Would you want to know details - CHEATING?

[scaredsilly]

When I found out about my wife cheating on me and confronted her, I wanted to hear ever little detail about what happen, her feelings, why she did it, what she did, etc.

 

I thought this would help me in understanding her, but now I have more uncertainties than I did prior. I dont understand alot of what she did and how she acted. I dont understand why she lied to me when I brought it out? I dont understand how she could not consider my feelings? I dont understand why she did not protect herself or us? I have many things that I am hung up on, mostly because I believe I dont understand, which is preventing me from moving on.

 

Would you want to know the details? If so, how do you try and understand the mindset of your partner? How do you let go and move on???

[PowR]

I think really you are better off finding out the details. Its hard and raises alot of questions but, despite what you might think, you're are closer to truth by knowing the details than not.

 

I would say that the reason you now are far more uncertain about the whole thing is that, despite your questions being answered, you dont trust that the answers youv received are in fact true. Your trust in your partner has been destroyed and that affects every facet of your relationship. So, even though you and your wife are obviously willing to give your relationship another go and want to get past the affair by talking about it, deep down you feel the conversations ye are having arent completely honest. I think however this insecurity, while justfied, is probably unfounded. I would say your wife is very sorry, ashamed and just wants her relationship with you back. For that reason, you should believe her when she describes the affair, her motivation and reasons for cheating but also for calling it off. Ask her all the questions that are haunting you and find it in yourself to trust that her responses are honest and true.

 

This of course wont really ease the pain, a cheating partner is very difficult to deal with. But all these feelings, the distrust and the antagonising over the affair will pass with time. It will probably take a long time but eventually, if your willing to fight for your wife, your relationship can go back on track. Dont punish her, dont make things worse than they have to be. Just talk about the affair, your relationship and what ye both want in order to attempt to restore the trust. If that doesnt work, Im afraid staying together will just prove too hard and it will break ye up. Good luck!!

[Hope75]

Part of me would want to know the details, because if I didn't, I'd always be picturing the worst, every possible scenario, but then, if I did find out the details, I don't think I could handle it, I think I would picture it in my mind and never be able to get over it.

 

Cheating is such a tough thing to overcome, and learning to gain trust after being cheated on is very difficult, the choice to know the details is very individual.

 

Just be careful if you do ask for details that you can accept what you hear and be able to move on, if that's ultimately what you want to do, and that if you do choose to continue with the person who cheated on, that you can fully forgive them knowing what you know, because a relationship will not survive infidelity if you can't forgive and move on from it.

[flypaper]

When my ex cheated on me (note the ex) I wanted to know his feelings and the reasons why, but I didnt so much care about what he did. I didnt understand his reasons behind it because they were personal to him. Simarly I have cheated on someone and at the time felt I was starved of attention, but looking back it was just me not knowing what I was missing from the outside world. To cheat on someone in the first place takes a confused person.

[RayKay]

I saw a program about this once...please forgive me but it may have been Oprah!

 

Anyway, they talked about this very thing - as there was one woman who wanted to know EVERY detail about her husbands affair - she even emailed the ex-mistress to find out all the details about how the sex was (not that good) and how many times, and what he called her, and so on. She said it helped her as she found out the affair was not THAT hot, but still she still was always looking for details and reliving it over and over - not that healthy. And what if she found out it WAS hot?

 

Anyway, the therapist on the show recommended to leave the details out of it. Basics are fine, but be careful about getting too caught up in the details as it leaves bigger imprints on your memory if you are both wanting to work through it and move on together. It can allow you to relive it over and over, and bring up the "details" in arguments (etc don't call me "Pookie", you called HER "Pookie" or "Oh, didn't your bring HER here"....and so on).

 

Personally for me this would be a non-issue as I would not stay with someone who cheated, but if hypothetically I did while I would "want" to know details, I would also NOT want to know...and would probably try to avoid them as to allow myself to heal and move on and work things out.

 

Just be careful about getting trapped into that cycle of wanting to know more and more, and hurting yourself in the process. Focus more on the details of how to heal your relationship and move on, rather than on that which has hurt it so badly.

 

Good luck.

[providentielle]

I can understand why you want to know everything and I would too. I think there is an element of you know someone and then when they are with someone else you feel like there is a part of them you know nothing about so you want to know it all so you are not left out and still know everything about them. I dont believe that a short period of infidelity can cancel out years of a relationship you have had with that person. My boyfriend and i often talk about this because we both have very different opinions on the matter. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am not a very jealous person so I think i could deal with it better and I am more understanding that people make mistakes. I dont know how long you have been together but after you become cmfotable in a relationship I can see why she might feel turned on and excited by the idea of someone else finding her attractive and feeling wanted and sexy. Try to be understanding and dont let a mistake end an otherwise happy marriage. Good luck

[sisterlynch]

It is human nature to be curious. It is normal to hold on to the neg emotions when someone has betrayed you, but you need to look at what you may be doing to your health and future health.

[someguy69]

You will want to know the details, but it is better not to know.

 

The worst case scenario is that you will find ways that the other lover was "better" than you. With another male lover, anatomy plays a much larger role (maybe even literally). If the other lover had a larger penis, you're going to obsess over it no matter how superior you are in other ways.

 

The absolute best case scenario would be that the other lover was lousy in the sack -- but then why would the affair have carried on? Is she lying to protect your feelings?

 

There also lies the possibility that she may exaggerate certain details to get you to stop asking about it, or because she feels resentful.

 

Last, but certainly not least is (as previously mentioned) any activity that they did together... positions, sex acts, places they went, movies they saw, etc, etc, are going to be forever tainted for you. It's just better to avoid specifics.

[Cecelius]

I wouldn't want to know the details (or rather, I might want to but I'd restrain it). Like Ray said, I wouldn't stay 2 seconds with a cheater, but at a minimum, you need to not care about the details. You're clearly better than he is, so what do you care?

 

Second, and this might be a man thing, but knowing what some guy did to your wife would, to me, just be the absolute death knell.

[dedee]

I think it is natural curiosity to want to know details. The problem with details in this matter though is that they may cause you to have thoughts that you need not have. For instance, if you know every detail and all your wife wants to do is let go then you will be torn with heart wrenching thoughts when all she is thinking about is you. I suggest being careful in how much detail you discuss.

The important topics are why she did it and how she would prevent it in the future.

I can say from personal experience, I hurt my husband deeply and myself during a time I was so lonely and depressed, on the verge of suicide. I got drunk one night and allowed my selfish needs and wants to over-ride my committment to the man I love most in this world. Later I found out he felt lonely himself and we both were not meeting each other's needs. I deal everyday knowing how weak I was as a person but each day I am stronger and smarter and more in love with my husband.

Good luck and where this is love and remorse and understanding there is a way to amend and be happier than ever. By the way letting go is a choice, a choice to let the past be in the past and recognizing people make mistakes and change.

[Cecelius]

You probably need to focus exclusively on where you go from here and not focus on the past (details of the banging, whatever).

 

Personally, I'd be looking at this certainty: she can never, ever be trusted again. No matter what happens in the future, you always know that at any moment, if she happens to feel improperly maintained, she has a materially greater risk of banging some other guy than a normal girl. She could have gotten pregnant, gotten a disease, the story could have gotten public, whatever.

 

At best, you will struggle to maintain where you are emotionally.

 

If you honestly love her that much, or are attached to her maybe it's worth it.

 

And even if you are able to forgive, no counsellor on the planet will tell you to forget.

 

But I would, if I were you, leave some of the past-focus, recognize that YOU are in charge of where things go from here.