Jealous of his female coworker

[Birdfish09]

My husband and I have been together 8 years, married for almost 3. We're very happy together. But something happened 2 months before we got married, and I'm still a bit hurt.

 

A new girl had started working with him. He "hit it off" with her right away as friends. He eventually started seeing qualities in her that he wished I had. He grew to resent me.

 

I confronted him about the strange distance that he seemed to be putting between us. He admitted he started doubting our relationship when this girl started working with him. Nothing physical ever happened. He essentially had an emotional affair, but he denies even that. According to him he just saw things he liked in her, wished I had them, then admitted to growing resentful towards me for being...me.

 

I tried to call off the wedding, but he snapped and came right back to me emotionally. After a lot of talking, crying, and reasoning, we managed to get through it, got married, and are happy.

 

He genuinely doesn't give me reason to worry. However, he still works with the girl. He also has to go on many business trips with her, and always to beautiful, exotic locations/islands due to the nature of their work.

 

This hurts me even though I know he is 100% back to being invested in me and only me. I can't help but feel jealous and even hateful towards this girl, as if she doesn't even deserve the pleasure of his friendship.

 

I also become insecure when other women enter his life through work, which is something I had never experienced in my relationship with him before. In fact, the lack of jealousy and insecurities I had before this is what set this relationship apart from all my others; I was confident about who I was for the first time in my life.

 

Any thoughts or guidance would help. This really sucks.

[Xylitol]

I think that in the end, what is most important is that he 'chose for you' ,he chose to marry you because he loves you. He chose to be committed to you, and not someone else. After that, you need to let it go. Because you can only control yourself not someone else. When you are on the bus, you also don't grab the bus drivers steering wheel, you trust the bus driver to bring you from point A to point B. If you start grabbing the bus drivers steering wheel out of insecurity reasons, the bus will crash. in these kind of cases as long as the bus is going into a positive direction where you want to go, you keep staying inside of it. Only if you find out that it's going into a wrong direction where you don't want it to go you get out. You can only love someone, you cannot hold them as a prisoner. Try to let it go, unless there is hard evidence that there is an affair going on you should trust your husband.

[WombatShadow]

It sounds like the two of you could do with some couples counseling, and you might need some individual counseling. I completely agree with your assessment that he had an emotional affair, even if he claims that it wasn't, and your feelings of mistrust are grounded in reality. Nonetheless, your jealousy and his refusal to see things from your perspective will continue to be an issue for you in the future. Yes, he chose you, and that's good news, but the work doesn't stop there.

[nutbrownhare]

It's not unusual for people to have crushes on new people who come into their lives - see all sorts of wonderful qualities, all that - and then reality steps back in, the rosy glow fades and it's business as usual. Or, to put it another way, familiarity breeds contempt.

 

It sounds as though this is what happened with your husband and his colleague, which is why he could wholeheartedly come back to you emotionally and get married. You state that he frequently goes on business trips with her, and nothing shady's going on. Chances are, she doesn't even realise that your husband had a "thing" for her and would be very embarrassed if she did. Is she in a relationship, do you know?

 

Whatever, other women will be coming in and out of your husband's work life. You can guarantee that they had lives of their own before they met your husband, will continue to do so whilst working with him, and are unlikely to be preoccupied with him. If something happens to change this, of course, then the whole situation will need to be re-evaluated, but in the meantime - just relax and let yourself know he chose you, and three years after your wedding is continuing to choose you!

[Birdfish09]

She is single. I met her a couple of times and there was definitely discomfort on her part in my presence. She looked at him a lot, and her body language with him was indicative that she was definitely charmed by him. She even elbowed me out of conversations by directing the the subject towards funny things that happened at work, but in a very blatant way. She once looked at me while she tugged on his shirt and said "we have so much fun".

 

I observed all of this before I even knew about what was going on with him.

[nutbrownhare]

She is single. I met her a couple of times and there was definitely discomfort on her part in my presence. She looked at him a lot, and her body language with him was indicative that she was definitely charmed by him. She even elbowed me out of conversations by directing the the subject towards funny things that happened at work, but in a very blatant way. She once looked at me while she tugged on his shirt and said "we have so much fun".

 

If your husband is no longer interested in her, all this is irrelevant. It sounds as though she's disrespectful of your relationship - and I've come across women who really hit on my partner, too - and I can understand why you privately hate her. However, you're allowing her to creep into your relationship by giving her headspace, and she needs to be banished from your imagination as soon as possible.

 

Every time you start to think about her, replace it with positive affirmations and/or a reminder that your husband chose you, and continues to choose you. Don't give her any more houseroom.

[megamuppet]

If your husband is no longer interested in her, all this is irrelevant. It sounds as though she's disrespectful of your relationship - and I've come across women who really hit on my partner, too - and I can understand why you privately hate her. However, you're allowing her to creep into your relationship by giving her headspace, and she needs to be banished from your imagination as soon as possible.

 

Every time you start to think about her, replace it with positive affirmations and/or a reminder that your husband chose you, and continues to choose you. Don't give her any more houseroom.

Yes. Thinking about things make it so much worse. I do this all the time, although I am getting some help with it. When I think negative things, or get one of my nonsense ideas, I distract myself. Otherwise I spiral into madness. I imagine things that are not happening, see things that are not there and torture myself.

 

I wobbled before my wedding over something similar, my husband constantly looked at other women when we went out. We had the same tears and insecurities and I dont regret getting married for a minute.

 

I do, however, feel the need to bring it up now and again, just for some reassurance. He admits what he did, still does it on occassion but I do find it difficult to move on at times. I feel like I am a compromise and second choice and I struggle with it. I am having counselling, on my own and it is helping. Please don't ignore it, it will just eat away at you.