Found out my Dad is seeing prostitutes and gambles

[avaloncleo]

Hi there,

This is my first thread- my mom has recently discovered that my dad has been seeing prostitues...i am not sure why she has told me other than being in a bad place mentally and her lacking friends...they have a bizarre relationship where they sleep in other rooms- its been like this for the last 8 years...she has contantly degraded him and criticized in the past, for instance saying things such as, "i cant wait to meet someone new", "i cant wait to start dating"- i mentioned this too her the past critcisms and she said she said those things to get his attention...to me it seems like they are seperated as they live in seperate rooms but my mom is devastated, i am devastated too but also find it disgusting and high risk activity...he also gambles, my mom found this out because she put a gps tracker on his car and discovered his gambling problem, then discovered his escort activity thru google activity-google monitors the sites you log and everything else as long as your gmail is logged in...needless to say this is a messed up situation...i am 31 live at home with my 2 children and husband...how do i get over this? i am stunned that he has been seing escorts- my mom has confronted him but i cannot even look at him without feeling such contempt...it really is disgusting...i have a personal moral comapss that has always been very anti i cant stand that behaviour...my husband said that he is still the same person and to me, i feel like he is leading a double life, we put money into the house and says he has none- i even gave him my car to use and its probably got hookers lingering all over it- i am sickened- we give money on top of the rent because apparently he is at work all day but really hes gambling or with hookers...how do i deal with this? how do you get someone help for this?

 

If anyone has any suggestions or has been thru something similar please feel free to respond, literelaly found out about this on thursday, each day is a different feeling towards him...kind of feel like cutting him off as i feel disgusted with him, 59 banging 20 something year olds...its not even the age, its just wow...i hope no one has to go thru this...

[Seraphim]

Probably it is best for them to divorce. Your mom stopped respecting him years ago and he is done as well too I guess . They have not lived as spouses for sometime. Probably best to call it a day.

 

I am sorry .

[melancholy123]

Does your father know you and your mother know what he's been doing?

[glitterfingers]

I mean, I've been through this but my story doesn't have a happy ending, so I don't know how much use it is to you to hear it. My father took drugs, gambled and saw prostitutes weekly, often several times a week. We lived a good lifestyle, but the income he was earning was enough that he was spending thousands of dollars a month chasing hedonistic highs. The most upsetting part about it was that he brought my brothers and I into that lifestyle by introducing us to drugs and gambling from a young age, and then in our teens admitting that he saw prostitutes regularly and disclosing details to us like it was normal. Really warped our view of the world. Thing is, my stepmother was fully aware of all of this and permitted it (my mother had an inkling before they divorced, caught him a few times, but never told us kids).

 

I don't think you can really get a person help for this sort of thing or get them to change. Reason being they have an addiction to things that they don't see as harmful - if he could see a problem with his behaviour, he probably wouldn't be doing it. I'd say he truly enjoys living the way he does and would rather continue doing that than have to answer to anyone else. If/when he runs out of money or gets in trouble with the law, that might be a wakeup call for him to change. My father had a personality disorder, and had a stroke which caused him severe brain damage especially to the frontal lobe (personality/impulse control), and frankly these things just got worse for him as he got older

 

I think it'd be a bit unfair for you to choose to have nothing at all to do with your dad simply because of these things, if he is still a good father/grandfather at the end of the day. But I would be questioning whether he's shown other signs of personality disorders or mental health issues, because it's rarely JUST hedonism/addiction in and of itself. Ultimately you have to think about your wellbeing and that of your kids. As for your mum, she really needs to leave him because he's already made his decision.

[Unreasonable]

Well, I can't really tell you just to get over it, what he has done IS reprehensible. From what it sounds like your dad should have divorced your mom long ago. Any idea why he didn't? And how would you have felt if he did?

 

Prostitutes are so icky... but if they've been sleeping in separate beds in a loveless marriage for 8 years, denigrated by his wife (her comments, even if they were just attention-seeking, were COMPLETELY foolish), it is hardly surprising that he's stepping out for physical intimacy, right? Step into his shoes for a moment. How would you feel if your husband was saying those things to YOU? Also, gambling can be very addictive, it's sad that that happened to him.

 

Anyway, I think you should back away and allow yourself to simmer down. It will in time. But I don't think you should completely cut him off. He is still a human being and has a problem. Would you cut off a loved one if they had some other type of addiction?

[abitbroken]

she has contantly degraded him and criticized in the past,

 

Tell your mom that its between her and dad and you will not stand for her badmouthing him in front of you, nor will you tolerate him badmouthing her. And if either of them start on eachother....the time with you is over. If your mother wants to leave him, she will. But it sounds like she is more happy crabbing about him and won't leave.

 

When you say "live at home" - do you and your husband and kids live with your parents? If so, its time to move out. Stay out of their marriage and have your own peace.