Nobody else knows and its killing me!

[nullstergirl]

Ok so I have been dating my boyfriend who also is the father of my 5 month old for about 3 years now, on and off. When I first met him I was going thru alot and I was in a pretty dark place and for whatever reason he stayed by my side thru it all and he even ended up moving in with my family and I. We were inseparable. I started going through his phone almost a year into our relationship bc of suspension's I had and I would find the weirdest things in his emails. Like very weird sexual things, most of it was spam but I soon realized that it was the sites he was getting on and these websites he was subscribing to that was the reason for the spam messages. He lied to me time after time telling me he was just watching porn and thats why he has all these emails and I believed him until I seen an email sent to him about updating his Craigslist ad. I digged and digged and found all kinds of things, he was posting ads on Craigslist for sex and not just with girls. I have caught him so so many times through out our entire relationship and I know most people will just think I'm stupid and should have left and you are probably right but there's so much more and so many reasons why it never worked out like that. The first one being once he realized he was actually caught and I seen and knew about this whole Craigslist personal M4F, M4MF, and all that bull he told me that he never once went thru with any of it, which I believed BC he was always with me. He said he just used that as like a fantasy type of thing? Like a porn basically. I tried to just be understanding and talk it out. I set rules like no more posting ads yourself, and no sending pictures of yourself bc in my eyes that is cheating. Then i finally just couldnt put up with it and told him no craigslist at all. It was either me or craigslist. He would do good for weeks then slip up and get on it and i always caught him. But we always worked thru it. He still would say he never physcially cheated on me, Which at the time he may have been telling the truth but then another year went by of us constantly arguing about Craigslist and these weird sex websites, like milf.com, or websites condoning cheating just to hook up. And I just started to not trust him at all. He was getting so defensive and he was actually feeling so guilty for going behind my back and not being able to stop that he told me he thinks he is a sex addict and that he wants to find a group that deals with sex addicts. He only went to one meeting and we ended up getting into a huge fight that next day BC I found a bracelet in his pocket from him going to a "adult theater" and I lost it. I kicked him out and he moved three hours away, but then somehow someway I got sucked back in and he told me he didn't even want a cell phone anymore, that I could check everything, and that he just wants to be with me now that he knows I'm not playing around so I moved to where he was (not the best idea, but I love him and didn't want to give up on our relationship) he did really good the entire time I was there. Our relationship was getting so much better and I began trusting him again. Well I found I was pregnant and we moved back to our home town to be by my family again and things got bad, really bad. He was actually texting a couple while I was pregnant about meeting up at this hotel to . It was like he got worse as soon as he found out we were having a baby. I figured he was just scared and thought that he'd never get to experiment now or whatever. So again, I made excuses for him and tried to just understand. We ended up breaking up for a few weeks and who knows what all he did but I was MISERABLE. I was an emotional wreck and asked him to talk one day. He explained to me that he was very sexually curious and that he hates it. He said that he has nobody to talk to, and doesn't know how to handle it all. He was starting to hate himself and I could tell. But at the same time he was destroying me as well. And I was letting him. I was more worried about helping him and fixing him even tho I knew I'd keep getting hurt. I was pregnant and scared though. After the baby was born things were okay for about 2 months then one little fight and that was it, he just left. He didn't want anything to do with me, he said he was not in love with me and that our relationship was toxic, and blaming me for everything. He said he wants to be apart of his daughters life and that's it. I'm not going to get into detail but I didn't handle it well at all. I felt so lonely, so stupid, and just so many things. He walked away so easily and I begged him back and made myself look pretty pathetic. I'm not proud of that but two months went by and I was just starting to be okay and he made his way right back in and told me that he missed me to much, blah blah blah. I took him back BC everyday we were broke up I wished nothing but for him to come back and told myself I wouldn't question it if he did come back out the blue. But after finding out everything he did while we were broke up I just don't know what to do anymore. I read an actual text he sent out saying yes he is BI. That makes me so mad, and so hurt BC I've asked him so many times and have told him that I wouldn't judge him and that I wouldn't tell anyone. I have never told anyone about any of the things I've found, seen, read, or went thru with him. He barely has any family and I know everyone will judge him and not only that but it is embarrassing for me as well. I'm dating a BI guy??? I can't wrap my head around that. And he knows I seen the text and he completely shuts down if I even try to talk about it with him. Even with proof right in front of my eyes he will deny it. I know he's ashamed and embarrassed and that's why I'm trying to give him time. Time to really come to grasp that he is bisexual, and accept himself. My trust with him is so so bad now though that I don't know how much longer I can deal with all of this. I don't know if he is just using me, and came back because he knows I love him, and we have a daughter. (He's big on having a family) his believes absolutely don't match up with his sexual urges, or his actions. I know its a lot for him, but I don't think he realizes how much this all is for me. The past three years have been absolutely crazy and I don't know how to fix all this. His issues, my issues. My self esteem and my trust has gone to complete crap. But I'm well aware I'm doing it to myself. I'm so miserable without him tho too. I love him, and I want to believe that he loves me too. And I knows he BI but I want to believe that he did his experimenting while we were broke up (which makes me a little sick to think about BTW) and that he realized he doesn't want that type of lifestyle, by that I mean hooking up with random people every night. He didn't have to come back, thats what he keeps telling me. He says he wanted to make sure and come back when and if he was ready to actually be a family and be loyal 100%. It all makes since even though it put me thru hell. But I can't help but question it all. I have no idea if I'm just to blind to see that he's playing me or if he really wants to be with just me. I never thought I'd have to worry about not only him cheating with girls but guys too? I'm doing my best to make it work for my daughter as of right now but I just don't trust him and I am not 100% in this relationship emotionally like he claims he is now. I don't want to walk away yet when there's a slight chance it could be real. I'm just playing it day by day now I guess. But I can't get this whole BI thing out of my head. I'm not against gay people at all but I just never thought I'd be in a relationship with one. To be honest I never would have dated him if I would've known but 3 years and a daughter makes things a lot more complicated. I can't talk to anyone about this, not even friends. There is so much more to this story but I tried my best to sum it up. I just needed to vent, and to hear other opinions. Can a BI guy even being in a committed relationship? Clearly he wants things I can not give him. I have no idea what to do or where to start on fixing things. He can't even tell me himself that he's BI. I keep bringing up things I've seen, read on his phone and I get mad and go off on him which definitely doesn't help or make him want to tell me anything but I just don't understand how he could go out and have sex with couples, and all these PEOPLE while we were broke up when I was at home depressed as hell and taking care of a new born. I'm definitely not the easiest to handle or deal with, I have my issues and my faults so I know he has to have some love for me. I was thinking about going to counseling by myself, then seeing if he could do the same. Then going together as a couple. But I'm 22. Should I really be going thru all of this or trying this hard for our relationship to work? I'm so lost.

[Hollyj]

Be kind to your readers and break this thing into paragraphs.

[IAmFCA]

he is chaotic.

 

he may be bisexual. it doesn't matter. i have a friend who enjoys mfm but isn't bi, in my eyes. he enjoys sex. however he gets it is not important. he won't do certain sex acts with men and has no desire to kiss one, but in a group situation he will participate with both genders.

 

the label doesn't matter.

 

you have two choices:

 

- accept that your bf has a steady stream of very risky sexual engagements; these people are strangers who could hurt him or worse. Commit to a using a condom, always.

 

- accept that you need to walk away. Find some support to help you, your friends, a subsized health care climic. Focus on you you you. Healh, work, practical concerns. Build faith that if you work towards it wiill, come.

[nullstergirl]

Be kind to your readers and break this thing into paragraphs.

 

Next time I will, sorry! This is my first ever post. I wasn't thinking about it. But it won't let me edit because its been over 30 minutes.

[MissCanuck]

Agreed, this is too difficult to read.

 

Perhaps ask a mod to edit it for you.

[Hollyj]

Copy and post it below to make modifications