Reach Out to My Friend's Girlfriend or No?

[WombatShadow]

I've posted a couple times about my friend "T" who is in an...interesting relationship. When our little group first met her, she supposedly loved all of us, but that quickly turned into her hating me because I'm a single woman (my other two friends are now referring to me as the Vagina Monster). Then she began to hate my ex because "he's an ". She still liked my other friend, J, until he didn't respond favorably to an invitation to dinner. Now she hates him too, and we haven't gotten to see T for almost two months now. Every time we try to make plans he's either working or seeing his girlfriend...who he sees nearly every day, sometimes multiple times a day, despite them not living together. It's not just our group, either; I ran into T's oldest friend a couple of weeks ago, and he told me that he hasn't seen him in forever either because T's girlfriend thinks he's a "bad influence" (no drinking, smoking, or drugs, he's married, and he has a full-time job...yes, he's clearly a terrible influence). His girlfriend has cut T off from everyone, and if they aren't together she's constantly texting him (she threw a fit when we did see him a little under two months back because he didn't respond to her text within a literal minute).

 

I am hosting a small get-together next weekend, and so far T hasn't responded to my invitation (which was through our group chat). My ex ended up contacting T to see if he can come, and predictably he can't. This time, it's because his girlfriend will be off work too early for him to make it into my town and back to her house OR she won't be working and so they'll be hanging out (I guess her schedule isn't quite finished). My ex even invited T's girlfriend to come along, but T isn't sure she'll be interested.

 

If T just wasn't contacting us, we'd all cut ties with him and move on until he's free of his own personal Vagina Monster. The thing is, he's still highly active in our group chat and he has texted both my ex and J that he really misses hanging out with them as individuals and our group as a whole. He doesn't want us to leave him out and feels really bad when we get together without him. We also all miss him, and our "group chemistry" is completely off without him.

 

This all boils down to the following: I'm thinking of personally inviting his girlfriend, who I am Facebook friends with. Would that make things worse or is this an opportunity to try and mend the bridges that she has so thoroughly attempted to burn?

[boltnrun]

I would, but don't expect her/them to accept and don't expect that things will "change".

 

This woman is clearly insecure and "T" clearly is too. "T" will live alone with her in their world until it crashes down or maybe forever. But there's not much you can do about that.

[WombatShadow]

I can take some small comfort in the knowledge that this is a pattern with her, and at some point she'll get bored and go play with someone else's heartstrings. She's basically playing the damsel in distress with him (since the first day they started seeing each other) and has his manly-man hero complex fully engaged. We're just hoping that he'll see what's going on before she destroys him

 

I definitely don't expect anything from her, but I feel like I have to try.

[indea08]

I would have a serious conversation with T about your observations regarding his relationship and it's effect on him...

[WombatShadow]

I would have a serious conversation with T about your observations regarding his relationship and it's effect on him...

 

I am unable to do so, unfortunately.

 

Let me provide a little more backstory here:

 

*the night my ex broke up with me, T drove out to his house to comfort him (he was very broken up about things...*dodges tomato*); T's girlfriend made him take selfies with my crying ex to prove that he wasn't with me

*a week later, my ex and I had a huge fight, after which I texted both T and J that I wasn't sure I could be in the group anymore; T's response was a frowny-face and a three-text request not to write anything on his Facebook page, because I had written that I loved him on a post about his dead father;

*a week after that, T texted me but was being weird in his responses, and finally told me that he was having to delete all of our messages as soon as he got them because he wasn't allowed to talk to me, and he then said it would be better if I just didn't talk to him anymore.

 

Both my ex and J have had conversations with him about this, and the last time we all got together we all spoke long and hard about it. He is pretty firm that she just needs to gain trust in him and then things can go back to normal. She's apparently bi-polar and having some issues with medication, so that doesn't help. At this point, I can't say anything more to him without risking whatever shreds of friendship we still have.

[Starlight925]

OK the parties are all a bit confusing, but I'll try to make my take on this as clear as I can: If T was a girl, and T's girlfriend was a guy, we'd be saying this "guy" was in the beginning stages of abuse of T. Walling someone off from their friends is a first sign. Impatiently snapping if a text isn't returned immediately is another. Constantly keeping T (a girl in this scenario) on eggshells when T's "boyfriend" (T's girlfriend) gets so upset that T has to decline invitations, is abusive.

 

Making T send a pic of himself with your ex to prove he's not out with you: here's your sign.

 

I could go on and on, but T has found himself in the beginning stages of an abusive relationship, bipolar or no.

 

So, to answer your question, no, I don't think that reaching out to her would help. Your group will all just have to let T ride this thing out until he figures it out for himself.

[WombatShadow]

OK the parties are all a bit confusing, but I'll try to make my take on this as clear as I can: If T was a girl, and T's girlfriend was a guy, we'd be saying this "guy" was in the beginning stages of abuse of T. Walling someone off from their friends is a first sign. Impatiently snapping if a text isn't returned immediately is another. Constantly keeping T (a girl in this scenario) on eggshells when T's "boyfriend" (T's girlfriend) gets so upset that T has to decline invitations, is abusive.

 

Making T send a pic of himself with your ex to prove he's not out with you: here's your sign.

 

I could go on and on, but T has found himself in the beginning stages of an abusive relationship, bipolar or no.

 

So, to answer your question, no, I don't think that reaching out to her would help. Your group will all just have to let T ride this thing out until he figures it out for himself.

 

I actually listed out all the reasons he's in an abusive relationship one someone's thread a few weeks back because he was asking if his girlfriend was acting normal. There's even more than I have listed here, so I completely agree with you on that.

 

That said, this girl and I did talk before she started hating me. She has very few girlfriends (one, actually, and she doesn't really like her) and so she's making T her whole social life as part of the abuse. I'm hoping that if I can present myself to her as a friend of hers, not just of T's, she'll be a little more open to us hanging out as a group at the very least.

[boltnrun]

I've never heard of a situation where a friend points out to another friend that their SO is behaving badly, where the friend exclaims "You know, you're right! I will stop this now!" The friend usually defends their SO and the relationship, making all kinds of excuses why their SO is behaving that way "for now". They may say their SO is under a lot of stress, has "anxiety" or "depression", is having family or work issues, etc., and that they NEED to be there in the way their SO needs them to be, at least for now! They either don't realize or won't admit that it will only get worse, their world will grow smaller and smaller until it only includes them and their SO, and that it will be extremely difficult to extricate themselves once it gets to that point.

 

Unfortunately, unless you have personally witnessed physical abuse there isn't much you can do.

[WombatShadow]

I've never heard of a situation where a friend points out to another friend that their SO is behaving badly, where the friend exclaims "You know, you're right! I will stop this now!" The friend usually defends their SO and the relationship, making all kinds of excuses why their SO is behaving that way "for now". They may say their SO is under a lot of stress, has "anxiety" or "depression", is having family or work issues, etc., and that they NEED to be there in the way their SO needs them to be, at least for now! They either don't realize or won't admit that it will only get worse, their world will grow smaller and smaller until it only includes them and their SO, and that it will be extremely difficult to extricate themselves once it gets to that point.

 

Unfortunately, unless you have personally witnessed physical abuse there isn't much you can do.

 

Exactly, which is why we're taking a different route from the whole "your girlfriend is completely toxic" and we're trying to kind of pull her into our friend group as well. If we can keep seeing him, even on her terms, we can be there to help catch him when this crashes down.

[indea08]

Honestly, at this point, go ahead and say something to her. Not like the situation can get much worse anyways. T has literally told you not to talk to him because of her, so what more is there to lose?

[Starlight925]

I just don't think she is mentally right (not a slam, just a fact), so this is why I just don't think talking to her will help. You can try just small talk, like how is your job, etc., but I don't think anything more will help.

 

She needs real help, and you reaching out to her isn't enough.

 

That said, I commend you for wanting to, and you know what....why not. At least you can say you tried.

[glitterfingers]

Sometimes our close friends get into relationships that we really disagree with, but the more we try to help them see our point of view, the more we inadvertently push them away and cause them to feel misunderstood. There is clearly something with T that is causing him to be attracted to her, and that's a deeply personal issue that he has to deal with and grow from. Personally, I would continue to initiate invites, but assume that T is not going to join and let him have his distance. The distance might be enough of a wake up call for him one day soon that this relationship isn't actually benefitting him. Of course, you can all keep your distance but resolve to be there for him once he moves past this roadblock in his life.

 

You can't only blame the girlfriend for this - you have to acknowledge that T is enabling the relationship to have this role in his life, and all you can do is lay down your own boundaries (all of you collectively as well as individually) about what you will and won't tolerate. (i.e.) If this is becoming a big drama, I'd extend less invitations to T, or have whoever is in the best position to comment on it tell him directly that you guys are going to extend less invitations to him because you acknowledge that his relationship is overtaking his social life and that it's quite frankly becoming exhausting for all of you to try and coordinate things that involve him.

 

If he doesn't take it well, at least you have your answer about what headspace he's in and what to expect from him moving forward. And I think that's what you all need.

 

And yeah, no, I would steer well clear of the girlfriend because you don't want to encourage her under the false pretense of friendship and acceptance