On the edge

[Lostinky92]

Let me first say I love my husband i wouldnt be here if i didnt.

 

Im currently pregnant with twins so im unsure if it is just pregnancy hormones or female intuition.

 

My husband and I have been together for 3 years. Until we got married we had a great relationship...and then it seems piece by piece we started to fall apart.

 

Hes white im black we live in semi rural Kentucky.

 

We have been through so much lately, from getting married, trying to have kids and most importantly addressing his family's messed up view of me. All because he never defened me to them. I have dropped what i was doing on a moments notice to be there for them even before we got married. Yet he allowed them to talk about me and he himself talked to them about me. So much so to the point that when we broke the news of our preganacy to his sister her reply started off with "...i wish i could be happy for you..."

 

I have stuck through all of this but i have lost so much respect, confidence and most of all trust for him. He wont stand up to his family or anyone else for me. How am i supposed to let my guard down? Im distrustful of everything especially when he came home and said he "lost" his wedding ring at work. Apparently he took it off to wash his hands and its gone now.

 

I want to leave and im trying, i got a job, ive been looking at places i can afford. I just need to know if im making the right choice. Things arent adding up. He doesnt talk to me, he doesnt touch me when he is sober and until i thought i lost the babies he didnt even seem to think they were real.

 

Am i being crazy or does anyone else see the problem here

[glitterfingers]

I see it as a huge problem when a partner won't defend you to their family. That is particularly telling, because most people won't lie in order defend you to their family... So essentially, whether or not they defend you is usually quite telling of their loyalty to you. If you had actually done something particularly heinous, perhaps I could see why he might be caught in the middle, but in absence of any evidence of that it would seem to me that this guy lacks a moral backbone. I think your intuition is right in this situation...I wouldn't even bother trying to talk to him about it any longer, he made his decision already, and that is both disrespectful and disloyal.

 

What kinds of issues does his family have with you? As in, why would his sister say she "wishes" she could be happy for you? Have you had a particularly rocky time lately or arguments in front of the extended family? Financial troubles? Just think it's important to clarify that she wasn't expressing concern for any troubles you might be going through.

 

Congratulations on the twins! How beautiful Though that will be tough on your own. Do you have family nearby (i.e. within a few hours drive)? Seems particularly important to have a support network set up before you make any moves, as you don't know how your husband will respond and the level of support he'll be willing to offer.

[angrythoughts]

You shouldn't have let the relationship continue after seeing he wouldn't defend you. I'm assuming his family is racist and I personally would have a hard time believing that he isn't a little racist himself. It's hard to leave someone you're having kids with so definitely confront him and try to fix things before completely giving up.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Lostinky92]

I mentioned that we are in kentucky amd that they are of a different race because at times i also feel that how they were raised enables them to view me as the angry black woman wheneverni try to take up for myself. We havent been having any particular trouble. It has been more of a building where i express my unhappiness for the way i was treated and im kmocked down. For example his sister had a thanks giving dinner last year. His dad acted as though he didnt want to eat the turkey which i cooked and other than that his sister had some exspensive silver ware laid out for dinner. Because I chose to make a comment about the fact that i was paper cup fancy it turned into a month long back and forth issue where he attempted to "fix the issue" which turned out to be him telling his family how he felt as if i had said it.

 

All the while he is making me feel as though its no big deal and that i made it all up. It is maddening.

 

His sister made that comment because we had an arugument a few days prior at her house because he feels it is ok to discuss personal things infront of his family...ive been fed up for a long time and after we left i ended up putting him out of the car. She had to pick him up. The entier time though i called her and him to make sure they found each other and he was safe. Ive never gotten that angry at him beofre but i am just sick and tired of being a door mat.

 

I have a good network set up and 2 plans that include moving home or staying here to allow him the chance to be a father but i dont think he'll do it

[Lostinky92]

Im trying, it means so much to me to have a family, i grew up without one and i don't want to take that from my kids but, im to the point where things aren't adding up, not wanting to have intercourse unless hes drunk, going to hang out with his friends more often than ever, saying mean things about my body and loosing his wedding ring. How can i trust him...how can i make this work if im the only one trying?

[Lostinky92]

I dont know what happened to my first reply but i do have to plans on how to make it work alone. I want to stay close by and offer him a chance to be a father.

 

His sisters reasoning for saying that was he made a comment about my personality infront of her which i let go at the moment but on the way home we got into it. He was drunk and i kicked him out of the car. Although i spent the next hour calling her and him to make sure they found eachother and thay he was safe. Ive never gotten that angry with him before.

[SherrySher]

Do you have any family close by or family that could help you out if you decide to leave? It doesn't sound as though he or his family are very supportive at all.

 

The important thing here is, your twin babies. You say that his family talks down to you and makes you feel bad. Don't allow them to do this to your babies. This is not a healthy situation to bring babies into, especially if he is drinking and partying.

 

It makes no difference at the moment about the intercourse or if he is cheating, etc. I know his behaviours hurts you, but you need to focus on your unborn children.

They need you and they need to be born into a safe place where no one is going to put them down or make them feel less than. They also need to be in an environment where there is no drinking or irresponsible adults around.

 

Please, do whats right for your kids.

[Lester]

Did you have a sensible/respectable discovery/dating period?

Was it rushed?

Did you meet his family, and he yours, early on into the relationship?

Could you say you/him were trapped into marriage?

[Lostinky92]

I first got to meet his full family in 5 months. I had hung out with his sister a few times before that. He got to meet my family 3 months after that because they live pretty far away. We got married on our 2 year anniversary. We took our time moved in, got a dog spent time together and waited a year after getting married to have kids. Faster than most yes but in no way rushed. We talked through each step together. I really feel like after we got married he stopped trying. I would have never married him if he acted the way he does now.

[Lester]

How long did you date before moving in together?