Broken and finally have lost hope

[robin13]

My ex and I started dating, I missed her so much, I learnt from my mistakes and I was so good to her when she came back. I treated her like a queen and for one week things were great. Then, she started becoming more distant. She said she, "Couldn't get over the fact I cheated on her." and that she "needed more time." It all ended before we both went on holidays. She wished me a happy birthday but I went pretty madd at her. She says that we are done for good, but she hopes to marry me and be with me after uni is finished? This girl just messes with my head. She said that she wants me to leave her alone so I have. I duno if this is just a phase or with time will she actually get over what happened. I'm torn between going back to her and moving on, she slept with a lot of guys when we ended and that kind of ruined things too for me. She said she came back to me because she missed me. I blocked her last night on everything and I just decided that it's not worth the hassle.

 

My other issues is how guilty I feel about how I treated her when we were in a relationship. I cheated on her a lot and wasn't very nice at times. I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to get over that guilt. How to become a better person, not just for her, but for myself. Thanks.

[Hollyj]

Sleeping with a lot of guys after you split, is much different than someone cheating on you. SHE DID NOTHING WRONG! She will never trust you again, and I don't blame her.

 

If you cared for her so much, then why did you cheat on her?

 

You become a better person, by not judging her for being with other people AFTER YOU SPLIT. And, by learning from your experience, as why you would treat someone you cared about in such a hurtful manner.

 

Leave her alone. She deserves someone who is trustworthy and will treat her with respect. Would also suggest counseling to understand why you did, what you did.

[DancingFool]

Can't undo the past, you can only change what you do in the future.

 

As for this girl, sounds like the damage is too great and any attempts at reconciling....honestly, sometimes you simply have to know when to let go and give the both of you a fresh start with someone else. There comes a point where there is too mach baggage and toxicity between two people and while forgiveness will come, forgetting will not. Your past history is liable to haunt you and continually poison your relationship. So better to let it go for both of you.

 

As for going forward, I mean in a way it's kind of easy. Don't cheat. Period. If you are not truly happy or satisfied in the relationship, then end things cleanly and move on. Do.not.cheat.ever.again. When you treat people with respect and how you would like to be treated, then you won't have to live with guilt. Or as I like to say it, I choose to live my life in such a way that when I wake up in the morning and look myself in the eye, I like who I see. You are in control of your actions, you are in control of what you do. In this case you are going to have to treat what you've done as a lesson for the future of what not to do to others.

[shessofly]

Most relationships never properly recover from cheating of this magnitude. Reflect on why you did those things to someone you profess to love and seek assistance with overcoming those issues if necessary so you do not repeat it in future relationships. Hopefully the guilt will subside in time. For now, you will just have to work your way through it.

[robin13]

Thanks for the advice. I know, I was just young. She was my first girlfriend, I cheated in high school. I mean, I would never do it again but you guys are right.

[hyden]

My other issues is how guilty I feel about how I treated her when we were in a relationship. I cheated on her a lot and wasn't very nice at times. I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to get over that guilt. How to become a better person, not just for her, but for myself. Thanks.

 

You don't get over the guilt. That's how you become a better person. It will eventually lessen in intensity, but it wont go away. Years from now when this ex gf pops into your head, you will still feel a tinge of guilt. If the guilt wasn't there, you would go back to old habits. Hell, you may anyways. Good luck.

[Hollyj]

Thanks for the advice. I know, I was just young. She was my first girlfriend, I cheated in high school. I mean, I would never do it again but you guys are right.

 

That's not a valid excuse. Sounds like you have a lot more work to do on self improvement : stop excusing behavior.

[eidetic]

This might be excessive, if you are not wanting to apply it to this particular relationship, but you can get a deeper sense of what you and she both were likely feeling or thinking during any cheating/betrayal/forgiveness times by reading resources for "affair recovery". They are usually geared toward marital relationships, but if you ultimately want to be married (to anyone), it's good information and you will see some ways to help foster trust again, and approaches or realities you might not have known about or understood before. These are not paid programs, they are more like newsletters or online articles, and they're free.

 

The past can't be undone, but it can be healed. Trust can be rebuilt with sincere and consistent actions from the person who cheated, and with the betrayed person's willingness to forgive. These ways of being require a lot of patience and humility from both partners. There's not really a formula or "one size fits all" approach, and every couple has their own challenges with it. But with respect, humility, sincerity, and consistent actions, infidelity couples do find their way back to each other. It's not easy, but infidelity is not always the death knell of a love partnership.

 

Like I said, maybe this is excessive for your situation? But I appreciate that you are asking for input and support; that's a step toward healing and growing already. Self review is always good, and you'll find some real treasure in the examination of how do couples navigate back to trust. Just know that above all, it takes time, so think long term.

[robin13]

Thanks, I guess that does give me some hope. I know I need to mature. I still do things out of anger and spite at her that probably cause question my sincerity. I do have the best intentions but again it's so hard to give your all to someone who appears to not care about you. Honestly, the past 5 months have been the hardest of my life. I can't see things improving. She was perfect, I was so so blind. I mean, I know I may not deserve her after cheating, but I'm a very different person. I value her and I honestly love her. But I guess you can't change how someone feels about you. I never thought she would walk away from me, I genuinely thought we would get married. I can't imagine how she feels, she loved me so much, she put up with so much for years and I totally betrayed her. I get so frustrated at myself, because if I could go back, I'd do it all so differently. Now I'm left feeling like an idiot, hurt and so alone. I guess it's karma. Love sucks.

[Pleasedonot5]

There are many reasons why people cheat. I never have, and hopefully never will let myself, but let me provide a different view than those who have posted already. You were young and sexually craving, and you still are. She didn't completely satisfy you, so you went looking for others who were willing. Despite your reasoning and feelings, you still did something objectionable and wrong that shattered someone's trust. You have two options:

 

1. You can make amends by apologizing (I'm sure you have) and working on yourself. You can be honest with yourself and with new partners, and tell them your intentions are to NOT be exclusive (i.e., only do FWBs, open relationships for now). In time, you may be ready for monogamy again, and you'll do better by a) communicating with your partner about what you want sexually, so that you crave less of other people and b) placing a solid moral wall up that prevents you from exploring others when you are in a monogamous relationship. If you get to the point where you are about to cheat, a red flag should go off that says, "this is wrong, I can't do this and still respect myself." In time, your sexual cravings will probably die down and this will be less of an issue anyway.

 

2. You can continue making excuses, vilifying the other person (equating some smaller transgression like sleeping around afterwards with your cheating), and refuse to grow. You will continue to sabotage monogamous relationships. You'll end up right back where you are, posting on this forum about the same thing.

 

I vote you go for #1.

 

As for the ex, respect her wishes and give her space. She's in college and she'll be exploring. There is nothing wrong with what she is doing, just as there is nothing wrong with you exploring now either. She likely will not come back. Cheating and partner betrayal is hard for both partners to recover from, especially since you two are so young and are not married. Your future is bright, and you are NOT an awful person for messing up a little at a young age. The act was wrong, but you are not wrong. There is hope for making amends and pursuing healthier relationships in the future.

 

And plus it sounds like you are in college now. Be honest with yourself, and just have (safe) fun for a while.