Has anyone Gladwell's "Outliers"? Its discussion of intelligence is interesting

[oscuro]

Yes, and please realize it's far too easy to make that assumption from the outside looking in. Outside meaning -not because you don't have a child, but because that is not your child and your perspective of and view of the interactions is likely to be far different from the reality behind closed doors- not better or worse -just different.

 

I would assume I could easily make bad parenting decisions that could have derived from my upbringing. I don't imagine anyone can be immune to it. Regarding closed doors, I completely understand. I grew up in a household with spanking and all that. When I see (often middle class) families today making strong judgements towards that upbringing, I find it unsettling. Not to say spanking is useful but it's like getting angry at grandparents for not understanding global warming--that generation/community simply didn't know.

[Batya33]

I would assume I could easily make bad parenting decisions that could have derived from my upbringing. I don't imagine anyone can be immune to it. Regarding closed doors, I completely understand. I grew up in a household with spanking and all that. When I see (often middle class) families today making strong judgements towards that upbringing, I find it unsettling. Not to say spanking is useful but it's like getting angry at grandparents for not understanding global warming--that generation/community simply didn't know.

 

But they sure understood butt-warming lol. In my mother's generation they didn't know that smoking could harm an unborn fetus. I don't see the level of judgment of which you complain -I do see recognition of spanking as abuse (according to many authoritative studies) and I have seen recognition that past generations did not know. And of course there was a whole different perspective about children way back when - seen and not heard and all that. So a child disobeying was dealt with in a far different way because the goal of the punishment/discipline likely was very different than it was today.

For me personally my bad parenting decisions are all my own LOL.

[Hell_On_Heels]

yes, in small ways - not full blown patterns though - of course there are always those small phrases, mannerisms, etc where you hear your parents talking through your mouth - but full blown patterns -that I think we have a choice to either carry forward, or not, or take parts, etc.

 

Weighing in on this...I do think self-examining parents work very hard to stop painful behaviors they themselves experienced as children. However, I don't think it's possible for one person to completely eradicate the effects of abuse, especially severe abuse. I believe it's a lifetime of trying, which means part of the lifetime involves raising your own children, who consequently will feel some effects of the history of abuse.

 

For example, a parent raised by alcoholics can decide to not be an alcoholic. Yet there are other issues caused by the alcoholism that also have to be dealt with. We can identify and halt the obvious, but what about the insidious thought-patterning that comes with it?

[Batya33]

Weighing in on this...I do think self-examining parents work very hard to stop painful behaviors they themselves experienced as children. However, I don't think it's possible for one person to completely eradicate the effects of abuse, especially severe abuse. I believe it's a lifetime of trying, which means part of the lifetime involves raising your own children, who consequently will feel some effects of the history of abuse.

 

For example, a parent raised by alcoholics can decide to not be an alcoholic. Yet there are other issues caused by the alcoholism that also have to be dealt with. We can identify and halt the obvious, but what about the insidious thought-patterning that comes with it?

 

yes I completely agree and wrote that there are exceptions -like abuse. I'm not referring to extreme examples like that but more run of the mill patterns where adults sometimes fall back too often on referencing what their parents taught them as to why they've made certain academic or career choices for example -not just parenting in the least. "Well I was an only child so of course I'm not used to sharing". Please.