Am I Being Paranoid?

[Akfranklin2014]

So, right from the jump this is going to be long.

 

I met my husband towards the end of 2014 online. He had a son, who was 5 at the time, from a previous relationship. Things were going well until another child was introduced into our lives. In May 2015 one of his exes summoned him to court for child support for her daughter. At that point they hadn't been together in two years. He went to court and requested a paternity test. In October we found out he is the little girl's father. We had our own discussions and issues because he'd told both me and his parents that it wasn't possible for her to be his. After the test came back we had a long discussion because while I didn't care that the child was his, I did care that he couldn't admit to the possibility that she could have been before the test results. I'd just previously ended a marriage that involved cheating and lying and it was something he knew I hated most of all. The little girl is adorable and she was born before I came along so I couldn't just walk out because of that. We worked it out but I was definitely watching my back. After a bit I grew to trust him again as he hadn't given me any further reasons not to. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. We set a date for the next September.

 

Around April 2016 I found text messages where he'd been talking to other girls, including some telling his daughter's mother that he loved her and he was going to leave me "in time." This set me off. I wasn't going to go through this again, I would leave first. He told me that he was only trying to appease her so she would let him see his daughter (this was before they had a custody agreement set up). He insisted he wanted to be with me and wasn't going anywhere. I told him conversations like that shouldn't happen and the only person he should be saying I love you to in that way is me. He agreed to go to counseling and we did. We worked things out and stayed together, getting married in September as planned.

 

Things have seemed to be okay since then. Last night I found messages between him and a girl he's been friends with for years. She recently got married and their conversation seemed a bit weird until I realized there were messages missing. They'd been deleted. I did see him say to her "What about my love lol?" and "What happened to marrying me lol?" Of course I ask him about it and he says she's a lesbian and they've always joked around like that. I told him I felt that when we got married any joking like that should have ended. I understand the joking around, I did it with my male friends. But it stopped when we got married as I considered it disrespectful to my husband and borderline cheating.

 

To my knowledge he hasn't actually done anything with anyone but I'm worried that the texting will lead to something else. Is this me being paranoid because I've been cheated on before or are my concerns legit?

 

 

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[indea08]

I would've ended it after the texts about leaving you in time. Solely because of that situation, I wouldn't trust anything he says about any of the other situations. He definitely has boundary issues and given the history, I'd be putting my foot down. He knows what's appropriate and what's not, yet he continues to push the boundaries, eventually he will cross the line.

[Seraphim]

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck.

[HeartGoesOn]

I wouldn't wait around for the next shoe to drop...and it will. I'd like to think you're better than this...

[glitterfingers]

Generally if someone's got a history like that, fathering kids to multiple women who he couldn't sustain a relationship with, there's a common denominator to all that mess...and it's them. I'm sorry to say that in most situations there's a stereotype for a reason. He is not good news.

 

I tend to give the benefit of the doubt as you are most certainly doing. But then I have to ask, if he didn't mean those things he said to his ex then why didn't he tell you beforehand the lengths he was going to in order to "get joint custody"? What's more, why would he go that far into confessing his love for someone. Even if he didn't mean it, he clearly has no problems lying and manipulating people. Part of me wonders whether he knew about the little girl long before you came into the picture, and actively denied it so that you would think he was clueless and simply made a mistake. The fact that he denied it as much as you say he did, tells me there was something else going on there.

 

To answer your question, no I do not think you are being paranoid. But I also don't think being cheated on is the only concern, or even the worst concern that you can have in a marriage. Living with someone who constantly makes you second guess your sanity, whether overtly gaslighting you or covertly covering up misdemeanours, is a far worse situation than leaving and finding someone who doesn't give you reasons to worry.

[KantSleep]

Make sure the lesbian married a female. He sounds like he wanted you in the picture, perhaps for stability for his two kids, perhaps to cook his meals and do his dirty laundry. Beyond that he can't seem to stay out of trouble. Deleted texts = something to hide. Too many "love" texts found - to the old "friend" and his daughter's mom. He is disrespecting you at the very least.

[Akfranklin2014]

Make sure the lesbian married a female. He sounds like he wanted you in the picture, perhaps for stability for his two kids, perhaps to cook his meals and do his dirty laundry. Beyond that he can't seem to stay out of trouble. Deleted texts = something to hide. Too many "love" texts found - to the old "friend" and his daughter's mom. He is disrespecting you at the very least.

 

I spoke to the female. She is also friends with his mother and she did marry a female. She agreed with me and apologized that she didn't stop him. She didn't really think anything of it as they've always joked like that.

 

Disrespected is exactly how I'm feeling. I feel like since we addressed the talking to his ex in counseling that it's a slap in the face to me to have it done again, even if she is just a friend. He seems genuinely interested in continuing our relationship so I picked up a copy of NOT Just Friends and I'm hoping it will help us.