I Guess I Know Why He Blew Hot and Cold

[ColorMeBlue]

I posted a long, rambling post elsewhere (I didn't know you couldn't delete on here!) so I won't go too into the backstory. Let's just say we worked together and fell deeply in love, both of us were separated, we tried to do the right thing and I finally got divorced, but he dragged his feet. This was seven years ago; we were on and off (I got a new job and moved) but I finally called it off until he got his divorce. Last year after a long separation he called me up saying it was final, and we began dating. Only he was still acting weird the whole time. I finally broke up with him six months in because the red flags were there (long and frequent "business trips" that he failed to announce to me until the day before, for starters). I guess part of me always hoped he was truly making a choice to be with me, but I think I've just discovered why, and I feel pretty stupid.

 

Last September is when we broke it off and I went NC. He did try and get a hold of me, but just stupid "I miss you" stuff so I went off all social media for months. No contact at all. Soon as I got back on in March, he was right there posting and commenting all over my stuff (yes - I should have unfriended, I know!). He sent me two dozen roses and chocolates for my birthday, with the sweetest card - totally unexpected and strange, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't melt my heart a little and make me think there was a chance. We started chatting. Then, I posted a pic looking like I was out with a group of people, and suddenly - he unfriended me and went cold. Huh? I did message him to ask why he did this and he claimed it was a mistake (I was drunk or I wouldn't have done this); he added me back but hasn't been the same since. It's been making me feel awful as I thought, "Maybe he wanted to ask me out and then saw that pic and thinks I've moved on with a new man?" I felt guilty and wished I could unpost that stupid photo. I even explained casually that it was me and my girls out on the town - NOT that I needed to, but I did. Didn't change a thing. He stayed cold and distant.

 

Well, all that guilt ended last night. I snooped (yes, I know) his ex's FB page and saw his family all over it, commenting. She's lost weight and looks great; I have a feeling he took the photo. no, I have no proof, but his family seemed awfully familiar with her for someone that he divorced...then it all hit me. I don't think he ever left her. I think it's why he was acting strange last summer when we were together; it explains so much. I think he's been with her and they broke up briefly, which is when he started dating me. Then probably saw each other on and off as they both "dated other people.'

 

Anyway, I know you should never get involved with anyone who's not fully divorced (I wasn't either when we met so it's a double whammy). I guess this is just a cautionary tale for anyone thinking of doing so, or wondering if "crumbs" from their ex means there is a chance of reconciliation. Don't let yourself hope, people. Not unless they are banging at your door and asking you to reconcile. Even when they send you unexpected birthday presents or flowers - just don't fall for it. Trust me, you'll be saving yourself from a world of hurt. At least now, I can finally start to really heal. Thanks for listening.

[Tomthumb88]

I think this particular individual has more issues than leaving "crumbs". I don't think most ex's do that to be malicious, rather it's their way of going back and forth. Sounds like this guy was potentially looking to cheat on his spouse with you

[catfeeder]

Glad to hear that you got yourself out of this.

 

Head high.

[ColorMeBlue]

Thanks, guys. Catfeeder - I like your signature quote.

 

I guess the thing weighing heavy with me is that I technically have no proof. His aunt is commenting on his ex-wife's selfies - his aunt has always been rather nosy, though, and has trouble with boundaries. So I'm second-guessing myself. I also didn't mention that I saw a few pics of him on a mutual friend's page, and he has really let himself go in a big way. The reason I point this out is because it's one reason I believed he wasn't reaching out. Still could be, but either way I guess the point is the same: he's not reaching out in any meaningful way. I'm letting it go and going back to NC.

 

Don't break NC, guys!