Is There Hope?

[Missy68]

Ok - here's my story and I'll try to keep it short. I dated a guy I work with for about 5 months. There is an age difference, he's 27 & I'm 37.

We hit it off so well, so much in common and such similar backgrounds. The age difference didn't get in the way of anything. We were playful together and had this deep connection that I believe we still have.

 

I broke it off with him because I didn't trust him. He'd lied to me, and he wanted a sexual relationship without a committment. He didn't want to commit because I have children and while he got along great with them and bought them presents, he was afraid of that.

 

We are still friends. I broke down when I found out he lied to me again a few weeks ago. I took him to a hockey game and afterwards he said that he was sick and wanted to go home to bed. That following Monday, for whatever reason he felt compelled to tell me that he lied to me so he could go out for drinks with his new girlfriend.

 

Well, after I broke down - he tried calling me twice and I didn't answer. He sent me an email saying that I hated him and that he'd just have to deal with that. I never said that I hated him, nor did I imply it.

 

I invited him out for drinks a couple days later and that went well. I put forth my happiest self. I've been telling him how happy I am for his new found romance. In fact, I got to meet her last night at a work happy hour. While I would have rather shoved needles under my fingernails because it hurt so bad to see him with her, I greeted her with a warm, sincere smile and talked with her for a little bit.

 

Then I told them that it was nice to see them and that I wished I could stay but I had a date. Which was a lie.

 

We met for lunch that following Monday - and he asked me hwo my date was. I said great, and changed the subject - tried to keep an air of mystery.

 

He told me that she complains all the time about everything around her. Says she calls him too much. In fact, he asked me how many times I thought she called already that morning. 3. And it was only 11:00 am. Apparently she has a bad back (at 25) and he had to arrange for someone to go to her house to treat her.

 

He says that she is a lot of fun, but he sees them being just frineds.

 

I don't know, I am confused. I'd appreciate anyone's input, thoughts or advice. Thanks! Missy

[DN]

Decide what you want. If it is a committed relationship with him then ask him to talk and lay it on the line. Tell him that you love him and want him but it has to be a proper relationship with no lying or hidden agendas. Get him to tell you what he wants and what his worries or concerns are and then negotiate and compromise to find a solution that pleases both of you.

 

If you cannot do that, then you should walk away and find someone who will give you what you want.

[lady00]

Why do you want this guy back? He lied to you on several occasions and told you he only wanted a sexual relationship with no commitment. I understand that you two got along well, had a lot in common etc. but he messed up and wasn't willing to give you the kind of relationship you want...so why go back to that?

[Missy68]

Yes, he lied and he would probably do it again.

[DN]

If you cannot trust him you should not be with him - trust is absolutely necessary for a good relationship - lack of trust will corrode it beyond repair.

[Missy68]

Agreed. I just don't want to give up hope. However, IF he ever decided to ask me to come back, I wouldn't take him unless he made changes in his life.

[cassiana]

Decide what you want from a relationship. If he isn't going to give you that then move on.

 

I would not have anything to do with him while he's dating another woman. The fact that you see him while he's dating another and he tells you about her makes you his FRIEND, not his girlfriend now or ever. I bet he's not telling her about you.

If you want him as a friend only then keep this up. If you want him as a BF then tell him that you don't want to see him anymore because its too painful and you are only interested in him if hes your his exclusive BF and you are his exclusive GF.

[Missy68]

There is still a big part of me that loves him very much. Although at this point, focusing on the bad things about him is helping me move on. I am to the point where I don't dwell on thoughts of him much anymore. I am on day 3 of no contact - except for work contact which cannot be avoided. And that is kept short and sweet. My contact before was mostly email. I rarely called him. And the last three times he tried calling me, I did not answer. Then the last time he called, I did return his call. He said that he had a question, but could not remember what it was. I am more inclined to think that he changed his mind about asking me.

[cassiana]

Go out and get a great haircut. Make sure you look great at work. Always appear busy and happy. Do not let him knowhow you are thinking. Keep up the NC. If he calls, answer but be about to do something and sign off after ten minutes. Do not volunteer anyu information. If he asks about your love life tell him its none of his business.

[Missy68]

Sounds good to me! That's basically what I've been doing. And how funny! I have a haircut appt scheduled for next week - I'm just trying to decide on which sassy new cut I want!

 

I also got some flowers! He stopped by my desk and asked for some gum, but did not comment on the flowers. Then a few minutes later he came by again and asked about them as he went for the card. He read it (Smile baby girl! Breathe in the sweet smell of spring. Love, Brennan. ) He was shaking a bit, then he said, "That's awesome." and walked away. I could really not tell if he just truly didn't care - or if he was a little jealous.

 

I told him weeks ago that I'd gone out a couple times, but nothing more. At an office happy hour his gf asked if I was staying long - I said no, I have a date so I gotta run. The next day he asked me how my date was and I said great, we had a good time. Dinner and a walk. Then I promptly changed the subject. He hasn't asked since.

[Missy68]

So what do you think? If he really cared and were interested, would he have asked more about this new guy? Or does it look like he's moved on and just didn't really care to ask?

[Missy68]

My ex has had a new gf for about a month or so now. He just emailed me and told me that she freaked out last night because he works too much. I just said, "That's nice, send her some flowers" and then I changed the subject.

 

Anyway, he's always telling me things like that. She calls too much, complains too much, etc. Well, this is starting to make me feel like I must have been REALLY REALLY bad since he wants nothing to do with me, but he stays with her despite all that.

 

My question is why does he tell me all this bad stuff about her??? And I didn't even ask about her. He just volunteers it!

[lady00]

He has a new gf so i'm assuming his asking you about the date was pure curiosity. He seems to have moved on...and you should too...he doesn't sound like someone you can trust anyway.

[Missy68]

So he emails me and asks what I'm doing tonite. I ask why. THen he says he and Brooke (the new gf) are working on his house tonite and he needs to talk to someone about work. Do I go over there and act all happy and be his confidant? Part of me is very curious why he would do this. The other part wants to tell him to go to hell. I just don't understand why he would do this. He had a chance to talk to me last week at lunch but invited some of our fellow employees to go along. And he could call me. Why would he want me to go over there when they are working on his house - just like he and I used to do?

[lady00]

Tell him you're too busy to go over there...I think you're just going to feel awkward but that he can call you if he needs to talk about work. You don't want to risk being uncomfortable...his request is strange. Why would any sane/normal person want their ex over at their house while the new person is there. I guess it would be worse if he asked you over while she was not there but I don't see any good reason whatsoever why you should ever go to your exes house, when the only other people there are him and his girlfriend. Any workrelated stuff should be done at the office and if that's not possible, then over the phone.

[Missy68]

Well, I talked to him last night and turns out he wanted me to come for supper with the two of them so he could ask me what was the best way for him to go about giving his two-weeks notice at work. And whether or not I thought he'd be looked upon badly for quitting. I asked him if he didn't think it was a little weird that he'd have me over for supper with them. He said no. Then I said, oh, she does not know about me, does she? Then he said no, because nothing happened with you and I after I met her. Then he said sometimes he can be a little brash about these things, but doesn't know unelss someone tells him. Then I spoke with him very briefly about work and ended the call. This morning, I sent him this in email:

 

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If you really want some perspective, then try this. Tell Brooke all about me. The miscarriage,

how you faked being sick and tired so you could be with her after the hockey game and everything before and in between. All of it. THEN ask her if she'd like to have me over for supper with the two of you.

 

Of course, I am kidding, but since you regard her feelings much, much higher than mine, imagining her reaction to that might give you a little perspective of what it might be like for me.

 

I know that apathy can be a symptom of MS - and that the horrible things that happened to you as a child can also have that effect. Not that any of that is an excuse to treat someone badly, but that is part of the reason that I will always forgive you. Another part is that I know that someday, when you are more mature, you will have a better understanding of it all. And the other part - the most important part - is because forgiving you is the right thing to do.

 

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Is it wrong to have sent that to him? I doubt he will give it a second thought, but I needed to tell him how that made me feel.

[lady00]

Right on! He needs a reality check and I think your email is just that.