Please help me get my fiance back- I made a huge mistake

[bdx313]

I know this is a lot of info but I really need some help here. I am so lost. Long story short- we had been together two years, engaged for one. A lot has happened in the last 6 months (house foreclosure, job loss) that resulted in a ton of fighting but we always came back around. Last week, the fight was huge- I have no idea what even started it but I said some really awful things. I told him to get out of my house or I would evict him (I know... and that my son and I were too good for him (my son, 5, called him 'daddy' and they love each other so much). I don't know why I said those things- I always try and hurt him deep. It worked. He told me he was going to pack up and leave and I already regretted it but I left for the evening to give him space. He had never left before, but when I got home all his stuff was gone. Even the dog!

 

I called, I texted, I looked for him everywhere. The next day he texts me that he needs time and space because he is so hurt. I basically ignore this and continue to call/text ALL week.

Tuesday he says he wants to talk and will come over Wednesday. Ended up working late and does not but apologizes and says 'i love you and i am not trying to find anyone/anything new. i don't want that'

Thursday, doesn't come. I get a little upset and text him until he gets fed up and stops responding.

Fast forward to yesterday. He texts 'i will be there 11am tomorrow to get my things'.. at first i say no, then agree to 8am. Today.

He came and I said can you talk and he says "Yes, I will come back after I unload these things I promise. I am not trying to make this difficult, all i needed was a couple days".

Comes back like he said he would:

me: is this what you want? to not be with me anymore?

him: "yes, i realized we were not going to a healthy place and it wasn't getting any better. i love you and i always will but i can't be with you right now. I don't know why you think I am going out or meeting people, but I am not, I am just enjoying this time with my family" (he is living with his parents now)

so despite my heart screaming no i tell him i understand and that i will miss him and all those things you're supposed to say to try and show them you have changed (i was sooo needy and begging the first week- I gave him zero space) He says "maybe a few weeks or a month down the road..." but I cut him off and say that I can't do that. I can't torture myself- was this the wrong thing to say??

I don't want him to move on. I love him and i intended on spending my life with him. I made a huge mistake and I am terrified he won't be able to forgive me.

I kissed him, and he kissed me back but not like he used to. A quick kiss and almost like he didn't want to. Because he doesn't love me or because it hurts too much, I don't know. He hugged me and held my hand and I willed him to take me back with my mind but that did't work either LOL

So as he leaves he says 'i love you, take care of yourself' like that's really it.

 

Please- i don't know how to get him back. We were so in love. The last 6 months were so hard on us but I know we can get it all back if he would just give it another chance. I am so desperate and my son is SO confused. I would do anything to change this. We shared our lives for the last 2 years, I don't know how we can just throw that away.

 

Do you think if i give him that space NOW it will work? If i completely do not contact him??

Also, although he removed his 'engaged' stat on FB, we are still friends and his profile pic is still us the day we got engaged. Good sign? For now, although he may change that soon...

Has anyone been through this? How did you get through it and did he/she come back?

[MissCanuck]

You yourself said "I always try and hurt him deep." So this was not a one-time character attack, I gather?

 

That's important because if you are in the habit of verbally assaulting him and trying to hurt him, this has likely been wearing on him for some time and he can no longer take it. I had an ex who would lash out at me in this way, and I eventually lost all attraction to him and just didn't want to be around him anymore. I sense you ex is feeling the same. You eventually just reach a point in which you want out.

 

All you can do is apologize, give him space, and perhaps consider anger management therapy. Verbal tirades have no place in a relationship and you need to figure out why exactly you attempt to hurt someone you love in this way. You also clearly need some more constructive coping mechanisms to deal with stress and conflict. Insulting and hurting those around you obviously isn't the way to go. Make a concerted effort to work on this, leave him be and don't worry too much about whether he will come back. Even he can't predict right now what will happen. I think it's safe to say you will be apart for a good while, anyway. Use that time to make some improvements for yourself so this doesn't happen again, regardless of who you are with.

[Hollyj]

You went too far. Your words were cruel. I would be done.

 

There is consequence for your actions. You need to filter yourself and learn to respect others - this includes, respecting their request for space.

 

I agree with the anger management. Things have been tough, but is no excuse to treat someone in this manner. So, drop that.

[bdx313]

You yourself said "I always try and hurt him deep." So this was not a one-time character attack, I gather?

 

That's important because if you are in the habit of verbally assaulting him and trying to hurt him, this has likely been wearing on him for some time and he can no longer take it. I had an ex who would lash out at me in this way, and I eventually lost all attraction to him and just didn't want to be around him anymore. I sense you ex is feeling the same. You eventually just reach a point in which you want out.

 

All you can do is apologize, give him space, and perhaps consider anger management therapy. Verbal tirades have no place in a relationship and you need to figure out why exactly you attempt to hurt someone you love in this way. You also clearly need some more constructive coping mechanisms to deal with stress and conflict. Insulting and hurting those around you obviously isn't the way to go. Make a concerted effort to work on this, leave him be and don't worry too much about whether he will come back. Even he can't predict right now what will happen. I think it's safe to say you will be apart for a good while, anyway. Use that time to make some improvements for yourself so this doesn't happen again, regardless of who you are with.

 

 

Thank you for your reply. I should add a little more detail.. Yes, I oftentimes said hurtful things and I have apologized for that although I know it probably means very little. We both said and did things throughout our relationship like that. I have decided to talk to someone and I am confident that it will help me. Earlier this week, he had said he was willing to think about starting fresh- all over again but that my actions throughout the rest of the week showed him I hadn't changed. I am afraid that you are right and he is gone for good.

[bdx313]

Thank you for your response- and I agree wholeheartedly how cruel I was and how badly I hurt him. Not respecting his need for space was obviously not smart, either and may be the very reason he does not come back. The thing is, the majority of our relationship was not like that. In the beginning it was great- he also did have some anger issues that we worked through and I had forgiven him for; and it was so much more than just hurtful words.... I loved him enough to give him another chance and that is all I want from him. I learned my lesson and unfortunately it cost me the love of my life.

[bdx313]

Edit:

He also told a friend of mine who reached out to him when I would not answer her calls "I didn't say it was over, I told her I needed time. Of course I love her but I don't know if I can be treated that way, especially now**. I don't want to find anyone else. I haven't and I am not going to" and this was all on Friday... Granted before I delivered some things to where he was staying. **He has a history of drug abuse and said that he was afraid our fighting would put him back down that road. One minute I truly feel that space will heal him and us and the next I feel I have lost him.

[MissCanuck]

He is doing what is best for him now. If your fighting was so bad he feared he'd relapse, he needed to remove himself.

 

Real change doesn't happen over a week or two. He knows that, too. If two were ever to reunite, it would likely be after substantial time apart to make sustainable and long-term changes.

 

As for what he said to your friend - he of course knew this friend would report back to you, so he's giving him/her the gentlest version. That doesn't mean he's lying, but I would advise you not to put too much weight on what he's telling someone close to you.

[bdx313]

Yes, that's probably accurate. Thank you....

[shellyf62]

Telling him that you & your Son were too good for him after he treated your Son like his own must have broken his heart.

That was very cruel.

You really do need to see someone for your anger issues

[Dominique]

Emotional abuse is too much to ask of each other. No one should have to endure the things you said.

 

Work on getting some help for your anger. Find resources and use them! Share those things you are doing in time. Perhaps real change will give your relationship a chance.