It wasn't that bad, so why am I affected by it?

[Ophelia13]

Despite being with someone I truly love for several months now, I every now and then I get haunted by memories of a past encounter that ended badly.

 

 

 

A couple years ago, I met a man on a dating app. He was 23 and I was 20. We'd been talking for around a month (maybe even a little less than a month) before we finally met up in person.

 

I don't know why I agreed to meet up with him. When we were still talking, he couldn't stop telling me how attractive I was, which is a huge red flag. Additionally, he said he would only be available at 9:00 PM; another red flag. But I agreed anyhow, for some stupid reason. I guess I was just filled with raging hormones on that day.

 

He took me to his townhome, and we watched a movie while cuddling on his couch. Right from the beginning, he kept kissing my neck. I found it weird, but I didn't mind it (I don't know what I was thinking. It isn't normal, and I should have acknowledged that.).

 

Then later at some point, he reached his hand underneath me (I was on top of him) and started touching me in places. I was uncomfortable with this so I tried shifting away to maybe nonverbally convey that I didn't want it; but he didn't get it, so I ended up just politely telling him to stop, and he sort of chuckled, but complied. I should have just demanded to go home right then and there, but unfortunately I was an idiot.

 

After the movie ended, he got on top of me and kissed me. It was my "first kiss", I suppose (yeah, I know, I waited too long). It was awful. I guess he thought it was "hot" to lick someone's face while kissing them, because that's what he did. I told him I didn't like it, and he chuckled just like before, apologized and said he wouldn't do it again.

 

We cuddled for a little bit longer and he reached his hand underneath me and started doing what he did earlier, so I reminded him that I wasn't comfortable with that, and he seemed kind of angry/annoyed.

 

But we continued, and then things got a bit intense and eventually he said he was "horny" and just kind of stared like he expected me to do something and I felt like I had to do something, because it seemed like my fault.

 

So I agreed to sleep with him (I was young and foolish), but it was my first time, and I was nervous/uncomfortable with the whole situation. I couldn't even let him finish because it hurt too much (that's what tends to happen when you have sex despite not wanting to), and I begged him to stop. He complied, but he seemed annoyed. He asked me if I was okay, but something was amiss about the way he asked it.

 

After that night I felt guilty, and for some reason I thought I liked him. Before, he used to text me every evening, but now it seemed like he didn't want to talk to me again. I was starting to sense that I'd been lied to.

 

I texted him a week later and asked him if he just wanted to be friends or if he wanted to keep seeing each other, or what. He said that he "wasn't looking for a relationship" at the moment, but we could still be friends. However, it seemed more like he just wanted to keep me around in case he ever "needed something". I didn't want to be someone's part-time plaything, so I cut off all ties with him.

 

 

 

 

 

After the whole ordeal, I felt horrible, like I just allowed myself to be used. Still to this day, when I'm having a really bad depressive episode (I have Bipolar II disorder, and am currently not on a mood stabilizer), sometimes I suddenly remember this event in vivid detail and it makes me feel physically sick to my stomach.

 

I try to distract myself from the memories, but it's like my mind doesn't let me. It's extremely frustrating. I haven't even watched that movie we saw together ever since, because i'm afraid of it reminding me of that night and what followed.

 

But I don't understand why it's still affecting me. It wasn't a "traumatic" event by a long shot, it was just a horrible mistake that I made two years ago. It almost makes me think maybe I'm too sensitive, and I get affected or hurt by little things too easily. I'm in an actual relationship now, and I feel more loved than ever, but I still get haunted by these stupidly unjustifiably-painful memories.

 

Why can't I just forget it? Has anyone else experienced this (being affected by something trivial from the past) before? How do I make it stop?

 

I don't need anyone to scold or criticize me; or tell me that I "should talk to a therapist instead of posting this here". I need advice, and answers to my questions. Thank you.

[Giblesp]

I've known a few women who went through something similar when they were young, your definitely not alone in this. Your reactions are completely normal for what has been an unpleasant event.

 

It will take a while but you can get this memory down to the point where its bearable. That is, you can look back at it and know that it was a terrible thing, but it doesn't affect your life in the present.

 

Its going to take a bit of self work and time. Maybe confide with your current BF about it, just so that he's aware. Keeping yourself healthy is always the key to process and recover from things, good food, sleep and plenty of exercise and fresh air. Know you said you don't want to hear about therapy, but it could help. There are plenty of self help books available also.

[nutbrownhare]

Although you weren't raped in the sense of being pinned down against your will, this is what effectively happened to you. It's not surprising that you're still haunted by it.

 

Losing your virginity is a big deal for most women, and the circumstances of yours were terrible - a guy you weren't into, penetration you didn't want but felt too guilty/intimidated to stop. Feeling that his inappropriate sexual behaviour was all your "fault"... this is all sexual abuse. Just a guess, but I'm guessing that trying to keep contact with him was your way of trying to make it "normal", to minimise the feeling that you'd been used.

 

Feeling dirty and guilty is par for the course for sexual abuse victims. The tragedy is that they are not the ones who should be feeling bad about it, either. While you bravely describe it as not being traumatic by a long shot, it very clearly WAS. Just because events don't rate very highly on the trauma scale, it doesn't mean they won't affect you for quite a while afterwards, and you can also have flashbacks in situations which recall the original event.

 

If you feel you can talk about this to your partner, then think about doing so. If you don't want to go into therapy, just call a helpline and express your memories and feelings there. This will all fade in time, but it can be pretty rough before it does.

 

(((HUGS)))

[Jibralta]

You want it to be trivial, but it wasn't trivial to you. You were used and pressured into doing something that you did not want to do. That's really sh*tty, and I'm not surprised at all that you still feel bad, and don't want to watch that movie again. You will probably deal with these feelings for a while. But they will fade over time. Talk to some trusted friends, or a therapist. Maybe read other peoples' accounts of similar stories. Just don't keep trying to minimize what happened or deny that your feelings are valid. Your feelings are valid. I think that one day in the future, you will be able to watch that movie again without batting an eye. Just not for a while. It will take time.

[Ophelia13]

Losing your virginity is a big deal for most women, and the circumstances of yours were terrible - a guy you weren't into, penetration you didn't want but felt too guilty/intimidated to stop. Feeling that his inappropriate sexual behaviour was all your "fault"... this is all sexual abuse. Just a guess, but I'm guessing that trying to keep contact with him was your way of trying to make it "normal", to minimise the feeling that you'd been used

 

At the time, though, I WAS into him. And he stopped after I begged him to (because it was painful), albeit reluctantly. That's why I don't consider it to be rape. I verbally consented to it (despite not being 100% comfortable with it), and he stopped when I revoked my consent.

 

He was leading me on the whole time though, and I fell for it. All he wanted from me was sex, and I was too stupid to see that.

 

I don't know why I'm feeling like it was so much worse than it actually was. It wasn't that bad.