the crush will pass. It won't. It will get worse because you will feel a sense of entrapment and isolation and your mind will run even further away from you than it already is. Pre-marriage fantasies only become more intense after you get married. It's the old "what if I had followed my heart..." thing. This is essentially making it impossible for you to start a marriage/family on a fair footing. No one will win with this, least of all the daughter. Should you become scared and suffocated, you will want out at all costs. Then you will definitely end up leaving this little girl with no father figure. Give yourself some time. As much as you need. I don't know how you would break this to the old fiance exactly... suddenly I'm fresh out of advice. Just do yourself a favor and wait a while

[Cecelius]

I would give yourself a couple of weeks to decide to put it off and go talk to a pro (yourself) about this.

 

It's possible that it's merely last minute uncertainty.

 

It's possible that you've been dating too long (dunno how old you are) and shouldn't get married AT ALL to anyone at the moment.

 

Someone may be able to help you sort out your feelings and what's best.

 

Keep in mind that the bridesmaid is off limits; no better way to mess things up that get attached to the idea of her too. No doubt she's got her baggage (she might be lousy to date, physically cold, smelly, whatever) anyway.

 

Lastly, don't get married for the sake of the child.

[Roxanne1007]

Here goes..You guys seem to have a GREAT relationship and should not be taken lightly. However, you need to really analyze your priorities and decide if this crush is worth it. Keeping in mind, that if you 'assume' it will pass, doesnt mean it will. I did that before i got married..obviously my time invested i felt with my fiancee out weighed a crush that i couldnt explain with someone else. So, naturally, i assumed it would too pass. Married anyway, thought everything would fall in to place and be easy. But I still found myself thinking about my crush...and it hurt. In turn, i was unhappy because i wondered what would have happened. yadayadayada.. Point is..marriage is a big step. If you have ANY doubts at all, really really analyze what your heart wants, you have intuition of what to do, just dig deep enough. One thing concerns me, however. If you guys were getting a long so perfect...then you would be less likely to fall for someone at such a fragile time..meaning if your so happy, maybe your crush is legit, and maybe more than a crush? Keep in mind, to distinct a crush from physical attraction as that happens often. And weight wether even if you marry, will this be a problem. I (after a few years finally moved on, being that i never saw that man again.) If this girl is her brides maid..you may have very well not seen the last of her, which will only confuse you more. If you chose your fiancee...you need to strictly decide to get over your crush. My motto is youll get over it IF YOU WANT TO. meaning dont dwell in it. Decide that you need to move on..and i promise you will. Hope i helped. You situation is complicated, so i touched as much points as i could to help you. Hope i help,even if a little. Good luck. And note, that even though i got over my 'crush', my marriage was still tough cause the damage was done. Never had sexual encounters with my crush, but still it was mentally exhausting what it did to my marriage,

Point probably that because i wasnt absolutely SURE that marrying my fiancee was what i wanted to do, in turn i had no way to be SURE that i had made the right decision by marrying him. Just think about it.

[wed1901]

First of all, thank you all for the great advice.

 

I think the biggest problem that is coming out of this is that now i find myself questioning EVERYTHING about my relationship. The brides maid is something that i am sure i can get over. Like many of you said, she could turn out to be a totally different person than her first impression indicates. Although the curiosity is killing me, i dont think it is worth risking 6 years for. I was going to talk to her about it, but i am afraid she would say something to my fiance and then all hell would break loose!

 

Previoulsy in my relationship, if there was something about my fiance that bothered me i would either think "nobody is perfect and we need to accept eachothers faults" or "i know we can work this out". But now, after these emotions, i find myself questioning if that is all true and how i feel about our future.

 

I guess marriage intimidates me because it is so final. I always have kept a "back door open" for a way out in most things that i do. But this isnt like that. This is FOREVER. None of this bothered me before our trip. I was EXCITED about our marriage and couldn't wait to get to the rest of our lives.

 

Is this all just cold feet, and my "crush" is part of it all?

[Roxanne1007]

Your so welcome. I know your second guessing everyhting... BUT YOU SHOULD...just to be safe. Marriage is so final, and you cannot get out as quick as you get in. I really hope you find your solution. Im rooting for ya Good LUCk..Hope you keep me updated, id like to see how it turns out.