Complex breakup: how to proceed

[Anonymous9841]

I'm 19 years old, male, and I was dating a girl who is currently 17 in a long-distance relationship. We met at ages 17 and 15 and dated for 1.5 years before finally breaking up 5 months ago. We've agreed that we had a very positive relationship for the first year, but after that (around when I started college) I started to change and act differently. I became more irritable with her and depressed related to the relationship going downhill and my lack of social success at college. I'd like to add that the distance of the relationship made it so we couldn't see each other whenever we wanted, but it wasn't a major issue in the downturn of our relationship like my change in personality.

 

After she broke up with me 5 months ago, she still had some feelings for me, and decided to keep talking to me off and on because she says I make her happy. This has gone on for 5 months, which is definitely a problem, because we're essentially having a fake relationship - where we say romantic things to one another and communicate every day, but we aren't actually "dating." I know, you all are probably going to point out how toxic this really is, and I agree completely. Recently, she's said that this pattern of having a fake relationship needs to come to a stop, even though we both have feelings, so we aren't communicating as of now. Her feelings towards me are loving and positive, but at the same time she doesn't think that I have treated her fairly and says that maybe she deserves better. She points out the fact that I still act like a little boy in some ways and it can make it so I'm hard to deal with in a relationship (needy in a way) - this is very hard to hear because I know it's true, and I don't want to be like a little boy anymore, I want to be an adult. I told her that I still hoped that we could be friends somehow, and she said that maybe we can be friends once our feelings for each other go away or are at least more manageable. To make matters more complicated, sometimes she says that she dreams of me "coming back to her" in the far future and says that I'm I good person who's worth marrying, and she worries that pushing me away too much will be the worst decision of her life.

 

Of course this is very heartbreaking to me, but if I don't let my emotions get in the way, I can see the logic behind what she's doing. The question is, how do I proceed with talking to her? She told me to text her sometime when I'm feeling much better, but I'm thinking I should wait a while for that, maybe a month. Of course you could say that I want her back, but I'm not expecting her back, and I shouldn't be "trying" to get her back so much. I just thought that being nice to her as a friend and becoming more of a man on my own would be my best avenue of success.

 

Thoughts?

 

Thanks

[vesper]

Basically, you are both playing hard to get. She is pulling away and making you feel 'hopeful'. You have to make a decision one way or another or walk away. Why make assumptions about her and your relationship when you don't have any cold hard facts?!

[happyfrank]

She is 17 and very immature. She is being a smooth talker to keep you around.

 

She wants you as insurance if it doesn't workout with other guys. I think you should breakup with her and date yourself somebody local that will really be into you.

#no games.

 

Good luck.

[Anonymous9841]

Vesper - Yes, I can see how she is making me hopeful in that way. Walking away wouldn't be a bad idea (as hard as that sounds). My assumptions I was making were based on things she told me. She recently told me the things about treating her unfairly, and being too much of a little boy. So at least I know those are things I can fix. It's hard when your emotions are screaming to go chase after her and don't lose her, but I know that my logic and reasoning doesn't agree with that, so I won't do it.

 

Happyfrank, the whole "insurance" thing is indeed disturbing. I don't have proof that's what she's thinking, but it's definitely a possibility. If she really loves me, she'd tell me and want to be with me. If I'm simply some insurance, she'll tell me when it's already too late and I found a better person (even though that's a hard thing to imagine amidst a painful breakup!). Your advice on finding another girl who'll lift me up is something that will help me mature a lot. Thanks. And yeah! #nogames