We are both different ethnicities but I still have reservations about dating

[rukspc]

Hello friends near and far,

 

I met a wonderful guy through mutual friends over a year and a half ago at a concert. At first, I wasn’t attracted and only had a short conversation with him after the concert, in which we talked about music and politics. I thought nothing of the conversation, but apparently he was “spellbound” by me (according to our friends). Fast forward to this year in February, after a night of karaoke and drinks, something clicked and I gave him my number. Since that night about 4 months ago, we have been talking almost every day about everything and the conversations never run dry - politics, music, philosophy, religion - you name it. We even talk on the phone late into the night (!) which is tough to come by in this day and age of online dating. Until a few weeks ago, we’d only gathered in groups to meet. Our first two dates were about a week ago within five days and we stayed out all night talking together.

 

Tis true what they say about finding someone when you least expect it. In the past few months, I’ve gotten to know him better. He is kind, ambitious, driven, steadfast, witty, smart, independent, thoughtful and caring. I believe our compatibility is strong, our values are the same and best of all, it feels so easy to be myself. He is truly a great person and someone I never saw coming.

 

Aside from all of these wonderful, fantastic traits, I have one reservation - I am not sure about how I feel about dating someone who is the same race as me. It is quite strange of me to say, but I believe it comes from my upbringing and my mother’s biases against other ethnicities that are deemed “dirty”, “culturally backwards", “barbaric” or “savaged”. My guy and I are both Southeast Asian but different ethnicities, if that makes sense. I have only ever dated other races in the past because I always had a reason for never dating an Asian guy and never really had an attraction to them. All my life, my mother scoffed at the idea of her daughters dating or marrying someone Asian because of the horrible experiences she went through with my father (i.e. physically and verbally abusive). She doesn't want the same thing to happen to me and generalizes Asian men as if they will all end up like my father. I also think she has a superiority complex that drives her to think the way she does, which is something I do not value at all. I respect other people’s cultures and traditions despite what my mother says. I try not to take what she says personally but I've thought about her comments a lot lately. It’s kind of clouded my judgement and I'm coming off as prejudice for no reason other than that he belongs to that specific ethnic group. I'm also easily influenced and I don't want that to get in the way if we end up becoming exclusive partners. For me, my intuition tells me something different. I see him as a person. He is someone who truly cares and makes an effort to be in my life. I haven't had that in a really long time. It almost seems unreal. I really like him, but I don't want to have these negative thoughts dictate my real feelings. Am I being too insecure of how people will perceive me if we become exclusive? What should I do?

[abitbroken]

My guy and I are both Southeast Asian but different ethnicities, if that makes sense.

 

so you are both Asian, but your mother doesn't want you to date Asians? that makes no sense. Also, do you live in two different countries in Southeast asia or are you both living in the United States (or Canada). Well then congrats, you are Americans or Canadians and because your parents or grandparents came from two neighboring countries in the same part of the world, but not the same, doesn't really matter to everyone else.

 

If you truly care about him, don't worry about what mom thinks.

[rukspc]

My mother is pretty prejudice towards other Asian people, like I said. We all live in the United States, both born and raised in the Midwest.

[abitbroken]

My mother is pretty prejudice towards other Asian people, like I said. We all live in the United States, both born and raised in the Midwest.

 

Date him if he's a good guy and you like him and tell him "before meeting my mother i have to tell you about her. I know it makes no sense because she is Asian, but because she didn't have the best of times with my Asian dad, she is prejudiced against Asian people. So just take her with a grain of salt". A lot of times people see their kids happy and how the boyfriend is treating them and they come around - though it takes a long time. If the rest of your family doesn't have the same prejudice, then it helps.

[Snny]

My guy and I are both Southeast Asian but different ethnicities, if that makes sense.

You got the terminology wrong- you mean Nationality. Ethnicity is a "PC" culture word for race (white, black, Latino, Native American, Asian).

 

I have only ever dated other races in the past because I always had a reason for never dating an Asian guy and never really had an attraction to them. All my life, my mother scoffed at the idea of her daughters dating or marrying someone Asian because of the horrible experiences she went through with my father. ... She doesn't want the same thing to happen to me and generalizes Asian men as if they will all end up like my father.

So you have dated people from different races (or nationalities?).

 

And I'm sorry, but your mother is a bigot to label Asian men "abusive" because she had ONE unsuccessful marriage. This alone makes me question how she treated her own partner if this is the conclusion she's made about ALL Asian men. I've been physically abused by an ex-boyfriend from my culture (I even had to be taken to the hospital because I was punched in the head), but it's not the reason why I married a man from a different race - in fact my reasons happened the same way as yours did.

 

The action of one person does not speak for an entire race OR gender of people. I'm married to a Filipino man who is just close to getting his US citizenship, and he's the most kindest and patient person I ever been with. Abusive traits can be found in ANYONE regardless of what race/culture they came from.

 

I try not to take what she says personally but I've thought about her comments a lot lately. It’s kind of clouded my judgement and I'm coming off as prejudice for no reason other than that he belongs to that specific ethnic group. I'm also easily influenced and I don't want that to get in the way if we end up becoming exclusive partners.

You need to start being your own person. This is part of growing up. If you are able to move out, then do so. If not, do whatever it takes. Because otherwise, her negativity and bitterness will continue to affect your dating habits... and that is not fair to you.

 

Your mom will always be around. She is always going to be who she is, whether her behavior/mentality is right or wrong. This means you will need to start meaning business and stay firm to your own beliefs anytime she behaves and a bitter, nasty way toward your relationship. Do not let people affect your relationships with your SOs/spouse. Being an adult is laying down the boundaries and reinforcing them. My parents did not welcome my husband for awhile, but I did not tolerate their comments/behavior toward him- I left their house and still saw him while I was in college. I move in with him for a job and cut contact with my parents for Months (major wake up call to them). They shaped up when I was proactive in my relationship and warmed up to him.

 

Your mother will need to get over who you date. It isn't not her decision on who you should date/marry. Her former marriage is her own problem to deal with.

[rukspc]

You got the terminology wrong- you mean Nationality. Ethnicity is a "PC" culture word for race (white, black, Latino, Native American, Asian).

 

 

So you have dated people from different races (or nationalities?).

 

And I'm sorry, but your mother is a bigot to label Asian men "abusive" because she had ONE unsuccessful marriage. This alone makes me question how she treated her own partner if this is the conclusion she's made about ALL Asian men. I've been physically abused by an ex-boyfriend from my culture (I even had to be taken to the hospital because I was punched in the head), but it's not the reason why I married a man from a different race - in fact my reasons happened the same way as yours did.

 

The action of one person does not speak for an entire race OR gender of people. I'm married to a Filipino man who is just close to getting his US citizenship, and he's the most kindest and patient person I ever been with. Abusive traits can be found in ANYONE regardless of what race/culture they came from.

 

 

You need to start being your own person. This is part of growing up. If you are able to move out, then do so. If not, do whatever it takes. Because otherwise, her negativity and bitterness will continue to affect your dating habits... and that is not fair to you.

 

Your mom will always be around. She is always going to be who she is, whether her behavior/mentality is right or wrong. This means you will need to start meaning business and stay firm to your own beliefs anytime she behaves and a bitter, nasty way toward your relationship. Do not let people affect your relationships with your SOs/spouse. Being an adult is laying down the boundaries and reinforcing them. My parents did not welcome my husband for awhile, but I did not tolerate their comments/behavior toward him- I left their house and still saw him while I was in college. I move in with him for a job and cut contact with my parents for Months (major wake up call to them). They shaped up when I was proactive in my relationship and warmed up to him.

 

Your mother will need to get over who you date. It isn't not her decision on who you should date/marry. Her former marriage is her own problem to deal with.

His nationality is American but his ethnicity is what it is because his people do not have a country (politically speaking). So, I am referring to his ethnic background and to what he identifies.

 

Anyway, I get what people are saying. Don't worry about race. Be my own person and decide for myself.