PLEASE HELP READ CAREFULLY..NEED ADVICE AND SUGGESTIONS.

[darrenloved]

Hi I am 21 and I live in Johannesburg South Africa. I am sure that people who know me might see this including my ex girlfriend but I am at a stage that I actually dont care anymore who does.

 

It started out like this. I went on a cruise in December 2004 and met a girl the second night. Anyways I did not see this girl till like the 8th night of the cruise and this was a 14 night cruise. On the 8th night I started talking to her and we got on well, the next night we sang a duet together and it was great, the next night we talked in my room for hours, the next night I kissed her. We spent so much time together. Anyways on New Years we got more physical but I am not really interested in the sexual aspect as I dont care about SEX only, so I did not sleep with her. She also is a religious Christian. We discussed that LDR do not work and decided to keep in contact but then we both decided that we have so much in common, we love each others company, and there is so much to learn about each other that we will start a relationship we both are commited too.

 

Well while I was in Miami for a week before going home we spoke twice a day and eventually she said to me please come visit me and my family in Michigan. I went to see her there..It was great. The time was awesome and she really opened up to me and told me alot. She told me she had two boyfriends before who stalked her when she broke up with them. Anyways as time goes I flew home after visiting her and we spoke twice everyday.

 

She was quite moody often but I understood it was her stress in Varsity. I own a cruise company and I am involved in alot of business so money was not a problem. She also claimed to have many guy friends and even went on a weekend to Ski with one...who she had kissed before but not told me. Anyways she begged me to come to NYC i said I would tried but could not get my partner to back off with the business so I could go. It was awful but her mom went to see her then.

 

The next week I got off so I told her id come for ten days she was extatic. As it is I went to New York on the day I planned too and she met me. The first day was great.By the way during the first two months of our relationship we always said it will work no matter what..she said she feels like im THE ONE and I agreed about her. We waited a while before saying I love you when we really meant it.

 

All of a sudden she started saying things like hey honey God wants this to work it will lets take it by day and things like dont call me this and that name anymore. The second day she seemed kinda moody and I asked her if she was Ok she said yes its just PMS coming along. The first and second day we were physical. The third day she and me spoke and I said look im Jewish and you Christian but we will get through it and she agreed.She also said she had told her friends that we had been having problems which was not that true. The next day she made me run around with her and her friends looking for apartments etc. She never ever cancelled school or anything for me and that I guess made her extremely moody and argumentative. That night she cut down the level of physicality. She said I could only go so far. As I said the physical I didnt care about. I just guess we were extremely physical because we had not seen each other for a long time. The next night she said no touching below only on top I accepted this. The next night she said no touching at all and wouldnt let me hold her...said she felt uncomfortable. I agreed with her and said its no problem but why is it like this...we spoke about it and agreed its religion. I asked her why she was acting so different and she told me its because I realise I dont have to be how you expect me to be I can be the real me.The next day we went out for lunch..I said to her maybe I must go back and give her time with her friends because we are arguing.I said id go back to South Africa and she said how would that help and breaking up was not the solution.After when we went back to my hotel she broke up with me saying it was too much too soon. I said to her but you have said you love me. She agreed she had but then said its impossible for me to love her if she didnt love me...She said shes sorry but it was an infatuation. The fact of the matter is she was so in love with me she always wanted to speak to me etc. She said I want to speak to you about three times a week still .I said after you have hurt me I cant.I tried to argue but she said No and I asked her to say good bye as Ill leave for South Africa . She said no she would rather me leave hating her then loving her. She also said its your choice to erase me. She was wrong as she did call me when I had left the hotel room already. Anyways I messed up because I texted her like twenty times and emailed her three times. I also called her four times but she would not answer. I acted like a stalker but I think I had the right too as I was going back and did not live in that country. I even told her I would move there next year for her.

 

I LOVE THIS GIRL....SHE DOES NOT WISH TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME. THIS IS DUE TO ME RUNNING AFTER HER AT THE END AND ACTING LIKE A TOTAL MORON. SHE IS 20 I AM 21.I LOVE HER SO MUCH...I HAVE BEEN SPENDING MY MONEY SEEING A SHRINK AND HE SAYS ERASE HER. I CAN NOT. HOW CAN I GET HER BACK OR WHAT CAN I DO TO IMPROVE THE SITUATION.

 

I know in the beginning when I was back home she was more relaxed and less stressed and near the time I went there changed medication. PLEASE HELP ME AS I AM SO DEPRESSED....I WANT HER BACK ILL DO ANYTHING I REALLY LOVE HER I HAVE BEEN IN SO MANY RELATIONSHIPS BUT HAVE NEVER EVER LOVED ANYONE THIS MUCH.

 

I am willing to do anything to resolve this even though she just left me on the fifth out of my ten days in New York.. I only went there to see her and for her.

 

Why did this happen...why did the physical die down..why did we start arguing etc...

 

HELP ME GET HER BACK

[DN]

Your shrink is right. The simple and brutal fact is that she does not love you, or at least not enough to be with you. You cannot make someone love you; they either do or they do not. For the sake of your own emotional and mental well-being, you have to move on and find someone who cares for you as much as you do for her.

[whatfor]

Darren,

im sorry to hear you are hurting and that your relationship isnt working out. I think its the ugliest thing when someone you used to be so close to is ignoring you and showing no respect. I went through this with my ex. She sounds very immature, because a mature person would at least talk like an adult and explain themselves to you, even if they dont love you.

I know you dont want to accept this, but the best thing for you to do now is to let her go, and if its meant to be, you will be together. Stop contacting her for a while, dont push her away by contacting her. It is bad to chase her now and act weak. Stop contacting her and act cool. Just make sure you tell her about your feelings, like send her an email and tell her how you feel about things, but dont beg.

take care.

[darrenloved]

I am willing to do anything. She told me she loved me the whole time. She was confused when I was there I guess due to such a short amount of time but so much advancements. She told me she really loved me and I meant more to her than anything. I have stopped contact with her for a week and will continue to do so until her birthday in a month where I will phone and wish her happy birthday anyways...

 

I want to do anything to re-establish communication when the time is right...

 

Help me out please..I am not willing to LET GO..

 

She was confused and mentally unstable...she can get through it.

 

Darren

[MY23]

oh man...im sorry to hear your problems.

 

in my personal experiences when u break up with someone the best thing to do is leave it 3 - 4 months without contacting them. whats a few months if ur meant to get back together?? my ex girlfriend...we broke up twice before with her telling me she doesn't love me anymore but then for some reason she still says shes fond of me and once she came back. but this girl for some reason doesn't want to speak to you at the moment. i suppose some people just arn't compatible...people change..but! its not over i guess its the way u handle things now and mould them..leave it for a while a suggested and if she doesn't contact u maybe u could contact her but only say something like hey how are u hope ur well. something simple.

 

i read a tactic for winning girls back is to not say too much and play it very cool....sorry chai pinching ur lines...as humans we are incurably curious as to what someones up to. how long were u guys together for? i can vouche for LDR being a egg thats easily breakable.

 

i could be saying the completey wrong thing here but i'll try and grab my friend chai to help u out...he is a genius.

 

what for has got it spot on as well. NC is the key....sounds stupid but it is. quite a few girls are confused! hehe (apologies to the girls) get ur confidence back my friend ur south african man!!! wheres the arragance as the c0cky funny homour?!? c0cky funny humour is a good way to play games with a girl...try searching for it..will come in handy.

 

be cool mate

[chai714]

You're in the bargaining stage right now, where you will do absolutely anything to have her back. Many of us have been there. So things heated up and died out quick. If you think about it, 2 months is not a long time to be with someone, especially when it's an LDR. If you've never been in a long term relationship before, you'll find that it's very rare that deep feelings of love can take place over such a short amount of time, especially when the physical presense of each individual is limited due to distance.

 

If you want her back, the first thing you're going to need to do is stop chasing. Stay away, no text, no email, complete NC for a while. You've raised her defenses up high, and that wall she has up right now is solid. Give her NC, and time will do it's job and take down her defenses.

 

LDR's are very expensive relationships - both emotionally as well as in the pocketbook. One of the key components in successful relationships is physical presense. Think about this next time and keep this in mind before you become involved in another LDR. In the meanwhile though, take time away from her (NC), and heal up. Afterwards, you can decide whether you want to come up with a strategy to get her back.

[Strandysmommy]

I'm really sorry you're hurting like this. It sucks, and it's no fun and all you want is to have her back. I have been here I know it.

 

unfortunately everyone else is right; you need to let go. You have to, for your own good, and hers. Right now she is prolly thinking that you're just like her ex's who stalked her when she broke up with them. I know that sounds harsh but that's what it comes off as. Look, no contact is a good way to get a clear look at things. I didn't want to do it back when I was dumped, but I did. It was only then that I could see just how wrong we were for each other, he was so...not good for me. I could see all these things so clearly. You've got to not contact her, get the thought of a reunion out of your head, because it's only going to hurt you so badly; especially if you find that she's moved on and is seeing someone else. THAT will hurt worse than anything.

 

She said "I love you". That could have been true, but it could also have been that you guys were in the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship. The phase where everything is roses and sunshine, I know because I am smack in the middle with my boyfriend, and often times to myself I say "I love him!" Add to the fact that you were millions of miles apart and that only fuels it so that when you're together it's all fireworks and magic. Some people, like this little chickie, just burn out like THAT. You may be more mature and ready for a relationship than she.

 

This became a novel, I am sorry. I really am sorry that it's killing you inside like it is. There is a place outside the fog, and it will get better, but it's like ripping a band-aid off a hairy leg: you have to just take a deep breath steady yourself for a sharp pain and then it's done.

[Ms. P]

Wow.

It sounds as if she got cold feet and to be honest hard as it is you need to back off. If you don't you will definitly loose her as she will probably feel suffocated.

Look at how she said her last boyfriends acted after the break up and now how you are acting.

Leave her alone and if she gets back in touch fine but be cool and take it easy.

If she doesn't get in touch you ahve to move on. Every day wake up and tell yourself that you are going to get on with your life, it is not easy and will take a while and alot of mental work.

I am in a somewhat similar situation and have been told that it is over so I can understand some of what you are feeling.

Whatever happens i hope that everything works out for you whatever hapens. good luck.

[bothofus]

Hey,

I'm no expert my friend.

Don't be pushy.

Let her know, show her, you care.

Given time she'll realize that you love her.

If you're too pushy forget it.

I don't mean play a game or anything.

Just try to do what you can to make her happy.

 

That's my input, and you're young and it must be so hard to be 21 and all this weird love stuff is going on. You'll look back on it, even the parts that totally sucked, and it won't seem so tragic. It'll seem funny, stupid, hard, informative too. You seem like a good human being.