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Boyfriends brother's girlfriend secretly moving in??

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So I need some perspective on this. I can't really seem to understand what specifically bothers me so that I can come to a reasonable solution. My boyfriend and I have been dating off and on for almost 2 years. We decided to get serious and start moving toward a long term relationship with the goal of marraige and kids. About a month before we made that decision, I moved back to the city to be closer to him(in my own apartment with a roomate). And his brother got out of prison ( in a different state) and showed up at my boyfriends place needing a place to live while he gets on his feet. My boyfriend felt obligated to take him in. He gave him 3 months to find a place to live. He also gave him his second car payment free, helped him find a job, paid forgas insurance etc.and didn't charge him anything. Basically to make thd 3 month requirement easy to meet. Since then he has quit and been fired from 3jobs been arrested for violence toward police(we had to pay to bail him out), keeps drugs in the house, has had the car he was given, stolen, impounded(we had to pay to get it back)damaged(we had to pay to repair it) lost (dont ask), he has finally managed to keep a job for about 6weeks but still doesnt buy grocery to feed himself, soap,toilet paper,etc. My boyfriend has expressed his intentions for he and I to live together, sort of hinting to his brother that he needs to move. It has now been 8months. His brother gets upset and puts his stuff in a garbage bag and pretends to leave threatening to return to the lifestyle that caused him to go to prison. My boyfriend feels ty and tells hom to stay. Now my boyfriend has asked me to move in. I did not agree because of this. So he asks me to stay every night which turns out to be just like I am living there. His brother used to bring home the occasional girl from online dating sites for one night stands. Now he has a girlfriend that claims to have her own place but never leaves. Literally. During the day we're all at work and she stays there. She cooks,does her laundry,rearranges things around the house and comes and goes as she pleases because she now has a key. She takes up parking,has all of her personal belongings there including her panties she leaves hanging in the guest bathroom. To top it off for some reason she expects for she and I to be BFFs. I think part of what makes this even more annoying is that everybody in the house is over the age of 30. My boyfriend being the oldest (38 yrs.old). I guess I just can't seem to figure out why this is so comfortable for the 3 of them. And as a woman I wouldn't want to be crowded in a two bedroom apartment with three other adults over the age of 30. I certainly wouldn't leave my personal items hanging around for everyone to see. In addition to that the brother doesn't seem to have any intentions on moving himself or his girlfriend out at all. My boyfriend says there was never a discussion about her moving in and that one day ge just saw them moving her stuff in. His brother was supposed to be gone 5months ago. My boyfriend verbally expresses his disapproval of the situation to me only. On the rare ocassion that he says something to his brother about all of the missing towels,or the new bug problem because they dont clean,or the $389 electric bill, he almost immediately retracts it by taking his brother out and getting drunk during which time he tells him that everything is ok and "mi casa su casa" only to return to me and say that he "had a talk with him and put his foot down" and still wants me to move in. I would like to live with him so we can carry on with our lives but I just I'm so irritated by this living situation andd quite frankly uncomfortable with a strange woman who doesnt mind living in her boyfriend's brother's tiny 2bedroom apartment on an air mattress out of garbage bags,contributing nothing(while she still has her own place supposedly). If we were 15 years younger or in college it wouldn't be so bad. But I constantly feel like a guest. Our relationship AND sex life is suffering. Even today my boyfriend who is normally responsible is missing work because he feels guilty that he hasnt spent time with his brother. What the hell? Bills still have to be paid. The only reason I know that he is missing work is because he simply hasnt made an attempt to get dressed and its an hour past his start time. He and his brother are drinking. It seems like although his brother is a few years younger, he is the influencer in the relationship. Like my boyfriend is concerned about appearing "cool" v.s responsible and productive. Maybe Im uptight but I no longer feel like Im in an adult relationship. It feels like a college dorm of 2 couples with no direction goals or accountability and sometimes manners. Please someone outside of this give me a different perspective or advice. I never want to ask him to choose me over his family, but I dont think that this can work any other way.

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Your bf is a complete doormat. He has chosen them over you, your just not acknowledging it. Bro will never leave, as he has the best set up in town: bro pays for all expense and his mistakes.


Why don't you hang at your place???? The situation is ridiculous!


FYI: his loser brother has returned to the lifestyle. He is still a big, irresponsible mess. Your bf is not doing him any favors, he is simply enabling.


I don't know how you can respect your bf. I would be so fed up! Stop enabling this situation!

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In addition to that the brother doesn't seem to have any intentions on moving himself or his girlfriend out at all.
Why would he move out when he's got it made where he is?


Your boyfriend is an enabler to his brother and you are an enabler to your boyfriend... after all, why would your boyfriend do anything when he's also getting what he wants which is you staying over every night and acting as if you live there.


Its all very dysfunctional codependency where no one does anything because clearly you all are getting something you want from it or one of you would put a stop to what you're complaining about.


You: Stop staying there altogether and tell your boyfriend you're fed up with the situation and you're distancing yourself from it all. If it doesn't change then your distancing will help you half-way to getting over him.


Your Boyfriend: Should be giving his brother three month to find a place and if he and she haven't moved out by then, bro will find the locks changed and his stuff on the front porch.


That is called not enabling.

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btw: Your brother has a sever codependency relationship with his younger brother wherein he is still bailing him out and caretaking him through life instead of taking on a tuff-love role and allowing your brother to grow from the shiftless b-turd he's turned out to be. I suspect their parents were poor at their jobs and did just as much enabling and bailing out as what your b/f is still to this day doing.

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This will not change. Ever.


Your choice whether you think holding on to your boyfriend is worth all this headache or if you've had enough.


BTW, if you get married be prepared for brother and girlfriend to be living with you permanently. Except after marriage it will be more difficult to leave, especially if you bring children into this dysfunctional mess.

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Why are you complaining about the girlfriend staying in that awful situation, when she supposedly has her own place? You supposedly have your own place and you are doing the exact same thing.


Go back to your own home and live there happily. Your boyfriend is not marriage material. Find someone who is, if that's what you want in life.

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Thank you all for your repl y. The reason we dont spend alot of time at my place is because shortly after I moved there my company placed me in an office 1hr + from my place. However the office is only about 20 min from his place. His job is 10 min from his place. So it just works commute/gas etc. But that is the ONLY reason. My lease is up in 2 months. Prior to the shenanigans, my plan was to either move in(which is no longer an option) or move closer to the office I am assigned to,without a roomate; so that we can spend more time at my place.


The brother went to prison for drug traffiking(spelling?) some type of weapons charges and attempted murder. He wont go into details.


Posting to this forum was a last ditch effort to gain an unbiased perspective. As the decision I make will be final. Because I love him, I wanted to make it carefully.


As I mentioned before, I am in my 30's ( 34 ). While I am very grateful for my Brazilian genes that are sheer sorcery, lol and always make people think I cant be more than 22, the fact is: I am much older than that and I have to consider that when pursuing marriage and at least 1child. So to put it nicely, while the mirror says one thing,the truth is that biologically, I dont have time to be with the wrong person.


I am going to move closer to my job for my convenience.


I am going to tell my boyfriend that we need to pump the brakes on our relationship (wont go over well, AT ALL)until he can facilitate a living situation that is condusive to having a healthy relationship.


I am going to start seeing other people (hard but I have to) to start to move on so as to not waste any more time or opportunities to meet a better fit. Although who knows what baggage people have. I didnt get this experience with him& his brother until 2 YEARS IN!

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You say "we had to bail him out" and "we had to repair it". Do you actually mean that you and your bf had to do it or your boyfriend paid for everything. If you actually mean we then stop using your money on anything relating to the brother. It's not your responsibility at all.


Also stop spending your nights there if you are not comfortable. Your boyfriend is taken advantage of and he just accepts it. I get that amily dynamics are difficult. The brother is threatning to go back to his old way, but newsflash if he has already been in prison, bringing drugs home and gotten his car stolen and towed he is already back in his old ways. Now that he has a girlfriend your bf has the perfect opportunity to kick him out. He is not going to move and neither is the girlfriend since why would they? They get to live there for free without any consequences.


You are making a good decision to put the breaks if he can't kick the brother out. I know it can't be easy but maybe it is a wake up call.

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