somalley127 Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Okay so this will be a long story... I have been with a guy for 2 years. But recently he cheated on me online with a girl in a different country for a month without telling me. 3 girls, one of them online, already warned me he was flirty/cheating at points in our relationship. I even found nudes on his phone but he convinced me they were just public photos from the internet... Anyway, as soon as I found out, he still lied to me. But as soon as I caught him in the lie, he is sobbing and crying. He is telling me he still loves me and writing a letter to me. He even said he cut off contact with the girl and offered to salvage the relationship. Then he disappears and tells me he wants space for a while. I am so heartbroken. My family and friends don't like him now and I am torn between going back and staying. I will also admit that I was very clingy. I called a lot and I always forgave him after he showed disrespect towards me. I also wanted a lot of physical affection and felt like I didn't get much. When it came to doing things together, we always had different ideas. It became boring at times...I always loved him and would never cheat ever. But apparently he thought differently. What do I do? Link to comment
valavoo Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 I think, in short, don't go back to him. I see instances of multiple cheating here and I personally think you deserve better ;v; Link to comment
somalley127 Posted July 28, 2017 Author Share Posted July 28, 2017 Does it matter if I was very imperfect in the relationship aka clinginess? I can't stop blaming myself. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Does it matter if I was very imperfect in the relationship aka clinginess? I can't stop blaming myself. No, becasue the correct course of action would have been to break up with you, not cheat on you. He doesn't love you, OP. You have to let go of him. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Does it matter if I was very imperfect in the relationship aka clinginess? I can't stop blaming myself. Sounds like you are trying to take the blame for his choice in cheating. No, you didn't make him cheat. He chose to. Taking the blame is a typical desperate move when you are trying to justify going back to something that's broken. You just got done describing how this didn't meet your needs and it was boring. Add on top of that he cheats and lies about it. And you think you still love him? You can love him but recognize that you two are not meant to be together. Find a man with integrity, that you can trust, that shows you affection and someone you have fun with. Let this one go Link to comment
Roadrunner3 Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 What on earth was the reason for cheating with a girl in a different country? How did these other girls (especially one online) contact you to tell you? No, there isn't any reason for you to blame yourself. You wanted his affection and he didn't give it you, instead he gave his time to girls hundreds/thousands of miles away. Better off without him. Link to comment
happyfrank Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 He only sobbed because he was emotionally connected to you. He already checked out of the relationship and was looking for something more. Good luck. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 All I can is that it's long past due to take this one out to the dumpster. Also, no, you didn't make him cheat. He did that all on his own. There is never ever ever an excuse for cheating and nobody ever makes a cheater cheat. If you think that you were being bad, clingy, whatever, then the healthy and honorable response is to talk to you try to resolve things and if that fails, end the relationship.....or just end the relationship. There is no reason on this planet to cheat.....ever..... Link to comment
valavoo Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 All I can is that it's long past due to take this one out to the dumpster. Also, no, you didn't make him cheat. He did that all on his own. There is never ever ever an excuse for cheating and nobody ever makes a cheater cheat. If you think that you were being bad, clingy, whatever, then the healthy and honorable response is to talk to you try to resolve things and if that fails, end the relationship.....or just end the relationship. There is no reason on this planet to cheat.....ever..... It's really sad to me that people don't understand this. Partners of cheaters feel that it is their fault all the time... Link to comment
DancingFool Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 It's really sad to me that people don't understand this. Partners of cheaters feel that it is their fault all the time... Of course people understand this. That's why we are telling her that it is absolutely NOT her fault....because it really isn't. It never is. Link to comment
valavoo Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Of course people understand this. That's why we are telling her that it is absolutely NOT her fault....because it really isn't. It never is. Well, yes. I was agreeing with you. I just mean that so many people who are cheated on feel that it's their fault. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 He does not love or respect you, but you don't seem to love or respect yourself. Don't really understand why you would go back for more, as he has shown you repeatedly he can't be trusted. The tears mean nothing. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Well, yes. I was agreeing with you. I just mean that so many people who are cheated on feel that it's their fault. Ah, sorry. It's not just that, it's also that cheaters really have no moral fiber whatsoever and will not hesitate to gaslight, blame, accuse, and brainwash their victim into thinking it's their fault and the cheater is actually the victim. Basically, whatever it takes to save their skin mentality and sadly, it often works. But that's why we are here to yell out loud "NOOOO you are not to blame!!!!" and of course, "dump the cheating, lying loser". Link to comment
valavoo Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Ah, sorry. It's not just that, it's also that cheaters really have no moral fiber whatsoever and will not hesitate to gaslight, blame, accuse, and brainwash their victim into thinking it's their fault and the cheater is actually the victim. Basically, whatever it takes to save their skin mentality and sadly, it often works. But that's why we are here to yell out loud "NOOOO you are not to blame!!!!" and of course, "dump the cheating, lying loser". Completely agree. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 OP, as everyone has said, you should never blame yourself for cheating. There are no excuses! You need to find a guy you can trust. Link to comment
somalley127 Posted July 28, 2017 Author Share Posted July 28, 2017 Thank you so much everyone. All of the responses seem very similar...it is so nice to get an outside perspective. Yes I do have problems with self respect. And that is something I need to work on. Now...I don't know how to dump him. He won't answer calls or texts because he wants "space". So either I drop by his house and leave his things and a break-up letter...or I text him the break up. *sigh* Link to comment
somalley127 Posted July 28, 2017 Author Share Posted July 28, 2017 Besides...I can't stay with him. There is no way I can trust him at this point. And every time I see him, it will hurt even more. Link to comment
somalley127 Posted July 28, 2017 Author Share Posted July 28, 2017 What on earth was the reason for cheating with a girl in a different country? How did these other girls (especially one online) contact you to tell you? No, there isn't any reason for you to blame yourself. You wanted his affection and he didn't give it you, instead he gave his time to girls hundreds/thousands of miles away. Better off without him. Those girls were aquaintances of ours...not well known friends. Link to comment
Roadrunner3 Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 Those girls were aquaintances of ours...not well known friends. Ah, so you you knew all of them. Yet, he took the risk to flirt and thought himself so desirable that these girls would keep his secret from you. Yet, they didn't. They took your side and told you what you didn't want to hear. These girls were looking out for you because they feel you deserve better. No wonder he is sobbing. Time for you to hold your head high, put that wiggle in your walk and find a guy that deserves you! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 Thank you so much everyone. All of the responses seem very similar...it is so nice to get an outside perspective. Yes I do have problems with self respect. And that is something I need to work on. Now...I don't know how to dump him. He won't answer calls or texts because he wants "space". So either I drop by his house and leave his things and a break-up letter...or I text him the break up. *sigh* You do not need to break up with someone who has deceived you. Give his crap to a friend, and they can make the exchange. You do not need to explain to him what an azzhole he is. He already knows. Link to comment
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