I miss him so much

[jadedonlife]

I don't know where things went wrong. One day we're having the best day possible and then he tells me that he cheated on me. He says he wants to tell me so that there are no secrets between us and wants to get through this. I am a roller coaster of emotions not sure what to do with the person that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

 

 

I want to make it work so bad and just reset but the anger and insecurity won't let me. He says he wants to fix it and then says he cant deal and then wants to fix it and then can't deal. Now everyone has their right to change their mind but why do my emotions have to be messed with through out the whole process.

 

I feel desperate to keep wanting to go back to him but he's living his life, I've tried blocking him ignoring him and more but nothing seems to work.

 

 

Please tell me there is a light at the end of this tunnel ... this deep pain just won't go away.

[Ziggy123]

Who broke up with Who?

[MyLifeMyChoice]

Jadedonlife, why would you want to make it work with a cheater? He clearly doesn't respect you or care about you if he could hurt you like that.

 

He doesn't deserve someone as amazing as you, so it's his loss.

 

I know you're hurting and sad, and healing will take a while. Hopefully you can find comfort here. This forum is helping me with my grief...we're here for you.

[Whocares479]

If you go back to him, there is a 85 percent chance he will cheat on you again. Mark my words.

[Ziggy123]

That 85% is completely made up. He may or may not cheat again. Usually if the person is really remorseful, owns up to their mistake, is taking steps to prevent it from happening again and this is not a pattern for them then they may very well not cheat again. If he wants to fix the relationship and stay together and you do as well, then it is worth giving it a shot I think.

[eidetic]

Look into "affair recovery" -- there are boards like this for support, and numerous articles that can help both sides of your couple.

 

Some cheaters don't tell and don't ever show remorse. It sounds like you might have a chance here, although rebuilding trust is very difficult for both parties. I hope you are able to work it out together or to find peace in any case. I know infidelity is shattering, so I'm wishing you tons of good luck.

[Annia]

Reseting wouldn't make it work because it wouldn't change the fact that he's a cheater and it would make so both of you didn't process and learn from it. I'm a bit concerned with his constant changes of heart. It'd be one thing if he had cheated on you once, told you (which he did and I think that's good) and then you both decided to try to overcome it and make it work and he stick to it. The thing is that his actions doesn't seem to show that he is in fact determined to work on the relationship, at least not as much as you'd need him to. His constant changes of heart are also hurting you.

 

That's why I think that maybe you two need space from each other to really think things through and process everything. I say it's perfect valid for you to decide that you don't want him anymore after what he has done and really move on. I'd do that because cheating for me is a total dealbreaker and I don't know if I could put in the work and trust that person again. But this depends on the relationship, it's duration and both individuals.

 

If after some time and space you both really decide to try to make it work again (some couples can move on from it and grow but it's hard), there are some important factors to take into account:

 

- Maybe couples counselling can help

- He must be 100% determined to make it work, both must do so

- He has to show you that you can trust him. But be careful with that, because that doesn't give you the right to control him 24/7. He just has to little by little give you reasons to trust him again, like being better at communicating, being honest and transparent and showing through actions that he really loves you and cares about you

- If after a while you can't trust him, it's better to walk away than being consumed by lack of trust and insecurity

- You need to realise that his cheating is his responsibility and it has nothing to do with you or your worth. It was his choice. So he needs to approach this problem from this standpoint too and NOT from the typical standpoint of excusing himself with shortcomings of the relationship or with things that you've done. The problems in the relationship before the cheating are a separate issue from his cheating.

- You need to communicate with him how you feel and talk things trough so that you don't hold resentments inside you. However the conversation should not derail to topics that will only make you feel worse and destroy the relationship even more like: "was she better than me?", "how many times did you have sex?" "what did you both do in bed?" "what does she have that I don't have?" etc

- The cheating must be a wound that you're both willing to heal, especially HIM and not a weapon of attack from any of you when things get tough

- If you observe any weird behaviour or disrespect you need to enforce your boundaries and show him with actions that you'll leave if he crosses them again

 

I wouldn't take him back without time to think and process things first and without seeing that he's done some work on himself during that time apart.

 

I also think it's not good for you to follow the mood of his changes of heart by staying there during his time of confusion because it doesn't show him that you have boundaries that need to be respected, confuses you and prevents you from truly working on your healing regardless of the future of the relationship.

[Gato0214]

I feel your pain.... at least he is communicating. I'm in a one sided situation .... that no matter what I say, I get totally ignored. Like I don't exist!

[jadedonlife]

Who broke up with Who?

 

He broke up with me

[jadedonlife]

That 85% is completely made up. He may or may not cheat again. Usually if the person is really remorseful, owns up to their mistake, is taking steps to prevent it from happening again and this is not a pattern for them then they may very well not cheat again. If he wants to fix the relationship and stay together and you do as well, then it is worth giving it a shot I think.

 

Thanks! I've been moving on NC yet

[jadedonlife]

Look into "affair recovery" -- there are boards like this for support, and numerous articles that can help both sides of your couple.

 

Some cheaters don't tell and don't ever show remorse. It sounds like you might have a chance here, although rebuilding trust is very difficult for both parties. I hope you are able to work it out together or to find peace in any case. I know infidelity is shattering, so I'm wishing you tons of good luck.

 

Thanks! I was considering it for myself. Can't sit here and wait for him. It's been little under a week so still hurts but I'm feeling way better than I did 5 days ago.

[jadedonlife]

Reseting wouldn't make it work because it wouldn't change the fact that he's a cheater and it would make so both of you didn't process and learn from it. I'm a bit concerned with his constant changes of heart. It'd be one thing if he had cheated on you once, told you (which he did and I think that's good) and then you both decided to try to overcome it and make it work and he stick to it. The thing is that his actions doesn't seem to show that he is in fact determined to work on the relationship, at least not as much as you'd need him to. His constant changes of heart are also hurting you.

 

That's why I think that maybe you two need space from each other to really think things through and process everything. I say it's perfect valid for you to decide that you don't want him anymore after what he has done and really move on. I'd do that because cheating for me is a total dealbreaker and I don't know if I could put in the work and trust that person again. But this depends on the relationship, it's duration and both individuals.

 

If after some time and space you both really decide to try to make it work again (some couples can move on from it and grow but it's hard), there are some important factors to take into account:

 

- Maybe couples counselling can help

- He must be 100% determined to make it work, both must do so

- He has to show you that you can trust him. But be careful with that, because that doesn't give you the right to control him 24/7. He just has to little by little give you reasons to trust him again, like being better at communicating, being honest and transparent and showing through actions that he really loves you and cares about you

- If after a while you can't trust him, it's better to walk away than being consumed by lack of trust and insecurity

- You need to realise that his cheating is his responsibility and it has nothing to do with you or your worth. It was his choice. So he needs to approach this problem from this standpoint too and NOT from the typical standpoint of excusing himself with shortcomings of the relationship or with things that you've done. The problems in the relationship before the cheating are a separate issue from his cheating.

- You need to communicate with him how you feel and talk things trough so that you don't hold resentments inside you. However the conversation should not derail to topics that will only make you feel worse and destroy the relationship even more like: "was she better than me?", "how many times did you have sex?" "what did you both do in bed?" "what does she have that I don't have?" etc

- The cheating must be a wound that you're both willing to heal, especially HIM and not a weapon of attack from any of you when things get tough

- If you observe any weird behaviour or disrespect you need to enforce your boundaries and show him with actions that you'll leave if he crosses them again

 

I wouldn't take him back without time to think and process things first and without seeing that he's done some work on himself during that time apart.

 

I also think it's not good for you to follow the mood of his changes of heart by staying there during his time of confusion because it doesn't show him that you have boundaries that need to be respected, confuses you and prevents you from truly working on your healing regardless of the future of the relationship.

 

Very insightful thank you!

[Whocares479]

That 85% is completely made up. He may or may not cheat again. Usually if the person is really remorseful, owns up to their mistake, is taking steps to prevent it from happening again and this is not a pattern for them then they may very well not cheat again. If he wants to fix the relationship and stay together and you do as well, then it is worth giving it a shot I think.

 

That is your opinion. I stand by my comment. Your comment should not be based off of critquing mines. As for the OP, I am glad you made your way to NC, this is the start of new beginnings! I wish you the best of luck!