Advice on a relationship of sorts...

[ginaloribic]

Hey folks.

 

I am good friends with a work colleague & his wife/kids, or so I thought.

 

I'm still going through the aftermath of a breakup of a ten year relationship with my now ex partner. As mentioned on another thread of mine, I had a threesome with this couple. All above board, all mutual, consensual etc. Things took a slightly odd turn a couple of weeks ago and we went back to being purely friends. I still spoke to & messaged them both, more so the husband as I see him every day at work etc. The wife of the couple has given me some very good advice over the past couple months too.

 

I had been messaging the wife yesterday as I was having a particularly low day and she was very helpful with advice etc. I'd sent a message later in the afternoon to which she didn't reply to, which could be normal, so I thought nothing of it. I had a decent nights sleep last night & felt a lot better in my head today. I messaged the husband, as he isn't at work today, regarding something personal. I then went to message the wife to wish her well for today and to thank her for her advice from yesterday (using facebook messenger) & I have found she has blocked me from messaging her back and also removed me as a friend on facebook. I'm not aware that I've done, or said anything wrong or offensive etc, so I'm very confused by this. Also a bit concerned in case I have unwittingly done something wrong.

 

My simple question is thus. Should I send her a text message?

 

I have her mobile number as I had called her to console her over the weekend at her husbands request. I'd thought about a short message to say I hope I hadn't done anything to offend, hope she was OK and to take care.

 

Thoughts please??

[MissCanuck]

Eh, it's dicey to have a threesome with friends, particularly if those friends are married and you work with the opposite-sex partner. I say that having participated in a couple threesomes myself, though not with people close to me. I prefer to not cross that boundary with friends, as I have rarely seen that work well. The dynamic often changes after a sexual experience like that, even if it's just for one member of the group.

 

Anyway, what's done is done. If you decide to indulge in a threesome in the future, don't do it with coworkers or close friends. Too much potential for blurred boundaries and awkwardness after.

 

I would contact the wife and ask her what's up. Tell her you noticed you're blocked and would like to talk, as it's evident something isn't okay. Give her the opportunity to share what's on her mind. My guess? She doesn't like you messaging her husband on a personal level. What did you say to him? She might be fine with being friends with you, and obviously you and her husband work together, but getting closer than that (to him) might be making her uncomfortable. Or, perhaps it was something related to the convo you had with her yesterday and not to do with her husband at all. What was making you feel low, and what sort of advice was she giving you?

 

Also, what was the "odd turn" that took place a couple weeks ago?

[ginaloribic]

Eh, it's dicey to have a threesome with friends, particularly if those friends are married and you work with the opposite-sex partner. I say that having participated in a couple threesomes myself, though not with people close to me. I prefer to not cross that boundary with friends, as I have rarely seen that work well. The dynamic often changes after a sexual experience like that, even if it's just for one member of the group.

 

Anyway, what's done is done. If you decide to indulge in a threesome in the future, don't do it with coworkers or close friends. Too much potential for blurred boundaries and awkwardness after.

 

I would contact the wife and ask her what's up. Tell her you noticed you're blocked and would like to talk, as it's evident something isn't okay. Give her the opportunity to share what's on her mind. My guess? She doesn't like you messaging her husband on a personal level. What did you say to him? She might be fine with being friends with you, and obviously you and her husband work together, but getting closer than that (to him) might be making her uncomfortable. Or, perhaps it was something related to the convo you had with her yesterday and not to do with her husband at all. What was making you feel low, and what sort of advice was she giving you?

 

Also, what was the "odd turn" that took place a couple weeks ago?

 

Thanks for replying MissCanuck. To clarify, I am male & I work with the husband. We are good friends and communicate on an almost identical level & have had/are having some similar life experiences, hence we click together so well.

 

The odd turn, I was going to refrain from elaborating on, but seeing as it's pretty much an anonymous forum, I will.

 

I had dabbled in swinging with my ex partner & this came out in conversation with my work colleague as he mentioned that he and his wife had also. This is what a while later led to the three of us having sex together. They had recently joined a swingers website & were actively looking. They had a "fair is fair" rule in that they both should be allowed to indulge in sex with others. They had been messaging a woman on the site with a view to the husband meeting her on his own for sex. Turns out the wife wasn't as comfortable/ready as she'd thought to deal with this emotionally. So, she decided that husband must feel a similar way when she was having sex with me in front of him, although he maintains this is definitely not the case & I've no reason not to believe him. He rightly said he couldn't put her through that emotional turmoil & she decided that we would no longer have any threesome's or sex together.

 

I'm feeling low as I suffer from depression and have good days/bad days. I have had a big upheaval as part of my relationship ending and I'm still dealing with a lot of the problems that have arisen because of it.

 

She was merely giving advice on how to deal with my thoughts and feelings towards my ex partner and about life in general. She has a very clear way of seeing things and gave some good tips on dealing with things, as I lack a lo of these life skills. It may have been something I have said yesterday, we had been messaging about my ex and how she treated me. Although I'm really not sure. I value her as a friend and would have liked to have maintained contact. Equally, if she decides this cannot be the case, then I will respect that.

[MissCanuck]

Ah, I see. I apologize for assuming you were woman, not sure why I did!

 

I have to wonder then if it's her husband that doesn't want you turning to his wife for emotional support.

 

It could also be that the wife is having some regrets about getting closer to you, and doesn't want to be your shoulder to cry on, so to speak. She is the one who decided not to engage in sex anymore with you, so it would stand to reason that she isn't entirely comfortable being close friends either. When I have done MFM with past boyfriends, I wasn't close to the other man and wouldn't have felt okay being too chummy after. Perhaps she didn't want to leave you hanging in your time of need, but also doesn't want to be buds.

 

In this case, it would be more appropriate to ask her husband if he knows what's up and that you hope you didn't unintentionally cause any problems for her or them as a couple.

[ginaloribic]

Ah, I see. I apologize for assuming you were woman, not sure why I did!

 

I have to wonder then if it's her husband that doesn't want you turning to his wife for emotional support.

 

It could also be that the wife is having some regrets about getting closer to you, and doesn't want to be your shoulder to cry on, so to speak. She is the one who decided not to engage in sex anymore with you, so it would stand to reason that she isn't entirely comfortable being close friends either. When I have done MFM with past boyfriends, I wasn't close to the other man and wouldn't have felt okay being too chummy after. Perhaps she didn't want to leave you hanging in your time of need, but also doesn't want to be buds.

 

In this case, it would be more appropriate to ask her husband if he knows what's up and that you hope you didn't unintentionally cause any problems for her or them as a couple.

 

Thank you again, some sage advice indeed.

 

I took the decision to send a text message asking what was wrong etc, to which she hasn't replied, so I'll leave it at that as far as she's concerned as I don't want to make things any worse than they already are. I'll have a quiet word with husband when he returns to work tomorrow, see if he will/want's to elaborate. If not, I'll let sleeping dogs lie so to speak.

 

I'll post the outcome for clarity if there is one!!

[MissCanuck]

Yes, please do report back. I'd be curious to know what happened!

[ginaloribic]

Me also, I have a theory or two, but they me be just that. I may never find out "the truth" behind it all.

[MissCanuck]

Me also, I have a theory or two, but they me be just that. I may never find out "the truth" behind it all.

 

And what are those?

[Unreasonable]

To me the answer is obvious: When threesomes happen, the odds one of the party's being wierded out and regretful afterwards is extremely high. In this case, it's the wife. She probably thought the husband was going to be uncomfortable with this (as she would have been had he slept with another woman), maybe not even go through with it, and when he wasn't, it spectacularly backfired on her.

[ginaloribic]

And what are those?

 

A few things. When her and I spent some time alone briefly post sex, she made a few comments about me, nice/good things that took me by surprise a little. Maybe her feelings are a little bit deeper than being just a "friend"? Although, she has reinforced to me a few times about being fiercely loyal to her husband (outside swinging of course).

 

The last time I was over and had a drink with them (after we/she had agreed there'd be no sex between us), all three of us were in there living room & she ended up dripping hot candle wax over him, me and herself. Resulting in her nightgown being open and me, along with her husband picking off the set wax. Later that night when they were alone, they had a disagreement about this. So, maybe he isn't as comfortable and liberal about it as he makes out?

 

Also, at the weekend, the husband was away for the day and had messaged me asking if I would phone her for a chat as she was very upset about a personal family issue they are both going through, as he would be without his phone for several hours. So I called, and spent pretty much 3 hours on the phone. During which time, she muted that she was no longer "allowed" to talk to me about sex in any way. Whereas before, she was very liberal when talking about such things (before there was even a hint of a threesome). So I'm not sure if husband see's me as a threat in some way, which I have no intention of being.

 

So far, he's back at work today, said that she and he have had a big fall out the other night (same night I was blocked/unfriended). Which makes me believe i may have unknowingly played a part in the arguement. :shame:

 

I have asked him if I can get a couple of minutes of his time later on, so hopefully I can clear things up a little then.

[MissCanuck]

Well, with this new information from you, I think it's pretty clear that her husband is not happy that you're getting close® to his wife.

 

He seems to not mind when he's the one initiating it (asking you to call her, which I have to admit, was an odd request on his part) and when he's there, but not when you take liberties to contact her with personal problems. He is probably wondering why you didn't confide in him when you were feeling low, but went to his wife instead.

 

In any event, talk to him. And then do not hang out with them again. It's getting messy now and it would be best to just keep things professional at work...but that's it.

[ginaloribic]

Well, with this new information from you, I think it's pretty clear that her husband is not happy that you're getting close® to his wife.

 

He seems to not mind when he's the one initiating it (asking you to call her, which I have to admit, was an odd request on his part) and when he's there, but not when you take liberties to contact her with personal problems. He is probably wondering why you didn't confide in him when you were feeling low, but went to his wife instead.

 

In any event, talk to him. And then do not hang out with them again. It's getting messy now and it would be best to just keep things professional at work...but that's it.

 

It seems things have taken a turn that i didn't quite expect. i've had a chat with husband this afternoon.

 

Turns out he had innocently (yes really) replied to a message from an ex of his, he had left his phone lying while using the rest room and it had bleeped or whatever. His wife knows the access pin for his phone, as he has nothing to hide, she unlocked his phone, read the message and had a major blow out with him. Turns out he had no idea that she had blocked/unfriended me etc. He said that this has happened before and that i'm likely not the only one to have been blocked etc.

 

So maybe hasn't turned out as bad as I'd thought.

[MissCanuck]

That doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

His ex message him, so she blocked you? I don't see the connection between the two events.

[ginaloribic]

That doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

His ex message him, so she blocked you? I don't see the connection between the two events.

 

Totally get what you are saying. Selfish as it may sound, I'm just more relieved that it's not really anything of my doing.

[MissCanuck]

Totally get what you are saying. Selfish as it may sound, I'm just more relieved that it's not really anything of my doing.

 

That's just it, though - I don't really think that's why she blocked you, because it makes zero sense.

 

Anyway, I would keep my distance from the two of them.

[ginaloribic]

That's just it, though - I don't really think that's why she blocked you, because it makes zero sense.

 

Anyway, I would keep my distance from the two of them.

 

Well, as it happens, I finish up at work for just over a week today. So will be away from Husband also. I've been sat here at my desk this afternoon and feel pretty angry about the situation now if I'm honest. I feel like I've been taken advantage of a little emotionally, then burned through no fault of my own. I really don't need this right now.

[MissCanuck]

Just keep away from the both of them.

 

Your irritation will pass. I don't think you were used emotionally, necessarily, but I also don't think it was a good idea to get any emotions involved to begin with. That's not what these 3-way experiences should be about. Anything more than that usually crosses a line that at least one person won't be happy about.

 

Anyhow, lesson learned - it's really best not to join a married couple, particularly when you work with one of them.