Help please! Relationship troubles / abuse?

[blue2244]

I feel like I have lost balance of what is right and wrong / my fault or not... So, would lovw some advice and just to hear people's general concensus.

 

I have been with my fiancé for 3 years now. In the beginning it was very intense, we fell for each other very quickly and spent a lot of time together. We met whilst I was working there and I ended up staying and moving in with him. A few months down the line, after moving in together, he began to be less talkative and we spent less timw together. But I assumed it was normal because we had to work and couldn't be together always. My contract there had finshed and I wanted to open my own company. He encouraged me a lot and helped me very much. He didn't like the idea of me continuing, he said it was because the money was low and it was not a serious job. Instead of getting offended, I just went with it, I was happy to be happy.in a relationship and wanted a break from travelling and living out of a suitcase anyway. That meant I was working at home, with no wage, whilst I built up my own agency. He said that I was here because of him, so he wanted to support me. It made sense.

 

Fast forward a bit and things started to get a bit heated. I had come across (accidently) messages from various women sending sexual texts and photos, to which he just got angry at me for finding them. I started to wonder what he did all day ( he is self employed and goes out from 11am - 9pm ish for PR and meetings in coffee stores for his work). My trust had gone down and I began questioning him. At first, in a nice way... ' babe, how was your day?' ( a normal question I thought?) But the response was one word answers. I realised that I was always so happy to talk to him and tell him my day, I hadn't noticed he never talked about his. I just put it down to tiredness, until I stumbled across the messages and photos. His one word answers and sudden cold mood swings made me feel uneasy. I started to ask more questions and quickly realised there was an issue. He got very angry at any mention of his day. He told me things like ' Its not your business' 'I can do what I want, you don't have to know' 'You don't have a right to know about my life' 'I am providing for you, you have everything you need, so why are you speaking'. The more I asked, the worse it got. To the point where even if I was trying to be nice and not ask to much, even at ' did you have a good day?' He would explode and say ' oh off, you start again'. The first few times I tried to argue back, but he emded up throwing things or slamming his hand on thw table. The first few times I cried, he would feel bad and stop. But as time passed, the anger did not stop and tears didn't stop him either. He said it was because we were struggling for money ( to which I added I could go back to work in London for a while, to help out, but he said no ). That is why he had 'nerves' as he calls it, he said. Anyway, I got scared and didn't want him upset, so I stopped fighting back and I used to say sorry as soon as I did something he might explode at. I should have probably known it was going to get worse, but I had it in my mind how great we were when things were good and that, if I could just act how he wants me to act, we could be good again. It sounds silly to me now, writing it down.

 

We moved to ... for work for a few months... But that was a complete disaster. I was the breadwinner there and he hated it. We decided to move back to ... because I was worried he was depressed and his anger had gotten too much. He exploded at the smallest things and one night had slapped me 3 times around the face in the back of a taxi because I was drunk and there had been a misunderstanding, to which he chose to not beleive what had actually happened.

We moved back to .... and the anger continued. Summer came and we had some good times then, but the anger was still there. Last Christmas, just before New Years Eve, I had no energy to fight back. No sporit inside me to keep going. 2 friends of mine visited and I just wanted a nice time woth them, they could tell something was wrong. They said my confidence and ' shine' had gone... I didn't tell them what had been going on, but it suprised me that they could tell something was up. Finally one day, he exploded in a hotel lobby at me, because we were going to a mountain with snow for lunch, and I had a handbag with me. There were people looking at him as he hurled insults at me for being so stupid. It turned out, he had just had a row with a bus driver and that's why he was annoyed. He just takes everything out on me. Anyway, that day, as we were going up the mountain, I pretended that that hadn't happened and something suprising happened... he was watching me and suddenly started stroking my knee. He then started to apologise and say what an he was and how he has been so bad and I don't deserve this and he can't help himself or control himself... He said he would promise to never speak to me like that again. And he didn't. Until 7 months later. When he got caught lying about taking a girl on a trip to Athens, staying in the same hotel ( not same rooms, aparently) and going to a club. He swore on my life that he hadn't, but the girl had it on her instagram. He came home the day after and cried and said he was sorry. I beleive he was only.sorry he got caught. I had thought we were great for those 7 months... But maybe thats because I had pushed myself to not care. To go out to ballet classes again and fill my day with meeting people and working on my projects and not thinking about him. I never asked him once where he was going or what he was doing. He always told me that if I stopped asking, he would start opening up to me in his own time. During that 7 months, he never did. Actually, it turned out he had been lying our whole relationship. It is stupid lies, like meeting girls for coffee. He says I would be jealous, but I know for his job he had to PR, he needs women for his job to work. I just find it weird that he would never mention any girls? He deletes every single message and all his call log from girls ( but not all, just most of them), he has 3 passwords to get into his phone... even though, I don't want to be the girlfriend who has to check? I have never been like that in any of my relationships, its not a nice feeling to feel imsecure with someone and whenever I try to explain that to him he says I am crazy or just ignores me, or laughs in my face. I feel like I want to be able to trust him, but on finding out about athens and afew more lies about dinner dates and coffees with other girls... My trust and heart have been completely broken. He knew that and for one day was very soppy and apologetic. But from the next day onwards he expected me to act like it hadnt happened again and got angry when I was still abit tearful at times. We had an important project for the last 6 weeks, he invested into it. It was my show. He didnt let me practice in it, bit I was director. It should have been an enjoyable process, working on it together. Instead, he belittled me and spoke very badly to me, in front of all the cast. He repeatedly told me ' off amd do your job, leave me to do mine' 'shut the up, you dont know what youre doing' etc etc in a very malicious way. A few times he threw his phone at my head ( one time in front of cast members), but that isn't the first time he has gotten so angry, he has pushed, kicked and thrown whatever is nearby to him (luckily, the most damage he has ever caused is a bruise on my arm. Just that and perhaps mental scarring). Anyway, it was a horrible experience and even now, he says that I am ungrateul for all he does for me. That he lost his money to make my show and I just complain. This is where I get confused. Bevause I never asked for his help woth my work, ever. I was always so thankful for all he does for me. But if I cry or get upset because he speaks to me in a spiteful or agressive manner, all of a sudden, he is shouting at me saying I am a bad girlfriend and that I have changed to how I used to be ( when I just used to say sorry and try to please him to stop the anger, I guess?). Its almost like he plays victim. He will sufdenly say 'oh my stomach hurts so bad' or his heart or he cant breathe, and I will worry and take care of him, and thats his way of getting out of the conversation. Many a time I can be hystericaly crying at something he has said or done and he will just get angry to the point he has to hit something or throw something amd shout until he hurts his throat. He tries to scare me to shut up all the time. He makes threats about going out 'to find other putanas because they wil lbe better girlfriends than me'. He is always telling me I have to lose kilos, buying me clothes and saying I didnt have style before him ( I did!!) And that I never had a boyfriend as good as him and he pays for everything and takes care of everything. I have always said from day 1, love and time is the most importsnt things to me. I keep on holding out to experience how it was in the first year. I know it must seem obvious to someone else... I am 28years old, he is 38yrs old. He is overweight by alot but I never noticed that, I fell for him for the spontaneous bike rides and chats we had. But I wonder if all this anger is something to do with the weight? I have sent him articles about emotional abuse as recently I felt myself so low and read an article and think that it was his character to a tee. He also said that he was every single one of the 45 emotional abuser signs... but when I offered to go to a therapist together or to go somewhrre to help, he said he will never ever do this. That for his.mind, only stupid people.go to therapists. I think that I might actually have to seek out a therapist because I have never felt so confused and low and so many emotions.

 

Fast forward to tonight. He is away for work for one night and I am at home. I have been pressing him to talk and to speak the last week. Finally our project finished and there are the lying issues and recent secret trip to athens that we still didnt talk about. I tried to say last weekend that I didnt want to be with him anymore, that I dont see a future if he doesnt want to change. But he just laughed at me and for the whole weekend tried to be really nice and romantic and chatty and doing whatever I wanted and spending all his time with me and not on his phone ( rarity). This weekend I have been away on work, he was with friends, he didnt sleep much. Didnt sleep much today. Had a spare 30minutes for a nap and called me, we started talking about everything and he started getting mad, blaming me that he was only going to get a 10 minute nap now, when he called me? A few hours later I messahes 'hello'... no response for 3 hours, then I get a hello, but he is annoyed and tells me I am wasting his phone battery. We speak when he is in bed and emd up arguing. He literaly explodes and says I have changed and that I have called him a and a one to many times! To be fair, I have. This week he has had no time for me and there has been no reason why we cant finally put the relationship first, instead of work amd finally deal woth the issues. Anyway, i told him I just want him to be nice. He said he cant because we dont have sex. I said we dont have sex because he is not nice to which he said. You are my girlfriend, if I need a hole to , I will your hole. I will do whatever I fuvking want, it is my right to, you dont get a say because youre my girlfriend.

I dont know why, but this shocked me. He has said some really nasty things, including ' I wish you were dead' one time, but it wad the comment about the hole... like I

am completely nothing to him, just to use me for that? Am I overreacting? He said I was overeacting, asking for too much and that he gives me everything, that I wont find another man as good as him, that he will never change and the more I order him to, the more he will do the opposite. That he can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants, but when I said... So I can too, he said, no you cannot because you are my woman and it doesnt work like that. If you want to be with me, shut your mouth and be with me. I will not answer to you, I will not change and You will not set my limits. I told him, but you can set mine? Yes. Its like this, and if you dont like it, off.

 

So... My question is, and I think deep inside me I know, but what can I do? Is this relationship worth trying? Or should I take his first answer about how he doesnt want to try and get out now? My other issue is, I have no money, he has all of our money and although I can ask him for money, this week I really wanted to go see my mum and instead, he went to ... and told me to stay with the dog. He wl be back tomorrow. My mum said she will pay for the flight, but I am just so embarrassed to be in this situation, because I am smart enough to know that I should never have let someone support me. I just thought because we were planning a future together, when my work was working, I could pay my way. I have no problem to do any job, but he wont let me do any old job, saying no girlfriend of mine is doing that... but he says it for everything. There are so many more things that have happened, but thats what I have in my mind. Recently I cant stop crying about it and thats why I thought it would be good to go away for at least a week. I don't know what to do and I am scared / shocked at myself that I can stl consider being with someone who speaks to me like that. Its just when he is nice again and in a good mood, its so nice. I cant explain it. I know if I spoke to any of my friends they wpuld be shocked and telle to leave now. Some of it is culture, for sure, but is it normal to be so angry? I am beginning to question if the problem is me or not and that is making me sad / scared because still drift in and out of knowing its not. I know somewhere deep inside, he has a big heart and goes out of his way to help people. In some ways, he has helped.and changed me in so many positive ways, but other ways, I have never been spoken to in such an agressive degrading mannor and I feel like it will stay with me for a while. I want to help him if I can, do you think it is his anger that is the main problem? He always sayd it is his character ans will never change, so I guess, he also does not want to change?

 

I feel like I need help though.

 

Thanks in advance.

[DanZee]

OH MY GOD! He has been mentally abusing you, controlling you all this time. He has conditioned you to accept whatever scraps of emotion he gives you between bouts of verbal abuse. This is a classic case of abuse. Here's a copy of signs that popped up on Google right on the first page:

 

Extreme jealousy.

Possessiveness.

Unpredictability.

A bad temper.

Verbal abuse.

Extremely controlling behavior.

Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships.

 

He has torn down your confidence, your self-esteem, your id, and rebuilt you to accept his actions as normal. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. He's manipulating you!

 

After three years, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE DOES FOR WORK! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW HE MAKES HIS MONEY. He may even have other girls he's controlling.

 

You are a saint for being able to fall for an old, fat slob who may be dealing drugs, prostituting women, or running a crime syndicate. But you have been suckered in by a sociopath! You don't have to kill people to be a sociopath, just somebody who gets their kicks by controlling other people.

 

GET YOUR BAGS AND PACK UP IMMEDIATELY BEFORE HE GETS BACK! Have a neighbor take care of the dog, or put it in a shelter and GET OUT! DO NOT WAIT! CRUSH YOUR PHONE AND THROW IT AWAY ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT SO HE CAN'T TRACK YOU. TAKE YOUR MOTHER UP ON HER OFFER. GET THE HELL OUT OF GREECE AND GET HOME!

 

Look, I am not kidding you. This is the strongest warning I have given anybody on this site or any other site! You are in danger, both physically and mentally and you are in risk of losing your soul and yourself.

 

WAKE UP, GIRL! THE ALARM BELLS ARE GOING OFF AND THE RED ALERT LIGHTS ARE FLASHING! SAVE YOURSELF AND YOUR SANITY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE FOR YOU!

[Bunney]

It never ceases to surprise me how much utter damn crap a woman will put up with, and how little self esteem she obviously has. I've said it before in threads about being abused and I will say it again. Girls like you are the ones who will end up dead, killed by their psycho abusive jerks they call their "boyfriends" or husbands.

 

You are "smart enough" not to let someone support you (actually, your mom paying your tickets is not letting her support you - it's being wise and reaching out for a hand where it's absolutely needed) but you are not smart enough to not let some sexist misogynist idiot abuse the crap out of you?

 

How does that even make sense.

 

A part of me always wonders if girls like you enjoy the drama and the highs and lows of being with an abusive lowlife piece of crap. And now you are looking for excuses as to why you can't fly home("can't let someone support me")

 

He is a crappy person and his occasional niceness (which is a front and almost always to serve his own agenda trust me ) won't change that. Read up on abusive cycle.

 

If you stay with him you know what you're up against and trust me it's going go get worse. You are his possession and he does not have an ounce of respect or love for you, it's all about power. Don't even break up with him in person (as I know what guys like him are capable of), just pack your bags while he's out bangining one of the chicks that always appear in his phone, and get the hell out before it costs you your life.

[pochoko]

A part of me always wonders if girls like you enjoy the drama and the highs and lows of being with an abusive lowlife piece of crap. And now you are looking for excuses as to why you can't fly home("can't let someone support me") .

 

What a horrible thing to say to someone. How could you tell her to read literature surrounding her problem AND THEN be so intolerant to someone who is clearly caught up in the abuse cycle? How about you can your judgement and temper yourself; you don't realise what saying things like that to someone in that situation will do to a person. In many ways, you are perpetuating the problem by further attacking her person and self-esteem. Abuse is insidious and can happen to anyone; it's not an indication of weakness. The focus should be on the mistakes of the abuser rather than the abused.

 

OP, I can't tell you how to get out of this. I advise you to contact your local women's aid centre, and also read this book; "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. It will give you understanding of why this cycle exists and how you can prevent escalation/leave when you feel it is right for you.

 

People like you Bunney, who are ill-informed and self-righteous, are part of the problem. And particularly as a woman, you should know better than barking at her what to do.

 

Oh, and as a side note, it sounds as though you haven't read any information surrounding the topic. An abuser breaks you down until you feel unable to leave, and takes away your resources until you feel like you're wrong to consider leaving. I have been in it myself and I'll tell you right now, I had it all; the job, the house, the career, the friends, and leaving was incredibly difficult. He made it nearly impossible to leave, and when you have been emotionally, physically and mentally abused to a point where you are losing the ability to function, leaving is even harder. I was strong and powerful, and I was broken down over a period of years, in a quiet and calculated way that robs you of your independence. Seeing a woman victim-shame another, seeing a woman commanding another and telling her she's weak for not leaving just as her abuser does...it's heartbreaking. Be aware that your experience and perspective is different but not necessarily the answer, or better.

[blue2244]

Thank you DanZee. I needed to hear it from someone else. I have all these thoughts going through my mind, but they are entangled with everything else and I wasn't sure. Thank you.

[blue2244]

Bunney - I can understand where you are coming from. Actually, I never used to understand why anybody would put up with that amount of crap either. From the outside, it just seems so obvious and so simple. I was strong, confident and successful before this relationship, beleive it or not, and I would never have imagined being in this situation and 'putting up with so much utter damn crap'. I can't explain how it works, but I think it could happen to anyone, it is complicated.

 

The point I wanted to make about being smart enough to know, was that I am smart enough to know that I should have never let someone support me (him). To ever be in a situation where I am relying on someone else completely for money. Although he never usually says no to giving me money, it also means I have to ask before I do anything or go anywhere. I am sure a lot of girls would like that he pays for everything, but it doesn't feel nice when you don't have an option / choice. It was not smart to let that happen, but what I meant was, I should have known better and I do know better. I think you can be really smart and still get caught up in a situation like this. I don't know how to explain it, but never would I have ever put myself in this scenario and feeling the way I do. I was very much like you before,wondering why people just let it happen... There's just so much more to it.

 

I don't think girls like me enjoy the drama of the highs and lows. I've never had a relationship like this before and I turned to this site because I am at my limit and before I go completely crazy, had to get a reality check from the outside world and some advice on how to deal with it.

 

I am embarrassed to take up my mum's offer, but I will take it!

 

Thank you for your advice

[blue2244]

Thank you pochoko. A really interesting and helpful response! I will definitely read the book you mentioned.

 

Your side note, is so, so true.

 

"An abuser breaks you down until you feel unable to leave, and takes away your resources until you feel like you're wrong to consider leaving. I have been in it myself and I'll tell you right now, I had it all; the job, the house, the career, the friends, and leaving was incredibly difficult. He made it nearly impossible to leave, and when you have been emotionally, physically and mentally abused to a point where you are losing the ability to function, leaving is even harder. I was strong and powerful, and I was broken down over a period of years, in a quiet and calculated way that robs you of your independence."

 

Thank you

[Bunney]

Pochoko, I have not victim shamed her at all and it seems OP did not see it that way either. I was "harsh" in my reply because I want OP to get out of this situation (alive!) and make her aware of the reality of actual danger.

 

A quick Google search on women who have ended up dead as a result of abusive relationships is enough to realize it's not uncommon at all. THAT is why i don't talk sweet and we sensitive when it comes to these topics.

 

About enjoying / being addicted to the highs and lows, stems from the fact that literally every woman i know that's in a crappy relationship has admitted to despite the bad treatment, being somewhat addicted to the drama of it all and were bored with guys who treat them well.

 

So, I couldnt care less about how "offended" you are by my reply. If it somehow opens up OP's eyes just a tiny little bit, then I'm happy.

 

OP I am glad to hear that you are taking up your mom's offer. She would cry and beg you to come home if she knew all about what that lowlife dirtbag is putting her daughter through. She would probably literally get to Athens and come get you herself. THAT is how badly you need to get out of there. Please remember that. Don't waste your precious life on this scumbag, let alone LOSE it to him. I am actually, literally, worried about your safety.

[pochoko]

 

So, I couldnt care less about how "offended" you are by my reply. If it somehow opens up OP's eyes just a tiny little bit, then I'm happy. .

 

I'm not "offended", mate. It hurt, because I've been on the receiving end and I can tell you now, harsh doesn't help. Providing information, resources and understanding will help the person more than ramming your POV down their throats and being forceful and bullying.

 

I'm glad OP didn't take it badly. You remind me of a few women in my life who became frustrated and pushed me away, rather than helping as they intended. I get your intentions are good, and you are stressing the risks, but the way you come across obscures that message IMO.

[DancingFool]

Blue this is the time to put aside your personal pride and take up your mom's offer for a plane ticket out of there. Remember, you can pay your mom back once you are back in London and away from this abusive psycho you got involved with. People like him are deeply manipulative. It's like getting entangled in a spider's web and it may seem like the more you try to get out, the more you get tangled up. Please do not keep clinging to the past good times or even a few crumbs of good times here and there. He is abusing you, he has gotten physically abusive with you as well. He has crossed all lines possible. Please find your dog a good home or take him with you if you can, get on a plane, get on a train, do what it takes to get away. Please do be careful as well in how you go about it. Do it when he is away. Do it carefully. Do get rid of your phone so he can't trace you or suck you back in. Block absolutely all contact and communication with him. Expect drama, tears, charm, threats, promises, what have you and block all that away from yourself. Expect he will try to get to you through your family and friends. You DO need to tell them the truth no matter how embarrassing that may seem to you - people in your life will help you and protect you so long as they know what's happening. You will not be judged, you will get support and you will need it. The very first step to breaking this psycho's hold on you is reaching out for help. Please please just do it. You can return money later once you are back, safe, on your feet with a job at home. Besides, people close to you, your friends, your family, they already know but they can't help you until you decide to speak out and accept their help to leave him.